sleep Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious sleep puns

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

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I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

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My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

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My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.

"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.

She laughed.

I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

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Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

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Theory vs. Reality

A son asks his father what the difference between theory and reality is.

The father says go ask your mother if she would sleep with the neighbor for 1 million dollars, then go ask your sister the same question and tell me what they say.

The son returns and says, "they both said they would do it!"

The father replies, "ok son, in theory we are sitting on 2 million dollars, in reality we live with a couple of sluts."

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Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

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Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

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I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

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My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

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This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

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My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight

I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

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Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

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Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?

Son : let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

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A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

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Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

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A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

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Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

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I had never woken up to a blowjob before

That is the last time I sleep with my mouth open on the subway!

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Where does a spy sleep?

Under covers.

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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

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What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roman Catholic.

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I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

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A couple of Thai girls asked if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery.

They were right, we had six matching balls.

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Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

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A man comes home from work...

A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.

She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"

He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"

"Perform the autopsy."

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Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

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I knew a girl in college who would sleep with guys for free Adderall.

She was a real attention whore.

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Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby?

He didn't have a reservation.

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SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

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5 year old son after reading a story of a king:

Son: Mom I also want 5 wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will dance and one will bath me.

Mom: And one will put you to sleep

Son: No mom, I will still sleep with you.

Mom's eyes filled up with tears and said "God bless you son, but who will sleep with your 5 wives?

Son: Let them sleep with Daddy.

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears and said "God bless you my son"

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My girlfriend's parents are very religious…

The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren't allowed to sleep together.

It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.

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Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

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I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

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What are the most funny Sleep jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Sleep? Well, here are the best Sleep dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Sleep pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes