sleep Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious sleep stories

What are the best Sleep puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Sleep? Well here is a complete list of Sleep to have fun with:

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

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I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

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My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

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This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

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Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

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Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"

Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'

I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye

Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.

The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again?
Johnny:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still.
Then my mum and dad started moving at the same time.
Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically &
squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?"
Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered:- Yes.

Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, I'm coming too".

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This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."

The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."





Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.

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Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

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Psychologist at a bar.

A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,

"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"


She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,

"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.


Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.

After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,

"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"

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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

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Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby?

He didn't have a reservation.

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SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

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3 Guys go on a camping trip...

3 guys go on a camping trip. They get to the campground, decide to do some fishing and go back to their campsite just before dark to set up their tent. The guy who brought the tent made a mistake and had gotten a tent that was quite small, so they ended up having to sleep side by side.

The next morning, the guy on the left says "Man, I had an awesome dream, I dreamt I got a handjob by this hot ass chick" the guy on the right goes "Wow really? Me too!"

The guy in the middle says, "That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing."

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Guy goes hiking the German alps. Passes a small village while it's getting dark. [nsfw]

Decides to look for a room and continue in the morning. Checks in a small guest house. It's night, he cant sleep, no radio, no tv ... what to do?
Goes and asks the host: "You wouldn't happen to have hookers in your village would you?"
Host says: "No hookers. Only Fritz."
"Fritz eh? Well ..." says the guy: " ... sure, who would ever know. How much does Fritz want?"
"400 Mark." Host says.
"400? That's a lot." says the guest.
Host explains: "Well, from those 400 I take a 100, cause it's my house and I dont really like it happening."
"Oh! So Fritz does it for 300?"
"No ... not really, no. From the 300 our mayor gets 100. Cause it's his village and he doesnt really like it happening."
"Oh poor Fritz. Only gets 200 then."
"Well ..." says the host "... not really, no. From the 200 Hans and GΓΌnther take 100 each for holding Fritz. Cause it's his ass, and he really doesn't like it happening!"

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The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me.

It's like being a teenager again.

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Every year we spend more on coffee than we do on educating our children

how do we sleep at night?

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Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."

Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.

"Who's there?" he called out.

"Moe! It's me Sam!"

"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.

"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.

"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.

"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

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Woke up to a surprise blowjob this morning

Guess I better learn to sleep with my mouth closed

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Old joke is old but still great

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Sherlock says

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"What does it tell you, Watson?"

Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!

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On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...

*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.


The woman ignores him.


*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*


The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the first question.


*"What is the distance between Earth and the Moon?"*


The woman hands him $5. Now it's her turn.


*"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"*


The lawyer is astonished. He frantically surfs the Internet, searches his pocket encyclopedia and asks his scientist friends. He finds nothing. Hours later, when finally giving up looking for the answer, he wakes the woman, hands her $50 and asks:


*"So, what is the answer?"*


Without saying a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.




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Girls say I'm an animal in bed.

More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

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What's the main difference between light and hard?

I can go to sleep with a light on

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What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

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There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

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If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...

are they guilty of resisting a rest?

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Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.

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Church

Molly and Charlie were at Sunday school at their local church, and Molly, being tired, began to fall asleep. The Sunday school teacher then proceeded to ask:
''Who came down from heaven to save our souls?''
Charlie sticks a pin in Molly's arm as she wakes up with a start:
''Jesus christ!''
''Well done Molly, thats correct''
Molly then goes back to sleep. The teacher asks her another question:
''Who lives up in heaven and created the earth?''
Charlie again sticks the pin in her arm as she again wakes up:
''God almighty!''
''Correct again Molly''
Molly then goes to sleep for a third time, as the teacher asks her another question:
''What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd baby?''
Charlie again sticks the pin in her arm as Molly wakes up and shouts:
''If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll snap it in two!''

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"Did you sleep well?"

"Like God during the Holocaust."

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I don't know if this has been posted before but it's one of my favourite jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." Replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter to four. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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An old couple are vacationing in Israel...

The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.

The grave digger says "I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000."

The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.

The grave digger is stunned "Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?"

The man gets very close and whispers "A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her."

*

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I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years.

Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.

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Here is one of my favourite Iranian jokes that I've translated to English for you all, hope you like it

One day there was a king who had the the most beautiful daughter anyone had ever seen.

Everyone wanted to sleep with his daughter so he thought he would make a game of this.

King: "Anyone who can wrestle my lion and kill it will be given permission fuck my daughter"

For days men would turn up from all over the land to try and kill the lion and would fail miserably. Finally a Turkish man showed up and went into the empty arena with the lion.

They were wrestling for about 30 minutes and everyone could hear loud screams from both.

After 45 minutes the door opens and the Turkish man walks out batterer and bruised takes a deep breath, brushes off his shoulder and says "Right, so who do I have to kill?"

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Chet the chicken

Chet came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his
sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
"You died in your sleep, Chet'"

Chet was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too
much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only
one way you
can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Chet was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a
farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered
with feathers,clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen,
huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad,' replied Chet the hen, 'but I have
this strange
feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster.
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg
before?"

"Never," said Chet

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the
rooster. "It's no big deal."

Chet did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out
popped an egg!

Chet was overcome with emotion as he experienced
motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was
overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on
the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

"Chet Wake up. You shit in the bed!"

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I spilled coffee all over my Macbook...

...now it won't go to sleep.

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Three Dogs Are Sitting in the Vet's Waiting Room

The dogs ask each other what they're in for.

The first dog sadly says, "I just can't help myself when it comes to the mailman. I just get so angry when he walks up to the door that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."

The second dog says, "Oh no, that's terrible. I'm a barker myself. I know I'm not supposed to bark all night, but I just can't help myself. So I'm being put to sleep too."

The first two look at the third dog for his story.

"Well, my owner likes to do her housework in the nude," he said. "Yesterday, she was vacuuming and bent over to get under the couch. I mean, I couldn't help myself; I hopped right on and had the ride of my life!"

The other two dogs looked at him compassionately. "So you're being put to sleep too?"

"What? No, she's having my nails clipped!"

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A son asked his father

"What's the difference between hypothetically and reality?'

The father thought for a moment and said," ask your mother if she would sleep with the neighbor for $500,000."

The son returns and says," she said,' hell yes I would!'"

He replied," now ask your sister if she would sleep with the principal for $500,000."

The son goes and returns saying," she also said," hell yes I would."

The father said," now son, hypothetically we're millionaires, but in reality we're living with a bunch of whores."

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I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not.

I should probably sleep on it.

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Hotel Indian.

Did you hear about the Indian who had to sleep in the hotel lobby because he didn't have a reservation?

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How does an attorney go to sleep?

First he lies on one side, then the other!!

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Last night I dreamt that I wrote 'Lord of the Rings'.

I realized I was just Tolkien in my sleep...

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What do you call a nun that walks in her sleep?

A roamin' Catholic.

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A Doctor Joke

As she laid there next to me starting to sleep I said to myself, "Nick, I'm sure you aren't the only doctor to sleep with their patient.

But then another voice told me, "Nick, you are a veterinarian."

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What's the difference between light and hard?

I can sleep with a light on.

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25 years of marriage

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed

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4 men in a pub

4 men are chatting in a pub,

The first man says:"I sleep with my wife once a month",

The second man says :"i sleep twice a month",

The third says:"I sleep once a week",

The fourth man says:"I sleep twice a week",

Then the first man says: "What are you talking about? you aren't even married",

The fourth man replies: "Oh I thought everyone was talking about your wife".

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Where does a russian bird sleep?

IN A COMMU-NEST

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Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

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Poor man

Three men sat outside of a coffe shop in a spanish town, two of them are rich and the third is poor. As they sat there drinking their coffes a very attractive lady walks up to them and asks what they would give to sleep with her. The first rich man says "I would buy you a yacht, a sports car and a case of the most expensive wine just to see you nude". The second rich man says "I would buy you a home in whatever part of the world you want, treat you to the best food, and three million dollars just to see you topless". The poor man then excalims "Forget her! I'll take it in the ass".

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best sleep jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty sleep gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these sleep jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Sleep jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

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