Sleeping Dog Jokes
59 sleeping dog jokes and hilarious sleeping dog puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sleeping dog that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Sleeping Dog Short Jokes
Short sleeping dog jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sleeping dog humour may include short sleeping cat jokes also.
- Why didn't the conspiracy theorist make his irreverently named pet sleep outside? Because 9/11 was an inside dog.
- People think I'm a pervert... People think I'm a pervert because I sleep with a 9 year old. But you have to remember, dog years are 7 times longer than ours.
- Some people say that you should let sleeping dogs lie... But I believe that all animals should tell the truth.
- Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your dog dance with you on it's hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it too.
- Did you hear about the dislectic, insomniac atheist? He couldn't sleep at night, wondering if there really is a dog.
- During rainy days, I and my lazy dog are competing who sleeps the deepest and the longest. I am the underdog in this fight.
- You know how some dogs turn around several times before lying down and going to sleep? They must be watch dogs. That's how they unwind.
- Depression... Me: Depression is the worst. I just want to sleep all day, I've been eating the same thing for every meal, life has lost its color—
My dog: oh my God, I have depression - What kind of dogs will patrol the Trump wall? Border Collies!
I just came up with this after not sleeping for 30+ hours. Sorry for the cheesy goodness. - It was funnier in my sleep... I told my dog a joke while throwing a ball. He didn't get it.
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Sleeping Dog One Liners
Which sleeping dog one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sleeping dog? I can suggest the ones about sleeping baby and dog sitting.
- What do you call a sleeping seeing-eye dog? An out-of-service dog
- What kind of tents do dogs sleep in? Pup tents!
- My wife got taken up in hospital.. But now I can sleep with my dog.
- Why don't dogs sleep in beds? Because they don't need to. They just ruff it.
- Where do young dogs sleep when they go camping? In a pup tent.
- Did you hear about the dog who had sleep apnea? He had to get a C-PUP machine.
Sleeping Dog Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about sleeping dog you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean barking dog jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sleeping dog pranks.
A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together.
God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again."
God said, "It is done!"
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died.
When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth.
She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard.
God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.
The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.
Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people.
God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven.
She explained that it was absolutely wonderful.
The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor’s office.
“Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
“Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever.
“Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to s**... the pill!
two dogs at the vet
A great dane and a poodle are in nearby kennels at a vet's office.
Poodle: "I get overly excited and pee on the floor when my owner comes home. His evil wife is having me put to sleep. What are you in for?"
Dane: "That's too bad. I got way too excited when my owner started doing Bikram yoga. I couldn't help it...I started h**... her like crazy."
Poodle: "So is she putting you down too?"
Dane: "Naw, I'm just getting my nails done."
"Dog Sitting"
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice. After having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the phone and place it alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise from the ringing will make the male dog lose his e**... and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Well, it just worked for me." he replied.
Dog sitting
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs."
"I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**... and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
Blowing chunks
At work, three friends get into an argument over who got more wasted the night before.
"I got so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks," said the first man.
"I got so drunk last night, I had to sleep outside because I couldn't make it inside my house," said the second man.
But the third man was certain he got more wasted than his friends. "I got so drunk, I set my entire house on fire!" he argued.
"I don't think you guys understand," said the first man. "My dog's name is chunks."
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
Dogs vs Girlfriends
If you ever want to see who is more loyal, your dog or your girlfriend, just take both of them in their sleep and put them in the trunk of your car. Drive around for a couple of hours, park, open the trunk, and see which one will be happy to see you.
Collection of dog Jokes
what do you call batman's dog? a Bat Terrier
What do you call sleeping puppies? Hush Puppies
what do you call a magic dog? A; a labra-cadabra-brador
what do you call count draculas dog? a blood hound
why is it called a litter of puppies? because theyll trash the place
Previously posted by me:what do you call a litter of puppies who've been out in the snow? Slush Puppies
What do you call a dog with no legs? it doesn't matter they're not coming
Whats the coolest dog? A pup-sicle
What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppy Dogs
Guy walks into a bar.. (long joke)
And asks for a drink. He notices a jar full of money and asks the bartender if he gets a lot of tips. Bartender explains that it's part of an ongoing bet. The man asks what he must do to win the money. The bartender states that the man must climb the oak tree behind the bar and grab a leaf from the very top, pull an abscessed tooth from a pit bull, and bang a 50 year old v**.... The man refuses.
After many drinks, the man finally accepts the bet. He climbs the tree with ease and brings the bartender a leaf. The man then stumbles to the back room where the dog is sleeping. After a lot of commotion, screaming, and yelping, the man returns. He says, "Now where's the lady with the abscessed tooth?"
Puppy Love
A man and his younger son are enjoying an afternoon in the park. Two dogs nearby are h**... away and the son curiously asks "Dad, what are they doing?"
The Dad thinks it's about time for these kind of questions so he calmly replies "Well son .. they are making puppies."
Later that night the son has trouble sleeping and wanders into his parents bedroom. He stops when he sees his parents are having s**.... The son cautiously asks "Uh, Dad... what are you doing to Mom?"
The Dad says "Well son.. we are making a baby."
The son ponders this for a moment and says "Well flip her over, I want a puppy!"
Three Dogs Are Sitting in the Vet's Waiting Room
The dogs ask each other what they're in for.
The first dog sadly says, "I just can't help myself when it comes to the mailman. I just get so angry when he walks up to the door that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."
The second dog says, "Oh no, that's terrible. I'm a barker myself. I know I'm not supposed to bark all night, but I just can't help myself. So I'm being put to sleep too."
The first two look at the third dog for his story.
"Well, my owner likes to do her housework in the n**...," he said. "Yesterday, she was vacuuming and bent over to get under the couch. I mean, I couldn't help myself; I hopped right on and had the ride of my life!"
The other two dogs looked at him compassionately. "So you're being put to sleep too?"
"What? No, she's having my nails clipped!"
A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.
Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."
Homeless and thirsty.
Two homeless guys were sitting around and wanting a drink. With only a couple bucks in between them they realized that was barely one beer. Hobo A takes the money and heads out. He comes back with a pack of hot dogs. Hobo B yells at him for bringing back food instead of beer. Hobo A says "Trust me. Just put one of the hot dogs in your pants." They walk into a bar and order a couple of rounds. when the bill came Hobo A unzips B's pants and starts s**... on the hot dog. The bartender yells for security to throw them out immediately. Without paying the tab they get thrown out and goes to the next bar. They repeat this for 5 bars. Once they got back to their sleeping area Hobo A says "See? I told you it was a great idea! Good and drunk for free!" Hobo B says "You have no idea. I lost the pack of hot dogs in the first bar!"
Never got so many ugly looks when I said I sleep in my socks
Socks doesn't mind, he's a good dog.
Some say to let sleeping dogs lie
But I say sleeping dogs should be held accountable for their actions
My grandpa decided to take the dog out for a walk.
He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.
As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I don't know where he went."
I said, "You forgot to take him with you, he's sleeping on the sofa."
A blonde and her husband
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor's dog starts barking and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!'
She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?'
The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor's dog barking all night.'
I got bit by my dog last night so I had to dog-proof my bedroom.
My wife no longer sleeps with me.
An animal lover talks to a turk
He asks the turk:"May I talk to your horse?"
"Horse not talk", he replies.
The animal lover asks the horse : "Hello horse how are you doing do you have enough food?"
"I'm doing fine and there is more than enough food too."
The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your dog?"
"Dog not talk", he replies.
The animal lover now next to the dog asks him: "Hello Dog are you alright?'
"I can't complain, I have a warm place to sleep" he replies
The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your goat?"
The turk slowly realising the ability the animal lover has answers:"Goat lies"
3 guys walk into a bar...
Guy 1: Oh boy, I'm not drinking with you fellas. Last time I drank with you I got in trouble with the wife. Her parents were home for the night and when I got home I blew chunks in the living room in front of them.
Guy 2: That's nothing! When I got home my wife's mother was over and instead of sleeping with me wife I slept with her mother!
Guy 3: Well when I last drunk with you fellas I got home, My wife was with her friend who was getting married and I spewed all over the dress.
Guy 1: Fellas you don't understand... Chunks is my dog.
Don't take your dog to the vet, they'll kill your dog unless you know the lingo.
I brought him in to cure his insomnia, but apparently "put him to sleep" means something different to vets...
The Dog Pound
Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her t**.... Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master' shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
Another of my favorite childhood jokes: taking the dog to the vet
A woman became concerned about her dog after he started showing little interest in things he used to love. She also noticed him spending most of the day sleeping and lagging behind on walks, so she decided to take him to the vet.
The vet picked up the dog and checked him all over, intensely studying the dog's condition. After a couple minutes, the vet said, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The woman teared up at the thought of losing her best friend and asked why.
The vet said, "Because my arms are getting tired."
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can resist complaints and excessively loud people,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
If you can do all of these things, then you are probably a dog
A man visits a a lovely old couple for dinner.
The man sits down after the table has been set. The man looks down and says, "these dishes are still dirty!" The husband says, "they are as clean as creek water gets 'em!"
The man then goes to the restroom and sees the disgusting toilet bowl, he comes back saying, "do you ever clean around here?" The husband again says, "that's as clean as creek water gets 'em."
Finally the man decides to head to bed and goes into the guest bedroom to find a dog laying on the bed. He comes out yelling, "I am not sleeping with a dog!" The husband looks over and shrugs, "that's just ol' creek water, he never hurt no one."
I went to the vet and put my elderly dog to sleep today in my pajamas...
Strangely, the vet didn't find dressing up a dog in pajamas as funny as I did
My wife got me a chocolate brown labrador. But sadly, we had to put the dog to sleep
I had asked for a black labrador
I live in constant fear
I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.
Recently found out my wife is sleeping with our best friend when I'm out of town.
Every other month I get home from a trip, the sheets are miraculously just cleaned every single time. Hardly coincidental.
She thinks I don't notice the dog hair on the comforter, she never thought to wash that.
My dog is in diapers because she's in heat, so I took her picture while she was sleeping and printed it onto my N95 mask.
Now I have a resting b**... face mask
I have a stalker.
A family member who's moved into our house this year. He follows me into my bedroom and the bathroom. He always sneaks into my bed or under it when I'm half asleep. And worse, he gets so close to me when I'm trying to eat, watching me take every bite. Worse, he has a terrifying habit of l**... my things, and in my sleep, my skin. It freaks me out how little space and privacy I have when in my own home under the fear that he's always watching me.
I knew I should've gotten a cat instead of a dog...
My wife and I were laying in bed watching a contortionist perform on a talent show.
As the lady went through her routine, I suggested to my wife that she should try becoming a contortionist. Without hesitation, she shouted "NO!"
I asked her to reconsider, suggesting ideas as they entered my creative mind. She immediately began yelling at me, calling me a pig, a dog, and even threatened to sleep on the couch.
I said "Hey...I thought you said you weren't going to get all bent out of shape."
Dog Joke
A husband and wife are having a hard time sleeping, given the fact their neighbor's dog is barking in the backyard all night long. Eventually, the wife tells her husband to go next door and get the dog to stop. The husband obeys and comes back a few minutes later.
"Okay, honey, that should solve the problem," he says as he goes back to bed.
"But the dog is still barking!" the wife complains. "What did you do?"
"I put their dog in our backyard. Now let's see how the neighbors like it!"
A guy is asked by his friend: What would you do if your wife cheats on you?
He answers I'd throw his dog through the window and break the stick
Friend: what stick? What dog?
To what the guy replies: If someone sleeps with my wife he must be blind!
Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...