Sleep Jokes

What are some Sleep jokes?

When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight

I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?

Son : let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

Where does a spy sleep?

Under covers.

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roman Catholic.

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

A man comes home from work...

A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.

She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"

He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"

"Perform the autopsy."

Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby?

He didn't have a reservation.

SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography...

But it put her to sleep.

My girlfriend's parents are very religious

The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

Some mornings I wake up bitchy...

Other mornings I let her sleep.

Stewardess

Yes, Sir?

I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.

Captain, shut up and land the plane.

When I was young my dad really emphasized how important it would be to use a condom if I ever had sex with a girl.

I asked him why.
"Because, son," he said, "any girl that would sleep with you would sleep with anyone."

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

Which sister? is not the correct answer.

The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me.

It's like being a teenager again.

Every year we spend more on coffee than we do on educating our children

how do we sleep at night?

It's so rude when someone's phone goes off in class.

Some of us are trying to sleep.

Happy father's day!

5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:

Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me

Mom: And which one will put you to sleep

Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears.

Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?

Son: Let them sleep with daddy.

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !

Happy Father's day!

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.

"What do you want?" he asks.

His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

Husband says to wife: Babe, do I please you in bed?

Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Husband: What trick?
Wife: The one where you stfu and go to sleep.

The first time I asked a woman to sleep with me my hands were shaking and I was sweating uncontrollably

I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before

I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

I think it's interesting how people sleep differently

I usually sleep on my back, my brother sleeps on his stomach, and my ex sleeps with half of this town

A king gets murdered in his sleep...

Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."

It's crazy how everyone sleeps differently.

I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.

A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.

I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

Girls say I'm an animal in bed.

More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

I couldn't sleep last night..

.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..

Getting 8 hours of sleep

Wouldn't you all agree that you just sleep better naked?

I don't understand why the flight attendant was yelling at me...

I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And POOF! She was a smartphone!

She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...

Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

I just like to sleep naked.

I think the flight attendant could've been more understanding.

There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...

are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

Nothing like being awoken by a surprise BJ

I should sleep with my mouth closed

Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:

- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

The woman giggles.

- Of course I would!

- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?

The woman looks disgusted.

- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?

- That's already been established. Now we're just haggling about the price.

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning

I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

"Did you sleep well?"

"Like God during the Holocaust."

A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."

Good choice.

Me: To make a woman laugh is the second best method to get her to sleep with you.

Her: And what is the best method?

Me: Chloroform.

Her: You are funny!

Me: Good choice.

I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years.

Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.

I like to sleep with a fan on me at night.

It's why I'm divorcing my wife to join a band

A dead lawyer

lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven.
He asks St Peter "Why am I here? I was healthy, and so young!"
St Peter replies "Young? You were 103 years old!"
The lawyer says "What? No! I was 36!!"
St Peter looks at his ledger and then says "Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed."

When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Fidel Castro ...

... not screaming in terror, like his victims.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

I spilled coffee all over my Macbook...

...now it won't go to sleep.

Three guys go on a ski trip...

...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best handjob of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"

Deep sleep prevents aging.

Especially when you are driving.

My girlfriends father wouldn't let us sleep together when I stayed over at her house

Which is a shame because he's very attractive.

What is it called when a kid refuses to sleep during nap time?

Resisting a rest.

Doctor: Before you go to sleep, don't eat anything fatty.

Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?

Doctor: No, fatty.

I have recently become a new man

I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.

My girlfriend's dad is so religious, he won't let us sleep together...

Which is a shame, because he's a really attractive man...

I slept like a baby last night.

Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.

I didn't sleep so well last night...

So this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I made it halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

My Bill Cosby impression isn't that entertaining.

It puts everyone to sleep.

I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not.

I should probably sleep on it.

My son said he wants to sleep with 1000 women before he reaches 30.

I said, "Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first."

Husband has 6 months to live

Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

Hotel Indian.

Did you hear about the Indian who had to sleep in the hotel lobby because he didn't have a reservation?

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he'd tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he's been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother's really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, oh honey, it's not the jokes, it your delivery.

I got a white noise machine to help me sleep...

but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."

Just had a coffee and it was so black and rich,

a Kardashian just tried to sleep with it.

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!

Wife asks god for a better husband

Wife: Dear God , I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night.
I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches.
God then turned her into a smartphone.

How does an attorney go to sleep?

First he lies on one side, then the other!!

How to make Sleep jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Sleep to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Sleep? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Sleep pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes