slices Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious slices puns

A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"

The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"

The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"

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How often do I put orange slices in my beer?

Oh, once in a Blue Moon.

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You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore.

Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.

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Who was the roundest member of Sir Arthurs round table?

Sir Cumference.


He at too much Pi.


He ate approximately 3.142 slices

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A husband and wife are playing a round of golf..

On the 18th hole the husband slices his ball to the right and lands in front of a barn. The husband asks his wife to open up the barn door so he could hit it through the barn and onto the green. The husband then shanks his shot, which hits his wife in the head and immeidately kills her.

5 years later the man is approached by his buddies who want him to get back into golf. The man hesitantly agrees. They end up playing the same course as the incident and the man hits his drive to the same spot on the 18th hole. One of his buddies says "I can go up there and open up the barn door, so you can hit it through onto the green". The man slowly and emotionally replies "I can't, I just can't. Last time I tried to hit that shot..... I got a triple bogey"

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I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

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Does anyone else love thick sandwiches with three slices of bread and two layers of filling?

We should make a club.

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Jesus and Moses play Golf

...Moses crushes his drive off the first tee straight up the middle of the fairway. Jesus tees up, takes a big swing at the ball and slices horribly. The ball bounces off a tree and is about to splash into the creek but a turtle pops up and the ball bounces off his shell into the air where a passing bird grabs it and drops it onto the green where it rolls within a foot of the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says "So...are we gonna golf or we gonna fuck around?"

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Why didn't the two slices of bread talk?

Because there was beef between them!


> I was arguing with my girlfriend about what constitutes a sandwich. One thing lead to another and this corny joke was born. It's probably been said before. Enjoy!

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Two golfers are playing a round...

One of them slices one hard and after a bit of a search he comes back complaining of how much he hates losing golf balls. The other guy says;

"I actually have a ball that's impossible to lose... I'll give it to you"

"Impossible?" the first guys says, "That's hard to believe. What if it lands in water?"
"No problem... it floats"

"What if it's dark?"

"It glows in the dark."

"What if it lands in tall grass?"

"It will emit a whistle so you know where it is."

"What if lands like really far into the Bush?"

"You pair it with your phone and track it that way."

"That's amazing," says the first golfer, "where did you get it?"

"I found it!"

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Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

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A giraffe walks into a hat store...

...and orders three slices of pizza - any kind would be fine.

The store owner looks puzzled at the giraffe; "Uh, we don't serve pizza slices here-"

"Then a burger or something, I don't care," the giraffe interrupts.

"We don't sell that either, we-"

Again, the giraffe interrupts, noticably irritated with the clerk's attidute: "Just serve me *something*, okay?! I'm *starving* here!"

"But this is a hat store! Can't you read the sign outside?" the store owner asked.

"Well if I knew how to read, don't you think I'd have asked for a menu?!"

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My girlfriend is very strange...

When we go to bed, she starts placing slices of beetroot circling her muff.

Every time I ask her about it she goes off on one about how great salads are...

"Jeez", I thought, "why does she always have to beet around the bush".

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Me and my wife went out for dinner. I ordered the Meatloaf...

...they brought me 3 slices and I ate 2. She complained i didn't finish, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad....

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I've heard one beer = 7 slices of bread

I ate a whole loaf and I'm not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?

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A man amd his wife walk into a store and the wife steals a jar of peaches

Loss prevention catches her however, and pulls them aside to wait for a police officer to show up. Upon arrival, he is told what happened and handed the jar. He then counts how many slices of peach there are, for she is to spend a week in jail for each one. In this case 6. The officer then pulls out the paper on which to write up the report, but just as he begins to fill it out, the husband exclaims, "Wait! She stole a can of peas too!"

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Did you hear the two slices of bread broke up?

I wonder rye.

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A guy goes to his butcher

He asked for sliced ham. The butcher takes his block of ham, put on the machine and start cutting some slices. He cuts 1 slice, 2 slices, 3 slices and looks at the customer:

Should I stop or do you want me to go on?

Go on, go on!

I cuts 5 mores slices and look at the customer again:

Go on, keep cutting some slices .

The butcher continue his work and after a long time and 11 more slices the customer says:

Stop! That's the one I want.

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Would you like the pizza cut into eight or twelve slices?

Just eight, I don't think I could eat twelve!

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The Pizza Cutter

A guy walks into a pizza place to pick up the pizza he ordered. The worker behind the counter says, "Would you like your pizza cut in eight slices or ten?" The man replies, "You better make it eight - I don't think I could eat all ten!"

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I saw a man at the grocery store flinging slices of American cheese into the air.

He then started chugging cartons of milk right off the shelf.

After that he started smashing containers of yogurt open on his forehead.

It was shocking. All I could think was how dare he!

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Two Slices in a Ham Sandwich Marry Each Other.

I bet their children will be inbread.

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What do you get when you divide 3.14 by 6?

6 slices of pi

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What do you call a guy with a slice of ham on his head?

Hammed....

What do you call a guy with two slices of ham on his head?

Mohammed...

What do you call a guy with two slices of ham on his head standing between two buildings?

Mohammed Ali.

(Hope I didn't offend anyone ;p)

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I'm confused...

square box, round pizza but triangle slices.

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Recipe for a trump sandwich.

2 slices of white bread.
Full of balogna.
Russian dressing.
And a tiny little pickle.

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Yur mom is so fat

Her nipples look like bologna slices.

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I like my woman like I like my pizza

filled with sausage, cut into slices, and still warm!!

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A golfer is about to tee off

when his friend and a huge gorilla turn up . His friend asks if he would like to play 9 holes with his gorilla, intrigued, the guy agrees and he tees off, straight into the rough.The gorilla however hits a superb shot and lands it an inch from the hole, the golfer concedes the hole. Next hole, same thing, slices it into the rough, but the gorilla hits an amazing drive, less than a centimetre from the hole, the golfer once again concedes. This goes on until, intrigued once more, he asks his friend what the gorillas putting is like, "same as his driving" answers his friend.

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A little girl helping with holiday meal.

She gives her grandpa a slice of pumpkin pie. He passes it down the table.
She brings out another slice of pie and gives to grandpa. He passes it down the table.
She brings out another slice of pie and gives to grandpa. He passes it down the table.
She slams her hand down. "Grandpa, this is ridiculous! All the slices are the same size!"

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King Arthur leaves for two weeks

but before he leaves, he knows Guinevere will cheat on him with all the knights, so he installs a special chastity belt that slices off anything that enters it.

When Arthur returns, he lines up all of his knights and instructs them to take off their pants and underwear (Act like pants and underwear exists in the 5th century, Ok?) and discovers that all of them have no penis except for Sir Xavier. The king says to him,

"Sir Xavier, you are the most honorable, faithful knight that works for me. What can I grant you?"

Alas, Sir Xavier was silent.

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how many slices of bread can you get from a whole loaf?

One, because then it isn't a whole loaf anymore

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Whats the difference between a pizza and an emo pizza?

An emo pizza slices itself.


Note - found online

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I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

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Pokemon Inspired Joke: What do you call a bird that slices meat for a living?

A Delibird

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What are the most funny Slices jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Slices? Well, here are the best Slices dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Slices pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes