Slaps Jokes
81 slaps jokes and hilarious slaps puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about slaps that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh with these funny slaps jokes that are guaranteed to be harder than your father's! Whether you like a good clap or a good slap, these jokes are sure to have you laughing in no time. Find out why slaps jokes are the best way to get your humor fix!
Funniest Slaps Short Jokes
Short slaps jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The slaps humour may include short slapping jokes also.
- I called two girls hipsters and got slapped. Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
- Doctor : Does it hurt? Mother : Yes, a lot.
Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again? - My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!
- Did you know Will Smith can make swords? Of course he can; he's a blacksmith
Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps. - Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can't survive a slap from a newspaper. This shows how toxic the media is.
- Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please? Waitress (slaps me): That's none of your business!
- I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
- A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. She slapped me when I answered I guess "In HD" is the wrong answer
- The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows... It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...
- My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas. I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...
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Slaps One Liners
Which slaps one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with slaps? I can suggest the ones about slapped and slapped so hard.
- Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice. I hate being a dwarf.
- What happens when someone slaps you around with high frequency? It Hertz
yeah - Dyslexic walks into a bar Gets slapped and called a pervert.
- How do you kill 100 flies in A second? You slap an ethiopian in the face.
- Why did the midget get slapped? Because he told a woman how nice her hair smelled.
- what did 3 say after being slapped What was that 4
- What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency? It Hertz
- So I complimented my friend's majestic moustache. No idea why she had to slap me though.
- What do you call a Rabbi who is also a chemist? an Acidic Jew.
\*Slaps Knee\* - What do you call a belt made of paper? A waist of paper. *knee slap*
- I got gas for 2$ today. The taco bell value menu still slaps though
- What happens when you're slapped at a high frequency? It hertz :)
- Why did the customer slap the cashier? Because he was checking her out.
- I told a joke to my Chemistry teacher. He replied "Oh man, I slapped my neon that one"
- When is the only right time to slap an ugly woman? When her mustache is on fire.
Slaps Harder Than Jokes
Here is a list of funny slaps harder than jokes and even better slaps harder than puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Women are like oobleck The harder you slap them the tighter they get.
Happy Slaps Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about slaps you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean claps jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make slaps pranks.
An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.
He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" The waiter says, That's nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.
A man goes up to a fat chick in a bar...
and says "i'd give you one", she slaps him and says "how dare you?!? Just because I'm fat doesn't mean you can just say you would screw me!" He retorts "screw you?!? I was scoring you out of ten".
A sad looking man walks into a bar
And orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.
The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"
The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"
This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.
After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"
The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.
A police officer pulls a guy over.....
and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
My dad's favorite joke.
A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks at the cashier and says, "Eww, that's *disgusting*!" The cashier replies, "If you think that's g**..., you should see him make donuts."
Another 'intelligent' joke
Once a guy was putting a saddle on the horse but on the opposite side of the horse. A passerby stops, laughs and says "Buddy, you are putting the saddle on the other side of the horse". The guy slaps the passerby and says "How do you know which way I am going ?"
A woman walks into a brothel, slaps down a few hundred dollars, and exclaims, "I want twelve inches, and I want them to hurt!"
So the doorman smacks her face with a ruler.
A mexican boy with the desire to be white
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.
He says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira la Abuela, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"
A young black boy walks int to kitchen ...
There he dumps a pound of flour on himself, he goes to his mother and says, " look! I'm a white boy!" His mother slaps him in the mouth and says, "go tell your Father what you jst said!" The boy goes to his fAther and says, " look! I'm a white boy!" His father takes him over his leg and spanks him hard. Then the father asked," okay son , now what have you learned?" The looks at him and says," I've only been a white boy for 8 minutes now an I already hate you black people!"
So there's this new t**......
So there's this new t**... in the store, and he's complaining about how he hates his job and wishes he was something better. His complaining starts to really annoy everyone when an older t**... walks up, slaps him, and looks him sternly in the eyes and says, "s**... it up."
A man goes to the library and asks for the book "Psycho the r**..."..
The librarian slaps him and says it's "Psychotherapist"!
News Joke
So today I was at work (on the checkouts at a supermarket) and somebody comes along saying: "only a news-paper for me today" as she slaps down a copy of the Sun. I reply, "so where's your news-paper then?"
60 Years of Marriage
An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.
Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"
She responds "that's for 60 years of bad s**..."
They continue to rocking on the porch.
A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.
With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"
Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...
... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely a**.... So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
Boy asks Girl....
Boy: Will you marry me?
*girl slaps him*
Girl: What did you say?
*boy gets up and and slaps her twice*
Boy: If you didn't hear what I said, then why did you slap me?
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!
The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom...
A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black b**...."
an I.Q too high to buy
A scientist tells a pharmacist, Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.
Do you mean aspirin? asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. That's it! he says. I can never
remember the name.
Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...
"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."
Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."
And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.
A man walks into a bar...
And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!
The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"
The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.
Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"
A man goes into a drugstore
and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
Three Drunks Get into a Taxi
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
A guy meets a h**... in a bar
And buys her a drink. She says to him "For $300, I'll do anything you want as long as you can ask for it in 3 words." So he thinks about it for a minute, reaches into his wallet, pulls out three Benjamins, slaps them on the bar and says "Paint. My. House".
A man walks into a library
and is greeted by the librarian behind the front desk.
He slaps a $10 bill on the desk and says to the librarian - "I'll have two budweisers please"
The librarian, taken aback, responds - "Sir, this is a library!"
The man quickly replies back - "Oh, sorry!"
*whispers* "I'll have two budweisers please"
An idiot has a mirror in his closet
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
Camping.
An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- "Look up to the sky and tell me what you see."
Son- "I see millions of stars."
Father- "And what does that tell you?"
Son- "Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets."
Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"
Slapping Old People
An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible s**...!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"
Wife is angry as husband stands!
Wife is angry as husband stands too close to a
beautiful girl in the bus,
.
.
.
.
A few minutes later the girl slaps him for
pinching..
.
.
.
.
Husband to wife:
I swear I didn't
.
.
Wife: I know, I did it.
A guy gives his girl an engagement ring. She puts it on her finger and slaps him in the face.
He was Au stricken.
*slaps roof of car*
#WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender sees the horse is upset. He asks, Why the long face?
The horse slaps him and says, Why does everyone make fun of me for having a long face!
The bartender replies, So thaaats why your upset
Car Salesman: *Slaps sun*
Jesus
Jesus walks into a hotel.
He slaps three long nails down on the front desk and asks...
"Can you put me up for the night?
A lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie...
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...
*slaps roof of kid*
This baby can hold so many disappointments
A physicist flirts with a fat lady.
Phycisist: Hey lady, you know why you're hot?
Fat lady: (surprised and shocked) I don't know, why?
Phycisist: (whispers) Thermal Expansion!
Fat lady: *slaps*
A doctor tell his patient you got one month to live and slaps a bill of $3000. To his patient's horror, he says i dont have time to pay.
Then the doctor says alright you have two months 2 live
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: *slaps Isaac Newton*
I don't often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he slaps me because I'm Asian and I should be studying.
The cashier at the Hand Gestures Store told me they were having a sale on slaps today.
So I told him, "Give me five!"
This joke has to be told to someone in person
This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says I'm the one driving not you .
The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says I'm the one cooking not you
The fourth part is...
person listening: what you said there were three parts.
*slaps*
I'm the one telling the joke not you
So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"
His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.
Mother asks what he learned, he says
"Nothing but I sure do hate you black folk"
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...
Dad: what were you watching?
Son: Kung-Fu Panda
*\*robot slaps son\**
Son: Ok! It was an e**... movie.
Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn't even know what an e**... movie was
*\*robot slaps dad\**
Mum: HAHAHA!!! He's your son after all
*\*robot slaps mum\**
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."
A guy is sitting a table in a restaurant when the waitress comes over.....
Hello sir, what would you like to order?
I'll have a q**... please sweetheart...
Okay sir i'll ask again, what would you like to order?
I really want a q**..., please, you know? Tart...
With that the waitress slaps the guy and storms off.
One of the other customers leans over and says 'excuse me mate, it's pronounced 'Quiche'
Dad Joke of the year!
# To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.
At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."
She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You b**... men all the same...
"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!"
A man is sitting in his easy chair watching the football game when his wife comes in and slaps him in the face.
He says, What was that for!
She says, I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket with the name Dorothy written on it!
The man says, oh that's just the name of the horse I was going to bet on
A week passes and the man is back in his easy chair watching another football game.
Wife walks into the living room and slaps him in the face again.
The man yells, what was that for!
She says, your horse just called...
A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies
The dad asks his son, where were you today ? And the son says, at school and the robot slaps him. Then the son says ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda . Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes what? You're too young to hang out with girls I never hung out with girls at your age and the robot slaps him. Then the mom starts laughing and says well he is your son after all and the robot slaps her.
An older woman is doing the dishes, when her husband walks up behind her and slaps her rear end.
If you could firm this up, you wouldn't need a girdle! He says.
She turns around and grabs is c**...
If you could firm this up, I wouldn't need your brother!
A dying kid makes a wish to meet Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne sits at the side of the hospital bed and asks the kid if he was a fan of wrestling.
The kid says yeah, and that he knows his only weakness.
Dwayne looks puzzled, and asks what it is.
"Come closer" says the kid.
Dwayne leans in, and the kid shows him his open palm. Dwayne looks confused, and the next second the kid slaps him full power across the face.
"Paper beats rock."
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.
Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.
"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..
"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.
"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.
"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?
Few minutes later, the Chinese man slaps the Jewish man.
"What was that for?" asks the Jew.
"It's for the Titanic."
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg..."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" says the Chinese man.
idk what to put the title as
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.........
The man decided to try it out at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?
Son: At school
*The robot slaps the son*
Son: OK! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD
Dad: Which one?
Son: Kung Fu Panda
*The robot slaps the son again.*
Son: Ok! It was an e**... movie.
Dad: What!? When I was your age I didn't even know what an e**... movie was.
*The robot slaps the dad.*
Mom: HAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!
*The robot slaps the mom.*
Two brothers
Two brothers, ages 8 and 5, wake up one morning, and the older of the two says, "Today we're going to start cursing. I'll say d**... and you say a**...." The younger brother agrees.
Soon, their mother calls them down for breakfast. She asks the older brother what he would like to eat. He replies "I want some d**... Cheerios." His mother is horrified, slaps him across the face and sends him to his room.
She turns to her younger son and asks, "Well, what do you want for breakfast?" He replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your a**... it won't be Cheerios!"
See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Man is looking at the menu
The beautiful waitress comes up to the table and asks if they are ready to order. Man looks up from the menu, smiles and says, "'Can you get me a q**...?"
The waitress slaps the man in the face and stomps off.
Man sits there in shock as the person in the next booth leans over. "It's pronounced quiche"
Was going through my record collection when I found an old Will Smith CD..
I'd almost forgotten how that s**... slaps!
A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...
"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"
The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"
