slap Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious slap puns

I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass

I guess I've hit Rock Bottom.

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied "Of course!"

"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

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Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

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A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:

"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"

The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:

"Nah, the stakes are too high."

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The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.

When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic

Cook: In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

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If you slap a christian girl on the ass...

Would she turn the other cheek?

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Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM?

He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.

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A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".

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Ceiling meat.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling . The guy asks "What's this about?" The bartender replies "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies "Nah, the steaks are too high."

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"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"

A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

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How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Slap a nipple on it.

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Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

...He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"

He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

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An Arab man slapped his wife, and she was insulted.

She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"

So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"

"He slapped my left cheek."

So the father slapper his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenged you. You can tell your husband that he has slapped my daughter, but I have slapped his wife"

*Joke borrowed from Les Miserables, written in 1862.*

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A man walks into a bar ... (NSFW)

A man walks into a bar with a monkey.

The bartender asks "hey man, whats with the monkey?"

The man replies "watch this!"
The man then slaps the monkey and then the monkey starts blowing him.

"Wow that's pretty cool" says the bartender.

"You wanna try?" asks the man.

The bartender says "yeah sure! ... Just don't slap me so hard."

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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

The guys asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

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I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

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Aftershave's aftereffects.

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

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When you slap a greek statue's ass...

You know you've hit rock bottom.

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Whats the difference between a bdsm slavegirl, and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.

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A man walks into a bar with his buddies and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender "Why are there three steaks hanging from the ceiling?"

The bartender replies "It's a contest sort of thing, actually. If you can jump and slap one of the steaks, you and your buddies get free drinks for the night. If not, you have to pay for everyone in the bar's drinks for the next hour. Wanna give it a try?"

The man thinks for a few minutes and makes his decision.

"Bartender, as much as my buddies and I would like free drinks, the stakes are just too high."

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Over the counter

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the Pharmacist " I've heard a lot about that Viagra stuff does it really work" the pharmacist says "yea it works great" the guy asks "do you think I can get it over the counter" the pharmacist says "Well If you took enough I suppose you could". knee slap

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A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

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An old lady, a blond chick with big tits, an American guy and a Canadian guy...

...are all sitting together on a train traveling through the Rockey Mountains. As they pass through a tunnel it becomes pitch black and a lout SLAP breaks the silence. As the train emerges from the tunnel, the American guy has a bright red hand print on his face.

The old lady thinks "That guy probably grabbed that blond woman's breast and she slapped him"

The blond chick thinks "That guy probably tried to grab my breast, missed and grabbed the old lady's breast and she slapped him"

The American guy thinks "That Canadian guy probably grabbed the blonds breast and she missed slapping him and slapped me instead."

The Canadian guy thinks "I can't wait till another tunnel so I can slap the shit out of this American guy again!"

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The Lie-Bot

A father comes home one day with a large cardboard box. When he unpacks it, the family's startled to see it contains a humanoid robot.

"This is a lie detector 'bot," the dad says. "It's programmed to slap anyone who tells a lie." He looks at his son and says, "Timmy, what were you watching over at your friend Joey's house last night?"

Timmy says, "Um...we were watching 'Toy Story'."

The robot slaps Timmy.

"OW!" Timmy says. "Okay, I admit it! We were watching porn!"

"Hah!" the dad says. "It works. And I'm ashamed of you. In my day we never even knew what porn was, much less watched it."

The robot slaps the dad.

"Haha!" the wife laughs. "He's your kid, all right."

The robot slaps the wife.

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

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Please bring me a glass of water.

Boy: mum, could you please bring me a glass of water.

Mum: get up and get it your self.

Boy: mum, please.

Mum: repeat and I will slap you.

Boy: when you come to slap could you bring a glass of water as well?

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A train goes under a tunnel.

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved."

The young woman thinks "that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead."

The officer thinks "That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me."

The soldier thinks "That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer."

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A German, an Austrian, a nun and a young attractive woman on a train

A German, an Austrian, a nun and a attractive woman sit on a train. The lights in their car are broken so in every tunnel it gets really dark.

The train drives through a tunnel, it gets dark and suddenly you hear a slap and someone cries out in pain. When it gets bright again its obvious that the Austrian was slapped in the face.

The nun thinks: Well he tried to grope the young woman, so she slapped him.

The young woman thinks: He tried to grope me but messed up and touched the nun, who slapped him.

The Austrian thinks: That german guy tried to grope the woman and she tried to slap him, missed and hit me.

The German thinks: In the next tunnel ill hit him again.

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My son cries when I slap his hand.

If he doesn't like it he should stop blocking his face.

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Little Muhammad goes to 1st grade...

When the teacher asked his name he replied: "Muhammad".
The teacher says:" you live in France, from now on you're name is Phillip and you will be French"
Little Phillip goes back home and his mom asks him" well little Muhammad, how was school?"
Phillip replied: "I'm French now, my name is Phillip!"
The mom is shocked, an hour later his dad comes home and they both slap Phillip.
The day passes and Phillip goes to class with a black eye, the teacher asks him:"what happened Phillip?"
"An hour after I became French, two Arabs beat the shit out of me!"

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A nun, a blonde, a German and a Dutchman...

A nun, a blonde, a German and a Dutchman are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes through a tunnel, it's completely dark,
and suddenly there's a slap. The train comes out of the tunnel and the Dutchman is rubbing his face.
The nun's thinking: "The Dutch guy probably touched the blonde girl's breast and she slapped him, and rightfully so."

The blonde'sthinking: "That Dutch pervert probably tried to grope me, but got the nun instead, and she slapped him."

The Dutchman, still in pain is thinking: "The German obviously went for that blonde chikck's tits, and she hit me instead of him. That lucky asshole."

The German's thinking:"In the next tunnel, I'm gonna hit that guy again."

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Drink for free

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, How'd you like to drink for free?"
The man, obviously interested, replies, "Of course! What do I gotta do?"
The bar tender says, "See those pieces of meat hangin' from the ceiling over there? If you can reach up and give 'em a good slap without goin' up on yer toes, or jumpin', or nuthin the drinks are on the house."
The man quietly refuses. Shaking his head, he orders a beer and reaches for his wallet.
The bartender, stumped, asks the man why he won't even try.
The man curtly replies, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

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So I complimented my friend's majestic moustache.

No idea why she had to slap me though.

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Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"

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What are the most funny Slap jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Slap? Well, here are the best Slap dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Slap pick up lines to share with friends.

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