Skin Jokes
157 skin jokes and hilarious skin puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about skin that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a laugh? Check out our rundown of hilarious jokes about skin! Whether you have pale, dry, ashy, bad, thick, oily, burnt, or graft skin, we have something for everyone. We also provide some helpful tips for skin health, such as moisturising often and avoiding wrinkly skin. Get ready to chuckle from cheek to cheek!
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Funniest Skin Short Jokes
Short skin jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The skin humour may include short bones jokes also.
- My ex girlfriend was a beautiful woman... ... olive skin, green eyes, snakes for hair.
But I had to break it off with her because she was constantly objectifying me. - What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit? Oranges have thick skin.
Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! - A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
- What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it? Au-burn
^He^^He^^^He^^^^He - I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
- I told my wife, "You are so skinny." Then I grabbed her by the love handle and said, "Just look at all this skin."
- What's the difference between Donald Trump and Barack Obama? One gets made fun of for the color of his skin, and the other is Barack Obama!
- There's a greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity. The river sticks
- My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.
- My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured.
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Skin One Liners
Which skin one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with skin? I can suggest the ones about body and shell.
- What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza? Skinning the vegan.
- What's the leading cause of dry skin ...towel
Credits:dads - Why do cops have really clear skin? They're great at popping black heads.
- I just slipped on a banana skin. I look ridiculous in it.
- How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin-divers
- What is the most common use for pig skins? To keep the pig in one piece.
- Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.
- What part of Popeye has the smoothest skin? The part he dips in olive Oyl.
- My skin is so oily that I'm afraid that one day America may invade it!
- I have never understood why living in the poor part of town... ...makes your skin darker.
- Why are skeletons always so calm? Nothing gets under their skin.
- Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts? Cause otherwise, they'd be boxers!!!
- To that cow that escaped while i was skinning it alive You can run but you can't hide
- What does Charles Darwin use to moisturise his skin? Evo-lotion.
- Doctors don't want you to know the real #1 cause of dry skin: Towels
Dry Skin Jokes
Here is a list of funny dry skin jokes and even better dry skin puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the leading cause of dry skin? A towel
- What causes dry skin? Towels!
- A New research shows us that the main cause of dry skin is.... Towels.
- The leading cause of dry skin Towels
- A dry fact Towels are the leading cause of dry skin
- My friend doesn't like to talk about her dry skin… She'd rather just sweep it under the carpet
- What does a Dr. Who fan say when he has dry skin? EXFOLIATE
- Researchers have found the leading cause of dry skin. Towels
- I've dry skin & a friend suggested that I use Shea Butter, but I can't do that Cuz I'm Sunni.
- Why did the pig have dry skin throughout the day? She forgot to put on her oinkment.
Dark Skin Jokes
Here is a list of funny dark skin jokes and even better dark skin puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dark I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery. - Why are there so few dark skinned students at Hogwarts? Because most of them were expelled for using Black magic.
- How does a dark-skinned boy have light-skinned hands? ...because paint!
-my four-year-old daughter. - A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef The butcher starts insulting her and spreads rumors around
- I like dark mode on everything Except for my skin
- A dark-skinned human and a red-skinned human walk into a bar... It ends with the city guards being acquitted.
- Why aren't there many good, white people jokes? Because when they start getting dark, most of them get skin cancer and die.
- There's a mexican and a dark skin guy, Whos driving? The cop
Peeling Skin Jokes
Here is a list of funny peeling skin jokes and even better peeling skin puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Humans are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.
- A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby? Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.
Answer 2: I tear up a little bit when I'm chopping up onions. - What's the difference between friends and potatoes? Potatoes don't scream when you peel their skin and toss them in boiling water.
- Aren't dad jokes great? I got a bad sunburn a week ago, and my skin is staring to peel of.I guess you could say that it's.....appealing
- Why should you never trust a man with peeling skin? Because he's flaky.
- Hey baby, are you a potato? Because I'd like to peel off your skin, slice you up, dip you in boiling oil, and then eat you with ketchup.
- What do bananas have in common with old people? They both bruise easily. And when you peel the skin, you realize sometimes the bruising goes beyond the surface.
- What to bananas and women have in common? They both bruise easily. And when you peel them you notice the bruising continues under the skin.
- What's the difference between a baby and an orange? You peel the skin off the orange before you eat it.
- The advantage of using a nailcutter is, you won't get scratchmark on your forehead skin and the disadvantage is, you can't peel off garlic skin.
Brown Skin Jokes
Here is a list of funny brown skin jokes and even better brown skin puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- People can be so easy to read... ...like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.
- I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly.
- Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin? It had melonoma
- My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material But I won't be suede
- My friend asked for a "skin colored" pencil I gave him a brown pencil.
- What color is jam in Germany? The skin is brown and the inside is orange.
- Why do Afghan people have light brown skin? Because Afghan is tan
- It doesn't matter what color of skin you have Whether it's purple, black, orange, brown, or normal.
- What did the tanned Asian say when he learnt that his brain was the same colour as his skin? MIND BROWN
- No wonder it's called napoleon ice cream Pink skin, white flag, and brown pants
Pale Skin Jokes
Here is a list of funny pale skin jokes and even better pale skin puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is it called when your son tells you that your skin is so pale that you look like a vampire? A Son-burn
- Watching Avatar again Didn't notice the first time how odd it was that all the Na'vi were portrayed as so pale-skinned and blonde...
Silly Skin Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about skin you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean surface jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make skin pranks.
A woman goes into a store...
and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that.
The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
A husband and wife are in a car c**...
They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the c**... and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.
The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."
The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"
And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.
A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"
"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."
Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...
Its a teabag
I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin...
My wife told be that would be infant tile.
Did you hear about the baby born with no eyelids?
They used his f**... for an eyelid skin graft.
.
.
.
.
.
***Now the poor guy is c**...-eyed***
Two boys sitting to pee
Two five year old boys are sitting at the p**... to pee.
When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.
" What does that mean?"
"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."
" How old were you when it was cut off?"
" My mom said that I was two days old."
" Did it hurt?"
" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"
I don't understand people wearing leather or fur...
Don't they realize that animals are suffering because of their sense of fashion? They should put themselves into the animals' skin and try to understand.
Did you guys hear about the guy who got the skin on his face ripped apart by eagle talons?
They tried to fix it with botox, but that only helps with crow's feet.
I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.
It felt good being on the winning side for once.
One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream
Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!
I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.
I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft, sensitive, supple skin. He said, You just have to rub it in.
What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]
A boy asks his mom: "Why is my skin so much darker than yours and Dad's?"
... she says: "That was a pretty wild o**..., be glad you don't bark"
Tried to cash in on this kid joke thing. My daughter is a disappointment.
Why did the skeleton cross the road? He didn't because he doesn't have skin and he just fell apart.
A black friend of mine...
...said he's thinking of bleaching his skin. Said our society is tilted in favor of the white man. He's tired of being downtrodden. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
I told him to lighten up.
I know skinny jeans are fashionable...
But as a slightly chubby man, I just can't seem to be able to pull them off
My wife has really dry skin
My wife has really dry skin so I asked my doctor what I could do about it.
He said, "Give her a milk bath."
I said, "Pasteurized?"
The doctor replied, "No, just up to her knees will do."
Mom, why am I dark if my father's skin is alabaster and yours is too?
Rough translation from Spanish:
Child:Mom, why am I dark if my father's skin is alabaster and yours is too?
Mother: With how drunk I was that night it's a miracle you don't bark!
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.
$200″ – he replied.
That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.
Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!
If I ever had the chance to name a new road, I'd call it "Skin Road".
Just so I could laugh at the people living at number 4
Clean Shave
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No *ball*room
A baby was born with no eyes lids...
So the doctors decided to circumcise him and use the skin to craft new eyes lids.
They botched it though and he came out looking a bit c**...-eyed.
I like the way you think
Roses are red. nuts are brown.
Skirts go up. pants go down.
Body to body. skin to skin.
When it's stiff. stick it in.
It goes in dry. It comes out wet.
The longer it's in. The stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping. And it starts to sag.
It's not what you think. It's a tea bag.
My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...
It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a f**......
Three men are captured by canibals
The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.
The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his t**....
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"
I can't help but think that The Last Supper must have been a bit tense...
...with Jesus relating the bread to his broken skin and the wine to his own blood.
I bet no one touched the meatballs.
"Mommy, why do I have black skin and you have white skin?"
"Honey, when I think back to that night, you're lucky you don't bark."
Mother has four sons joke
The older three sons are blonde with light skin. The youngest is a brunette with darker skin.
The husband is laying on his deathbed. He turns to his wife and asks "honey, I need to know... is our youngest really my son?"
The wife responds: "yes dear, of course, I swear to god with all my heart!"
Reassured, the husband then passes away peacefully. The wife huffed a breath of relief and then muttered "thank god he didn't ask about the other three"
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
A woman is looking at herself in the mirror
"Ugh I look so old! My skin is sagging, my hair is turning gray, I've got crows feet..."
Her husband says, "well, at least your eyesight is intact."
While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back.
I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"
-true story, just happened.
Racism is s**....
Why hate a person based on his/her skin color? If you just took the time to know them as a person, you can find a whole lot of other things to hate them for.
A small town has a factory which produces coffee scented skin creme.
The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train.
So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion.
There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.
The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little c**...-eyed
Two boys were peeing up a wall, the first boy looks at the second and says "Why does your thing look different than mine?"
The second boy says " I've been circumsized "
And the first boy asked "What's that?"
the second boy replies " Well on the day I was born they cut the skin off"
The first boy says " Oh my god! Did it hurt"
And the second boy replies " DID IT HURT!! I couldn't walk for eighteen months!!"
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any more children.
Apparently a vasectomy doesn't stop you from having children, it only changes the colour of their skin.
The Old Cowboy's Shave
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .
I really counted on my vasectomy to keep my girl from getting pregnant...
but apparently it only changes the baby's skin color...
I took my grandma to a new spa..
I took my grandmother to a new spa where they have little fish eat away at your dead skin for only $40.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
The year is 2017.
There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my a**... and wriggles it about a bit.
Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.
Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?
Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.
Mother: Will he be okay?
Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little c**...-eyed.
I took my dad to one of them spas where the fish eat your dead skin.
It was £30 but cheaper than a f**...
Dad peels banana...
When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...
Dad:
peels the first s**... of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second s**......
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"
Me: "What happened to the Four skin"
Dad: "Jewish banana"
I was twelve and I finally figured it out....
Whatever you do, don't buy anything from eBay seller xx_Anna_xx
My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.
Two police officers walk into a crime scene.
They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."
Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?
Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.
* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*
Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.
Did you hear about the kid born w/o an eyelid?
When they circumcised him, they used the extra skin to fix his eyelid.
The procedure went fine, he's a little cockeyed now though...
A blonde walks into a doctor's office
Blonde: doc! I think I got a skin disease!
She proceeds to poke everywhere and every time she pokes herself she yelps
Doctor: ma'am are you a natural blonde?
Blonde: yes why?
Doctor: your finger's broken.
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
What do skinny jeans and modern houses have in common?
No ballroom
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your b**... and graft it onto a buddy?
a**... skin for a friend.
While gaming last night, I was called a loser due to still having my default skin
But when I showed up to school, the next day, wearing a new skin, I'm a psychopath.
The biology teacher told us our skin is the biggest o**......
Here i was thinking it was the one they play in the church down the road!
Poor daddy
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and brown eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son truly my child?
The wife replied, I swear on everything holy that he is your son. With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered Thank goodness he didn't ask about the other three.
Took grandma to a spa where they have fish eat your dead skin
It was cheaper than paying for a f**....
A study found that 97% of people prefer bananas with the skin on.
Without one, it just lacks appeal.
What do skinny jeans and motels have in common?
No ballroom.
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
He asks the barber, "do you think you can get all my whiskers off? My cheeks are so wrinkled from age".
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".
Doctor says I have to stop eating the skin of oranges
That was a bitter peel to s**...
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. One turns to the other and says, Your dinky doesn't have any skin on it. That's because I've been circumcised, he replies. Cor! What does that mean?
It means the skin's been cut off the end. How old were you when they did that? About two days old. Did it hurt? It sure did. I didn't walk for a year.
Many people call their animals "fur babies" but,
As soon as I start calling children "skin dogs", suddenly I'm the worst pediatrician in this hospital!
