Size Jokes

160 size jokes and hilarious size puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about size that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article aims to bring some fun to the discussion of sizes! Learn more about size jokes in relation to shoe size, bra size, medium size, fun size, plus size, and ring size. Size jokes can be about length, thickness, and more. No matter what your shoe size, you'll appreciate the humor in this article!

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Funniest Size Short Jokes

Short size jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The size humour may include short dimension jokes also.

  1. I bought a sail for my boat on amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late. That sail has shipped.
  2. My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data. I guess the N's justify the means.
  3. I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.
  4. I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing. She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.
  5. My friend asked me what the biggest fish I ever caught was. "Have you ever saw the movie jaws? I asked. "Well it was about the same size as the box the dvd came in."
  6. Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end You'll go to prison for a very long time.
  7. After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says... "I look forward to seeing you in it".
    So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.
  8. I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size Oops, wrong thread
  9. Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized
  10. Why did the emu lose all his friends when he grew a few feet taller? Because he was ostrich sized.

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Size One Liners

Which size one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with size? I can suggest the ones about large and height.

  1. What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter
  2. What Size underwear Do Feminists Wear? #Double Standard.
  3. I wear same shoe size as my girlfriend and people say we are not solemates
  4. Why is it good being an orphan Every bag of chips is family sized
  5. What size clothes do fortune teller wear? Medium.
  6. Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled? His toga size went from L to XL.
  7. I rolled my first joint last night! Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(
  8. Which part of America can't sell full-sized soft drinks? Minne-soda.
  9. How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size? In square feet.
  10. Size of matter in descending order. Molecule > Atom > Proton > Quark > x on a mobile ad
  11. What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea? Supreme Liter.
  12. How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big? Ostrich-sized.
  13. I know The Little Mermaid's breast size. It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.
  14. What is Kim Jong-Un's favorite beverage size? A supreme liter.
  15. My wife arranged the plates by color and size... It's a rare dish order

Shoe Size Jokes

Here is a list of funny shoe size jokes and even better shoe size puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package... Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought.
  • Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh? Meat.
  • The New Men's Birth Control Pill It's about the size of a marble.
    You put it into your shoe.
    It makes you limp.
  • Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but... there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.
  • Almost all of my family has shoe sizes under 9.5" So me being size 12" is no small feet
  • For sale: baby shoes, never worn wrong size
  • I FINALLY opened my shoe store that only sells large sizes. Let me tell you, that was no small feet.
  • A man asks a shoe store employee for the size of a shoe The employee replies that it's a size 9, US.
    The man asks what the Australian size is.
    "Size 6," the employee says.
  • A guy is with his girlfriend Him: is it in yet?
    Her: yeah..
    Him: does it hurt?
    Her: mhm
    Him: okay, let's find you a different shoe size
  • What did the husband say to his wife when he tried pushing it in as much as he could, but it still wouldn't fit? He said "I'm going to try on a different shoe size."

Medium Size Jokes

Here is a list of funny medium size jokes and even better medium size puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A psychic goes into a store. The shop employee hands her a sweater in size large, and she says it's too big. The employee asks how she knows without trying it on. The psychic replies, I'm a medium.
  • My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing. He was a medium.
  • I'm gonna start a company that makes medium sized pickles Not to brag or anything but it's kind of a big dill.
  • Condoms are available in three sizes: Small, medium, and liar.
  • So, this fortune teller came in to buy a sweatshirt, but we were out of her size... Let me guess. She's a medium?
  • Shirts So like, you know how there's Extra Large and Extra Small sized clothing? Why can't I get something Extra Medium, like its the most generic sized shirt possible.
  • What size does Lady Gaga wear? Medium rare.
  • Waves passed through an average-sized psychic. He's a medium medium-medium.
  • I was trying to recall what size shirt to get my friend the psychic, then I remembered…..medium, of course.
  • What size clothing does a psychic wear? Medium
Size joke, What size clothing does a psychic wear?

Size Matters Jokes

Here is a list of funny size matters jokes and even better size matters puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Does size matter? Some women say size doesn't matter.
    Some even say that they prefer smaller ones. I think that they're just shallow.
  • Saw a billboard in Rhode Island. "doesn't matter" . It was supposed to say "size doesn't matter" but the print was to big.
  • Half empty or half full? Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, the point is,, You need to buy a different size bra.
  • I assured to my significant other that size doesn't matter... when she asked "does this dress make me look fat?" and now she's furious, help--
  • My girlfriend asked me what size table cloth we should buy I told her "12x15."
    She asked, "feet or inches?" and I told her either one, doesn't matter.
    Can't wait to see which one she buys.
  • Why do some women get offended at four-letter words? Because, size matters.
  • Girls always say that size doesn't matter.... But when I wanna watch the game on a bigger screen it does.
  • People say size doesn't matter.. But I'd rather have a large fry than a small fry.
  • TIL size doesn't matter. Chicks will always scream through their lungs no matter how big the cockroach in their rooms is.
  • I learned my lesson from prison Size matters

Bra Size Jokes

Here is a list of funny bra size jokes and even better bra size puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's a pirates favorite bra size? A seaaaa cup
  • I asked my girlfriend what her bra size is. "Oh," she said. "Thinking of getting me some for Christmas?"
    I said, "No. But I tried yours on earlier and it was too small."
  • I like my bra sizes like I like my wrestlers Triple H
  • How do you know when you should stop eating? When you start wearing the same bra size as your wife.
  • Bras come in sizes A, B, C, etc. So what's the biggest bra? The Zebra.
  • This girl in my class is so Asian she gets A's on everything... even on her bra size.
  • Real definition of Zebra from Blonde's perspective What is a Zebra?
    A Z-bra is 25 sizes bigger than an A-bra.
  • What's a Zebra? 26 sizes larger than an A bra.
  • How to find a dumb blonde's IQ Take bra size and divide it by the number of times they say awesome in a sentence.
    Stolen from my hot metals teacher.
  • What's the Invisible Woman's bra size? A you-can't-C-cup.
Size joke, What's the Invisible Woman's bra size?

Cheerful Fun Size Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about size you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean scale jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make size pranks.

So a man walks in to a CVS..

and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size c**... he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your c**... size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size c**... he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".
**tl;dr - h**....**

A Woman Walks Into A Drugstore And Asks...

the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

What did the booger say to the finger?

Pick on someone your own size.

What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool?

I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!

Latvian joke.

I tell Latvian joke:
Latvian man very hungry.
He go in minefield, look for potato feed family.
Many hours, he suddenly find big potato, size of fist!
He quickly pull out pin, put in mouth, s**... whole thing.
Then he say "But why was there pin in potat "
End from joke.

A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...

"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves, but I don't know what size her hands are."
The beautiful young employee presses her hands into his and says, "I'm a 'small'. Does that help?"
"Oh yeah," he says. "You're hands are the exact same size as hers."
"Do you need anything else?" the young girl asks him.
"Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and p**...."

What's the difference between white time and black time (Warning. Dad joke)

The size of their clock.

Discipline is important

A wife calls her husband into their son's room. She says, "Look what I found under Johnny's bed!" as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cat–o'–nine–tails of every size, color, and material. "What are we going to do with him?" she asks. The father looks at the suitcase, looks at his son, and looks at his wife. He says, "Whatever we do we shouldn't s**... him."


An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

A man brought some cookies to a party...

His friend approached him later during the party. He asked for the recipe to show his wife.
"You see, the secret trick is that I put the dough in my belly button to measure out the perfect size of each cookie," he tells his friend.
"That's absolutely disgusting," says the friend.
He answers, "Oh, you're not going to like the way I make donuts then."

I went to the bank with my Dad...

because he had to get some cash. The teller asked if he wanted large bills or small bills, and my Dad replied "aren't all bills the same size here?"

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

What do the American dollar and the American dress size have in common?

Both have had to adjust for inflation.

A man walks into a bar...

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

Favorite Dad Joke

My 4 year old cousin needs help putting her shoes on.
Cousin to my dad: "Can you put my shoes on?"
Dad: "Well I'll try but I don't think they're going to fit."
(As he tries to stuff his foot into a size 3 kids shoe)


An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."

I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size.

It was a narrow "S" cape.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Waiting for... eeeeeer... someone?

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies:
- "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds:
- "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight?


Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store

1. No thanks... Just sniffing.
2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
5. Will you model this for me?
6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.
7. $85? Are you kidding? She's just going to end up *n**...* anyway!

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says...

... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear "You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"

I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans.....

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

How big was the iceberg that sank the Titanic?

Cap size

My son invited his girlfriend over.

When she left, I went up to his room and said, "Did you use the condoms that I bought you?"
He said, "We tried, but they didn't really fit."
I said, "That's OK, maybe you need a different size."
He said, "Yeah, I think she does."

Your mom is so fat and racist...

Her bra size is k**...

A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.

"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."
Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."

I call the sunshine c**... company every year at this time and request they sell Cheez-its shrunk to 1/4th their original size.

I request they market them as "Sweet little baby Cheez-its."

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

I saw biggish girl at the pub last night,

Her t shirt said "watch out I'm a man eater!"
I went up to her and said " excuse me, love ... About your t shirt slogan."
She interrupted me and angrily snapped " oh let me guess: you want to know how many man I've eaten? Well, you know what, I can't help my size."
I said "Actually, no, I wasn't going to say that at all. "
She looks happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you what to say then?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England . One of the women replies No idiot. Wales!!!!
The Foreigner is taken aback. I'm sorry, let me start over he says. Excuse me. Do you two whales happen to be from England?

A woman goes to a pharmacy and asks if they have 12 inch size condoms.

"How many do you want", pharmacist replies.
"None, just take my phone number and give it to anyone who comes to buy it".

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn't exist

Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.

In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.
It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.
One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?

A man named Rick went shirt shopping with his wife and asked her:

\- What size should I pick?
\- Pick L, Rick.
Haha that's the funniest s\*\*t I've ever seen.

A guy goes to a barbershop

The barber claims to have a new machine that can cut everyone's hair equally well.
But that's ridiculous! Says the customer, not everyone has the same size and shaped head!
The barber responds, They do afterward

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was

Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport

Brutus: Which is our boarding gate Caesar?
Caesar: A-2 Brutus
Brutus: And what time is the flight Caesar?
Caesar: 8:02 Brutus
Brutus: By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?
Caesar: Ate two Brutus
Brutus: This is an unusual paper size for a ticket. What size is it Caesar?
Caesar: A2 Brutus
Brutus (Thinking to himself): This man is really getting on my nerves. One of these days I'm going to have to kill him

My wife asked me, If I die, will you re-marry?

I replied, I don't know love, I don't think about those sorts of things.
Well If you did, would she live in our house? she asked
I said, I don't know, I haven't thought about it!
Then she asked Would you let her wear my clothes?
I replied Nah she's not your size

The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone

We'll call it the LGbtq+

What Do You Call A Man Who Takes Huge Pride Over The Size Of His b**... ?


What do you call it when a man lies about his p*nis size?

A Phallacy!

Why wife woke me this morning and said I'm half the size of Chris Evans.

I think she's confused, because I'm definitely not 3 feet tall.

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

They must be small," he says.
"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.
"Well they're old then."
"Fresh today," she answers.
"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.
The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.
"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ..."

What do you call a large pack of l**... in Alabama?

Family size

A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and p**...."

A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first

He said he only deals with known quantitties.

Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.

Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.
Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.
Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.
Wife: Will you let her use my car?
Husband: Of course not
Wife: Will you give my jewellery to her
Husband: Not at all, I have some of my memories attached to it. I will keep it as your memory.
Wife: Will you give my shoes to her
Husband: No way... Her size is '5' and yours is '7'.

If your body was the size of the Atlantic ocean, your red blood cells would be the size of the Titanic

Let that sink in

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was...

Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi


Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their b**... and not listening to them.

Always hug your enemies

Then you'll know what size the hole needs to be in your garden

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.

Wife donated her clothes for the suffering poor

Told her, 'if they fit your size, they can't be suffering too bad' ...

I advertised a python for sale in the paper

a man rang up and said What size is it?
I replied It's quite big
How many feet? he asked,
None, it's a snake...

Size joke, I advertised a python for sale in the paper

jokes about size