Slap Jokes

What are some Slap jokes?

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:

"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"

The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:

"Nah, the stakes are too high."

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM?

He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.

A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".

"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"

A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Slap a nipple on it.

Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

...He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"

He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

An Arab man slapped his wife, and she was insulted.

She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"

So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"

"He slapped my left cheek."

So the father slapper his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenged you. You can tell your husband that he has slapped my daughter, but I have slapped his wife"

*Joke borrowed from Les Miserables, written in 1862.*

A man walks into a bar ... (NSFW)

A man walks into a bar with a monkey.

The bartender asks "hey man, whats with the monkey?"

The man replies "watch this!"
The man then slaps the monkey and then the monkey starts blowing him.

"Wow that's pretty cool" says the bartender.

"You wanna try?" asks the man.

The bartender says "yeah sure! ... Just don't slap me so hard."

I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

Aftershave's aftereffects.

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

Whats the difference between a bdsm slavegirl, and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.

A man walks into a bar with his buddies and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender "Why are there three steaks hanging from the ceiling?"

The bartender replies "It's a contest sort of thing, actually. If you can jump and slap one of the steaks, you and your buddies get free drinks for the night. If not, you have to pay for everyone in the bar's drinks for the next hour. Wanna give it a try?"

The man thinks for a few minutes and makes his decision.

"Bartender, as much as my buddies and I would like free drinks, the stakes are just too high."

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

Please bring me a glass of water.

Boy: mum, could you please bring me a glass of water.

Mum: get up and get it your self.

Boy: mum, please.

Mum: repeat and I will slap you.

Boy: when you come to slap could you bring a glass of water as well?

A train goes under a tunnel.

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved."

The young woman thinks "that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead."

The officer thinks "That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me."

The soldier thinks "That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer."

A German, an Austrian, a nun and a young attractive woman on a train

A German, an Austrian, a nun and a attractive woman sit on a train. The lights in their car are broken so in every tunnel it gets really dark.

The train drives through a tunnel, it gets dark and suddenly you hear a slap and someone cries out in pain. When it gets bright again its obvious that the Austrian was slapped in the face.

The nun thinks: Well he tried to grope the young woman, so she slapped him.

The young woman thinks: He tried to grope me but messed up and touched the nun, who slapped him.

The Austrian thinks: That german guy tried to grope the woman and she tried to slap him, missed and hit me.

The German thinks: In the next tunnel ill hit him again.

My son cries when I slap his hand.

If he doesn't like it he should stop blocking his face.

Drink for free

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, How'd you like to drink for free?"
The man, obviously interested, replies, "Of course! What do I gotta do?"
The bar tender says, "See those pieces of meat hangin' from the ceiling over there? If you can reach up and give 'em a good slap without goin' up on yer toes, or jumpin', or nuthin the drinks are on the house."
The man quietly refuses. Shaking his head, he orders a beer and reaches for his wallet.
The bartender, stumped, asks the man why he won't even try.
The man curtly replies, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

So I complimented my friend's majestic moustache.

No idea why she had to slap me though.

Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"

Navy biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

A Frenchman, Englishman and a woman on a plane.

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane.

The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.

Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark.
Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*.

When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face.

The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."

The woman was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it."

The English guy was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again."

Biscuits & Doughnuts

An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the US Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The cook replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia".

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!"

The cook shrugs and replies "In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the Doughnuts".

I hated the girls at my school

They used to hit me with a ruler.. Slap me in the face. Basically did everything they could just to defend themselves.

What do you call a belt made of paper?

A waist of paper. *knee slap*

Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?

Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?

Son: I just wanted to clear my doubt. I asked her a valid question for which she had no answer, so she took out her frustration by being violent.

Dad : What was the question?

Son: I asked her why 'bra' is singular when it covers two things & 'panties' plural when it covers only one

Eat Your Broccoli

Little Johnny is having dinner with his family. He's eating everything except broccoli. His dad notices it and says, "Johnny, if you eat your broccoli, your pee-pee will grow big." Suddenly, Mom turns around and gives Dad a big slap.

Dad: What was that for?

Mom: For not eating your broccoli.

Two Young Children Walk Down The Stairs

The 9 year old says to the 7 year old
I think that we're old enough to start swearing now.

The 7 year old says
Okay but when will we do it

The 9 year old just says
Follow my lead.

They walk into the kitchen and their mother says
What would you like for breakfast?

The 9 year old says
I'll have some Cheerios, b*tch.

The mother proceeds to slap the boy across the face, turns to her other son and asks
What would you like for breakfast?

The boy, scared, just says
I don't know, but clearly not the f*cking Cheerios!

An Admiral visited one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia."

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that's the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

I got slapped at the club the other day

I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"

I said, "Well, I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it."

A man walks into a bar, and noticed a couple T-bones nailed to the ceiling.

He asks the bartender what they're for.

Bartender tells him it's a challenge. If you can jump and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the night. If you miss, you buy everyone's drinks for an hour.

The man shakes his head and says. "I'm gonna pass. The steaks are too high."

Irishman and the fire

Firemen receive a call that the local bar is on fire. They rush over to the local bar and sure enough, the whole bar is aflame.

They sweep into the burning bar to check for survivors and find a man face down on the floor. They pull him from the flames, soot-ridden and unconscious, they slap him awake.

"What happened! How did the fire start?!" they ask him.

"How should I know?" says the Irishman. "It was already on fire when I went in.."

Homophonic names

A Jew & a Chinese man are traveling on a train together. After a while, the Jew stands up, and gives the Chinese guy a tremendous slap.

"What are you doing?" says the stricken Chinese.

"That's for Pearl-Harbour" says the Jew.

"But I am Chinese! The Japanese were responsible for that!" says the Chinese.

"Japanese, Chinese--all the same."

They resume their seats. A while passes.

Then the Chinese gets up, and kicks mightily the Jew.

"Hey! what's going on?"

"That's for the Titanic!" says the Chinese.

"But the Titanic was hit by an Iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Weissberg--All the same."

A man walks into a butcher shop...

... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

A man brought home a lie detector.

He told his family: "This robot will slap anyone that tells a lie."

 

During dinner,

Dad: "How was school, son?"

Son: "It was nice, we had to write an essay."

The robot slapped the son.

 

Son: "Ok, I skipped school to go to a friend's house."

The robot slapped the son again.

 

Son: "Fine! I went to a whorehouse!"

The robot did not do anything, but the dad was shocked.

Dad: "How could you? When I was your age I didn't even know what was a whorehouse!"

The robot slapped the dad.

 

The mum, who was angry at first, couldn't help but laugh and said, "Well, he is your son after all!"

Then the robot slapped the mum.

 

The Perks of Being Rich

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, I am very rich. Marry me! That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, He's very rich. Marry him. That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me. That's Telemarketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, I'm rich. Marry me! She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.

The sadomasochist was arrested and put in front of a judge

he got off with a slap on the wrist

Canadian guy, American guy, ugly woman and gorgeous woman on a train.

A Canadian guy, American guy, a ugly woman and gorgeous woman are sitting in opposing seats on a train. After some initial introductions of where they're from and where they're going, they settle in to do their own thing and basically ignore each other.

Some time later, the train enters a tunel and all goes black, then suddenly they hear a big slap. As the train exits the tunnel there's the American with the side of his face all red wearing a look of shock.

In the mind of the ugly woman, "That American tried to grope the gorgeous girl and she slapped him!"

In the mind of the gorgeous woman, "That American tried to grope me, but got the ugly woman instead and she slapped him!"

In the mind of the American, "That Canadian tried to grope the gorgeous woman and she tried to slap him but got me instead!"

In the mind of the Canadian, "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap that American again"

The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is...

flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.

She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.

The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."

The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:

"...underwater".

--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

Truth Assessing Robot

A father gave his son a robot. "The robot is always able to tell if you're speaking the truth. If you lie, the robot will slap you."

One night the son comes home really late. The dad asks, "Where were you?"

"At the library." Bam! The son gets slapped.

"Where were you really?"

"At the movies."

"What movie were you watching?"

"Ten commandments." Bam! He gets slapped again.

"What movie were you really watching?"

The son gets on his knees. "I'm sorry dad, I was watching an adult movie."

The dad gets angry. "When I was a kid, I never did that kind of stuff!" Bam! The dad gets slapped.

The mom walks in. "You two are so a like there's no doubt you're father and son." Bam! She gets slapped.

A girl, her grandma, a guy and his boss share a compartment in a train.

From the beginning of the journey it's pretty obvious that the girl and guy like each other.

Once when the train passes through a tunnel and plunged into darkness a kissing sound and slap is heard.

When the train comes out into light, the old woman thinks, "It was daring of that guy to kiss my grandchild, but it was rightful of her to slap him".

The boss thinks, "The guy is brave to try such a thing, but I wish she hadn't mistook me for him".

The girl thinks "Wow the guy is a brave one, but I wish my grandma didn't have to slap him".

While the guy thinks, "This has to be my luckiest day. I get to kiss a girl and slap my boss".

Why did the customer slap the cashier?

Because he was checking her out.

A depressed man was sitting at a bar.

From across the room, a beautiful prostitute saw this man and began to approach him. "Hey honey, are you looking to get lucky?", she asked. To which the depressed man replied "Yes". She then announced that for $300 she would do anything he wanted, provided he could say it in three words. The depressed man agreed to this and slapped three $100 notes on the counter and with each slap he said "Paint. My. House".

Why was Biggie hungry at school?

He forgot Tupac his lunch!

*knee slap*

When is the only right time to slap an ugly woman?

When her mustache is on fire.

How do you kill a thousand flies...

Slap a Kenyan in the face.

Just heard it from a coworker...thought I share.

Me and My friend Bet 500 dollars on who could throw a slap of beef to the greatest altitude above sea level...

The steaks have never been higher

Yo mama's like a mosquito

I gotta slap her to stop sucking

What the difference between a blonde and a Misquito?

Misquito stops sucking when you slap it..

My son gets upset when I slap his hands.

If he doesn't like having his hands slapped he should stop blocking his face.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a mosquito?

If you slap a mosquito it will stop sucking.

What does the electron say to the resistor?

Ohm my god you're impeding me. *initiate knee slap

My kids favorite knock knock joke

Knock Knock

Whose there?

Interrupting Cow.

Interrupting C..**MOO!!**


.

Knock Knock

Whose there?

Interrupting Chicken.

*sigh* Interrupting Ch **BOCK BOCK BOCK!!!!**

.

Knock Knock

*sigh* Whose there?

Interrupting Fish.

*ponders* Interrupting F.. *SLAP! SLAP!* OW!!!

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

The blonde keeps sucking after you slap her.

What's the difference between a blonde and a leech?

If you slap them, the blonde keeps on sucking.

If I saw my son playing with a Barbie I'd slap it out of his hands.

Because they are manufactured in China and I can't support products that are offshoring labor to a country with numerous human rights violations. Not to mention, that's super gay.

How do you kill 10 flies at once?

Slap an African child in the face.

What is the difference between a Paul Blart Mall Cop Movie and a mosquito?

If you slap the mosquito it will stop sucking.

Some Ethiopian jokes...

How do you kill 100 flies in 10 seconds? Slap an ethiopian in the face.
What's the best part about getting head form an ethiopian? SHe always swallows
Have you ever tasted ethiopian food? Neither have they.
What's positive about ethiopians? HIV.
How many ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth? All of them.

A young woman, her mother, and two men travel on a train. The train enters a tunnel. The sound of a kiss is heard, followed quickly by a slap.

The mother thinks: One of the men kissed my daughter, but she defended her honor.

The daughter thinks: One of the men tried to kiss me, but kissed my mother in the darkness instead, and she slapped him on the face!

The boss thinks: This idiot kissed the young lady and she tried to slap him, but she missed in the dark and hit me instead!

The other man thinks: Haha! Gotcha! I made a kissing sound in the air and slapped my boss on his face!

What is it called when a wave hits you in the face?

A beach slap.

How do you kill 200 flies at once?

You slap an Ethiopian in the face.

The Train Carriage Compartment

So, traveling by train through Europe were a Ukrainian man, a Russian soldier, an old lady, and a beautiful young woman. Naturally, there was some tension, and nobody spoke.

Then the train went into a tunnel, and everything, for a moment, was pitch dark.

There's the sound of a loud kiss, a slap, and when the train emerges from the carriage, the Russian soldier is nursing a very sore cheek.

The old lady thinks: "Serves him right! How dare he take advantage of that young woman in the dark!"

The young woman thinks: "Serves him right! But I wonder why he kissed the old lady instead of me?"

The Russian soldier thinks: "That cheeky Ukrainian. He kisses the young woman, and I'm the one who gets slapped."

The Ukrainian man thinks: "Ha! I kiss the back of my hand, and I get to slap a Russian soldier!"

A man runs a business to hurt people

The business is a simple one, you pay the man $5 and he hurts you in any way you want. If you want him to slap you he'll do it, if you want him to shoot you in the foot, he will do it. Now his business started to pick up speed and then after a month of his business being successful he starts to notice that he isn't making as much money. He starts looking at the lines over the next month each of them dwindling.
He finally knew his business had fallen when he realized, there was no punch line.

*slaps roof of kid*

This baby can hold so many disappointments

Raise your hand if you're voting for Hillary

Now slap yourself.

What is a slap in the face?

First hand information!

A high school English teacher is doing a lesson on how words modify to make new meanings.

The teacher explained: The word slap can be used as an action, a game, and a joke. You see, slap to the face is an action, slap jack is a card game, and a knee slapper is a joke.
But as you see, words need adjacent words to take on a new meaning. There is no word that can be an action, game and a joke just as it is.

A kid in the back of the room interrupted and asked, what about the word Trump?

A guy walks into a bar.

He sees a tip jar labelled 'steaks'. He asked the bartender what the tip jar was for. Thanks bartender pointed to a couple pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He said, "If you jump and slap both pieces of meat before your feet hit the floor, you win however much money is in the jar. If you don't, then you have to put in $100. Are you willing to take the bet?"
The guy said, "No. The steaks are too high."

Why do ghosts hit people with shoes?

To slap the souls out of them

What did the five fingers say to the face?

SLAP

RIP Charlie Murphy

How do you kill 100 flies in A second? (Dark humor)

You slap an Ethiopian in the face.

I used to watch lots of Bruce Willis movies, but now I don't.

I guess old habits Die Hard.

^Someone ^please ^slap ^me.

^

What do women and bass guitars have in common?

You have to slap them for people to think you're a good player

Little Mortie got a real surprise when he barged into his parents' room one night.

And you slap me for sucking my thumb? he screamed.

4 people in the carriage of a train – a Jew, a pretty young blond, an ugly old woman and a Muslim

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Muslim is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks, I bet that Muslim fondled the blond in the dark and she slapped him.
The pretty young blond thinks, I bet the Muslim tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Muslim thinks, I bet that dirty Jew fondled the blond in the dark, but the blond thought it was me and hit me.
The Jew thinks, I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Muslim moron again."

When you first meet a potential partner, slap them in the face.

That way, later on in the relationship they cant say, 'you don't treat me like you used too!'

What do you do when your washing machine breaks down?

Give her a slap

I keep trying to slap these flies but I keep missing...

these flies are really getting outa hand

Any time I see smiling psychics on TV, I have this uncontrollable urge to slap them in the face.

I guess I'm always willing to strike a happy medium.

Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracey takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with?

A slap.

What do you call a Japanese boy who just got beat by his dad after getting got masterbating?

A fap happy jappy with a slap happy pappy.

Every time I meet someone new, my girlfriend gets a slap across the face.

I really need to stop high-fiving people.

I've lost my mind.

Sometimes, I squeeze my fingers together really tight. Eventually, they slip and slap my hand.

I guess you could say I've snapped.

I havent talked to my wife in 6 months.

I got a slap the last time I interupted her.

How to make Slap jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Slap to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Slap? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Slap pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes