Slimming Jokes
114 slimming jokes and hilarious slimming puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about slimming that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Slimming Short Jokes
Short slimming jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The slimming humour may include short jokes also.
- They say 'Whale noises' are meant to be calming... but I've been making them for 10 minutes and all the people at Slimming World seem rather angry with me.
- I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims. Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.
- Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.
- What if Steven Hawking... What if Steven Hawking is the real Slim shady, but we don't know because he cant stand up.
- What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A Lift
(only a joke, my American friends) - Did you hear the story about the anorexic woman who joined a convent? Man, the chances of that are slim to nun.
- A girl came into my bookstore and asked... A girl came into my bookstore and asked, "what are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to nun? - If you go on a plane, always bring a bomb... The chances of two people having a bomb on the same plane is slim to none
- Dear Santa.... All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a slim body. Please do not mix it up like last year.
- One of my band members asked why I was using such a thin plectrum... I told him it was slim pickin's at the music shop.
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Slimming One Liners
Which slimming one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with slimming? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Ramadan Putting the slim in Muslim.
- What do you call a skinny Pakistani cow? A moo-slim.
- If I'm fat but identify as slim Does that mean I am trans slender?
- What are the odds of an anorexic girl joining the clergy? Slim to nun.
- What if Stephen Hawking Is the real Slim Shady but he can't stand up
- What do you call a skinny tree? The Real Slim Shady
- Why do the Pakistanis love lean cows? Because they are moo-slim.
- How does Bernie Sanders stay so slim? Inter-mitten fasting.
- What do you call a skinny man in sunglasses? Slim Shady.
- Stephen Hawking is actually the real Slim Slady He just can't stand up.
- What do you call a slim ruler who's considering something? Thin-king
- Did you hear about when Eminem married an Indian woman? They had a Slim Shaadi
- What do you call a skinny, Islamic cow? A moo-slim.
- Why did the imam start a weight loss program? He wanted people to be more slim .
- What do you call a Saudi cow? A moo-slim
Slimming Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about slimming you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make slimming pranks.
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
When the first legal brothel opened here in Brissy I got the OK from the missus to check it out and have myself a good time.
I was in there like a flash and as I was the only client at that time I has my choice of the buffet on offer.
I chose a gorgeous tall slim redhead but before moving off to the rooms she stated that she wont work with anyone unless they are 10 inches.
Being a little embarrassed as you would be I asked her politely to sit back down.
I mean after all, no matter how hot they were I wasn't about to cut 2 inches of my manhood for anyone...
In the dim and distant past, when life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and babysit.
When the kids were in a jam, they could always call on Gram.
However, today she's in the gym exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net, sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her, now that Grandma's off her rocker.
A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, n**... . . .
. . . except for his boots.
Where your clothes at, Slim?
Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, 'I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.'
So I followed her. She says, 'Take off all your clothes.' So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, 'You like what you see?' Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, 'Yes, ma'am, I do!'
Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, 'Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!'
So I pulled on my boots and here I am.
I'll never forget the day I met my wife.
We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate. They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten.
I knew there and then, she was the one.
What does Eminem call his window blinds?
Slim Shad-Es
The ladder to success
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
Catholic Joke
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
A couple of Hobos are sitting under an overpass sharing some hobo chili...
When Colorado Curly Bo says to Dakota Slim, "So, how'd you end up like this?"
Dakota Slim says, "Booze."
Bo says, "Yeah, I know how that is."
Dakota Slim continues, "I had it all; a beautiful wife, big house, two-car garage, and I just drank it all away."
He pauses, and asks "How'd you end up here?"
Bo says, "Racehorses."
Dakota reflects, "Yeah, I know how that is."
Bo says, "I just kept buying 'em and eating 'em!"
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...
And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."
Prince Andrew pretty soon will be getting his P45 and signing on for unemployment. The chances of a 60 year old getting another job these days is slim to nil particularly with winter setting in.
What will we call Eminem if he gets arthritis?
Slim Shaky.
A guy goes to a pharmacy and buys some slimming products.
He asks the pharmacist:
How much do you think I will be losing with this?
Pharmacist replies:
Well … around 200 bucks.
Note for Santa
Dear Santa,
Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.
I haven't eaten since last year, so why haven't I slimmed down?
"Hey when should I get to the Fatboy Slim concert?"
Right about now, Funk Soul Brother
Adam is a little lonely...
About a month or so after Adam was introduced to Eden, God and Adam are meeting for dinner. Adam expresses his admiration for the plants and the animals and the joy and beauty of it all, but admits that there is one little thing that he feels sad about: he feels a tiny bit lonely....
God quickly points out that he is already working on a solution: it is called a "woman," and is stunning to behold, beautiful and slim, would make company for Adam, would care for him when he's sick, attend to cooking and cleaning, make love to him whenever he wanted, and basically be a joy to be around.
Adam is suitably impressed, and expresses his eagerness for this "woman" thing to be created. He is practically beside himself.
"There is a catch, though," says God, "to create the woman I described I need both of your legs, and at least one arm."
Adam hems and haws for a while, and then asks: "what can I get for one rib?"
Missing report
A husband went to the police station to file a missing report
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Officer: -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Officer: -Slim or healthy?
Husband: -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Officer: -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Officer : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Officer : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Officer : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Officer : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started
crying...
To all of you that have overcome Fatboy Slim addiction....
I have to praise you
What DJ should you never trust with directions?
Fat Boy Slim, because he's always saying "right here, right now, right here, right now".
A woman was telling Santa what she wanted from christmas...
She said "Santa, this year for Christmas I'd only like two things. The first a slim body, and the second a big fat bank account....
"Please don't mix them up like last year."
Why did the anorexic cow take great offense when the farmer wished him Merry Christmas?
...because he was a moo-slim.
CATHOLIC COFFEE BREAK
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, and everyone calls him '*Father*'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him '*Your Grace*'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says '*Your Eminence*'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him '*Your Holiness*'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
What do you call a skinny tree that raps?
Slim Shady
What if Stephen hawking was the real slim shady?
but we would never know because he couldn't stand up?
I hope Fatboy Slim dies on the Hollywood boulevard
halfway between the gutter and the stars.
Husband: I lost my wife says to Inspector
Husband: I lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: what is her height?
Husband: I never checked.
Inspector: Slim or Healthy?
Husband: Not Slim can be healthy.
Inspector: color of eyes?
Husband: Never Notice.
Inspector: color of hair?
Husband: Changes According to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: yes.
Inspector: Color of the car? ...
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 2.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight- speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door….an then the Husband started crying…
Inspector: Don not worry sir,… we will find your car.
If Stephen Hawkin was the real slim shady how would we know?
Just think about that for a second.
What do you call a fat Muslim?
Just Mu^~~slim~~
Brexit
There is a new slimming product in town.
It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.
I tried growing some thin fruit last month
But there's been slim pickings.
Gas stations should be ashamed for selling a poisonous product that we over-consume and that pollutes the Earth...
Seriously, Slim Jims are terrible.
If Eminem and Biggie Smalls had a child, what would he be called?
Thick "Not so Slim" Shady
Dear Santa -- For 2017, all I want is a SLIM body and a BIG FAT bank account.
Please don't mix it up like last year.
A guy tries to pick up chix at a anorexic and skin condition support group. He's disappointed...
It was slim pickins.
Who is the the real Slim Shady?
I heard he's an M&M
Why do arabs love skim milk?
Because they are moo-slim.
Why do people fast during Ramadhan?
Because it makes them more slim! (Muslim)
What did Fat Boy Slim say to the girl with Parkinson's?
I see you baby, shaking that glass.
What do you call a skinny rapper in the dark?
Slim Shady
Vince McMahon opened a fitness center in the memory of r**... Savage.
The Slim Gym
How to make a Muslim slim?
Take away his s**... vest.
I just found out I've been being recorded by a hacker on my computer for the past couple of days; I need some legal advice.
I admitted to being the real slim shady
Why did the government seize Slim Shady's property?
It was emineminent domain.
I used to be a fat atheist.
Now i'm mu-slim.
Did you hear that the Angel of Death went on a diet?
The call him the Slim Reaper now.
How do you qualify a slim and seemingly shady argument?
It's an ad eminem.
My weight loss program
A year ago I was 20lbs overweight, now I'm slim and so svelte. You know what's my secret?
Moving to England and having to eat English food.
Secret of Grandpa
Secret of Grandpa
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
One friend further asked, 'But your wife is also slim and energetic?'
Grandpa said, 'that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!.'
What do you call a cow that believes in Allah?
a Moo-slim
What do you call a cow that goes to the gym?
a Moo-slim
Well my son is...
A few Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter Square, Rome. The first Catholic man tells his friends,
My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.
The second Catholic man chirps, My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace.
The third Catholic man says, My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says Your Eminence
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, Well…?
She proudly replies, I have a daughter. She is slim, tall, and has measurements of 36D-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say Oh…my…God!
Do not shampoo in the shower
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
Wanna become slim?
Try m**..., you lose weight one tooth at a time
If Eminem lost weight and started wearing sunglasses...
he'd be The Real Slim Shady
Eminem was asked what the chances were of him playing some old tracks on his latest tour.
He said it was pretty slim.
One day I picked up a hitchhiker
He said, Sure is nice of you to pick me up. For all you know I could've been a serial killer.
I turned to him and said, The chances of two serial killers in one car are very slim.
Slim walks into his local post office and notices a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA
"Gosh!" he says, "If only that job was in Texas, I'd take it!"
What did Slim Shady ask the class on his first day of teaching at music school?
"Hi kids, do you like violins?"
Notches on phones are like fat people trying to fit into slim jeans.
It barely fits and it just doesn't look good.
What is Ramadan good for?
To get Mu-slim.
What does a slim feminist without body hair have that other feminists don't have?
Cancer
"Slim chance" and "fat chance" mean the same thing, but
when I put "slim" on my dating profile, I get accused of catfishing.
What would happen if Eminem lost weight and started doing questionable things?
He'd be the real Slim Shady.
Two black holes are jogging in space.
One says "You should slim down to get more attractive."
"Are you dense?" replies the other.