Slightly Jokes
121 slightly jokes and hilarious slightly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about slightly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Bored of the same old jokes? Add some spice with this collection of slightly inappropriate, rude, dark, naughty and off-color jokes that are sure to get a tad of laughter! Get the mildly bad, noticeably flirty and slightly off-colour jokes to enjoy with friends!
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Funniest Slightly Short Jokes
Short slightly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The slightly humour may include short mildly jokes also.
- During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"
- Really enjoying my new life aboard the giant space station designed to solve Earth's overpopulation problem . Just a bit weird how the sun gets slightly bigger in my cabin window every day.
- Did you hear about the chronic masturbator that was slightly under the weather? He's not feeling himself today.
- Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left... - Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"... …have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
- Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december? The specific ocean.
- For Sale... Parachute: $300.
Slightly stained.
Used once; never opened.
No strings attached. - TIL the company Tampax donates their slightly defective tampons to women's prisons No strings attached
- My girlfriend is slightly off the rails. I'm just hoping she doesn't untie herself in time.
- I keep slightly messing up my attempts at wordplay, I hope my eleventh attempt hits the mark...... ....no pun in ten has.
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Slightly One Liners
Which slightly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with slightly? I can suggest the ones about little bit and barely.
- I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
- What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive) alien vs. Predator
- I like my women like I like my golf scores In the mid 70's with a slight handicap
- For Sale: Parachute Never opened, slightly stained.
- I like my women like I like my golf game, mid-80s with a slight handicap.
- What do you call a jar that's slightly open? ajar
- I was slightly traumatized while canning some food. It was a jarring experience.
- What's the hippy forecast? Slight chance of a shower on sunday...
- I like my women how I like my golf scores... Low 80's with a slight handicapp
- slight variation on an arguable classic: How do mermaids reproduce? Binary fish-ion.
- I was slightly surprised to learn that dogs' tongues are smooth I thought they'd be ruff
- The 2017 forecast just came in Looks like reign with a slight chance of heil.
- What do you call a slightly skeptical Korean? Kim Plausible.
- What swims slightly faster than a shark? The Little Mermaid on her period.
- New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Slightly Bad Jokes
Here is a list of funny slightly bad jokes and even better slightly bad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- We all have that older person in our life who is really bad at using Twitter and is slightly racist some of the time... It's the current US president
- I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."
Slightly Dark Jokes
Here is a list of funny slightly dark jokes and even better slightly dark puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What came after the dark ages, but before the enlightenment? The slightly dim ages.
-Written by my 10 year old brother Acer. - Dark humor? Is slightly darker humor acceptable for this sub? Just wondering...
Slightly Rude Jokes
Here is a list of funny slightly rude jokes and even better slightly rude puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a slightly impolite canadian dust devil? Da rude "eh" sandstorm
Delightful Fun Slightly Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about slightly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean partially jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make slightly pranks.
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I said to my girlfriend.....
I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly r**...."
What fun that was...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man sees a f**... procession...
... with nearly one hundred men following a man and his dog behind the two hearse's. The man goes up to the lead man and asks what happened. He is answered, "My dog killed my wife and her mother." With a slight grin, the man covers his mouth and says, "You think you might be able to lend me that dog?" To which he is answered, "Get in line."
My grandpa's favorite joke
A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"
I said, "Did it hurt?"
She looked puzzled, so I continued. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" She lifted her head slightly and whispered, "Please... call... an ambulance..."
That's when I looked up and realized she's actually fallen out of a window.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A crusty old biker walls into a bar..
..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
Yokel Logic
Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.
He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'
The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'
The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'
The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'
'Okay then.'
'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'
'Yep'
'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'
'Arr'
'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'
'Wow, incredible, go on!'
'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'
'Moi god...'
'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'
'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'
'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.
The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.
''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.
'Alroight then', says the friend
'So, do you have a tract'r?'
'No'
'Then you're Gay!'
When I worked as Tech Support for an ISP I had a woman call outraged that we allowed "filth" on her computer...
After she calmed down slightly she explained that her 10 year old Granddaughter was sleeping over and they were having a "Spa Night" and did a web search on "Facials". . . .I was able to hit the mute button in time to avoid making matters far worse... True Story!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can make fun of Kim and Kanye's kid all you want...
But that kid is going nowhere but up... And slightly to the left.
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.
St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"
For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday...
...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.
An observation by Adam Hills
"I have a slight theory as to why there's such a high percentage of obesity in America as compared to the rest of the world. I think it's because in 1984, a group of English and Irish musicians got together and put out a song that told us to 'feed the world'.
And then a year later, a group of American singers told us, 'We Are the World'"
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
Medical checkup
An elderly man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup.
The doctor, a kindly man with a slight stutter, asks his patient:
"So, how's the prost-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tate doing?"
The man thinks for a moment, then replies:
"Well... you could say I pee the way you speak."
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"
Saw an ad for a used battery in the paper today:
"Slightly rusty, in need of repair but has potential"
Two ornithologists were listening to a bird call...
...they heard it sing "fourtimesthreetimestwotimesone". It took a pause and then sung "equalstwentyfour". They looked at each other slightly confused, when they heard it repeat the call:"fourtimesthreetimestwotimesone"..."equalstwentyfour". One ornithologist looked at the other and said "I don't think I've ever heard that bird before"; the other one answered, "me either, but I'm pretty sure it's a Fact Oriole".
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
I know skinny jeans are fashionable...
But as a slightly chubby man, I just can't seem to be able to pull them off
A cop pulls over a driver with a broken tail light...
The officer approaches the driver of the vehicle and asks how long he has been driving with a broken tail light. Without answering the question the driver jumps out of his car, runs to the rear of his vehicle and groans. Seeing he was upset the officer tried to cheer him up slightly "come on now, don't take it so hard. Its not that serious."
"It isn't?" Replied the driver, "then do you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Slightly adapted for translation
A black guy walks into a gun shop and asks the fellow behind the counter:
-Do you have rifles?
-No.
-Do you have shotguns?
-No.
-Pistols?
-No.
Confused, the black guy exits the shop and realizes the shop has all those items on display. Angered, he runs in and confronts the seller:
-What do you have against black people?!
-Rifles, shotguns, pistols...
(slightly dirty) What's the difference between a striptease artist and a trapeze artist
A trapeze artist has a cunning stunt....
My coworker complained about our David Bowie tribute music recently...
...he complained that after Lemmy's death we didn't have any tribute music. I pointed out that would be slightly inappropriate, as Lemmy wrote about taking drugs and blacking out, whilst David Bowie wrote whilst taking drugs and blacking out.
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
A buddist monk recently became a street vendor
A passerby bought a $1 item from him and gave him a 50 dollar note.
The monk took the note and just sat down afte thanking him.
The guy got slightly angry when there was no change given and the monk answered
"change comes from within"
A rabbit walks into a men's clothing store...
And the clerk says,"May I help you, sir?"
"Yes", says the rabbit. "I'd like a BLT with some coleslaw please."
"I'm sorry sir", says the clerk," but we don't have that here."
"Oh, ok.", says the slightly deflated rabbit. "I guess I'll have a house salad."
"Sir," replies the slightly annoyed clerk," we don't have that. Is there something else I can help you with?"
"Well," says the rabbit," in that case I'll just have a bowl of tomato soup."
The clerk is now incensed. "Sir, we don't have food! The sign outside clearly says 'men's clothing store'! Can't you read?"
"Listen, buddy", says the rabbit,"if I could read, I would have asked you for a menu!"
I used to hate it when people slightly messed up proverbs...
But I guess it's no use crying over spoiled milk.
I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.
She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster, so I walked faster.
She started running, so I started running.
She started screaming, so I started screaming.
I was too scared to look behind and never did find out what we were running away from.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandpa's Birthday
So my grandfather turned 90 last weekend, and my uncle, the class act that he is, thought it'd be a good idea to get a stripper one night, after we had the guys golf trip.
So she shows up, it's a bit awkward at first, but she's affable and it makes it a slightly better situation.
Eventually she goes up to the birthday boy and asks him "Do you want a super l**...?"
Grandpa thought long and hard and finally spoke up, "I guess I'll have the soup!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.
Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
How to drive your wife wild in the bedroom.
Leave all of the dresser drawer slightly ajar with a little piece of clothing sticking out.
Why did the pirate prefer slightly above average students?
