The Best 64 Size Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Size jokes. There are some size bigger jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these size size matters puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Size Jokes and Puns

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

So a man walks in to a CVS..

and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size condom he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your condom size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size condom he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".

**tl;dr - handjobs.**

A Woman Walks Into A Drugstore And Asks...

the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Size joke, A Woman Walks Into A Drugstore And Asks...

What size clothes do fortune tellers wear?

Medium.

Latvian joke.

I tell Latvian joke:

Latvian man very hungry.

He go in minefield, look for potato feed family.

Many hours, he suddenly find big potato, size of fist!

He quickly pull out pin, put in mouth, swallow whole thing.

Then he say "But why was there pin in potat "

End from joke.


Does size matter?

Some women say size doesn't matter.

Some even say that they prefer smaller ones. I think that they're just shallow.

A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...

"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves, but I don't know what size her hands are."

The beautiful young employee presses her hands into his and says, "I'm a 'small'. Does that help?"

"Oh yeah," he says. "You're hands are the exact same size as hers."

"Do you need anything else?" the young girl asks him.

"Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and panties."

Size joke, A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID SEX

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

A man brought some cookies to a party...

His friend approached him later during the party. He asked for the recipe to show his wife.

"You see, the secret trick is that I put the dough in my belly button to measure out the perfect size of each cookie," he tells his friend.

"That's absolutely disgusting," says the friend.

He answers, "Oh, you're not going to like the way I make donuts then."

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

You can explore size sized reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean size quantity dad jokes. There are also size puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What do the American dollar and the American dress size have in common?

Both have had to adjust for inflation.

How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size?

In square feet.

A man walks into a bar...

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

Favorite Dad Joke

My 4 year old cousin needs help putting her shoes on.

Cousin to my dad: "Can you put my shoes on?"

Dad: "Well I'll try but I don't think they're going to fit."

(As he tries to stuff his foot into a size 3 kids shoe)

GRANDPA'S CONDOMS

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Big enough to fit a Camel."

Size joke, GRANDPA'S CONDOMS

I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size.

It was a narrow "S" cape.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Waiting for... eeeeeer... someone?

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies:
- "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds:
- "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"


There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight?

Meat.

Unshakable Fact # 5

Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store

1. No thanks... Just sniffing.

2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

5. Will you model this for me?

6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.

7. $85? Are you kidding? She's just going to end up *naked* anyway!

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says...

... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear "You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"

I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans.....

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

What Size Underwear Do Feminists Wear?

#Double Standard.

Your mom is so fat and racist...

Her bra size is KKK

A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.

"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."

Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."

I know The Little Mermaid's breast size.

It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

What is Kim Jong-Un's favorite beverage size?

A supreme liter.

If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package...

Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought.

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

I saw biggish girl at the pub last night,

Her t shirt said "watch out I'm a man eater!"

I went up to her and said " excuse me, love ... About your t shirt slogan."

She interrupted me and angrily snapped " oh let me guess: you want to know how many man I've eaten? Well, you know what, I can't help my size."

I said "Actually, no, I wasn't going to say that at all. "

She looks happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you what to say then?"

"That's not how you spell manatee."

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England . One of the women replies No idiot. Wales!!!!

The Foreigner is taken aback. I'm sorry, let me start over he says. Excuse me. Do you two whales happen to be from England?

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

A woman goes to a pharmacy and asks if they have 12 inch size condoms.

"How many do you want", pharmacist replies.

"None, just take my phone number and give it to anyone who comes to buy it".

A man named Rick went shirt shopping with his wife and asked her:

\- What size should I pick?

\- Pick L, Rick.

Haha that's the funniest s\*\*t I've ever seen.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was

Sir Cumference.



He acquired his size from too much pi.

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport

Brutus: Which is our boarding gate Caesar?
Caesar: A-2 Brutus

Brutus: And what time is the flight Caesar?
Caesar: 8:02 Brutus

Brutus: By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?
Caesar: Ate two Brutus

Brutus: This is an unusual paper size for a ticket. What size is it Caesar?
Caesar: A2 Brutus

Brutus (Thinking to himself): This man is really getting on my nerves. One of these days I'm going to have to kill him

My wife asked me, If I die, will you re-marry?

I replied, I don't know love, I don't think about those sorts of things.

Well If you did, would she live in our house? she asked

I said, I don't know, I haven't thought about it!

Then she asked Would you let her wear my clothes?

I replied Nah she's not your size

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ..."

What do you call a large pack of lube in Alabama?

Family size

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

My wife arranged the plates by color and size...

It's a rare dish order

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

My friend asked me what the biggest fish I ever caught was. "Have you ever saw the movie jaws? I asked.

"Well it was about the same size as the box the dvd came in."

What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea?

Supreme Liter.

I rolled my first joint last night!

Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(

Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.

Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.

Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.

Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.

Wife: Will you let her use my car?

Husband: Of course not

Wife: Will you give my jewellery to her

Husband: Not at all, I have some of my memories attached to it. I will keep it as your memory.

Wife: Will you give my shoes to her

Husband: No way... Her size is '5' and yours is '7'.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was...

Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi

What is the difference between grill and house fire?

The size of grilled meat

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."

"I saw an Italian plumber bump his head on a brick and grow three times his size!"

The officer pauses for a moment and mumbles to himself. "It's the mushrooms."

My boss said I was going to see a big increase on my Payslip this month...

... He increased the font size.

Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but...

there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.

iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

The bull and the lion

So a bull is walking through the jungle one day, bragging about his enormous size and impressive horns. He even boasted that he was afraid of nothing in the jungle. Well, a lion heard this boasting and laughed as he proceeded to kill the bull and eat him. After getting his belly full, he roared with delight that he was the king of the jungle!!!! A nearby hunter heard the roaring and shot the lion.
Moral of the story? Sometimes when you are full of bull it's better to keep your mouth shut

Always hug your enemies

Then you'll know what size the hole needs to be in your garden

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the size diameter jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working size bra size piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes