sized Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious sized puns

Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over?

That makes it cap sized


Why is it good being an orphan

Every bag of chips is family sized


I've decided to name my penis Napoleon...

...because there's a big misconception that it's short, but it's actually average sized


A father takes his son to the doctor...

After a brief wait, the concerned father brings his son into the examination room, pulls down his pants, points at the kids wiener, and exclaims "DOCTOR!!! IS IT NORMAL FOR A 3 YEAR OLD TO HAVE A FULLY DEVELOPED ADULT SIZED PENIS?!?!?"

The doctor looks down at it and says "It's only an inch and a half!


I have a baby sized penis.

7 pounds, 8 ounces, 22 inches long.


A man walks into a bar and sees a plus sized stripper dancing on a table..

He tells her, "Nice legs!"

"Wow, you really think so?"

"Definitely," he replies, "most tables would have collapsed for sure."


A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...

The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"


Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."


An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party...

Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly:

An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where he had it filled with all kinds of dangerous creatures, sharks, piranhas, crocodiles, you name it it is there! So he tells his guests "I will give anything to the person who is brave enough to jump in the pool and swim across!" The place falls silent as the guests only whisper amongst themselves in bewilderment. "Anything that person can dream of will be his!" the billionaire tells the guests again. Suddenly a large splash is heard and a guy is seen struggling to swim through, and miraculously he makes it across! The room erupts in cheers and the billionaire approaches the man who swam across, and tells him "I am a man of my word, and since you made it across what do you desire? Money, mansions, my daughters hand in marriage?" The man still visibly shaken and struggling to catch his breath replies "I just want to know the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!"


I have a baby sized penis.

Jim and Sandy had been dating for a year but decided to wait until marriage to do anything sexual. On their 1 year anniversary Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of an 8 year old. He said that it was OK because he loved her so much.

Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. I have a baby sized penis. I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

Sandy thought about it for a second, and then decided that she loved Jim enough to get over this fact.

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. Finally, just as Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find
out what was wrong.

"You told me you penis was the size of a baby!", she said.

"It is! 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 and a half inches long!"


I went to a rope store today

looking for some rope. I ask the clerk what the best general use rope is and he brings me aisle after aisle, showing me various types of rope and different knots.
We get to one aisle, and there is nothing there except a single, medium sized box.

I promptly ask the clerk about it and he tells me, "oh, that's just some old tangled up rope" and quickly tries to rush me out of the aisle. Curious, however I decide to go check out the box. I open it and all of a sudden, I hear the loudest, most terrible screaming coming from inside the box. Taken aback, I slam the box shut. I ask the clerk, "Can you tell me what the hell that was?"

The clerk responded, "'fraid not"


Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was being given a handjob."

The man on the right says "Yeah. Me, too."

The man in the center says "Hmm, that's weird. I dreamed I was skiing."


A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor to consult regarding his stutter.

**Man:** "D-d-d-doctor, have the re-re-re-results come back yet about the source of my st-st-st-stutter?"

**Doctor:** "Yes, after extensive examination, I have determined that the reason for your stutter is because of your enormous penis. We will have to perform surgery and replace it with a regular sized one."

Conflicted, the man ultimately agrees as his terrible stutter has hindered him since childhood. He undergoes surgery and had his penis replaced. Thankful, he goes back to his home and returns to his life.

After a few days, the man returns to the doctor troubled.

**Man:** "Doctor! I would like to have my old penis back again. My stutter is gone but I can no longer satisfy my wife in bed like I used to. Please perform surgery on me again."

**Doctor:** "N-n-n-no takebacks!"


So if normal sized people come out of the closet when they're gay,

Do midgets come out of the cabinet?


The Man with the Tiny Head

A man walks into a bar, seemingly normal sized body, but he has what can only be described as a head so tiny, it was unfit to be on top of his neck. He goes up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Drinks are on the house if you don't mind me asking what is wrong with your head."

The man stares at him slightly and says, "I was stranded on an island, my plane had crashed. A few days in I found an old fashioned bottle and when I picked it out of the sand, a beautiful genie appeared. I still can not forget her, her beauty was indescribable. She said to me that she would grant me any wish I desired. I, of course, wanted to go home, but this woman was unlike anything I had ever seen before and I had been away from my wife for several weeks. I asked her to have sex with me and she said she was sorry, but she did not grant wishes for sex and that I had to wish again."

"So, what did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I did what any man would do." said the man. "I looked her straight in the eye and said if we can not have sex then how about just a little head instead?"


I'm gonna start a company that makes medium sized pickles

Not to brag or anything but it's kind of a big dill.


A business owner is looking to have a painting commissioned...

He has this decently sized white wall in his office, and asks a local artist to paint a mural on it.

The artist asks, "Well, what kind of mural were you thinking?"

The owner is a huge American History buff. He thinks for a bit, about the revolutionary war, the civil war... he decides "How about Custer's last stand, during his last moments at the battle of Little Bighorn."

The artist isn't too terribly familiar with the battle, but says he'll research a bit, and come up with something great.

So the owner goes away on a vacation, and gives the artist free reign of the office for two weeks to get the job done.

He comes back in, and on the wall... it's just... porn. It's a bunch of Native Americans having a giant orgy. And in the center, inexplicably, is a pile of fecal matter with a halo over it.

He asks the artist "What... what... what the fuck *IS* this?"

The artist says "I call it - 'Holy shit; Look at all the fucking Indians'"


So I went on a date with this girl last night

Things were going well, so we ended up back at her place. Then things started going REALLY well, and we ended up in her bedroom. I looked around and saw that she had a king sized bed with Communist Party sheets.

Now that's a big red flag.


Did you hear Vladimir Putin made a travel sized Russia?

It is the perfect country to Putin your pocket.


Captains Pants (one of my favorites)

One day, a scout on a small ship sees another equally sized ship on the horizon.

He tells the captain that the ship looks hostile, so the captain orders everyone on board to ready the cannons.

He then tells the scout to bring him his red shirt so that way his blood will not show and the men on board will continue to fight and not be afraid if he was injured.

After a long and weary battle, the day is won.

The very next day, 10 ships appear on the horizon, and the scout tells the captain.

The entire crew waits to here what he has to say.

Staring at the approaching ships the captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."


What state has the best small sized soft drink?



A man has an unfortunately sized penis...

And he doesn't have a lot of money. He goes to a doctor and says "Doc, please can you help me? My penis is so small, I don't know what to do!" The doctor says "Well yes, but the procedure is $10,000."
"Aw geez doc I could NEVER afford that!" he says defeated

The doctor replies "Well, if you really want there is risky experimental procedure that we would do for you for free"

The man with the teeny weenie leans in closer to listen to the doctor "The experiment involves grafting some tissue from the trunk of an elephant, and putting it on your penis."

"Well" the patient replies "I don't have many options, so count me in!"

The following Friday the procedure is done and is a great success, and the doctor warns "Be sure not to try to use your new penis until Monday after it has had a chance to heal."

On Monday morning the man is so excited to use his new addition that he calls up a prostitute to have breakfast with him then sexy times.

The hooker and the man are having a pleasant conversation at breakfast, when suddenly the mans dick comes LUNGING from under the table, flops around for a second on top of the table, grabs a blueberry muffin, then DISAPPEARS back under the table!

"Oh! Oh my god was that your dick!?!?" The aghast hooker exclaimed

"Oh yes, yes it was sorry about that" he says

" you think you could do that again?!?" she asks

"Well, I would, but I am not sure I could fit another muffin up my ass!"


A Pirate Ship is attacked by a similar sized ship

Before the impending battle begins, the captain says to his crew mate, "Bring me me red shirt." The crew fought gallantly, and won. After the battle, the crew mate asks his captain, "Sir, why did you ask for thy red shirt?" The captain responds, "so that way, if I was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't realize and continue fighting bravely." The crew mate says, "Wow! That's really a good idea." A few days later, a huge navy ship approaches to defeat the pirates. The ship was armed with hundreds of cannons and thousands of crewmen. Te captain quickly turns to his crew mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants..."


What's the best part about being an orphan?

All your chips and candy bars are family sized.


A man was trying to subdivide a large piece of property he owned in Manhattan.

But no matter how many ways he tried, he was unable to split it up into any number of equal sized parcels. He asked a realtor if she could help, but the realtor said there was simply no way to do it.

The problem, she said, is that's a piece of prime real estate.


Einstein, Newton and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon...

Einstein is bored, so he suggests a game of hide and seek and pretends to be "It". The others agree, so Einstein begins counting, "One...Two...Three.."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not! Here I come!"

Einstein looks up immediately and spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you Newton."

Newton laughs and replies, " No! You found one Newton per square meter - you found Pascal."


Three friends are chatting at lunch

One asks the others, do you think twins have the same sized dicks?

Now you're asking the real questions , replies one friend.

The third friend replies, as a twin, I can definitely say my dick is bigger than my sisters.


What is a big box of condoms called?

not family sized


A good looking guy walks into the drugstore to buy condoms....

The gal working at the drugstore (also very good looking) asks him, "What size do you need?" He responds "I don't know". She looks at him and tells him "There is a fence out back with 3 different sized holes, put your pecker in each one and then tell me which size it was." The guy walks around to the fence while the clerk runs around to the other side. The guy puts it in the first hole and she treats him right. He puts it in the second hole and she treats him again. He puts it in the third hole and she treats him yet again. He walks back to the store while she runs back to the counter. She smiles when he comes back in and asks "Well what size do you need to buy?" The guy grins "I don't want to buy any condoms anymore but I will take 8 foot of that fence!"


Do you remember the teen who had that kidney problem a decade ago?

He's doesn't have that problem anymore. He's knees are normal sized now.


I couldn't decide whether or not to buy this new king sized mattress

I'm going to sleep on it.


A few weeks ago I had some drinks and woke up to a redhead with decent sized tits

Apparently I'm stuck with him till 2020.


Scientists have invented a super sized pickle

It's a pretty big dill


Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown?

He was looking for Finger Prince.

(Say it out loud if you don't get it.)


What part of America can't sell full sized soft drinks?



What are the most funny Sized jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Sized? Well, here are the best Sized dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Sized pick up lines to share with friends.

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