Slow Jokes

This is an article about slow jokes. If you're looking for a good laugh, you've come to the wrong place. These jokes are so slow, you'll be asleep before they're even finished.

Delightful Fun Slow Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Simba was walking too slow...

So I told him to Mufasa.

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the last 98 days..

It's on it's last legs now

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

jokes about slow

I said to my girlfriend.....

I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."

What fun that was...

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

Slow joke, I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

Why was the motorcycle going so slow?

Because it was two tired!

An Odd Funeral...

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual funeral procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.

"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a funeral like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"

"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.

"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."

"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"

"Get in line." answers the guy.

At a Down Syndrome disco...

...Do you think they have a slow dance?

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down.

You can explore slow stalled reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean slow stagnant dad jokes. There are also slow puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Guy walks into a bar. (yes another one)

Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila "line em up".
Guy starts slamming the shots one after the other.
Bartender says "Hey, slow down buddy!"
Guy says "No way, If you had what I had you'd be drinkin' this fast too."
Bartender says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. What have you got?"
Guy takes another shot and says " Oh, about 75 cents."

A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..

During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.

He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?"

Filled with excitement, she yells "Would I?!"

Without missing a beat, the man retorts: "BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!"

What's that black stuff between an elephants toes?

Slow Natives.

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.

The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking??

Slow down and grab some lube!!

Slow joke, How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking??

Small World

A lawyer and a doctor are golfing. There are two women ahead of them that are playing really slow, so the lawyer decides to ask them if they can play through. While driving up to them, he realizes the two women are his wife and mistress! He turns around without saying anything and tells the doctor the situation. After a few more holes the doctor has had enough. He goes to talk to the women but turns around before he gets there. When he gets back he looks at the lawyer and says, "Small world."

My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.

As soon as the bartender pours them out, the man slams them down, one right after the other. Before the bartender can say anything, the man orders ten more shots.

"I don't know, maybe you should slow down," says the bartender.

The man replies, already slurring, "You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."

The bartender is taken aback and starts to apologize, "Oh I'm so sorry. What do you have?"

And the man says, "About $3."

BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up?

Slow clap.

A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over

"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."

"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"

The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.

"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."

*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.

How do you keep a slow person in suspense?

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

The man at the circus.

A man is going to the circus to look for work. The man finds the manager in his caravan and asks him if he could get a job at the circus.

Oh, so you're looking to join the circus then? Tell me, what can you do?

I can mimic a bird, the man says proudly.

Hah, scoffs the manager, every single person at this circus can mimic a bird, even the slow stable boy, that's not anything we'd want here at this circus.

Oh well, says the man and flew out the window.

What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

-A slow poke.

Slow joke, What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

Went to a restaurant last night and the waitress had a black eye. I ordered slow and made sure to speak clearly.

Because she obviously doesn't listen.

What do you call a seamstress who makes things up?

A *fabric*ator.

It was a slow day at work...

Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...

.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"

The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."

The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.

Why is it best to ship boxes using a UPS truck?

The DOWNS truck is a little slow.

What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes?

Slow natives.

What do you call a mentally retarded chef?

A slow cooker

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.

The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."

"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."

"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."

"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of vomit to have to mop up..."

"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."

Pedophiles may be bad people...

... but at least they drive slow through the school zones

An officer pulls over a car full of nuns...

A police officer saw a car full of nuns going much too slow for the highway they were on. He pulled them over and went up to the driver. "Why are you going so slow?" The nun that was driving then replied "That sign right there says 20." The police officer looked at the sign. "That's the highway number that you are on." "Oh, sorry officer." The police officer looked in the back seat to see three nuns that looked like they were terrified. "What's wrong with them?" the officer asked. The nun that was driving looked back at them. "We just got off of highway 190."

I did a self defense course

I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion

I like my sex just like my wifi..

I like my sex just like my wifi,
slow and unprotected.

Jack and Jill work together in an office...

Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".

"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".

So a scientist creates a robot

And he asks the robot, "can you feel pain"
The robot says, "yes however not like a normal human, I feel everything deeper and in slow motion."
"my god that's horrible that can't be true!"
"You're correct it isn't true, however we do have a dark sense of humor."

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Girl about to jump of a bridge.....

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?

I'm going to commit suicide, she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job.

After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?

My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....

I got chlamydia from a person with special needs

She gave me the slow clap

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD"

First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.

My aunt always said the slow and steady win the race

She died in a fire

My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car.

She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!

Slow typing...

After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free.
She's not replying anymore.

Lesson learnt
-Never smoke while texting..

I'm currently studying snails and slugs.

It's safe to say I'm a slow learner.

I was once driving down the road..

..where I read a sign which said,
Speed limit 30km
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
Speed limit 20km
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
Speed limit 10km
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
Speed limit 1km
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,

Welcome to Speed Limit

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

The Wi-Fi at my parents' house is really slow, so I hope this sends...

but I just wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas for tomorrow!

I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight

I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.....this should be an interesting night.

A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms.

\* Slow clap *

I wanted to help my pet snail.

He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.

(dad joke) A Dad was helping his daughter study for her drivers permit test.

Dad: What do you when the light is green?

Daughter: Go.

Dad: What do you do when the light is red?

Daughter: Stop.

Dad: What do you do when the light is yellow?

Daughter: Slow down

Dad: **WWHHHAAATTTT DDOOOO YOUUUUU DOOOO WHEEEENNNN THEEEEE LIIIIIIIIGHTTT TURRRRNNNSSSS YELLLOOOOOW?**

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer.

What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle?

A slow poke.

This joke has to be told to someone in person

This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says I'm the one driving not you .

The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says I'm the one cooking not you

The fourth part is...
person listening: what you said there were three parts.
*slaps*
I'm the one telling the joke not you

Male or Female Shipping

So I was purchasing something online and I asked the wife if we should get Male or Female Shipping.

She was like what does that mean?

I said, do you want it to come quick or slow and maybe not at all.

I think I just made this up.

You got gonorrhea from a sloth...?

*slow clap*

Guy sits at a bar and asks the bartender to line up twelve shots.

The bartender sets up the shots. He starts throwing them back in rapid fire. The bartender tells him to slow down or he's going to kill himself. The guy says if you had what I've got you'd be drinking like this too . The bartender steps back and says what have you got? He tells him, two dollars

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.

Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. They agreed, and to their surprise, just days later a passing officer saw a row of cars moving very slowly past the farmer's place. The policeman approached the farm, and saw a new, hand-painted sign stating: "Nudist Colony".

Simba runs pretty slow

He needs to Mufasa

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said maybe slow down so you don't choke on that. I don't want to have to call the pop coroner , and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). So I decided to present my ad-lib here, as a joke. At least I (and you) can be sure it's no repost!)

You're mom's so slow...

...that it took her 9 months to make a joke.

Your mom is so slow,

She took 9 months to make a joke.

My wife only had sex with one man before me

It was a slow day

A Roman walks into a bar

He asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

Your mom is so slow

It took her nine months to make a joke

The internet connection at my farm was terribly slow, so I moved my modem to the barn...

Now I have stable wifi.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use a lubricant.

A man drives up to a stop sign and rolls through it.

Shortly after a cop pulls him over. The cop asks, Do you know why I pulled you over? The man says, No . The cop says, You ran a stop sign back there . The man says, OK, but I slowed down though . The cop then asks, Could you please step out of the vehicle, Sir? The man gets out of his car. The cop pulls out his night stick and begins beating him. The man yells, STOP, STOP! The cops say, Oh, you want me to slow down?

Your mum is so slow

It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke

Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

A married couple is fighting

A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a bitch . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay

A state trooper pulls a man over for speeding.

The officer tells the man, If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before I'll let you go.

The man says to the officer, A few years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were him trying to bring her back to me.

The officer replied, Slow it down and have a nice day.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Get the hell out!

A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get the hell out. As he walked to the door she yelled "and I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death". He turned around and said, "so you want me to stay"?

"Yo momma so slow"

It took her nine months to come up with a joke.

Yo mamma so slow

It took her nine months to make a joke

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ?

Hurry canes.

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use lubrication

What do you call a caveman who is walking really slow?

A Meanderthal.

A snail, who was tired of being slow, went and bought a sports car with a big S on each side

Whenever people saw him zooming past, they would say, Hey, look at that S-Car Go

People call me slow, but ...

It's just that my wit is so fast, and my intellect so massive, that my brain is subject to relativistic time dilation.

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.

He asks the driver whats wrong.

Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"

A man is driving a car in somewhere he doesn't know.

He sees a sign that says "Slow: 70 Km".
Seeing the sign, the man lowers the speed to 70 kilometres.

Then he sees a sign that says "Slow: 25 Km". Seeing the sign, he lowers his speed to 25 kilometres.

Then he sees a sign that says "Slow: 1 Km". The man is furious, but he lowers his speed to 1 kilometre.

After an hour he sees a sign. The sign says:
"Welcome to Slow"

Two cannibals found a guy lost in the forest and decided to kill and eat him.

They thought that the best way to do it was for one to start at the head and the other to start at the feet and meet in the middle. After awhile, the cannibal at the top said, How's it going down there? The other cannibal said, I'm having a ball! The first cannibal replied, Well slow down, you're eating too fast!

A policeman stops a car that is going very slowly on the I40 highway, and says to the driver "Why are you going so slow? You're holding up traffic!"

"Well," says the man, "the signs say I40."

"That's the road number," says the policeman, "not the speed limit."

Then he notices a woman in the back seat, trembling all over. "Is your passenger all right, sir?" he asks.

"Don't worry officer," says the man, "my wife is always like that when we come off Hwy I170."

A doctor is sitting at a restaurant.

He sees a waiter that is walking a bit too slow for his liking and asks him.

"Sorry... but do you maybe have hemorrhoids?"

The waiter responds.

"I am not sure, I will ask the chef."

Before you marry a person,

you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . .

As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the slow inert puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working slow driving slow piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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