Slightly Jokes

Following is our collection of mildly humor and drastically one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Slightly puns for adults, dirty albeit jokes or clean asks gags for kids.

There is an abundance of sorta jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 71 funniest jokes on slightly. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any utterly witze you can hear about slightly.

The Best jokes about Slightly

During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

Did you hear about the chronic masturbator that was slightly under the weather?

He's not feeling himself today.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron."

She was watching our wedding video again.

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

Blonde walks into a...

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."


Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive)

Alien vs. Predator

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

I said to my girlfriend.....

I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."

What fun that was...

An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?" (Slightly nsfw)

His boss answers "I don't know."

The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!"

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."


Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

I know this lesbian couple who gave me a watch...

The couple gave me a very nice Rolex for my birthday. I'm slightly disappointed though. I should of clarified what I meant when I said "I wanna watch".

Dry Cleaning

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."

Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.

A little confused he asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"

A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.

St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

For Sale...

Parachute: $300.

Slightly stained.

Used once; never opened.

No strings attached.


A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.

"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."

I said, "Did it hurt?"

She looked puzzled, so I continued. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" She lifted her head slightly and whispered, "Please... call... an ambulance..."

That's when I looked up and realized she's actually fallen out of a window.

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator...

"Where are we heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood"

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?

The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.

Cursed?

Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.

A man and a woman are making love...

...when the man notices a picture of another man on the lady's bedside.

The man panics and asks, "Who is this? Is this your husband?"

The woman smiles and says, "No... You're so hot when you're jealous!"

The man is still panicked and asks, "Boyfriend?"

The woman shakes her head.

The man is slightly relieved and asks, "Then who is it? Your father? Brother?"

The woman replies, "No..." She leans into his ear and whispers, "That was me before the surgery."

Original joke that actually happened in real life. Slightly dirty.

My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"

My girlfriend is slightly off the rails.

I'm just hoping she doesn't untie herself in time.

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...



As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant! I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...

What did you just call it?! I cried.

It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look! he shouted, pointing excitedly.

And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.

A rabbit walks into a men's clothing store...

And the clerk says,"May I help you, sir?"
"Yes", says the rabbit. "I'd like a BLT with some coleslaw please."
"I'm sorry sir", says the clerk," but we don't have that here."
"Oh, ok.", says the slightly deflated rabbit. "I guess I'll have a house salad."
"Sir," replies the slightly annoyed clerk," we don't have that. Is there something else I can help you with?"
"Well," says the rabbit," in that case I'll just have a bowl of tomato soup."
The clerk is now incensed. "Sir, we don't have food! The sign outside clearly says 'men's clothing store'! Can't you read?"
"Listen, buddy", says the rabbit,"if I could read, I would have asked you for a menu!"

Penguin

A bartender was working late at night when suddenly a man ran bursting through the door and asked the bartender.

Man: "QUICK, HOW TALL IS A PENGUIN?"

The bartender slightly confused, he simply said.

Bartender: "about this tall"

The man started to panic and said.

Man: "Oh god i ran over a nun!"

Yokel Logic

Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.

He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'

The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'

The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'

The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'

'Okay then.'

'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'

'Yep'

'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'

'Arr'

'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'

'Wow, incredible, go on!'

'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'

'Moi god...'

'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'

'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'

'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.

The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.

''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.

'Alroight then', says the friend

'So, do you have a tract'r?'

'No'

'Then you're Gay!'

Slightly more modern Russian joke

Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, "My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of vodka in the morning?"

The worker thinks and says, "Well... I suppose so."

Putin frowns because that wasn't the answer he was expecting, but presses on: "Do you think you could still do your job if you'd had two bottles of vodka in the morning?" The worker nods and says he probably could. Putin, now becoming exasperated, asks: "What if you'd had *three* bottles?"

The worker replies, "I'm here, aren't I?"

Jake was on his deathbed

His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

Young Timmy asks his mother a question.

"Mummy?" begins Timmy

"Yes, Timmy?" she responds, a smile on her face.

"Why do you jump up and down on Daddy's tummy in bed at night?"

Slightly shocked, she held her composure. "Well, Timmy, it's because I'm pushing all of the air out of Daddy's tummy so that it doesn't look so big any more."

"Oh," said Timmy, looking confused.

"Is there a problem, Timmy?" asks his mother.

"Yes, Mummy. You shouldn't bother squashing Daddy's tummy any more because Aunt Tracey comes over every morning when you're at work and keeps blowing it back up again."

I took a taxi the other night

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home

Sure enough i pass a police road block but because it was a taxi they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before, am not sure where i got it.

