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Slept Jokes

108 slept jokes and hilarious slept puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about slept that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Slept Short Jokes

Short slept jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The slept humour may include short fell asleep jokes also.

  1. A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'
    'Not that many!'
  2. I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
  3. Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation.. Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with
    Roman 2: mmm?
    Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many
  4. My girlfriend asked me to name... My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
    I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
  5. Wife: Am I the only one you've ever slept with? Husband: Yes. The others were sixes and sevens.
  6. I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
  7. My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with "Only with you babe..." I replied
    "Awww, really?"
    "...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."
  8. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
  9. My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed. "No," I said, "I'm their coach."
  10. Roman guy: You won't believe how many women I've slept with Second Roman: mmm?
    Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many

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Slept One Liners

Which slept one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with slept? I can suggest the ones about asleep and sleepy.

  1. What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon? He got lemonaids.
  2. Slept like a baby last night Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.
  3. I accidentally slept with my third cousin. The first two were better.
  4. I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.
  5. I slept with a rich girl once. Got lobsters.
  6. I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had. Yep, home schooling has its perks.
  7. I slept like a baby last night 2 hours of sleep and a whole lot of crying
  8. Did you hear about the kidnapping yesterday? He slept for like 5 hours.
  9. I slept like a baby last night. I woke every two hours and cried.
  10. I slept with 4 girls last night... And the floor of the hotel room killed my back.
  11. I slept like a baby last night I drank a bottle before bed and woke up crying
  12. Did you hear about the Piano Teacher that slept with his student? She was A Minor.
  13. Last night I slept like an attorney. First I'd lie one side, then I'd lie on the other.
  14. I haven't slept for ten days... Because that would be way too long
  15. Last night I slept with my contact lenses on. My dreams have never been clearer.

Slept joke, Last night I slept with my contact lenses on.

Hilarious Slept Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about slept you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean falls asleep jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make slept pranks.

One blonde says to another, "I slept with a Brazilian last night".

The other blonde says, "Wow, how many is that"?
lista de piadas

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...

St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."

The homeless man and the farmer

A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"
"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"

A guy walks into a bar with a gun and yelled "Who slept with my wife?"

and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."

The Final Exam

The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"

Two r**... are having a beer together...

One r**... asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other r**... responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."

A man asks his wife

* Husband: Honey, how many men have you slept with?
* Wife: 30....
* Husband: I wish you'd have been a v**... when I married you.
* Wife: I was.

Friendship: Men vs. Women

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Jake's final conversation

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.

St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"

Do these jeans make me look fat?

wife : Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife : No, i won't! Tell me.
Me : I slept with your sister

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."

An old veteran is sitting in a bar

A p**... looking for work approaches him. "Say old man, when was the last time you had s**...?"
The man responds "That must have been around 1958"
"1958?" exclaims the p**... "that's a mighty long time you haven't slept with a woman!"
"Is it?" replies the man, and looks at his watch "it's hardly 2045 right now!"

A woman turns to her husband and asks...

"Dear, how many women have you slept with?"
He replied, "Just you dear, the other ones kept me awake."

A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

My Dad died recently, but unfortunately I slept in and missed the f**...

I guess I'm not a mourning person

A blonde and a brunette are discussing the previous night out...

The brunette says, "Last night I slept with a Brazilian."
"Oh my god!" the blonde replies. "How many is THAT?"

Bros v. h**...

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

The wife

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!  
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!  
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. 
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Egg timer

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!  
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!  
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. 
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Will you get mad?

Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?*
Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?*
Wife: *No, silly. Of course not*
Husband: *I slept with your sister*

How many women have you slept with

wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?"

The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "

3 men go on a trip.....

They decided to just book just 1 room with 1 bed to save money.
After the first night, the man who slept on the right said, "I dreamed I was getting a h**... last night."
The man on the left said, " I dreamed about getting a h**... too! What a coincidence! "
The man in the middle said, "I dreamed I was skiing."

How many women have you slept with?

Husband and wife were snuggling in bed one night when she asks the question, "honey, how many women have you slept with?" "You really want to know this?" He says... "Ok, let's see... 1... 2... 3... 4... you.. 6... 7... 8... 9."

What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after s**... she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

Mommy, could you please make me a sandwich?

Don't call me mommy just because I slept with your father!
So what am I supposed to call you?
Just call me Steve, like everybody else.

After seven years of medical training and hard work

my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there n**... on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up

Good, bad, worse

Good: I slept with my teacher after prom last night.
Bad: I was home schooled.
Worse: by my dad.

What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?

Just cuz.
(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)

Once in a bar, o**... says to another... "I slept with your mom last night."

The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."

The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.

My girlfriend told me she'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

Did you hear about the s**... Amish girl?

She slept with two Mennonite.

Girlfriend said that she slept with 61 men before.

I doubt it, but she insisted that I was her sixty-second man.

So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...

so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.

Two women who are best friends are talking.

"Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"
"No."
"So, we'll be enemies then?
"No."
"What would we be then?
"Even."

How many women have you slept with?

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling, the man replied proudly. With all the others I was awake."

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?
JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing f**.... She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

My friend looked completely shaken. He said that he had just slept with his 3rd cousin.

I said, If it upsets you so much, stop counting them.

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

Friendship between men and women

Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

You hear about the Amish p**...?

She slept with 10 Mennonite

I assured my wife she's the only one I've ever slept with

The others have mostly been eight and nines.
(Cr

What do you call a girl who likes to count the number of guys she's slept with?

Tally h**...!

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he'd tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he's been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother's really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.
The mother said, oh honey, it's not the jokes, it your delivery.

My girlfriend asked me:

Am I the only one you ever slept with?
I said:
Sure u are, the rest were all nines and tens!

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.

Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"

Man: b**..., why should I pay twice.

Two Roman gladiators are talking....

The o**... says, "Guess how many women I've slept with?"
The second guy goes, "Mmmm..."
The first dude goes, "Are you serious?! I'd be dead!"

Husband asks wife, "how many men have you slept with besides me?"

Wife: "zero"
Husband really happy: "really?"
Wife: "yes, I only slept with you, the rest kept me awake"
Ok bye

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever slept with.

She said yes, all the others were at least an 8

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"

The patient said "Yes I'm ready"
The dentist said "I slept with your wife"

"I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date

"Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..

My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with

She said Yea, I was awake with the other ones.

I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a r**... w**... and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.

So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'

Yo mama so s**......

She put a ruler under a pillow to see how long she slept.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's ever slept with. She said yes…

That the rest were 8-9s.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.
Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.
Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.
(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)
Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.

On my wedding night, I finally had to confess to my wife.

I told her before we met, I slept with a lot of prostitutes. She said, I thought I recognized you from somewhere.

Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neighbor to fix it. She tells her husb "It's fixed. Our neighbor said he would fix it if I either slept with him or baked him a pie."

Husband laughs and asks "So what kind of pie did you bake him?"
Wife replies "What am I, a baker?"

Slept joke, Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neigh

jokes about slept