Sleep Jokes
134 sleep jokes and hilarious sleep puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sleep that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Whether you're looking to joke around with friends or simply trying to amuse yourself, this article has tons of sleep jokes sure to bring a smile. From dozing off during a meeting to being asleep on the wrong side of the bed, these sleep jokes are guaranteed to make you chuckle. Enjoy a good laugh about sleeping and being sleepy!
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Funniest Sleep Short Jokes
Short sleep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sleep humour may include short rest jokes also.
- Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.
- Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
- I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
- My girl keeps having disturbed dream, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!". Always Tolkien in her sleep...
- My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?" I said "Yes, I'm ready."
He said "I'm sleeping with your wife." - My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the lord of the rings trilogy. She's Tolkien in her sleep.
- My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
- Its funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.
- I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What's that got to do with anything? I chuckled, "Well, that means..." "It's pasture bedtime!
- Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
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Sleep One Liners
Which sleep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sleep? I can suggest the ones about wake and dream.
- Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side... Only three more sleeps till Christmas
- The urge to sing The lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away Aweem away
- Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked.
- Where does a spy sleep? Under covers.
- What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? Roman Catholic.
- What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job? A Dream Team.
- Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need: just five more minutes
- Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.
- My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography... But it put her to sleep.
- Some people have difficulties sleeping... but I can do it with my eyes closed.
- It's so rude when someone's phone goes off in class. Some of us are trying to sleep.
- I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep. Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.
- There's something crazy I really want to try in bed.. Getting 8 hours of sleep
- Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Ok. Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.
- What is Bill Cosby's favorite movie? Sleeping Beauty.
Beauty Sleep Jokes
Here is a list of funny beauty sleep jokes and even better beauty sleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Whats Bill Cosby's favorite Disney character? Sleeping beauty
- Being kissed while sleeping is the most beautiful expression of love. Unless you're in jail.
- What's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney movie? Sleeping Beauty
- "You're so funny, kind, and beautiful." "Oh come on, you're just saying that so I will sleep with you." "And you're smart too!"
- Who's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney princess? Sleeping Beauty
- What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture... What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?
Aurora boring Alice. - What's the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night? Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is...
when your teddy bear hugs you BACK. - Why did Sleeping Beauty go to jail? She was under a rest
- Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love's sweet ki-- Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
- Your momma is so ugly when she gets her beauty sleep she falls into a coma!
Knock Knock Sleep Jokes
Here is a list of funny knock knock sleep jokes and even better knock knock sleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I remember once before a big school exam, I wanted to get a good night's rest, so I asked my Mom if I could borrow some of her sleeping pills. She said "Sure! Knock yourself out!"
Sleep Deprivation Jokes
Here is a list of funny sleep deprivation jokes and even better sleep deprivation puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's a way to tell that someone is sleep deprived? Sorry I thought this was AskReddit
- How do ghosts become friends? They bond over boos.
I made this up while sleep-deprived last night. I am sorry. - Why are huskies always drunk? Because _whine_ runs in their blood!
You can thank my 2 AM sleep-deprived brain for this :P - I wish I lasted longer in bed Right now I'm feeling so sleep deprived
- Everything get's funnier when you're sleep deprived. The laughing creeps out the kidnappers though.
- Why was the delinquent astronaut sleep deprived all the way to Mars? He was waiting for night to go to sleep.
- What does a sleep-deprived person eat for breakfast? Coma-toast!
- The letters in "Pirated Envelopes" Apparently the letters in "Pirated Envelopes" can be rearranged into "Sleep deprivation"!
It only took me all night to figure out - Apparently, letters in "sleep deprivation" can me rearranged into "sleep deprivation"
- Sleep-deprived women are much more attractive in my eyes. They put up less of a chase.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Sleep Jokes
What funny jokes about sleep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean idle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sleep pranks.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a c**... if I ever had s**....
He said, Any person willing to have s**... with you will sleep with almost anyone else.
There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..
One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my b**... on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.
Little Johnny Has A Question
A boy comes home from school one day looking for his father. He has an assignment that he needs a little help with. He finds his father and tells him that he has to write a paper explaining the difference between potentially and actually.
His father says to him "That's an easy one", "Go upstairs and find your sister; ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000."
So the boy does as he is told. When he comes back down he tells his father what he learned. "She said yes, dad." "So," said his dad "Find your mother, now, and ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000 as well."
The boy does as he is asked, and then returns to his father again.
"She said yes too, dad." "Well, there you go." said the dad.
The boy looked at his father, puzzled.
He smiled, "Potentially we're sitting on a gold mine; but, actually I live with a couple of w**...!"
I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years.
Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.
Every year we spend more on coffee than we do on educating our children
how do we sleep at night?
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
I spilled coffee all over my Macbook...
...now it won't go to sleep.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me.
It's like being a teenager again.
Girls say I'm an animal in bed.
More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
"Did you sleep well?"
"Like God during the Holocaust."
Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.
s**... BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Three guys go on a ski trip...
...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best h**... of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"
Stewardess
Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.
Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.
Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.
"What do you want?" he asks.
His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"
A r**...'s father passed away in his sleep
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
It's crazy how everyone sleeps differently.
I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.
A king gets murdered in his sleep...
Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."
A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.
He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."
Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?
It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.
A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
A dead lawyer
lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven.
He asks St Peter "Why am I here? I was healthy, and so young!"
St Peter replies "Young? You were 103 years old!"
The lawyer says "What? No! I was 36!!"
St Peter looks at his ledger and then says "Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed."
A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And p**...! She was a smartphone!
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
I sleep better n**...
Why can't this flight attendant understand that?
When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Fidel Castro ...
... not screaming in t**..., like his victims.
My girlfriends parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise b**....
Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.
Some mornings I wake up b**......
Other mornings I let her sleep.
The first time I asked a woman to sleep with me my hands were shaking and I was sweating uncontrollably
I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before
A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.
I don't know how these people can sleep at night.
When I was young my dad really emphasized how important it would be to use a c**... if I ever had s**... with a girl.
I asked him why.
"Because, son," he said, "any girl that would sleep with you would sleep with anyone."
My girlfriend's parents are very religious
The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame because he is very attractive.
Premarital s**...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.
Best son ever
5 year old son after reading a story of a king
Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing
Mom : which one will put you to sleep?
Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son
Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son : let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son
I think it's interesting how people sleep differently
I usually sleep on my back, my brother sleeps on his stomach, and my ex sleeps with half of this town
Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.
But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.
My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.
Which sister? is not the correct answer.
She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...
Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning
I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...
All I have to do is express a desire to have s**... with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.
Good choice.
Me: To make a woman laugh is the second best method to get her to sleep with you.
Her: And what is the best method?
Me: Chloroform.
Her: You are funny!
Me: Good choice.
Nothing like being awoken by a surprise BJ
I should sleep with my mouth closed
I like to sleep with a fan on me at night.
It's why I'm divorcing my wife to join a band
My buddy asked me if he could c**... on my couch tonight
I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep
Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:
- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
The woman giggles.
- Of course I would!
- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?
The woman looks disgusted.
- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?
- That's already been established. Now we're just haggling about the price.
Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased
I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own u**....
Happy father's day!
5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.
Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !
Happy Father's day!
Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed
I was really angry because he is actually really handsome
Husband says to wife: Babe, do I please you in bed?
Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Husband: What trick?
Wife: The one where you s**... and go to sleep.
A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.
Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have s**... with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two w**... in this house.
I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"
Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".
I couldn't sleep last night..
.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.
Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.
So nice of her to save me the gas money.
Two girls from Thailand asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said that it would be like winning the Lottery.
To my horror they were right, we had six matching b**....
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to sleep with us in bed. I finally gave in.
After 20 minutes, the goldfish finally settled down.
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father
Dad explained the difference between theory and reality.
Dad told me to ask mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for one million dollars. Mom said she would. Dad then told me to ask my sister if she would sleep with the neighbor for one million dollars. Sis said she would. Dad said right. In theory, we are sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we are living with two w**....
My wife said, "Did I ever tell you how great it feels when we make love?"
I said, "Gee, honey. No."
And she said, "Exactly. Now let's just go to sleep, OK?"
Last night I dreamed I was the author of The Lord of the Rings.
I've been Tolkien in my sleep.
My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.
**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum
**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend
My colleagues call me The Computer .
Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
