Skip Jokes

What are some Skip jokes?

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999? He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

Because... he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, ...only 90's kids remember the 90's

Skipping School

Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"

Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

Why did LeBron James skip college?

He didn't want to show up for finals.

Why do uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even lyft.

So I was teaching my brother English...

I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.

Why did we skip windows 9?

Because 7 8 9

I'm so sorry

Why are girls like rocks?

You skip the flat ones.

My friend asked me if I wanted to skip class.

I said "nah, I think I'll pass."

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

What did the man do after listening to a Pink Floyd album for two hours?

Skip to the next track

Skip a Day

During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."

When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"

The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."

"From hunger?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.

What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?


What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?


What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?


What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?


What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps?


What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water?


What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves?


What do you call a quadriplegic inside of your mail box?


I once had to skip class because I had hypothermia.

I was too cool for school.

Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.

Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"Β 

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

Wow, that's amazing! the doctor says.

Did you follow my instructions?

The blonde nods…

I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.

No, from skipping, replied the blonde.

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski?


So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:

What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?

You skip them both.

Why did the chicken skip a track on his Red Hot Chili Peppers CD?

To get to the Otherside.

If you skip church on Sundays..

You're pulling a Christian Bale.

A Rabbi on Yom Kippur

Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.

Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.

As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and then again on the next hole.

Moses turned to God and asked, 'I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?'

God replied, 'Who can he tell?'

What happens if you skip school in Middle-Earth?

You shall not pass!

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

It appears we have reached that day once again where all the Irish people get drunk and start fights tonight and skip work tomorrow.


Why did all the students from Alabama skip the archaeology lecture?

They were already experts in relative dating.

A Blonde Goes On A Diet

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

A blonde goes into a doctor and asks for help with losing weight.

A blonde goes into a doctor and asks for help with losing weight. The doctor figures she should make it simple for her so she tells her to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, eat normally for two days then skip a day, etc. The blonde says she would try it and she will come back in two weeks.

Two weeks later, the blonde shows up at the doctors's office and has lost ten pounds. The Doctor is suprised she lost so much weight and asks her how it went. The blonde says the first week was really tough.

The Doctor asks "was it the fasting?"

The blonde answers "no, it was the skipping"

A scientist is in his lab...

So one day a scientist is in his lab, and he's stressed out. How will he get his next grant so he can do an experiment and feed his family for a while longer? He decides to take a small nap...

Then it hit him. After several all-nighters he came up with a prototype for **The World's First Truly Frictionless Object!**

Skip over to the next day, when he is to present his case to the local university in hopes to acquire a grant. He goes with his paperwork, the prototype, and a huge smile on his face.

Unfortunately for him, the panel rejected his proposal because they couldn't grasp the concept.

How are women like rocks?

You skip the flat ones.

I skipped my meeting of "Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous"

No one else came either.

An elderly couple

A sweet elderly couple show up at the doctor's office. The doctor asks, What can I do for you? After a minute of shyly staring down at his shoes, the husband looks up with an embarrassed expression and says, I can't seem to get an erection.

The doctor says, I'm going to give you some blue pills. Here's what I want you to do: Take one pill and then skip a day. Then take another pill and skip the next day. Just keep doing this and I think you should see some results.

A few months later the doctor sees the wife on the street. He approaches her and asks how things are going with her husband. The wife replies, Oh, Arnold passed away last week. A heart attack.

I'm so sorry. I did worry that maybe he was too old for sexual activity.

The wife says, Oh no. It wasn't the sex. It was all that skipping what killed him.

What do you call a water-skier with no arms or legs?


There are four sure fire ways to get through math class

Either you study hard, have a natural talent for it, or just skip it.

A teacher assigns her students to read a chapter of a book.

"Class, I want you to read chapter 31 of the book I assigned you. Understood?"

The entire class agreed. "Okay. Class is dismissed. Remember to read it."

Skip to the next day in the classroom. "Okay, so whoever read chapter 31, please stand up."

Every student stood up. "Now, all of you go to the principals office."

Every student is shocked and confused.

"Why, you ask? There isn't any chapter 31!".

Golfing on the sabbath

One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"

A man goes to see a new therapist...

A therapist has a new patient and has no idea what his condition or problem is. The patient finally walks in but he is completely dressed in saran wrap. The doctor begins to greet the odd new patient but is interrupted, "Skip the niceties Doc. What is wrong with me?" The doctor took a minute and responded, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

I read Sci Fi the same way that I read recipes

I skip to the end and think, "that'll never happen"

Girls are like rocks

If they're flat, skip em

A recent study conducted in Germany by Professor Bernd Ottovordemgentschenfelde proves that 99.9% of people

skip his name

If you don't get it right the first time...

...skip sky diving.

My ex would always skip a letter when reciting the alphabet...

She never said y

I'm trying to learn how to be a more sensitive lover.

I watched a video called "How to improve your foreplay technique", it was really good.

I had to skip through the boring bit at the beginning.

My plan was to skip shoveling and just let the snow melt.

It wasnt well thawed out.

Did ya hear the one about the three brothers Hop, Skip and Jump ?

They were very close

A white girl is getting robbed...

The robber points his gun at her and tells her to count to ten.

"1...3...5...7...9" She says.

"Why did you skip all the even numbers!? " yells the robber.

"Because I can't even!"

Paul Ryan is never known to skip Leg Day

But is nowhere to be found on spine day

What do women and stones have in common?

You skip the flat ones.

I skipped 9 puns and killed the last one...

That's a pun in ten dead.

2016 is like...

A 30 second ad on YouTube that you can't skip

They say you can't skip leg day

Ironically it is because of leg day that you can't skip.

How do scratched dvds get around?

They skip

Why don't cows skip leg day?

To keep their calves in shape

How to read 101

Step one: read this, if you can't skip to step two.

Step two: follow step one.

Have you heard the one about the jump rope

never mind, just skip it.

I think the professor wants us to skip most of this essay

Or maybe I'm just jumping to a conclusion.

Went to a skipping competition

I didn't really want to, but I got roped in

Sometimes when I'm singing a song a get an urge to skip the chorus...

But I always refrain

Why did the lovestruck king skip the dinner party?

Because despite the nice card inviting him, his heart had been stolen and so he had no suit.

Why did the celiac patient have to skip leg-day?

Because he's allergic to glutes

I a tendency

to skip words.

I skipped philosophy class to go see a prostitute.

Descartes shouldn't be in front of the whores.

Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting?

They literally can't even.

Two men are taking a GED test...

One says to the other, "I wish we could skip this section, I suck at math."

The other one says, "Yea, that makes three of us."

Why did the burglar skip the kitchen?

He didn't want to take any whisks.

If life was a YouTube video...

Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.

The things kids say....

I work in a middle school and I was talking to a 6th grader today. He was bummed because he's so short:

He says: I should go back to kindergarten with kids my own size.

Me: Well maybe you should try 1st grade because you already know the alphabet, right?

He didn't skip a beat and responded: I'm so American, the only letters I know are U, S and A!

It was hilarious.!! Thank you children for making us laugh.

People who skip school aren't even cool.

They just have no class.

did you hear the one about the jump rope?

skip it

What did the dance instructor say to her student when the student wanted to use her bathroom?

Skip to my loo.

Where does a thumb meet its type?

At ***the space bar!*** oh-my-goodness! ~Skip

What do you call someone with no arms and no legs being towed behind your boat?


Yo mama's so fat…

When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

Did you know that in 2013 there was a Russian scientist named Povandolakoviviscov kintayionshinkov

Why did you skip the name? I will not complete the story.

If I skip making a rough copy and go straight to the final copy...

Does that mean I'm dodging the draft?

How to make Skip jokes?

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