Because he always preferred the high C's
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do a truck driver and a slightly a**... man have in common?
They both have a semi.
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."
A slightly overweight transgendered person walks into a health food store
the manager instantly runs up and tells her to leave the store, "why?" she asks confusedly, the manager points angrily at a sign on the door
"No trans fats"
(I dont mean to offend anyone, I just heard this from a trans friend.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A biker walks into a bar...
...and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
A man and a woman are making love...
...when the man notices a picture of another man on the lady's bedside.
The man panics and asks, "Who is this? Is this your husband?"
The woman smiles and says, "No... You're so hot when you're jealous!"
The man is still panicked and asks, "Boyfriend?"
The woman shakes her head.
The man is slightly relieved and asks, "Then who is it? Your father? Brother?"
The woman replies, "No..." She leans into his ear and whispers, "That was me before the surgery."
TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.
I guess you can say the earth is flat.
A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.
"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."
Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.
A little confused he asked "where am I?"
Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"
"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself
slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant! I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...
What did you just call it?! I cried.
It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look! he shouted, pointing excitedly.
And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"
Degree
I was waiting for a green light when I saw an elderly woman walking with a small child.
The excited young girl was walking slightly faster than the old lady, so the woman yelled, Degree! Wait for me!
Intrigued by such a unique name, I got out of the car and asked why she called the girl Degree.
She said, Well, I sent her mother to college to get an education, and she came home with this instead.
I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....
...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.
A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out
Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?
The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.
Cursed?
Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.
There once was a man who looked especially ugly
Feeling depressed about being the ugliest person in the world, he tried to kill himself, only for a slightly less ugly person to save him at the last minute.
Thank you, kind sir! Why did you save me?
I don't want first place.
My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party
. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"
"You don't look a day over fifty!" I told the mother-in-law on her birthday.
Slightly ruined her 38th.
I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.
I sprinkled some more over the bed.
I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.
I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly nervous.
Now all I need is the perfect line to introduce myself.
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.
Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.
Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
A guy goes to the doctor, feeling slightly unwell.
He goes in and asks the doctor if he can do some tests to see what it is.
The doctor comes back 10 minutes later and says, "Good news: you have a rare disease. Bad news, you have a rare disease."
The guy asks,"So what is it? What's the disease called?"
The doctor says,"Your choice."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Slightly tweaking a joke my 4 year old told me
What do you call it when a pig picks its nose and wipes it on a cow?
A hambooger
Three old friends are walking on a beach, when one turns slightly to the group and says:
„It's windy today!
„No, it's Thursday! replies the one walking in the middle, looking a bit confused.
„So am I! Let's have a beer. adds the third one
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between an o**... and a r**... thermometer?
The taste.
(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)
Bonus joke:
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister, have you got a pen?"
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh no," she says, "some a**...'s got my pen."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you m**...."
She was watching our wedding video again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
North Korean scientists report 50% success at turning s**... into butter
Spreads fine, taste slightly off.
My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"
It's because he's slightly acidic
I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl.
All I remember is the punchline was a hoot.
A burglar breaks into a joint
While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"
Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"
Burglar: "Hahaha! Look at you, what's your name?"
Parrot: "Jared Leto"
Burglar: "That's an odd name for a parrot. Who would name their parrot 'Jared-Leto'?
Parrot: "The same person who would name his rottweiler 'Heavenly Father'!
*First Cake day joke!
A son was walking along side his father
While walking, the kid was looking at his phone and didn't notice a pole in front of him, which resulted with him colliding with the pole.
The father said, That was some a pole ing behavior and began to laugh at his own joke
The son, being slightly irritated, snapped back at the father saying, was that pun really necessary?
The father than replied with, well, you walked right into that one
Just finished building an Ikea shelf. I'm going to name it Joe.
It's a bit shakey and leans slightly to the left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private s**... lives
Whenever it has the spot on the application that says s**...: , as a young man, I'm always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.
Sometimes it provides me with the choice of M or F online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I'll be able to put M for many
As an aside, for some reason, the people I meet during the interview always seem confused at first
I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky
and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few clouds. That's when I realized:
It was the clam before the storm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers...
... and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.
I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...
..we were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden she yells, Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. What did you just call it? I asked.
It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! she said, ... and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.
Must say, I'm inclined to agree.