I know its slightly distasteful but, what's the best way to punish a blind kid?

rearrange the furniture

Joke I heard while in Hungary

Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.

"Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.

Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan espaΓ±ol?" Again, the cops merely shrug.

The foreigner continues with the same result with Dutch, Russian, and German. Eventually, he leaves, knowing that there's no hope for him to communicate with the officers.

"I keep telling you we should learn more languages!" says one cop to the other.

"Why?" he responds. "That man knows five, and it didn't get him anywhere."

Everyone is going crazy over that Kim and Kanye named their baby "North West" I believe she's going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left

For Sale: Parachute

Never opened, slightly stained.

A man is sitting on his porch...

when a young boy walks by, holding a roll of duct tape. The man, slightly amused yet curious, asks the boy what he plans on doing with it.

"I take duck tape down to the lake, and I use it to catch ducks", replies the boy. The man laughs it off, but later the boy returns with his arms full of ducks.

The next day, the man is once again sitting on his porch when the boy comes around again, this time with a roll of chicken wire under his arm. "to catch chickens with", the boy tells the man, who is still a little skeptical, and laughs it off. Sure enough, that night he sees the boy carrying an armload of fat chickens.

The third day, the boy is carrying something, so the man asks what it is.

"They're pussywillows. I use it to..."

The man cuts him off. "I'll get my coat!"

In a crowded city…

at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. Β As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Β 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.Β 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.Β 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.Β 

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.Β 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.Β 

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"Β 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"Β 

The Chinese 69 (Slightly NSFW)

A chinese couple get married. But theres one problem...shes a virgin and the man isn't very experienced either. The bed sheets are ready and the magic is about to happen.

The husband says, "What You Want? Tell me and I GIVE YOU!"
The wife says, "I want what they call..... 6^9..."
The husband says..."You want Beef with Broccoli?"

Why did the pirate prefer slightly above average students?

Because he always preferred the high C's

I used to hate it when people slightly messed up proverbs...

But I guess it's no use crying over spoiled milk.

Anniversary gift

A man decides that he is really going to spoil his wife for their anniversary this year, so he splashes out on some expensive lingerie for her.


On receiving the gift, she smiles and gives him a peck on the cheek - and he feels slightly annoyed that she doesn't seem to truly appreciate how much thought he put in to the gift.


Finally, after three days of resentment he confronts her: "You haven't really even thanked me properly for the lovely gift I got you - I don't know why I even bother"

To which the wife replies "Oh, I'm sorry darling - I love the lingerie! I've had numerous compliments already!"

TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

I want to share a recent experience about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have had brushes with authorities on our way home from late night "social sessions". A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends having a few drinks and let's just say I may have had a few too many. Knowing that I was "slightly" over the limit, I did something I had never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was, they waved it past. So I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.

There once was a man who looked especially ugly

Feeling depressed about being the ugliest person in the world, he tried to kill himself, only for a slightly less ugly person to save him at the last minute.

Thank you, kind sir! Why did you save me?

I don't want first place.

I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....

...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks surprised, "Well, if you 'chose' it, then you should be in the free will line."

So our Calvinist, now slightly miffed, obediently wanders over to the free will line.

Again, after a few minutes, another angel asks him, "Why are you in this line?"

He sullenly replies, "Someone made me come here."

When I worked as Tech Support for an ISP I had a woman call outraged that we allowed "filth" on her computer...

After she calmed down slightly she explained that her 10 year old Granddaughter was sleeping over and they were having a "Spa Night" and did a web search on "Facials". . . .I was able to hit the mute button in time to avoid making matters far worse... True Story!

Help! Performing in front of a deaf audience, and need an appropriate opening joke or two

Tomorrow I'm conducting a charity benefit for a large state wide deaf education foundation. I'll be in front of ~500 people talking. I Want at least one slightly edgy jokes that would cater to this sort of rich (and largely deaf) audience.

"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.
"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.""

You can make fun of Kim and Kanye's kid all you want...

But that kid is going nowhere but up... And slightly to the left.

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking
and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to
have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from
the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago,
I was out for a few drinks with some friends
at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather
nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly
over the limit, I did something I've never done before:
I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block
but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as
I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

I know skinny jeans are fashionable...

But as a slightly chubby man, I just can't seem to be able to pull them off

Holidays

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life.

"Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.

"You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

A teacher was arrested because he attempted to board a flight while possessing a ruler, protractor, and calculator...

(sorry it's *slightly* outdated but funny nonetheless)

A teacher was arrested because he attempted to board a flight while possessing a ruler, protractor, and calculator. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man's a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man's been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a problem for us, Gonzales said. Its followers desire solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns,' but we've determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country.

