The Best 65 Sleeping Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Sleeping jokes. There are some sleeping snooze jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these sleeping sleeping beauty puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Sleeping Jokes and Puns

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

So he walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

A Fishing Tale


On the shore of the Indian Ocean a raggedy Indian fisherman lay dozing with a hat over his face. Beside him two fishing lines were stuck into the sand.

Up comes an American.

'What are you sleeping for?' says the American. 'You'd be better off catching fish.'

'What for?' asks the fisherman.

'What do you mean, what for? You'd catch some fish, you'd sell them and with the money you'd buy yourself a trawler.

The trawler would catch even more fish. You'd sell it and buy yourself an even bigger boat. You'd catch still more fish. You'd sell it.

Then you'd build yourself a fish processing factory . . . and get rich.

And then you could lie on the beach and sleep.'

The fisherman pulled his hat even further down over his face.

'But that's what I'm doing now.'

Sleeping joke, A Fishing Tale

I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years.

Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.

Sleeping with POTUS

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"


A priest and a nun ...

... are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm cold!" The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she's OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
This time he's starting to nod off when he's again awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm still cold!" So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he's almost asleep this time she calls again, "Father, Father, I'm sooo cold!" The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?" The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, "Yes Father, I'd like that!" To which the priest responds,
...
...
"GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN DAMNED BLANKET YA HARPY!"

That pig is a hero.

One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."

Sleeping joke, That pig is a hero.

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody

Why did the hipster get burned when he drank his coffee?

The barista make a joke about sleeping with his mother.

I like sleeping with amish women

that way i don't have to call the next day

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

You can explore sleeping doze reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean sleeping sleeper dad jokes. There are also sleeping puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Sexy Math Time

So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

How do you move a sleeping cow?

*Use a bulldozer.*

Yes I came up with this joke and yes I'm proud. Don't judge!

Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Ok.

Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.

How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar

They both only come when your sleeping

Sleeping joke, How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar

Billy was sleeping in his room

Billy was sleeping in his room when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy's room. Billy was amazed.

Billy asked ''Who are you?''

The man responded with "I'm you from the future"

Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self.

He asked his older self "What will I be when I grow up?"

The older Billy locked the door and said "A paedophile"

Gender inequality.

There is an inequality when it comes to men and women. For example...

If a man sleeps with hundreds of women he is respected and labled as a stud or a player. Nothing bad is said about him and he goes on acting like the player he is.

However, if a woman that goes around sleeping with hundreds of men, she's your mum.

My father wants me to treat him like a king

So I stabbed him while he was sleeping. The succession line has to go on, dad.


What do you call a tissue that is sleeping?

A napkin

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs...they screw in dirty sleeping bags.

Some people have difficulties sleeping...

but I can do it with my eyes closed.

A man with a gun walks in to a bar...

He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me.

She told me she was at the mall with her friend Carrie. Thing is, Carrie was sleeping right next to me!

What does bill Cosby and Santa have in common?

They both only come when you're sleeping

My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

My 88 year-old grandfather is really good at sleeping.

He can do it with his eyes *open*.

It's been 24 minutes now and he hasn't blinked once.

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

I couldn't afford to take the kids to SeaWorld...

So I took them to the fish market and said "Shhh, they're sleeping".

Don't ever give up on your dreams

Keep sleeping.

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)

The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.

- Will do.

- Thank you. *hangs up*

- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

What do you call a sleeping T-Rex?

A Dinosnore!

What is Bill Cosby's favorite movie?

Sleeping Beauty.

A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand

The man yelled at the top of his lungs

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"

The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied

"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

My doctor has advised me to start running.

I'm not sick or anything. I've just been sleeping with his wife.

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.

I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.

Have you tried birth control?

I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!

Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?

I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!

Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?

I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!

Receiving a kiss while sleeping is the most pure form of love there is...

Unless you're in prison

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

A small joke I remembered

Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!

Employee: sorry boss

Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory

Employee: oh no

What did the alligator get after sleeping with a hooker

Gatoraids

I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice

I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, I am on the toilet. Please advise.

If you notice cows sleeping in a field...

does that mean it's pasture bedtime? :)

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

Β She wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. Her husband texted back: I'm on the toilet, please advise.

Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.

Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?

Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?""My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

A husband was sleeping next to his blind wife…

He woke up feeling his wife's hands touching all over his face. Annoyed he asked, What are you doing?

In a sweet voice she said, I just love watching you sleep.

I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What's that got to do with anything? I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It's pasture bedtime!

I told my daughter....

"Time for bed the cows are sleeping!"

She said "what's that supposed to mean"?

I said back " well it's pasture bedtime"

I'm soooo good at sleeping.

In fact I'm so good, I could do it with my eyes closed!

Some people have a lot of trouble sleeping.

Me? It's so easy I can do it with my eyes closed!

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

To not wake up the sleeping pills.

A boxer was having trouble sleeping.

He goes to the doctor.

Doctor asks "Have you tried counting sheep?

Boxer replies "I have but every time I get to the count of eight, I stand up.

Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets

Or as you probably call them - relatives sleeping in the spare room.

I have started sleeping in our fireplace.

Now I sleep like a log.

My wife watches Criminal Minds with no volume while I'm sleeping.

She calls it Criminal Mimes.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the sleeping sleeping on the floor jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working sleeping sleeping at work piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes