The Best 85 Situation Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Situation jokes. There are some situation sorrentino jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these situation bit puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Situation Jokes and Puns

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

So he walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

Situation joke, A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

A husband, so proud...

....of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of 6" rather than by her first name. The wife was amused at first.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of 6, get me a beer!" This type of situation rose to a boiling point.
Finally, while at a party with her husband, he jokingly said, "Hey mother of 6, it's time to go!"
The wife shouted, "I'll be right with you - father of 4!"
[found this scrolling through YouTube Comments]

A turtle walks into a bar

He says to the bartender 'I'd like a glass of water' The bartender gives,him the glass and the turtle goes out of the bar. That situation repeats 3 times and then the bartender thinks to himself 'I'll ask the turtle why does he need so much water'. The turtle comes in and again asks for a glass of water. The bartender asks him 'Why do you need so much water?' To what the turtle responds 'Cut the talking, there's a forest fire outside!'


Twice a Day

This guy goes to his doctor "You gotta help me. I can't stop having sex." "How often do you have it?" The doc asks "Well, twice a day with my wife." The doc says "That's no to bad." The guy says "Yeah, but that's not all, I also have sex with my secretary, twice a day." The doc says "That's a bit excessive."" and I have sex with a prostitute, twice a day" "That is definitely too much. You got to learn to take this situation in hand."
"I do," says the man "Twice a Day

So last night I fell off my balcony...

Instead of falling and getting really badly hurt, I kinda just floated down to the ground... landing without a scratch.

The news spread fast and everyone was wondering how that happened. I was later asked to explain the whole event, but I couldn't. I guess I just didn't get the whole gravity of the situation.

Situation joke, So last night I fell off my balcony...

Kermit Jagger needs a loan.

Kermit Jagger needed to take out a large loan, so he went to his bank and met with a banker named Patricia Wack.

Patricia asked, "Do you have something you can offer as collateral?" Kermit responded by placing a little porcelain figurine on the desk. Patricia was not impressed, but she went to her manager to explain the situation. The manager laughed, and replied,

"It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

Question my sexuality all you want, but I'm warning you...

Guys who rub me the wrong way often find themselves in a very sticky situation.

A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

What do you call a Vietnamese wedding?

A Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

You can explore situation stance reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean situation complicate dad jokes. There are also situation puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.

"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.

The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"

The big bed...

Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,

"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,

"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!"

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,

"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!"

The man who slept in the middle says,

"I had a dream that I was skiing!"

What do you call something that only 9 or 11 can fix?

An untenable situation

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".

"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

Eat the watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.

So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! "

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO! "

Situation joke, Eat the watermelons

Small World

A lawyer and a doctor are golfing. There are two women ahead of them that are playing really slow, so the lawyer decides to ask them if they can play through. While driving up to them, he realizes the two women are his wife and mistress! He turns around without saying anything and tells the doctor the situation. After a few more holes the doctor has had enough. He goes to talk to the women but turns around before he gets there. When he gets back he looks at the lawyer and says, "Small world."

I guess you could say the situation in Gaza...

Israeli bad. YEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

i'll show myself out.

With the situation in Ukraine...

Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and production!
- We will work three shifts!
- Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation?
- I work at morgue...


In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine...

Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came on just as I was filling the can

Putin decides to invade Poland

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.

Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost.

Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.

Putin: Rubles?!?

Fortuneteller: No, PLN.

At the hospital

I went to the hospital today for a Gastroscopy test.

In the waiting room the doctor came through and explained the situation to the four of us sat waiting there.

He explained that I was having the Gastroscopy, which is the camera down the throat.

Whilst the other three were there for a Colonoscopy, which is the camera up the arsehole. The doctor asked if we had any questions.

I said: "Yes. Can I go first?"

Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

This Vietnamese couple I knew got married...

Luckily for them they shared the same last name so it wasn't a big hassle for either of them. It was a Nguyแป…n-Nguyแป…n situation.

My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything.

You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:

---

*Michael*,

*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*

*Love, Elizabeth*

*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*

---

The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:

---

*Elizabeth,*

*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*

*Take care, Michael*

Why I won't carpool.

I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

A star walks into a black hole...

... but it doesn't seem phazed. The black hole turns to the star and says, "Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.

The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.

The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

A dad and his daughter are having an argument...

The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!".

Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".

What do you call a rock climbing cow?

A high steak situation

A Serious Issue

Alcohol poisoning is a liver die situation.

I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation

Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

This just in, giant fly attacking the city

The SWAT team has been called in to deal with the situation

I'll have you know I'm in a great financial situation.

Even my credit card company says my balance is outstanding!

I got hard during circumcision

It was a rather inappropriate situation for me as a doctor.

An old man is walking through a crowded cafeteria...

Blocking the exit is a man with 14 children.

The old man scowls and makes his way through the children, but his metal cane hits some of the childrens' legs as well as the man's legs.

The man angrily says "Hey, could you put some rubber on that tip of yours! You're bangin' us up!"

The old man haughtily replies "If you had done that before then we wouldn't be in this situation!"

A Vietnamese couple met on Match.com and it turns out they complement each other perfectly

You might say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

Deciding whether to buy gold or silver...

...is an either ore situation

Everything I pick up, I drop.

The situation is getting out of hand.

My financial situation is so bad...

...I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa.

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived the same situation...

Almost died in Finding Nemo

Being caught in a black hole is bad...

... as no one is able to comprehend the gravity of the situation

Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.

The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".

The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

Update on the crisis at the stair factory

The situation is escalating

My good deed for the day.

This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to ยฃ56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under ยฃ50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?

Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

My uncle started a cult,

...And married twenty women. People are telling me it's a terrible situation, but I think there's a lot of nuance.

What do you call a threesome with two Vietnamese chicks?

A Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

If your house doesn't have house numbers on it,

You need to address that situation.

A young man is taking a driving test

The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"



The young man says: "Well I'll go for the old hag."



The instructor shakes his head and says: "Really? You won't hit the brakes?"

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

The most common name in Vietnam can be used as both a first and a last name

I guess for them, it's a Nguyen Nguyen situation

Should I beat my kids?

I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated

My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.

But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And with the lockdown in place we can't get out the house either, which doesn't help the situation

Anyway, I just really wanted some advice before I take drastic measures, because I'd really like to enjoy playing Mario Kart normally again without letting them beat me

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

A man and his wife checked into a hotel.

An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.

Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."

Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "

Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."

My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.

So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."

Then she smiled, so I punched her.

"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.

"It's what my dad would have wanted," I told her. "He always said it's important to strike a happy medium."

So I was making a joke about the current situation in Hong Kong.

๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ญ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜•๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ข๐˜ญ ๐˜Š๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜จ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ด ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜Š๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฎ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜—๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜บ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜Š๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ข.

Is Prince Andrew worried about his current situation?

No, he isn't sweating it at all.

My donkey just ate the last of my French bread

It's a pain in the ass situation

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

At a bar in Saigon two sisters approached me and asked which one I'd rather sleep with...

...it was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...

The mute guy says

What are you guys having to drink?

The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him

How come you just spoke if you're mute?

The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard the supposed mute guy. He asks them,

Wait how come you just spoke when you're mute AND he just heard you when he is supposed to be deaf?!?

The bartender says,

Hey who's that drunk guy talking to?

A blonde is walking past a pasture

Being curious about various farm animals and seeing a farmer nearby she asks him "How come those cows don't have horns? I thought cows have horns." Farmer, happy to explain the situation to polite woman nods and says "You see miss, we often remove horns from cows. That way they don't get into accidents, don't hurt each other, don't get tangled into branches or fences or simialr. We do that by either sawing them off of putting a drop of acid on the horns when they are still young so they don't grow. But those particular cows don't have horns because they are horses."

Do you know why women and children are always evacuated first in any emergency situation?

So that all the men can think and come up with a solution in peace and quiet.

Source: my dad (to me on International Women's Day)

Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

Before my surgery the anesthetist offered to knock me out....

Before my surgery the anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.

very old jokes, but I haven't seen them here before

A male bovine has unfortunately just swallowed a ticking time bomb. How would you describe this situation in one word?

Abominable.

Five minutes later the bomb has detonated leaving little beyond a small hole in the ground. What one word describes the new situation?

Noble.

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

Probably unoriginal, thought of this over dinner

What do you call a hypothetical situation where two men in wheelchairs, wielding guns face each other, ready to fire?

Well you can't call it a stand-off, that's for sure.

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I've started a dating site for chickens.

It's not my full-time job, I'm just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I don't have the capacity for raising kids.

He can be a real live wire sometimes.

A police officer called the station on his radio.

I have an interesting situation here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

Have you arrested the woman?

No, the floor's still wet.

My Vietnamese friend killed two birds with one stone

I guess that's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

My two Vietnamese friends were fighting but they made up

It's a Nguyen Nguyen situation

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the situation plight jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working situation explanation piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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