Slow Jokes
128 slow jokes and hilarious slow puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about slow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This is an article about slow jokes. If you're looking for a good laugh, you've come to the wrong place. These jokes are so slow, you'll be asleep before they're even finished.
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Funniest Slow Short Jokes
Short slow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The slow humour may include short fast jokes also.
- The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot. It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to
- I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen
- As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"... I said, "So you want me to stay now?".
- As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
- What do you call a seamstress who makes things up? A *fabric*ator.
It was a slow day at work... - What’s the difference between an accordionist and a concertina player? One can’t play fast, and the other can’t play slow.
- I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.
- A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms. \* Slow clap *
- My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car. She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!
- Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.
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Slow One Liners
Which slow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with slow? I can suggest the ones about slack and lazy.
- What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down.
- Simba runs pretty slow He needs to Mufasa
- If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ? Hurry canes.
- My aunt always said the slow and steady win the race She died in a fire
- Pedophiles may be bad people... ... but at least they drive slow through the school zones
- What do you call a turtle with a hard on? -A slow poke.
- It took a week to cut my lawn... It was a slow-mo
- I did a self defense course I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion
- What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer.
- Why was WW2 so slow? They were Stalin
- What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up? Slow clap.
- What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes? Slow natives.
- At a down syndrome disco... ...Do you think they have a slow dance?
- What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle? A slow poke.
- What's a snail's favorite activity on the first day of spring? Slow-motion gardening!
Driving Slow Jokes
Here is a list of funny driving slow jokes and even better driving slow puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man is driving across town with his dog. He sees a traffic light and begins to stop.
The dog says, "Why are you slowing down, the light's gray?" - Volkswagon were pretty dumb to name one of their cars 'Golf' Why name a car after a slow and boring sport where the hardest part is driving
- Pedophiles have kind of a bad reputation... ...but they drive slow near schools
- My wife told me I needed to slow down on the alcohol... ...or better yet, stop driving altogether.
- I got pulled over while driving because I was weaving too much. I told the cop it's my first time knitting, so I'm pretty slow at it.
- Did you know you can tell what kind of area you're driving in by the bumps in the road? A few big bumps means you should probably slow down.
Lots of little bumps means you're in a school zone. - I was driving while high and a sign smiled at me. Normally it says Slow down! Too fast!
- Recently went to Los Angeles and was driving slow down Highway 1 when I noticed that Kobe was driving behind me for hours. I wonder why he didn't pass?
- Fruity Traffic What did the berry say to the slow driving pit fruit?
Come on man-go - Today I got behind the slowest black station wagon ever It was driving so slow and bad the other lane was going off the road and everyone behind it was crying. Glad I passed it
Slow Driver Jokes
Here is a list of funny slow driver jokes and even better slow driver puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is a slow moving ice cream truck called? A sundae driver.
- I heard about this one place with red signs that thanked drivers for slowing down... ...but when I drove by, everything was blue.
Slow People Jokes
Here is a list of funny slow people jokes and even better slow people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- People call me slow, but ... It's just that my wit is so fast, and my intellect so massive, that my brain is subject to relativistic time dilation.
- How physicists see other sciences: Biology: squishy physics
Geology: slow physics
Computer Science: virtual physics
Psychology: people physics
Chemistry: impure physics
Math: physics minus the units - Three People Killed at Colorado Abortion Clinic Sounds like a slow day to me
- People drive too slow in the fog... I'm just over here not hitting anything. Not even my brakes.
Slow Poke Jokes
Here is a list of funny slow poke jokes and even better slow poke puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a fear of over-engineered buildings? A complex complex complex
- What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A slow poke
Delightful Fun Slow Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about slow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean quiet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make slow pranks.
Stop Sign
A man gets pulled over by a police officer for running a stop sign. The officer says "you didn't stop at that stop sign." The man replies "oh come on, I slowed down to almost a stop." The officer looks at the man and says "please step out of the vehicle sir." The man obliges, and at this point the police officer starts to beat him with a baton and says "now do you want me to stop, or do you want me to slow down?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the last 98 days..
It's on it's last legs now
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I said to my girlfriend.....
I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly r**...."
What fun that was...
Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects
for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.
"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"
So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"
So, I saw Simba walking today..
and he was walking too slow. So I told him "C'mon! Mufasa"!
Edited for a bit more for clarity..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
What do they do at a prom for a school of the mentally disabled?
Slow dance.
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..
During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?"
Filled with excitement, she yells "Would I?!"
Without missing a beat, the man retorts: "BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!"
Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
What do you find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a dim witted h**...?
A slow poke.
Small World
A lawyer and a doctor are golfing. There are two women ahead of them that are playing really slow, so the lawyer decides to ask them if they can play through. While driving up to them, he realizes the two women are his wife and mistress! He turns around without saying anything and tells the doctor the situation. After a few more holes the doctor has had enough. He goes to talk to the women but turns around before he gets there. When he gets back he looks at the lawyer and says, "Small world."
My internet is so slow...
Loading...
A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.
As soon as the bartender pours them out, the man slams them down, one right after the other. Before the bartender can say anything, the man orders ten more shots.
"I don't know, maybe you should slow down," says the bartender.
The man replies, already slurring, "You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."
The bartender is taken aback and starts to apologize, "Oh I'm so sorry. What do you have?"
And the man says, "About $3."
A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over
"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."
"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"
The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.
"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."
*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...
.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"
The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."
The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.
One day a wife complained..
"This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
Why is it best to ship boxes using a UPS truck?
The DOWNS truck is a little slow.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is sobbing into his beer...
It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of v**... to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."
An officer pulls over a car full of nuns...
A police officer saw a car full of nuns going much too slow for the highway they were on. He pulled them over and went up to the driver. "Why are you going so slow?" The nun that was driving then replied "That sign right there says 20." The police officer looked at the sign. "That's the highway number that you are on." "Oh, sorry officer." The police officer looked in the back seat to see three nuns that looked like they were terrified. "What's wrong with them?" the officer asked. The nun that was driving looked back at them. "We just got off of highway 190."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my grandfather for s**... advice.
He said, "Slow down, you're going too fast."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my s**... just like my wifi..
I like my s**... just like my wifi,
slow and unprotected.
So a scientist creates a robot
And he asks the robot, "can you feel pain"
The robot says, "yes however not like a normal human, I feel everything deeper and in slow motion."
"my god that's horrible that can't be true!"
"You're correct it isn't true, however we do have a dark sense of humor."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
An old man was pulled over
An old man was pulled over for failing to stop at a stop sign. When questioned the man replied "I slowed down, same difference!". The officer then took out his baton and started striking the man and he asked the man "would you like me to slow down or stop?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girl about to jump of a bridge.....
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD"
First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.
I'm a really slow reader. Today, I only got through six pages of my dictionary.
From dawn to dusk.
Slow typing...
After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free.
She's not replying anymore.
Lesson learnt
-Never smoke while texting..
I'm currently studying snails and slugs.
It's safe to say I'm a slow learner.
I was once driving down the road..
..where I read a sign which said,
Speed limit 30km
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
Speed limit 20km
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
Speed limit 10km
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
Speed limit 1km
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,
Welcome to Speed Limit
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
The Wi-Fi at my parents' house is really slow, so I hope this sends...
but I just wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas for tomorrow!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight
I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is r**........this should be an interesting night.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(dad joke) A Dad was helping his daughter study for her drivers permit test.
Dad: What do you when the light is green?
Daughter: Go.
Dad: What do you do when the light is red?
Daughter: Stop.
Dad: What do you do when the light is yellow?
Daughter: Slow down
Dad: **WWHHHAAATTTT DDOOOO YOUUUUU DOOOO WHEEEENNNN THEEEEE LIIIIIIIIGHTTT TURRRRNNNSSSS YELLLOOOOOW?**
Technologically slow dad
Asks his son
"Son, can you show me how to remove a picture I posted on Facebook?
Son, busy, replies
"Why do you ask me every time? Why don't you ask someone else to teach you?"
Dad replies
"Well, a man always learns from his mistakes!"
I took my old computer to a computer repair shop
I asked the shop owner "My computer is too slow. What can I do ?"
Shop owner inspected the computer and said "It needs some hardware acceleration"
Me: How much acceleration would it need ?
Shop owner: 9.8 meter per second squared.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
It takes a long time for them to s**... their pride.
Why is development in airplane engineering so slow?
Everyone is afraid to make a ground breaking design.
This joke has to be told to someone in person
This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says I'm the one driving not you .
The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says I'm the one cooking not you
The fourth part is...
person listening: what you said there were three parts.
*slaps*
I'm the one telling the joke not you
Male or Female Shipping
So I was purchasing something online and I asked the wife if we should get Male or Female Shipping.
She was like what does that mean?
I said, do you want it to come quick or slow and maybe not at all.
I think I just made this up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You got gonorrhea from a sloth...?
*slow clap*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy sits at a bar and asks the bartender to line up twelve shots.
The bartender sets up the shots. He starts throwing them back in rapid fire. The bartender tells him to slow down or he's going to kill himself. The guy says if you had what I've got you'd be drinking like this too . The bartender steps back and says what have you got? He tells him, two dollars
A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...
They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.
Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. They agreed, and to their surprise, just days later a passing officer saw a row of cars moving very slowly past the farmer's place. The policeman approached the farm, and saw a new, hand-painted sign stating: "Nudist Colony".
I've slowly come to the realisation that I'm gay, but it's all been so confusing...
... I just can't think straight!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently completed a self defence course
I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.
I was going out with a girl, and she told me I was shy and moving too slow. I said...
"Meet me by the rock pile tonight. I'll be a little bolder."
My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.
I almost had to call the popcoroner.
(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said maybe slow down so you don't choke on that. I don't want to have to call the pop coroner , and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). So I decided to present my ad-lib here, as a joke. At least I (and you) can be sure it's no repost!)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife only had s**... with one man before me
It was a slow day
Why was Stalin's computer so slow?
It was on a five year plan
the inventor of the revolving door looked at a perfectly normal door and boldly asked "what if i added social anxiety?"
if i go too slow? surely everyone behind me hates me.
too fast? everyone behind me is in danger.
perfect invention.
let's put them in the busiest buildings.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't Karens get anything done on a Windows computer?
They keep summoning the Task Manager
(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)
A man rolls through a Stop sign…
An officer sees this, and pulls the man over.
Do you know why I pulled you over? The officer asks.
No sir, the man replies.
Then please step out of the vehicle, the officer commands. The man complies, and the officer starts rapidly beating him with his baton.
Ow ow stop! Stop! The man cries out desperately.
The cop says, Oh, would you like me to stop, or just slow down?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple is fighting
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your s**... and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a b**... . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
True story told by a friend: My nephew was gay and everyone knew it but he was slow coming out of the closet. One day, home from college, he was having breakfast and blurted out, "Mom - I'm gay."
She replied, "Does this mean that you sometimes put other men's p**... in your mouth?" Her son thought that this was an odd response but answered, "Yes." "Then I never want you to complain about my cooking again." (It was her hilarious way of saying that his orientation is not an issue for her.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Get the h**... out!
A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get the h**... out. As he walked to the door she yelled "and I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death". He turned around and said, "so you want me to stay"?
Have you ever been walking behind someone and they're slow and you can't get around them no matter what you do and then you try to pass them and at the very last second they turn right in front of you and block you and you get frustrated?
Anyway, I need bail.