When asked to comment on the arrest, George W. Bush said, If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He'd have given us more fingers and toes. Aides told reporters they couldn't recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style...

...and she ends up in a small village.

The first person she interviews is an old man.

Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?

Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took turns having sex with it.

The reporter now slightly scared replies: I'm afraid that's not something I can very well use, maybe something more...cheerful?

The old man replies: Very well, back in the day this very attractive woman from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found her and took turns having sex with her.

The reporter now visibly disturbed replies: That's not going to work either... maybe something sad that happened then.

The old man replies: Well there was this one time when I got lost in the neighbouring forrest...

The Man with the Tiny Head

A man walks into a bar, seemingly normal sized body, but he has what can only be described as a head so tiny, it was unfit to be on top of his neck. He goes up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Drinks are on the house if you don't mind me asking what is wrong with your head."

The man stares at him slightly and says, "I was stranded on an island, my plane had crashed. A few days in I found an old fashioned bottle and when I picked it out of the sand, a beautiful genie appeared. I still can not forget her, her beauty was indescribable. She said to me that she would grant me any wish I desired. I, of course, wanted to go home, but this woman was unlike anything I had ever seen before and I had been away from my wife for several weeks. I asked her to have sex with me and she said she was sorry, but she did not grant wishes for sex and that I had to wish again."

"So, what did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I did what any man would do." said the man. "I looked her straight in the eye and said if we can not have sex then how about just a little head instead?"

A buddist monk recently became a street vendor

A passerby bought a $1 item from him and gave him a 50 dollar note.
The monk took the note and just sat down afte thanking him.
The guy got slightly angry when there was no change given and the monk answered

"change comes from within"

A cop pulls over a driver with a broken tail light...

The officer approaches the driver of the vehicle and asks how long he has been driving with a broken tail light. Without answering the question the driver jumps out of his car, runs to the rear of his vehicle and groans. Seeing he was upset the officer tried to cheer him up slightly "come on now, don't take it so hard. Its not that serious."
"It isn't?" Replied the driver, "then do you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

A Rabbi and a Catholic priest are driving down the road...

when they happen to see this young boy walking down the sidewalk. The priest leans over to the Rabbi and says. "Hey Rabbi...whaddaya say we screw this little boy?" The Rabbi looks back at him, slightly confused, and asks "Out of what?"

"You don't look a day over fifty!" I told the mother-in-law on her birthday.

Slightly ruined her 38th.

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.

"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.

"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly sceptical.

The man leaves and enters again with the biggest newt the bartender had ever seen. It was almost a meter long and the bartender was shocked silent.

"This is my newt: Tiny." The man tells the bartender.

"Tiny? But it's massive!" The bartender says in shock.

"He's called Tiny because he's my newt."

A duck walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes." The duck turns and leaves.

The next day the duck returns to the bar and again asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, slightly flustered at this point, says, "No. This is a bar. We do not have grapes, we have never had grapes, and we will almost definitely never have grapes. The duck turns and leaves.

The following day, the duck once again returns to the bar and once more asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender shouts, "No! We do not have any grapes! And the next time you ask I swear I will nail your beak to this bar!" The duck quickly waddles away in fright.

A day later, the duck cautiously approaches the bar. As the bartender glares, the duck asks, "Got any nails?" With a surprised and confused expression, the bartender replies, "No..." With a pleased expression, the duck responds, "Good. Got any grapes?"

A polar bear walks into a bar

A polar bear walks into a bar and finds a stool. The bartender asks him what he'd like, to which he replies, "I'll have a............. a beer please."

The bartender, slightly confused by the hesitation asks, "why the large pause?"

The polar bear responds, "I was **born** with them!!!"

Geriatric pick-up lines.

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

So a duck walks into a bank...

He waddles up to the teller and demands a big mac, fries, and a shake.

"This is a bank." She explains. "We don't serve food here."

The duck walks out.

The next day the duck comes back and walks up to the same teller. Again he demands a big mac, fries, and a shake.

Slightly aggrivated, she explains again that he won't be getting any food.

The next day the duck comes back, orders a big mac, fries, and a shake.

The teller is furious. "WE DON'T SERVE FOOD HERE, THIS IS A BANK! IF YOU COME IN ONE MORE TIME, IM GOING TO NAIL YOUR FEET RIGHT TO THE FLOOR!"

The duck leaves calmly.

The next day, sure enough he comes back. He walks up to the teller and asks "Do you have any nails?"

"No."

"Get me a big mac, fries, and a shake."

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

(slightly dirty) What's the difference between a striptease artist and a trapeze artist

A trapeze artist has a cunning stunt....

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes