slid Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious slid puns

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

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Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar. . .

and they're drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.

The first one says: "Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.

The second one laughs and says: "That's nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it all around, barely touching the sides!"

The third one laughed at the other two and slid down the bar stool.

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A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

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I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

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My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

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3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are...

One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.

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"Tell me what you want." I whispered, as I slid my finger up and down her G string…

She said, "I want my guitar back."

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Last night I took the bus home when a midget came and sat next to me...

After a few minutes the bus stopped rather fast and he slid off his seat. I quickly grabbed him by the arm and put him back on his seat. A little while later, he slid off his seat, again. I was able to grab him quickly and help him back to his seat once more. So we move along and AGAIN he goes sliding off his seat. This time I grabbed him and said

"Jesus! Are you going to keep sliding off your goddam seat?" to which he replied

"Fuck off you silly cunt- I've been trying to get off at the last 3 stops and you won't let me!"

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Ed the Chicken

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.


'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard…..

Ed, wake up! You've shit in the bed!

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A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Ticket, Please! [Clean]

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

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"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string...

She panted, "I want my guitar back."

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John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant...

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to Mary, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

Mary calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

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Three housewives were sitting at a bar

Each woman was bragging about how big their pussies were.
The first woman stated: my pussies so big my husband can fit his whole hand inside.
Thats nothing says the second house wife, my husband can fit both of his hands inside my pussy.
The third house wife just slid down the barstool.

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A Priest Offers a Nun a Lift..

She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg and nearly causing the priest to have an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129?

The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129?

The priest apologized Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

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"For your final police recruit evaluation,"

"there are six rounds in the cylinder" the Sergeant said as he slid a revolver across the desk. "I want you to go shoot five black men and a rabbit".

The puzzled prospective cadet responded, "A rabbit, sir?"

The Sergeant shot up from his seat with an outstretched hand, "welcome to the force, son!"

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I went to my in-laws for dinner

An argument inevitably broke out and my wife told me not to take sides.

I told her "they wont notice", as I slid the roast potatoes into my pocket "they are to distracted"

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Cigarettes in the rain

Two old ladies were sitting out in front of a nursing home smoking, when all of the sudden it began to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut the tip off and slid it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

*Lady 2*: "What in the world is that?"

*Lady 1*: "A condom."

*Lady 2*: "Where can I get one??"

*Lady 1*: "At the pharmacy!"

So the other old lady walks to the drug store, straight to the pharmacist.

*Lady*: "I'd like to buy some condoms please!"

*Pharmacist*: "There are many kinds, do you need anything in particular?"

*Lady*: "I don't care, as long as they'll fit on a Camel!"

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Confession...

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me"
Man: "Okay..."

He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.

So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.

He walked back in and slid the post up the woman's ass, but it slid out. He tried again and again, but every time it fell out. The man asked himself what could be wrong.

And then he realized, there was just simply too much reposting on this sub.

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The Booby Licking Bartender

A man sat down at a bar just a few seats away from a beautiful blond showing a lot of cleavage and ordered a beer.

The bartender filled a mug and slid it down the bar, but it hit the lady's chest and splashed beer on her breasts. The bartender retrieved the mug, gave it to the man, and then licked the excess beer off the blonde's breasts.

When the man ordered another beer, the same thing happened again.

After his third beer also hit her, he decided it was time to share the bartender's fun. So he moved over and started licking the woman's breasts himself, and she decked him!

Lying on the floor, he groaned, "Why didja hit me? You let the bartender do it?!"

She replied, "Well yeah - he has a licker license!"

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The sliding glass doors automatically open, and...

a man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball…

stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

What did you do? , asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!

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My friend stole the book I was reading and threw it across the table where it slid with ease

It was non-friction.

^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry.

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A man and his friend were playing golf one afternoon when a funeral drove by...

The man was about to swing but stopped and bowed his head and said a prayer, then aimed and let a beautiful swing rip.

His friend said, "Wow man, that was pretty respectful of you to say a prayer for who ever died."

His friend slid his club into his bag and said, "Well, I was married to her for 40 years so I figured I owed her that."

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"It'll never fit in" she said, a worried look on her face.

"It's far too big".
I pushed, and it slid right in through the back, as far as it could go.
"Oh", she said, with a slight smile and a gasp.

Fucking knew I'd fit that table in the car.

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The Fireman's bell system.

A man came home from work one day and told his wife how good his fireman job was when they used a bell system. He explained to her when bell 1 rang they slid down the firemans pole, bell 2 they grab thier jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go.

He also told her he wanted to use the same system so when bell 1 rang she was to go straight to the room, when bell 2 rang she was to strip naked and when bell 3 rang she was to be lying on the bed with her legs in the air ready to go. When he came home the next day he rang the first bell and his wife went straight to the bedroom and then he rang the second so his wife stripped naked and then he rang the last bell and she was instantly lying on the bed with her legs in the air.

After a few minutes his wife screams out bell 4, bell 4. A confused husband asks what's bell 4?

The wife replies, "you need more hose, more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!

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I slide her panties to the side

So I could fit her socks in the drawer.

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Chet the chicken

Chet came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his
sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
"You died in your sleep, Chet'"

Chet was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too
much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only
one way you
can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Chet was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a
farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered
with feathers,clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen,
huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad,' replied Chet the hen, 'but I have
this strange
feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster.
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg
before?"

"Never," said Chet

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the
rooster. "It's no big deal."

Chet did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out
popped an egg!

Chet was overcome with emotion as he experienced
motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was
overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on
the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

"Chet Wake up. You shit in the bed!"

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3 Women are sat at a bar..

The first of the three says proudly "I can fit my whole fist up there". To this the second woman turns and says "well I can fit both my fists up there". The third woman just smiled and slowly slid down the barstool.

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A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead are sitting at a bar.

They are discussing how many fingers they can fit into their pussy.

The Redhead says, "I can fit 2 fingers!"

The then Brunette replies, "I can fit 3 fingers!"

Then the Blonde began to laugh as she slid down the bar stool.

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A man named Nate

So, once upon a time in a poor country there was an earthquake. A rock slid down a hill and crushed a town's well. Now the town could not get fresh water and wasn't going to be able to live long. So they tried to move the rock. They got the biggest tree they could find and tried to pry it up, but it didn't budge. Finally, on the second day with no water a man named Nate went to move the rock. He lifted it up with relative ease and moved it. Then the town had fresh water again.

Morale: Better Nate than Lever.

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Ralph's Journey to Heaven

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," said Ralph.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

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{NSFW} Your mom is such a slut..

...that when she gave birth to you, she slid you in and out a couple times.

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A piece of space trash wanted to ask a spaceship to homecoming.

A piece of space trash wanted to ask a spaceship to homecoming. They slid past each other in orbit. I guess he wasn't *inclined* enough!

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What are the most funny Slid jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Slid? Well, here are the best Slid dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Slid pick up lines to share with friends.

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