Sleeping At Work Jokes
103 sleeping at work jokes and hilarious sleeping at work puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sleeping at work that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Sleeping At Work Short Jokes
Short sleeping at work jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sleeping at work humour may include short drinking at work jokes also.
- I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
- Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work - I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working... I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.
- Lions sleep 18 hrs a day.. If hard work is the secret to success , then donkeys would have been the kings of jungle!
- My boss noticed I have been working long hours and asked if I was sleeping in the office. Of course! It's the quietest room in my house.
- How do you put a baby to sleep? You rock them.
What if it doesn't work?
Use a bigger rock. - Told at work A coworker commented that eating rice helps her sleep. I quipped, "And then you Rice and Shine?" She laughed.
- My dad would put us to sleep by throwing us up into the air This method only works if you have low ceilings
- I took some days off from work to break my personal sleep record. Unfortunately my family has not been supportive of my "dreams".
- I fail everyday to reach for work on time in the morning. I end up sleeping right through the buzzing clock. What an alarming situation.
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Sleeping At Work One Liners
Which sleeping at work one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sleeping at work? I can suggest the ones about sleeping late and sleeping early.
- My wife says I talk in my sleep I don't believe it. No one at work ever mentioned it
- Why did the spy sleep in? He was working undercover.
- I started using sleeping pills yesterday Rest assured they worked
- I think I'm getting too much sleep I get 8 hours in the evening...
and 4 hours at work - What happens if you go to sleep at 9pm and wake at 5am You have been working 9 to 5
- My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
- I found an alternative to time travel but it doesn't work retroactively Sleeping pills.
- When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?
- Just gonna have a quick nap because I heard you can sleep your way to the top.
- A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
- Wanna save time on sleep ? Work overnight jobs.
- The opposite of work out Sleep in
- Just a one-liner... Boss: "What are you working on?"
Me: "Two hours sleep."
The Funniest Sleeping At Work Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about sleeping at work you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean working from home jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sleeping at work pranks.
A guy embezzled money from his company and was about to jump off a bridge, when an old hag appeared and told him she was a witch, and would put the money back if he would sleep with her. He did, and was ready to go back to work, believing his problems were solved, when the old hag who was in bed smoking a cigarette asked him, “Sonny, aren’t you too old to believe in witches?”
If an accountant's spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure? Ask the accountant to talk about their work.
Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven.
One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."
A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"
Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
Steve Rogers in Captain America: The First Avenger is a college student.
1. A friendly man gets him to do drugs.
2. He has to work real hard to get his friend out of trouble.
3. He takes a stand against people with different ideology.
4. He doesn't get the girl.
And,
5. When he finally goes to sleep, he doesn't wake up for 70 years.
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head.......
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an deserted island."
He continued, "after several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes."
"My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her."
To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you."
"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days."
The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man...and what is your final wish?"
"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you."
The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work."
Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
A Doctor goes to a psychologist....
And tells him he is feeling very guilty about sleeping with one of his patients. He is having a hard time going back to work because he thinks all of his co workers know. The psychologist said there's nothing to be ashamed of because humans can't always control urges and even he has slept with a patient.
After a few sessions the Doctor finally feels relieved about his incident. The psychologist asked what field of medicine the doctor practiced.
"Oh I'm a veterinarian", said the Doctor.
An American, a Frenchman and an East German (this joke takes place in 1982)
are having a few drinks and discussing what true happiness is.
The American says "For me, true happiness is to work hard all day at a job I love, and then to come home and share dinner with my family."
The Frenchman says "Oh, you Americans, you're obsessed with work. To me true happiness is a deep discussion with my mistress, after which we make passionate love."
The East German shakes his head and says "Imagine it is 3 in the morning. You are sleeping soundly at home and are awakened by someone pounding on the door. You go and answer that, and two agents of the Stasi burst in. One says, 'Herr Mueller, you are under arrest for counterrevolutionary activities!' And although your voice quakes, you manage to say 'Comrades, Herr Mueller lives across the hall.' That, my friends, is true happiness."
The half-wit
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the seven dwarves say...
when they found Snow White sleeping in their bed?
Hi h**..., hi h**..., it's off to work we go.
I was staying in an Hotel
Last night I was staying in an hotel, trying to get some sleep after a long day of travel, meetings, and work.
I kept getting woken up by a woman screaming at me and beating on the door of the room.
She just wouldn't stop, I tried to ignore her as best I could but I finally came to accept the fact, after a few hours, if I wanted to get any sleep, I would have to let her out.
Blonde on a plane.
(First submission, Hope people like it)
A very attractive blonde boards a plane for a long flight and settles in. As she is leaning against the window trying to get some rest a business man takes the seat next to her. "Hi I'm Frank" he says. "Oh hi" says the blonde before she tries to settle back in. "Wait a second now" says the guy "this is a long flight why don't we play a game. Tell you what, I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer you have to give me $5. Then you can ask me a question and if I don't know the answer you get $500." "Ok fine" says the Blonde. "Alright! What is the Capital of Malta?" Admittedly the Blonde didn't know she she hands the guy $5. "See!" he says "It's a fun game! now you ask me one." "Alright... What goes up a hill on three legs, and comes down the hill on five?" Now the business guy is genuinely stumped. He pulls out his laptop and goes to work. As he does the blonde goes back to sleep. About an hour later the guy taps her on the shoulder "Alright... I have been every where on the internet, I tried everything and I can't figure it out. Here." and he gives the Blonde $500 "Thanks" she says and rolls back over to go to sleep "Wait! You can't just go to sleep! I want to know! What goes up a hill on three legs on down the hill on five?!" The blonde just smiled at him and handed him $5.
Sleeping with POTUS
The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
Three Rats wanted to Spend the Night in the Bathroom...
...they were discussing where they were going to sleep. The first rat says: "I think I'll sleep in the bathtub. It's nice and roomy and seems to be well protected." The second rat decides to sleep in the sink: "This is a smaller version of the bathtub, and will work just as well for me." The third rat decides he's going to sleep in the toilet: "This area seems to come with it's own water supply and is much better protected than any of the other sleeping spots."
The next morning the rats wake up and ask each other how they slept. The first rat says he slept fine, quite well rested. The second rat says he slept very well too, although a bit of water dripped on his head. The third rat is dark eyed and haggard, not to mention soaked through to the bone. "You fellas aren't going to believe my night. I was sleeping fine with my toes dangling in the cool water and it started raining! Then it got dark and started thundering, if it weren't for that log I would have drowned!"
(Kind of juvenile, I know, my grandmother told me this when I was about 8. Funniest thing I'd ever heard and never forgot it. Just wanted to share.)
"What do I look like?"
A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife.
"Honey, my car got a flat, can you fix it for me?"
"What do I look like", He asks "The michelin tire guy? Get me a beer." And goes and watches TV/
The next day his wife greets him again after work.
"Honey, the dishwasher is on the fritz. Can you take a look at it?" She asks.
"What do I look like? The Maytag repair guy?" He asks roughly. "Get me a beer." And goes to watch TV.
The third day the man comes home and his wife greets him.
"Honey, it's the greatest thing. John from next door came over and fixed the dishwasher AND my flat tire. All I had to do was bake him a cake or sleep with him." She tells him.
"Oh, what kind of cake did you bake?" The husband asks.
The wife replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.
The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to the bathroom. He fills a bucket with water, which he throws onto the wastepaper basket. Relieved that the fire is out, he goes back to bed.
The physicist wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire. He then goes to the bathroom and fills a bucket with the precise amount of water he needs (accounting for measurement error), and proceeds to put out the fire. He then goes back to bed.
The mathematician wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire.
"Aha! A solution exists!" And he goes back to bed.
*Alternate ending*
Later that night the hotel's electrical system fails again, causing sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the bed sheets. The mathematician wakes up, considers the fire, and then takes the still-burning sheets and puts them in the wastepaper basket.
"Aha! I've reduced the problem to a previously-solved form!" And he goes back to bed.
When I worked as Tech Support for an ISP I had a woman call outraged that we allowed "filth" on her computer...
After she calmed down slightly she explained that her 10 year old Granddaughter was sleeping over and they were having a "Spa Night" and did a web search on "Facials". . . .I was able to hit the mute button in time to avoid making matters far worse... True Story!
A series of cow jokes
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!
1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – OIL AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE OIL. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.
Some Tim Vine jokes...
"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums."
"People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them."
"So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do."
"I refuse to work in the subway. Its beneath me."
"I met this girl called Ena. Everytime I see her I say Hi Ena and she laughs her head off."
"I cant remember my homing pigeon's name but am sure it will come back to me."
"Did you know the best selling DVD this year is Poltergeist? Its flying off the shelves."
"So i was reading this book about the history of glue.... I couldn't put it down."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer...
p**... McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked p**....
"Well," said p**..., "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said p**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.
Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg r**... and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
What do you call a pile of cats?
A MEOWTAIN.
Told this one at work after two weeks straight of 12+ hours days and laughed so hard I got sent home for the rest of the day to get sleep. To this day, every time I tell it I start giggling uncontrollably... Yep.
Can't Sleep
Whenever my son can't sleep I tell him to count backwards from 100 to 0. He usually gets to about 80 before I pass out and can't hear anymore. Works every time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It is Bob's anniversary
It's Bob's 15th anniversary and he forgot. When he came home from work he didn't notice his wife was all made up with make up and a pretty dress. Bob asked his wife what was for dinner but she kept hinting that they should have a date night but Bob getting from work was tired so he made a sandwich and then took a nap. When Bob woke up, his wife was standing over him with a furious look on her face before she screamed "YOU FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY" Bob realized he just s**... up in a major way, but before he could make amends his wife kicked him while shouting " IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP IN THIS AGAIN THERE HAD BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 TO 200 IN LESS THAN 3 SECONDS". When Bob's wife woke up in the morning there was a small box in the driveway. She opened the box and in side she found : a bathroom scale.
Bob Has Been Missing since monday
A man goes the doctor claiming to be constantly tired during the day.
The doctor says to him "Play the song "Losing my Religion" on repeat in your bedroom, while you sleep."
The man obviously thinks that it is a ridiculous treatment, but obliges the doctor nonetheless.
The next day the man bursts into his doctor's office and yells: "I feel fantastic!! How the did that actually work?!"
The doctor replies: "You weren't getting enough REM sleep."
He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good...
Does Santa work for the NSA?
I didn't sleep very good last night...
So I put some Monster energy drink in my coffee this morning. I got halfway to work before before I realised I forgot my car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How much of s**... is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
Why did the black guy go to sleep after a long day at work?
Because he was slavin' away all day.
A dad puts his little girl to sleep...
And the girl says, "Goodbye Grandpa" and the dad asks why she said grandpa, the girl replied, "I don't know it just felt right".
The next day the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence.
The dad puts the girl to sleep and a few months later she says, "Goodbye Grandma" and the dad went along with it.
The next day the grandma died and the dad thought that she knew who would die next!
Several weeks later, the dad puts his girl to sleep and the girl says, "Goodbye Daddy" and the dad freaked out when he left the room.
He stayed at the office until midnight jumping at every sound he heard. When he came to his house at 1am and crawls into the bed, his wife says
Wife :: Why were you at work so late?
Husband :: I had a terrible day..
Wife :: What happened?
Husband :: I don't want to talk about it.
Wife :: Well, you won't believe the day I had! My golf pro died right in front of me during golf lessons!
Edit : Formatting
The Half-Wit
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...
So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself "we have to cut the electricity off!" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams "we need more data!!" And he sets the curtains on fire.
Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.
Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.
"What do you want?" he asks.
His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a c**... factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
I made the best on the spot Dad joke today
I was talking with a customer today, and she was telling me that she was on her way to work. She said she was a live in residential manager or something, but basically she takes care of an old guy. She was telling me she works third shift hours, so she gets paid to sleep.
That's when I told her she's literally got her dream job. *ba dun tss*
It used to take five scotches and a sleeping pill to get me on a plane.
Worked for me, not the Air Force.
A government worker complains...
- With my new team leader, it's impossible to sleep at work.
- Why? Does he watch you?
- No, he snores.
(I thought it was at least good for a chuckle...)
I have recently become a new man
I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.
I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins...
All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."
Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore...
Wife: why?
Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.
Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.
Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.
My grandfather told me this one.
A public worker goes to the doctor.
W- I've been feeling really tired lately and I always feel sleepy.
D- Well when did it begin?
W- It begun when they changed my work time...
D- How many hours do you work per week?
W- 35h
D- And how many hours did you work before?
W- 40h
D- See? Its those 5 hours of sleep that you have been missing!
Which people can sleep on work and still claim that they are doing their job
Scientists doing research on dreams
A man writing in his diary:
I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.
The people who work in my office are so loud.
Its like keep it down already, for christ sake I'm trying to sleep!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did I do wrong?
My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year. I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work. I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch. That's the thanks I get for giving her dad a h**....
How much do you get paid?
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?
The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.
I showed up to work a few hours late
My boss asked me what happened.
I told him the past few days my alarm clock woke me up in the middle of my sleep so I shut it off.
Someone gave me a white noise machine to help me sleep. It didn't work.
Then again, its hard to sleep with Vanilla Ice playing in the background
The Biggest Coward
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.
The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."
The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."
Whenever I work out, I always end up being unable to sleep..
Maybe I should stop always trying to multitask.
While my wife was at work I had to take our parrot to the vet to put him to sleep.
His last words were Your wife's not home is she? Have you been a bad boy?
After arriving home from Bring Your Kid to Work day
My son turned to me and said, you have the most boring job ever. All you do is put people to sleep all day ...I'm an anesthesiologist
Successful people only sleep on bare mattresses...
...because after all that hard work you don't want to sheet the bed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Retirement Home
An old lady was found dead on her bed . The nurses found a list of names in her hands. The sweet old lady wrote down all the names of the men she slept with at the retirement home. She slept with everyone except o**.... The nurses then asked the old man why he did not sleep with the old lady and he said" we have a strict working relationship and i only collect the money"
A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.
They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"
Captain Blackbeard's new recruits
Three men are new recruits on captain Blackbeard's ship. They each get to ask 1 question before they start work. The first two ask about sleeping arrangements and food, only to have captain Blackbeard yell back at them out of frustration. The third man asks "Why is the steering wheel attached to your pants?"
"Argh, it drives me nuts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a man named billy, billy worked at a pickle factory. One day billy comes home to his wife and says...
... honey I want to put my pp in the pickle slicer, his wife tells him that's absurd and not to do it and then went to sleep. Billy goes to work the next day and comes home and tells his wife honey I put my pp in the pickle slicer! His wife yelled what happened?! Was it b**...? Did it hurt?! The man tells his wife no, but I got fired and so did she.
A man and his wife are looking for a job
The man, unable to find any employment in his field, decides to apply for anything he can find in the hopes of earning enough to feed his family.
A few days later, he comes home overjoyed. His wife enquires, and he happily said he found a job as a stuntman in a circus! The pay is good, he has great insurance and he begins tomorrow to practice what will be his main act, the human cannonball. They both go to sleep happy, and the next morning the man leaves for work.
Hours pass, and the man comes back home, with a very sad look on his face. His wife enquires, and he explains..
"I went to work, I got into the cannon to be shot but right after that, they fired me!"
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.
She smugly added "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep.
