Size Matters Jokes

41 size matters jokes and hilarious size matters puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about size matters that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Size Matters Short Jokes

Short size matters jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The size matters humour may include short sized jokes also.

  1. Does size matter? Some women say size doesn't matter.
    Some even say that they prefer smaller ones. I think that they're just shallow.
  2. Saw a billboard in Rhode Island. "doesn't matter" . It was supposed to say "size doesn't matter" but the print was to big.
  3. Half empty or half full? Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, the point is,, You need to buy a different size bra.
  4. I assured to my significant other that size doesn't matter... when she asked "does this dress make me look fat?" and now she's furious, help--
  5. My girlfriend asked me what size table cloth we should buy I told her "12x15."
    She asked, "feet or inches?" and I told her either one, doesn't matter.
    Can't wait to see which one she buys.
  6. Girls always say that size doesn't matter.... But when I wanna watch the game on a bigger screen it does.
  7. TIL size doesn't matter. Chicks will always scream through their lungs no matter how big the cockroach in their rooms is.
  8. They say size doesn't matter If that's true, why can't I get these shoes on?
    Credit to Viz comics
  9. Presents are like p**... The size of the package matters less than the size of the smile on the recipient's face.

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Size Matters One Liners

Which size matters one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with size matters? I can suggest the ones about sizes shapes and large.

  1. Size of matter in descending order. Molecule > Atom > Proton > Quark > x on a mobile ad
  2. Why do some women get offended at four-letter words? Because, size matters.
  3. People say size doesn't matter.. But I'd rather have a large fry than a small fry.
  4. I learned my lesson from prison Size matters
  5. Do you know what are they doing in CERN? Does the size really matter?
  6. According to NASA Size DOES matter.
  7. Size doesn't matter... ...density does.
  8. Manhood size really matters !! LOL!!
  9. What is 6 afraid of 7? Because size matters.

Unearthly Funniest Size Matters Jokes to Tickle Your Sides

What funny jokes about size matters you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bigger jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make size matters pranks.

A man and his son were at the grocery store today...

They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!

Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store

1. No thanks... Just sniffing.
2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
5. Will you model this for me?
6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.
7. $85? Are you kidding? She's just going to end up *n**...* anyway!

So we landed a car-sized object on Mars...

...but we have no plans to bring it back. As a matter of fact there's at least 3 of 'em up there. Does this make us the r**... of the Galaxy; leaving our broken down rovers all over our Solar System?

Two ladies smoking

Two old ladies were standing outside smoking cigarettes. It starts to rain, so one of the old ladies takes out a c**..., cuts the tip off and slides it over her cig to keep it dry. The other lady is amazed at her inventiveness! She goes to the pharmacy and tells the pharmacist she needs some condoms. The pharmacist, puzzled, looks at her and says "ma'am they come in all shapes and sizes, which ones do you need?" She replies "doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel!"

A man was trying to subdivide a large piece of property he owned in Manhattan.

But no matter how many ways he tried, he was unable to split it up into any number of equal sized parcels. He asked a realtor if she could help, but the realtor said there was simply no way to do it.
The problem, she said, is that's a piece of prime real estate.

Two Old Ladies go out for a smoke in the rain

As they're smoking, Old Lady 1 takes out a c**..., cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. Old Lady 2 looks at her and, realizing what a good idea it is, asks "hey where'd you get that."
"The Pharmacy, you can get a huge box of em down there."
The next day, Old Lady 2 goes into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I need a box of condoms please"
The pharmacist looked at old lady questioningly (she was 80 after all) and asked "what size?"
The Old lady thought for a second and said "It doesn't matter, as long as it can fit on a Camel"

A frog walks into a bank...

...and proceeds to ask the Asian teller, Ms. Patricia Wok, for a $5,000 loan. Absolutely gobsmacked at a talking frog she mechanically goes through the procedure, asking him if he has any references. As a matter of fact, he replies, my dad's m**... Jagger, he's a musician. Okay, she says hesitantly. I mean if a talking frog, what's not allowed? Do you have any collateral, she continues. Yeah, he says, this ruby, while pulling a crimson rock from his overalls. Composing herself she decides to ask the bank manager for assistance. Quickly bringing him up to speed, she says, can we continue with the transaction and is the ruby even real? At which point the bank manager examines the gemstone, sizes up the situation and says, it's just a nicknack Patty Wok but give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone.

An old man dies.

His wife takes him to the f**... home, and the director tells her "Do you have any special request?"
The wife says "Well, yes. As you can see he is wearing a black suit. He loved blue. Please, not matter the cost, get him a blue suit."
"No problem", the f**... director says.
The day after, the wife walks in and sees the husband in a perfect, tailor made blue suit.
"That's perfect!" she says. "How much do I owe you?"
"Oh, nothing", the director responds.
"Why nothing? It surely must have cost something!"
"See, yesterday another woman whose husband had died came in. He was the same size and same height as your husband, and was wearing a blue suit. She wanted a black suit on her husband.
So, I did the logical thing, and swapped the heads".

Two old ladies are smoking and it starts to rain

Two old ladies are sitting outside of the nursing home, smoking a couple cigarettes and it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a c**..., snips the top and puts it around her cigarette. Confused, the other lady asked what she was doing. "Oh it keeps my cigarette dry when it starts to rain." The other old lady runs down to the drug store and asks the clerk where the condoms are. The clerk says, "well we have a few different kinds, what size did you need?" the old lady responds, "it doesn't matter, it just has to fit a camel."

How to escape a shark attack

What you need is a knife, the size of the knife doesn't matter.
This is what you do.
When you see the shark swimming around and you see the hunger in his eyes, you take out your knife and wait... You notice him swimming toward you, just hold to your knife and prepare yourself... You see him getting closer, just keep holding onto the knife... When he is close enough for you to see the hollow hunger in his eyes and he just keeps swimming toward you, you take your knife and.... stab the guy next to you and swim away, just stab and swim.

Three old ladies smoking...

So three old ladies are sitting on a bench in front of a drug store enjoying a nice cigarette. All of a sudden it starts raining. Two of the ladies pull out condoms, unroll them over their burning cigarettes and then continue smoking. The third lady obviously asks about this, to which another lady replies: "Well whenever it starts raining we put a c**... over the cigarette which acts like a raincoat and we can keep smoking!" The first lady thinks this is such a grand idea that she gets up and heads into the drug store. She walks all the way to the back counter and tells the pharmacist, "I'd like to buy a box of condoms, please." The pharmacist, a little confused and slightly grossed out, says, "Ok, what size would you like?" The old lady replies, "Oh it doesn't matter. Whatever you think will fit on a Camel.."

20 reasons why chocolate is better than s**...

1. you can *get* chocolate.
2. 'if you love me you'll s**... it' has real meaning with chocolate.
3. chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. you can safely have chocolate while driving.
5. you can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. you can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7. if you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate doesn't mind.
8. two people of the same s**... can have chocolate without being called n**... names.
9. the word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. you can have chocolate on top of your worktable or desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.
11. you can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. you don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. with chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. you can have chocolate any time of the month.
16. good chocolate is easy to find.
17. you can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. you are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. when you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.
20. with chocolate, size doesn't matter.

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

Why Chocolate Is Better Than s**...:
- You can GET chocolate.
- Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
- You can have chocolate in in public.
- If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind.
- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate.
- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
- Size doesn't matter - though more is still better.

jokes about size matters