Sleeping Baby Jokes

73 sleeping baby jokes and hilarious sleeping baby puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sleeping baby that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Sleeping Baby Short Jokes

Short sleeping baby jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sleeping baby humour may include short crying baby jokes also.

  1. Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.
  2. How do you put a baby to sleep? You rock them.
    What if it doesn't work?
    Use a bigger rock.
  3. "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Papa Bear. "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Mama Bear.
    "Please stop fighting," sobbed Baby Bear. "It's Christmas."
  4. Last night I really did sleep like a baby I accidentally fell asleep and 9pm and woke up 4 hours later screaming.
  5. People say that having a baby makes you exhausted. But I usually get eight solid hours of sleep every month.
  6. Tonight I'm going to sleep like a baby!!! Wake up repeatedly and have to cry myself back to sleep.
  7. Not your usual goat joke I walked past a baby goat sleeping. I was later arrested for kidnapping, has nothing to do with the kid napping, they just found my basement
  8. Joke my four year old just came up with. How do you put a baby bunny to sleep in a cradle? A mushroom!
    Hey may not be the funniest, but at least it's original!
  9. The Wife wants to have a baby but the Husband tries to discourage her. H: A baby sleeps and it poops and it cries when it's hungry.
    W: You two should get along famously.
  10. Worrying about money kept me up at night. My mom told me to put my money in my mattress because you can't trust banks. So I bought a $100k mattress and now I sleep like a baby.

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Sleeping Baby One Liners

Which sleeping baby one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sleeping baby? I can suggest the ones about sleeping dog and sleeping cat.

  1. I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.
  2. I slept like a baby last night 2 hours of sleep and a whole lot of crying
  3. What does a baby frog sleep in? A cribbet. (My 6 yr old told me that one)
  4. I only sleep with democrats. That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.
  5. How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket
  6. Where will baby Kal-El be sleeping? In his crib-tonight.
  7. How do you put a baby alien to sleep? You rocket
  8. I slept like a baby I cried myself to sleep and woke up in my own filth
  9. I slept like a baby last night. I pooped my pants and cried myself to sleep.
  10. Baby I am an Animal in Bed More Specifically A Koala,I can sleep 22 hrs a day.
  11. Where do baby apes sleep? Apricots.
  12. How do you get an Alien Baby to sleep? You rocket.
  13. Last night I took a sleeping pill and a laxative before bed.. I slept like a baby
  14. I always sleep like a baby. I wake up screaming every two hours, being soaked wet...
  15. Q: Where do baby apes sleep
    A: In apricots

Sleeping Baby Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about sleeping baby you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean baby sitting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sleeping baby pranks.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days.
The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.
The frightened investor was amazed!
"Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
"Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.
After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"
The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies.
"And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning."
So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.
That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.
"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?"
"Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Little Mary

Little Mary never did very well in church. She would always fall asleep when the priest was speaking. One day, while Mary was happily sleeping, the Priest said "Mary, who created the Earth as we know it"? The little boy behind Mary got bored, took out a pin, and poked Mary with it in the back. Mary jolted awake and screamed "Oh good Lord"! "Good job"! said the priest. A little later, the Priest asked sleeping Mary "Mary, who was born on December 25th and is celebrated for Christmas?". The little boy stuck the pin in her back again and Mary screamed "Oh Jesus Christ!". "Good job!" said the priest. After Mary yet again fell asleep, the priest asked "Mary, after having their 23rd baby, what did Eve say to Adam?". The boy stuck the pin in Mary's back and she screamed "If you stick that thing into me one more time, I will rip it in half!".

Did you hear about the kid who was afraid of monsters under the bed?

The kid's parents taught him to call under the bed every night and ask "Are there any monsters down there?". If you don't hear an answer, then you can go to sleep and know that it is safe.
Well, One night his parents went out and he was stuck with a s**... baby sitter. She completely ignored him. So he made cereal for dinner and played video games on the TV till it got late and he was tired.
He went to his room and found his baby sitter just sitting there. She left his room, and he went to bed. He sat puzzled for a moment, because the baby sitter's hair was a mess, and she had a blank look on her face like something had happened. So, he called under the bed and asked, "Are there any monsters down there?"
After a few seconds, a voice answered back "No".
The kid died of fright.

A baby balloon is put to bed by his balloon Mum and Dad....

Baby balloon can't sleep so he sneaks into his parents bedroom and as a prank he lets a little bit of air out of both of them. Fearing they will suspect him he lets a little air out of himself and goes to sleep. The next morning his parents come straight into his room. Daddy balloon says "now listen here son, you've let me down, you've let your mother down and worst of all you've let yourself down. I'm telling you now, if you do it again I'll burst ye!"


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

A woman, her 7 years old and a Taxi driver.

A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.
The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?."
His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work."
The Taxi driver turned around and said; "Why don't you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money."
The Boy's eyes got wide and asked; "Mummy is that true?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; "Yes.!!"
After a few minutes, the boy asked; "Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?."
She replied; "Most of them become Taxi drivers.

A young nun at a convent

A young nun at a convent had one too many s**... indiscretions, and turned up pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know what she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"

A man and his baby ape

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.
"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."


Molly and Charlie were at Sunday school at their local church, and Molly, being tired, began to fall asleep. The Sunday school teacher then proceeded to ask:
''Who came down from heaven to save our souls?''
Charlie sticks a pin in Molly's arm as she wakes up with a start:
''Jesus christ!''
''Well done Molly, thats correct''
Molly then goes back to sleep. The teacher asks her another question:
''Who lives up in heaven and created the earth?''
Charlie again sticks the pin in her arm as she again wakes up:
''God almighty!''
''Correct again Molly''
Molly then goes to sleep for a third time, as the teacher asks her another question:
''What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd baby?''
Charlie again sticks the pin in her arm as Molly wakes up and shouts:
''If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll snap it in two!''

A farmer, a sheep, a pig, and a wife

A farmer walks into his house with a baby sheep tucked under his arm, looks at his wife, and says "honey, this is the pig I have to sleep with when you're not around."
The confused wife looks at the farmer and says "honey, that's not a pig, it's a sheep", to which the farmer responds, "honey, I wasn't talking to you."

Puppy Love

A man and his younger son are enjoying an afternoon in the park. Two dogs nearby are h**... away and the son curiously asks "Dad, what are they doing?"
The Dad thinks it's about time for these kind of questions so he calmly replies "Well son .. they are making puppies."
Later that night the son has trouble sleeping and wanders into his parents bedroom. He stops when he sees his parents are having s**.... The son cautiously asks "Uh, Dad... what are you doing to Mom?"
The Dad says "Well son.. we are making a baby."
The son ponders this for a moment and says "Well flip her over, I want a puppy!"

Cop pulls over a car at a DUI check point...

...notices a strong odor of alcohol and makes the driver blow into a breathalyzer, gets double the limit. The driver says this is a mistake and that his device must be broken and tells him to check his wife. The wife blows double the limit. The driver says his device is definitely broken and he should check the sleeping baby in the back. The cop checks the baby and gets triple the limit. Convinced that his device is malfunctioning, he let's the car go.
"I told you a couple of shots won't hurt him" says the driver to the wife.

A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.

Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."

Baby Balloon

One night Dad balloon says to baby "don't come into our bed in the middle of the night". However one day Baby balloon creeps in and goes between Mum and Dad balloon. He thinks "hmm there isn't much room here" so he lets a bit of air out Mum balloon. He thinks "still not enough room" so he lets a bit of air out Dad balloon. "He thinks "it's still a bit tight" so he lets a bit of air out himself. "He thinks that's better" and goes to sleep. The next morning Mum and Dad balloon are very angry. Dad balloon says" you've let ME down you've let your MUM down, but most of all you've let YOURSELF down."

When does Ronald McDonald's baby sleep?

The McCrib

I'm told I sleep like a baby.

... I wake up crying every few hours

Silly Grandad

Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its called i**... and thats how you make babys." ten minutes later John returns "Freds mum said its called bunkbeds, and she needs a word with you"

I sleep like a baby at night,

rarely and with short bursts of crying and p**..., sometimes both

How do you gently wake up a sleeping baby?

Don't preheat the oven when you bake it.

Hey baby, do you wanna sleep with a statistic?

I'm one in a million. ;D

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own u**....

I still call my wife baby.

If she's not sleeping, she's screaming and I don't understand why.

We've been married for years and I still call my wife my baby.

That's because if she's not sleeping, she's screaming and I don't understand why.

I often sleep like a baby

that is, not very much with various fits of crying and p**....

I don't like the new guy my neighbor has

He's awful if you ask me. Looks alone. Kinda short and barely any hair. Then he's lying in bed all day, and if he's not sleeping he's screaming at her. Also hitting the bottle quite heavily and probably didn't work a single day in his whole life.
I really can't figure out what people see in babies.

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her n**... in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

Baby teeth

\- Hey neighbour what is going on, why is your husband screaming like that?!!
\- Nothing to worry neighbour, his teeth are coming out!
\- Wait what? Isn't he like 60 years old?!
\- Yeah, that's true but last night, during his sleep, he swallowed his dentures ...

A man's wife died after 20 years of marriage

His best friend comes check on him 2 days after the f**...:
- I brought you some lasagnas as I am sure you did not cook this week. I hope you can at least get some sleep... Do you sleep well?
- yeah, I sleep like a baby.
His friend is astounded:
- really?
- yes literally, I sleep one hour then cry one hour, then sleep one hour then cry one hour...

My sister has this new guy

Totally bald, sleeps all day, if he's not sleeping he screams at her, she gotta cook his food, he doesn't work, doesn't clean (actually, he mostly just causes a huge mess), doesn't do anything, but she really loves him.
I have no idea what makes people love babies.


One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it a**..., with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband."A penny for your thoughts," she said."It's amazing! " he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $146.50. "