slide Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious slide puns

New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

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Three women are bragging about their conquests in a bar

The first one says,"I am so loose, I can fit my fist in my pussy!".

The second one responds with, "Oh yeah? I can fit both my fists in mine!".

The third woman laughs as she starts to slide down the barstool.

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"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

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An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

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Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?

To get to the other slide

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A redneck family was visiting the city...

...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."

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The next time your boss asks you to start your presentation with a joke...

...attach your payslip on the first slide.

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A car carrying 3 men broke down in the middle of a desert...

"Let's each take a part and try to make it back to civilization." One of them suggested. They all agreed it was a good idea.

"I'll take the hood," said the first, "This way if I find myself atop a hill, I can slide down quickly, like a sled."

"I'll take the wheels," said the second, "In case I want to bring something with me I can roll it along instead of carrying it."

"I'll take the door." Said the last, "If I get hot I can simply roll down the window."

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Midnight Surprise!

A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

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An Amish boy and his Dad . . .

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .

'Go get your Mother'

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Be careful this Winter!!!!

Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!

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Three Greeks and Three Turks are riding a train.

The Turks each buy one ticket, but the Greeks only buy one ticket total. The Turks are confused.

"How can you ride with one ticket?"

"Watch and you shall see."

The Greeks get on the train and pile into the bathroom. The Turks sit near the bathroom and observe. The conductor knocks on the door and says "Ticket please." The Greeks slide the ticket through the door.

The Turks think this is ingenious! They decide to try it, so on the ride back they buy only one ticket. But the Greeks don't buy any.

"How will you ride without any tickets?"

"Watch and you shall see."

They get on the train. The Turks pile into one bathroom, the Greeks into another. One Greek gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the bathroom the Turks are hiding in, and says:

"Ticket please."

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A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Starch in your shorts! (Always makes me laugh:3)

Grandpa and Billy were working out in the garden.

Grandpa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.

"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.

Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed Grandpa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.

"Grandpa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."

"No," replied Grandpa, "That dollar's from grandma!"



(Not sure if repost :( )

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Sex with a patient

Doc Jones had sex with one of his patients and felt super guilty all day. It didn't matter what he tried to get it out of his mind, it was just not happening. His guilt was just too much.

There was that little voice in his head trying to get rid of the guilt. "Jones, Don't worry! You are not the first doctor who had sex with one of his patients and for sure you won't be the last. You are single, just let it slide!"

And then always the second little voice kicked him back in reality:

"Jones, you're a vet."

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So a man went to a whore house

A man visits Japan and his buddy tells him about this whore house on a corner downtown. He goes to the address, nervous he knocks on the door.
A little eyehole opens up, "what."
The man answers "I want to get fucked"
"Slide $20 under the door."
The man slides a $20 bill under the door and waits.
After a few moments, nothing happens.
The man knocks again, angry.
"What this time" the man behind the door says.
"I said I want to get fucked!"
The man behind the door answers "Again?!"

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Magic slide

Three friends - two men and a blonde woman - are exploring the African wilderness.

They come across a mystical looking place with a really long slide. The slide has a sign next to it that reads, "Welcome travellers to the slide of dreams. Take a ride! As you get to the bottom of the slide shout out what you wish to slide into."

So the first man goes and as he gets to the bottom shouts "marshmellows!", and he lands into a huge bed of marsh mellows.

The second man hears his friend's glee and decides to give it a go. As he gets to the bottom he shouts "cash!", and he lands into a huge bed of $100 dollar notes.

The blonde sees everyone seems to be having heaps of fun decides to give it a go as well. As she gets to the bottom she gets incredibly excited and shouts "weeeeeeeee!"

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Bar Bet

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 if you slide a glass down the bar, I can whip out my dick, pee in the glass, and not spill a drop."

Bartender says, "No way man, that's impossible. It's a bet"

Bartender slides a glass from the end of the bar. The guy whips out his dick, and pisses all over the bar, hardly getting any in the glass.

"Ha! I told you, that'll be $100 please," the bartender laughs as he starts wiping up the mess.

The guy smiles as he pays the bartender.

"What are you smiling about? I just took you for $100."

"Yes you did, but see that guy over there? I bet him $500 if I pissed all over your bar, you'd laugh and clean it up!"

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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other... Slide.

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When an Amish sees an elevator for the first time...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

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A man visits a whorehouse in Japan

A man goes on a trip to Japan to see some friends. His buddy tells him about this whorehouse on a corner downtown. He goes to the address, nervously he knocks on the door.
A peephole opens up, "what can I do for you?" The man answers "I want to get fucked"
"Slide $50 under the door."
The man slides a $50 bill under the door and waits. After a few moments, nothing happens. The man knocks again, angry. "What is it this time?" the man behind the door says. "I said I want to get fucked!"
The man behind the door replies "Again?!"

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A Priest Offers a Nun a Lift..

She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg and nearly causing the priest to have an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129?

The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129?

The priest apologized Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

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A married couple were lying in bed one night.

The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and slide his fingers down there. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband confused, asked, What are you doing taking all your night clothes off?

The wife replied, You were playing with my pussy, I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.

The husband said, No, not at all.

Then the wife asked, Well what the hell were you doing then?

To which the husband replied, I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book.

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A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."

"What is HAGS" the man asks.

"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.

"Oh my God," says the man. "What are you going to do?"

"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."

"Is that going to help me?" asks the man.

"No," says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door."

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Another Blonde Joke

Two blondes stood by a car in which they had accidentally locked the key.

We need to get in there, says the first blonde. Why don't we use a coat hanger to slide the lock open?

No, says the second. People'd think we're trying to steal the car.

I have a pair of scissors, says the first. We could use it to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock."

No, they'd just say we're too stupid to use a coat hanger.

Well, we'd better think of something fast, sighed the first blonde. It's starting to rain and all the car windows are open.

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A farmer and his wife are sitting on the front porch...

The farmer looks over at his wife's breasts and says "If I could get milk out of those, I could get rid of the cows"

The wife takes offense, but lets it slide this time.

After a few minutes the farmer looks down at his wife's crotch.
"If I could get eggs from that I'd get rid of the chickens," the farmer says.

At this time the wife has had enough. She graps ahold of his crotch and calmly says,
"If I could get off on this, I'd get rid of your brother."

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He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

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After a few more drinks and some good conversation...

A man walks up the the bartender at a local pub and orders a beverage. After a few more drinks and some good conversation with the bartender the man asks, "Hey barkeep, You want to make a bet?"

The bartender shrugs and responds, "It all depends on the bet, I suppose..."

The man says, "I bet $500 that if you slide a beer mug from end to end on the bar I can stand on the bar and piss in it without getting a single drop on the bar."

To which the bartender chuckled and says confidently, "You've got no chance... You're on!"

After the two shake hands, the man stands on the bar and takes his aim as the bartender slides the empty mug. The man somehow managed to miss the mug entirely and piss all over the bar...

The man, smiling radiantly, then gets down from the bar and pays the $500 to the bartender.

The bartender asks, "What are you so happy about, you just lost $500?!"

The man responds, "See that guy at the corner booth? I bet him $1500 that I could piss all over your bar and make you happy about it..."

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

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One for the Mathematicians

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.

A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.

After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!

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Blond who wanted to ride horses.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

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Why did the chicken cross the powerpoint presentation?

To get to the other slide.

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The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."

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She must do some of those special exercises

A couple are on their first date. It goes well, they have fun, and at the end of the evening she invites him in for a drink. Soon they are making out on the couch.

After a while, she whispers, "Put your finger inside me."

After a bit longer, "Put another finger in."

Later, "Put all your fingers in."

"Put your whole hand in"

"That's wonderful. Now your other hand."

"Now slide both hands up, all the way to your elbows."

"Now clap."

He says, "I can't."

"Tight, huh?"

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A woman is cleaning her bathroom...

...and slips. She does the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She calls her husband.

"I'm kinda stuck to the floor...".

He tries to lift her, but can't do it. So he calls a plumber.

They both tried to pull her up, to no avail.

So he says "I'm sorry, but I think we'll have to break the tiles to get her free, and the hospital should do the rest.".

Then the husband says "Hey, we could fondle her instead.".

The plumber, flabbergasted, says "Why?".

"If we get her wet enough, we can slide her over to the kitchen. The tiles there were only $30 per square foot.".

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What are the best Slide jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Slide? Well, here are the best Slide dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Slide pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes