Sitting Toilet Jokes
74 sitting toilet jokes and hilarious sitting toilet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sitting toilet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Sitting Toilet Short Jokes
Short sitting toilet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sitting toilet humour may include short toilet seat jokes also.
- I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.
- My four year old cousin told me: Home is where you can sit on the toilet as long as you want.
- There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet. He solves cases by process of elimination.
- Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my recent divorce. At first I thought I thought I was in for a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.
- that awkward feeling. when you are sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door and your boss walks in... and your pants are up.
- Every morning I tell myself, "You have so much within you. You can do it!" And then I sit on the toilet.
- What's the difference between broadway and sitting on the toilet? On Broadway you're trying to make a splash!
- What's the difference between a motorbike and a toilet? In the first case you sit and run, in the second you run and sit.
(incredibly nobody ever wrote this one before, credits to dad) - Can you get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat? Yes, if you sit down before the guy in front of you is finished.
- I can usually hit the toilet when I take a leak standing up... But when I've been drinking, it's sit or miss.
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Sitting Toilet One Liners
Which sitting toilet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sitting toilet? I can suggest the ones about toilet and toilet bowl.
- The steps involved in constipation: 1) Sit on the toilet.
There is no number two. - What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat? Shrivel me timber!
- Toilet seats can give you STD's... ...If you sit down before the person stands up
- I wanna teach everyone here how to sit on a toilet. But first...
- I am sitting on the toilet with the squirts. Yes. This is a shitpost.
- Where does Sean Connery sit? In the toilet.
- What's blue and sits on the toilet? A police man doing his duty.
- Confusious say "Man who eat many prunes sit on toilet many moons."
- I saw a bear sitting on a toilet today. Must have been Winnie the p**....
- what do you call a rapper sitting on the toilet a c**...
- Angelina Joilet Angelina Joilet sitting on the toilet
Silly & Ridiculous Sitting Toilet Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about sitting toilet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean flushing toilets jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sitting toilet pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are sitting n**... in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings.
The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.
In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.
The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a fax," he explains.
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, "Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world."
Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the toilet.
He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy.
He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the v**... all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Every morning before school mom would give me 8 quarters for lunch.
.. and every evening I'd sit on the toilet trying to pass them.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cowboy is sitting in a saloon...
when he looks out the window and notices his horse has been stolen. He turns around and shouts out to the rest of bar, "Alright, looks like one of you mangey dogs done stole my horse. Now, I'm going to go take a leak. And when I get back, my horse better be back outside... or else I'm going to have to do what I did back in El Paso... and I don't want to have to do what I did back in El Paso.
So he gets up, heads off to the toilet and when he returned, sure enough, his horse was t**... outside right where he had left it. As he was saddling up some of the people from inside the bar came out, "Hey, stranger. What was it you did in El Paso that you didn't want to do again?"
"I walked home."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men,one German ,one Japanese and a Texan were sitting n**... in a sauna.....
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting n**... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German, a Texan, and a Japanese man are all relaxing in a sauna, completely n**...
They sit in silence, until a loud beep is heard. The German steps out of the sauna and returns a few moments later.
"What was that?" the Texan asks.
"I have had a beeper installed in my arm. We Germans are a very advanced country, you know."
The Texan smiles and nods. A few minutes later, they hear a ringing sound, and the Japanese man brings his wrist up to his mouth.
"Moshi moshi?"
After he's finished talking into his wrist, the Texan says "Don't tell me you have a cell phone inside ya."
"That I do" The Japanese man replies. "We too are a very advanced country."
The Texan smiles and nods, then excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Upon his return, the other men point out a long strand of toilet paper hanging from the Texan's buttcrack. Without skipping a beat, he remarks
"Oh my, looks like I got a fax comin' through!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Instructions for cleaning the toilet
**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and s**... it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying herself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed she will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
One night, a man got a little drunk...
One night, a man went to a bar. He got a little bit tipsy (he was smashed) and realized that he desperately had to use the bathroom. He walked up to the women at the bar and slurred out the words, "Excuse me, where is your nearest restroom."
The women advised him, "It's right down that hall to the left."
The man stumbled down the hallway, and in his drunk position, took a right rather than a left. Sitting inside of the room he had opened was a great, golden toilet. So, he did his business in it.
The next day when he woke up, he could only remember one thing: That toilet was so comfortable! So, he decided: he would go back to that bar and he would buy that solid gold toilet today!
He walked into the bar and talked to a different bartender, "Excuse me sir: Yesterday, I came in here and I used the most comfortable, solid gold toilet I have ever sat on! I demand to buy it off of you!
The bartender chuckled and yelled to the back hall: "Hey Charlie, I found that guy that took a dump in your tuba!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having s**... with a blonde is kinda like sitting down onto a warm toilet seat.
Having s**... with a blonde is kinda like sitting down onto a warm toilet seat. It feels nice, but you gotta wonder who was there before you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church. He stumbles along, talks with the statues and finally enters the confessional where he sits down quietly on the chair. The priest patiently waits for him then coughs a bit but he gets no reaction. He waits a little while longer and knocks in the wall, finally drawing the drunk's attention:
-Stop the knocking, fool, there's no toilet paper in here either!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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The p**...
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."
Billy says: "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone p**... yet."
Mother says, "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says, "It works for ketchup."
A guy was barely sitting down in the toilet when
he heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you? '
Not being the type to start a conversation in the restroom, he answered, somewhat embarrassed, ' Doin ' just fine! '
And the other person says:
' So what are you up to? '
What kind of question is that? At that point, he was thinking this is too bizarre so he said: ' Uhhh, I ' m like you, just sitting here. '
At this point he was just trying to get out as fast as he could when he heard another question: ' Can I come over? '
Ok, the question was just too weird and he figured he could politely end the conversation by saying: 'No........I ' m a little busy right now!!! '
Then the person said, nervously:
'Listen, I ' ll have to call you back. There ' s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!! '...
Interestingly enough, you can get STDs from a toilet seat…
But only if you sit down before the other guy gets off.
Source: QI
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Guys, you CAN catch AIDS from a toilet seat!
If you sit down before the other guy gets up.
Is it true that you can get an STD from public toilets?
Only if you sit down before the last guy has gotten up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Scientists have discovered a new way to get AIDS from toilets
You sit down before the other man is done.
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I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".
Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is in the doctor's office:
"Doctor, can I get AIDS from sitting on a toilet seat?"
"Well yes, but only if you sit down before the last guy gets up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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New study shows you can get h**.../AIDS from toilet seats in public restrooms
By sitting down before the other guy gets up
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Get AIDS from a toilet seat
A patient says, Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?
The doctor replies, Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.
An old man went to a store to buy laxative...
He ask the clerk:"How strong is the effect of this laxative?"
Th clerk says:"There is a public toilet 50 steps away from this store, if you take the laxative now, exits the store and run straight there, as you sit down on a toilet your poops will be pouring out."
The old man seem satisfied, he bought the laxative, took it and exits the store.
After 5 minutes, he returned to the store.
The clerk asked:"What happened? It didn't work?."
The old man answered:"No, it works fine. I am just here to tell you the public toilet is actually 52 steps away."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know guys can get STDs from public toilets?
All you have to do is sit down before the other guy gets up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was sitting on the toilet.
So, how do you think they determined what size cross to nail jesus to?
Prophet sizing
Baduntsss
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A man walks into the bar toilet, chooses a cabin, sits on the seat. He sees someone else's feet in the next cabin..
..not minding him and trying to evacuate his bowels, suddenly, the man right next to him says "Hi..". Our protagonist, startled by this totally unexpected awkward salutation responds "hi?"... then the man continues "how are you doing?" our man answers "doing fine, how about you?"... the other man says "what are you up to?" ... our protagonist says "well, I came here to drink a beer after work, and you?"... the other man then says, "sorry honey, I have to hang up. this idiot in the other cabin keeps answering my questions."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three old guys are sitting around talking.
One subject leads to another, when the subject of pain comes up.
First guy says "you ever zipped your f**... into your jeans? That's pain.."
Second guy, "that's not pain, you ever had the t**... and went to jump on the toilet in a hurry and trapped one of your nuts between your leg and the toilet seat??"
Third guy says "That's nothing, you ever been out in the woods hunting, went to go squat behind a tree to do some business, and accidentally dropped your nuts on to a bear trap?"
First two fellas cringe, interrupt, and start agreeing that's probably the most painful thing they've heard.
Third guy, "that's not pain... Pain is when you run out of chain."
So I went to the gym the other day and instantly lost 3kg!
So glad my gym has an in-house toilet.
Currently writing this as I'm sitting in my gym's toilet. I'm here every other night, thank you.
A man visits a a lovely old couple for dinner.
The man sits down after the table has been set. The man looks down and says, "these dishes are still dirty!" The husband says, "they are as clean as creek water gets 'em!"
The man then goes to the restroom and sees the disgusting toilet bowl, he comes back saying, "do you ever clean around here?" The husband again says, "that's as clean as creek water gets 'em."
Finally the man decides to head to bed and goes into the guest bedroom to find a dog laying on the bed. He comes out yelling, "I am not sleeping with a dog!" The husband looks over and shrugs, "that's just ol' creek water, he never hurt no one."
I like thinking about how to solve mysteries while I'm sitting on the toilet
I'm de-deucing
What can be said about both doing logic puzzles and sitting on the toilet?
They involve process of elimination
Girl:International toilet day and international men's day are on the same date! What a coincidence...
Boy:this is because you ll sit on both of them
The TSA is like a paper toilet seat cover
They probably don't actually do anything, and experts say they don't really make us safer, but do you really want to sit on a public toilet (or plane) without them?
(Translated from Estonian) A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he had found a place to sit down, he suddenly feels an urge to pee.
But he just can't leave the beer on the table, somebody would drink it. He also can't take the beer to the toilet, that would just be weird.
So, he suddenly had an idea to leave a sign next to the beer. The sign said: "I spit in here".
When he got back from the toilet, he found another sign: "Me too".
Women complain about men sitting on the toilet too long.
What kind of king doesn't sit on his throne?
P.s. sorry if this is unoriginal. It sounds too good to not be taken.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work.
I was thinking, " I don't have time for this s**...!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I wrote a song about "sitting on the toilet for a pee, but while I'm here, I might as well have a p**..."
It got to number two.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…
Scared the s**... outta me.
A woman goes to the Doctor about her constipation 'It's making me really uncomfortable' she says 'I just sit on the toilet for 6 hours ... and nothing happens'
'6 hours!?' The Doctor asks 'Are you taking anything?'
'Usually just a book' replies the woman
A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.
"Excuse me," he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, "Did I step on your foot when I went out?"
"Yes you did," says the lady angrily.
"Oh good," says the man, "that means I'm in the right row."