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Sitting Smiling Jokes

91 sitting smiling jokes and hilarious sitting smiling puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sitting smiling that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Sitting Smiling Short Jokes

Short sitting smiling jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sitting smiling humour may include short sitting on face jokes also.

  1. A guy sits down on a stool and asks the bartender for a Rittenhouse The bartender smiles and hands him a chaser and 4 shots.

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Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about sitting smiling can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of sitting smiling puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Hilarious Sitting Smiling Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about sitting smiling you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean beautiful smile jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make sitting smiling prank.

A doctor walks into a room full of patients at a mental institution, takes out a pen, and draws a door on the wall. He then tells all the patients that whoever wants to escape, should use that door. Immediately they all rush towards it, but of course cannot go through. However, one patient sits still in the back with a smile on his face. He has not moved at all. The doctor thinks he must be cured. He then asks the patient why he did not rush to the door, and the patient whispers, "They don't know that I'm the one who has the key."

An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder.


The drunk guy just ignores him.
After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down.
He notices that the alien has no genitalia.
He then asks "You guys have no genitalia, how do you guy have s**...?"
The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.


After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Then she said, "First Question was which tire was flat?"

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

So he walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Little Johnny Has A Question

A boy comes home from school one day looking for his father. He has an assignment that he needs a little help with. He finds his father and tells him that he has to write a paper explaining the difference between potentially and actually.
His father says to him "That's an easy one", "Go upstairs and find your sister; ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000."
So the boy does as he is told. When he comes back down he tells his father what he learned. "She said yes, dad." "So," said his dad "Find your mother, now, and ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000 as well."
The boy does as he is asked, and then returns to his father again.
"She said yes too, dad." "Well, there you go." said the dad.
The boy looked at his father, puzzled.
He smiled, "Potentially we're sitting on a gold mine; but, actually I live with a couple of w**...!"

n**... Wife's New p**...

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless p**... in an attempt to spice up her dead s**... life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless p**...?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

Recreational tampons...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

One day a dad gets a call and is told his son has been using dirty language.

When he gets home that night, he sits down with his son.
"Son," he says, "You know this isn't acceptable behavior. Now I want you to tell me all the dirty words you know."
His son says "Well Dad, I know the S word, I know the B word, and I know the M word."
His dad asks "What's the S word?"
His son says "s**...."
The father is taken aback but pushes on. He asks "OK, what's the B word?"
His son says "Bad."
His father is starting to feel relieved and a faint smile is playing at his lips. With a kind, fatherly smile he asks "And what's the M word?"
His son says "MotherwhoringSpicnigger."

A man goes over to his girlfriend's house..

But when he arrives her friend answers the door, she tells him to sit down, he does, she then starts talking about s**..., how much she likes him, and finally, that they should cheat on the girlfriend. The man stands up, and with a blank face, walks outside. At his car is his girlfriend, who runs up to him and tells him, "I trust you." He smiles as they drive off.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car

There's these two Irish guys...

And it's St. Patty's Day, so the two are getting blasted. In their drunken stupor, they strike up a conversation.
The first Irishman goes, "Hey there Laddie, where are ya from?"
The second one replies, "Oh me? I'm straight from Ireland!"
The first Irishman smiles brightly, "NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
The two Irishmen down their drinks and keep chatting.
"Well, where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin!"
"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
Again, they down their drinks as their excitement (and drunkenness) increase.
"Well, did you know Ol' Johnny Brennan?!?"
"He was one of my best friends!"
"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
While the two Irishmen are finishing their drinks, another partron comes and sits at the bar. When the bartender comes over, the newcomer says, "How's it going Mickey!"
Mickey, the bartender, replies, "Pretty good, pretty good. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Are you a boy or a girl?

A young boy and girl are sitting in a bed, the boy asks the girl: "Are you a boy or girl?"
"I don't know" she giggled.
"I can check for you if you want" he smiled.
"Okay"
He went down under the sheets and she began giggling again as he came back up.
"You're a girl!"
"How do you know?"
"You're wearing pink socks!"

Ugly Woman in the Park

A young man was sitting on a park bench when a hideous middle aged woman walked by. 
The poor crone had two children with her, a young boy and a baby girl. 
The young man smiled at the lady, gestured to her children, and asked if they were hers. 
The woman replied that yes, they were indeed her children and thank you for asking.
The young man remarked that they were beautiful children, and asked if the boy and girl were twins.
The ugly woman was a little taken aback, but thanked the man, and asked him why on earth he thought that they were twins, given their obvious age difference.
The young man replied,
"I just can't believe that you got laid twice!"

A crusty old biker walls into a bar..

..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome...

...One held a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people passed by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar holding the Cross.

The Pope came by and stopped to watch the number of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. The Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just to prove a point."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turning to the beggar with the Cross, said, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

$200

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night...

One night, my dad kicked the door open to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.
"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.
"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it."
When he closed the door behind him, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on f**... myself

Three women are sitting in a bar discussing who is looser…

The first one says "My husband can fit his fist inside me".
The second one says "My husband can fit both firsts inside me".
The third one just smiles and slides down the bar stool.

Two old Jewish women sit down at a local restaurant to catch the early bird special...

Their waiter takes their orders, brings out the food, and then goes to wait on a different table.
Five minutes later, he decides to check in on the two women.
He comes up to their table, and with a bright and chipper smile asks:
"Good evening ladies, is *anything* alright?"

A black man gets lost on an indian reservation

So he stops at an old general store for directions. Upon pulling up to the store he is met by an old, wise Najavo man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch. He approaches the man and asks "excuse me, but how do I get back onto the interstate?"
The old sage thinks for a moment, and in traditional Najavo style he points with his lips instead of his hands. "Go down that road, take a left, past the barn. Ya can't miss it"
The black man smiles and decides to play along. "I get it. Down that road, left, past the barn", he says proudly, pointing with his lips.
"No", replies the indian. "Not that far".

Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

a man walks into a bar

he sits down and orders 3 double vodkas, the bartender asks 'rough day ha?'. to this the man replies 'yea. i just found out my older brother is gay'. the bartender smiles sympathetically and services him his drinks.
the next day the same man walks into the same bar and orders the same drinks the bartender asks 'what happened this time' the man replies 'my younger brother just came out of the closet'. the bartender gives the same smile and gives the man his drinks.
the next day the same man walks into the same bar before he can say anything the bartender asks 'christ man doesn't anyone in your family like women?' the man replies 'yes my wife'.

A little Johnny...

One day in math class little Johnny's teacher asked him to look out the window, where three birds were sitting on a fence. She then asks "Johnny, if I shoot one of those birds how many are left?" Johnny replies "None, they would all have flown away when they heard the gun shot." The teacher smiles and says "The correct answer was two, but I like the way you think."
Johnny looks at the teacher and says "I have a question for you." "There are three women in an ice cream shop and they all have an ice cream cone, one is l**... it, one is biting it, and one is s**... it, which one is married?" The teach thinks about it a bit and says "The one s**... it." Johnny looks at her and say "The right answer was the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

A slightly translated Dutch joke

This is a Dutch joke where the dialog is spoken in English:
A Dutchman and an Englishman are sitting next to each other on an airplane. They start to make small talk and the Englishman asks the Dutchman what he does for a living.
The Dutchman proudly says "I f**... horses!" (f**... == breed)
Shocked, the Englishman exclaims "Pardon?!?"
The Dutchman smiles and replies, "Yes! Paarden!" (Paarden == horses)

Tough Kid

An 8 year-old kid is sitting on a swing, eating jelly beans, in a playground in South Philly. This man walks by and says, "Hey kid, you shouldn't eat candy. It's not good for you."
Kid looks up and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 95?"
"Yeah, and? He ate a lot of candy?"
Kid smiles and says, "No. But he knew how to mind his own f**...' business."

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"

Pregnant Lady on the Train

A young boy ride's the train every morning to and from school. One day as we was getting off the train he saw how much of a rush this one pregnant women was in, so he stepped aside and said "after you ma'am," as he stepped aside and let her step off the train. From that day on they began to sit next to each other every single day, twice a day. They told each other about their days, their families, their problems, and their goals. They eventually got so close that the young boy was invited to the hospital just after the birth of her first child. at this moment she turned to the young boy and said, with a smile, "I'm going to name him after you"
Excited but a little bit confused the boy responded:
"I really appreciated that, but he's your child, I think you should name him first"

A woman is reading Cosmo ...

A man boards a plane and sits down next to an attractive blonde woman reading Cosmo. He asks if she found any interesting articles. She goes on to say she just read about the world's greatest lovers. She tells him that Germans last longest in bed, the French are the best kissers, and Native Americans give the best back massage. She looks up from her magazine, smiles and asks the man his name. He stutters for a minute and blushes "err my name is umm ... Hans-Jacques-Running Bear".

Don't Eat Too Many Lollipops

A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Johnny asks, "Why?" His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!" The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

A Rich Woman And Her Butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

Guy sitting in a graveyard

A man works at a graveyard, but he still gets the chills when he is around gravestones. The grave keeper passes by the graveyard one day and sees a man just sitting next to a couple of gravestones. He walks up to the man and asks him, Aren't you scared in this place?"
The man looks at him and smiles, Scared? Not really, I'm just glad to be out of that hole."

Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

Einstein is it and starts counting. Pascal immediately runs off and hides. Newton just stands there and draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square and sits there waiting for Einstein to finish counting. When Einstein finishes counting, he immediately sees Newton, exclaiming, "You're it!" Newton only smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

Three girls are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are

The first girl says "I'm so loose my boyfriend can get three fingers inside of me". The second girl says "I'm so loose MY boyfriend can get his whole fist in me." The third girl just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

A Nun walks into a construction site

An older nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
And so, she decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down. "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
"Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

Husband Wanted

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

"Get in," I said to the p**....

"Hey," she smiled.
I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."
"Selling my body for money?" she asked.
I said, "No, sitting in a car with a m**...."

A man is walking down the street...

And he sees a gnarled, wrinkled little old lady sitting on her porch. He starts to just keep walking, but he notices that the lady has a huge charismatic smile on her face.
The man walks up and says to her "Excuse me, I Couldn't help but notice how vibrant you look. Can you tell me what you've done to maintain what appears to be such a youthful exuberance?"
The lady responds "Sure, I get up every morning and smoke 2 stogies while I have my coffee with bourbon. Then I have some sausage for lunch, smoke some cigarettes and sometimes a joint before I b**... one of the guys I hang out with."
The man says "Oh my god, we've got to get you on tv! You've lived a long healthy life living like that! Exactly how old are you?"
The woman says "24."

I met a little boy today.

He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.
I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.
I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"
As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his cheeks still wet. He managed to crack a small smile.
"Yeah. What gave me away?"
I leaned in close and whispered,
"Your parents."

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!" 
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!" 
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"

A lady is giving birth in the hospital...

A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the doctor. The doctor turns back toward him, smiles and says: "Don't worry, it's just contractions.".

Timbuktu

Two gentlemen are sitting at the pearly gates waiting to speak with St. Peter. St. Peter asks them both to recite a poem using the word Timbuktu.

They sat there for a bit and the first guy says "While sitting on the ocean shore, listening to the ocean roar, I saw a ship passing through, it's destination, Timbuktu." St. Peter smiled and allowed him through the gates.

The second guy was having a very hard time coming up with a poem. After a long while he finally says "Tim and I, a walking we went, spotted three maidens in a tent. While they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuktu."

An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it. "Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!" Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch. The anti-semite! looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back. The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. "Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!" He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew." The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again. Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just s**... or pretending to be?" "Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

A son comes home and tells his father "I finally had s**...!"

The dad smiles, gives his son a high five and cracks oben two beers. Then he says: "Nice son. Come on, take this beer, sit down and tell me everything."
The son: "Beer is cool, but I can't sit for a while."

Biker walks into a bar...

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink.

Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel.
The pirate smiles and says, "That be the bounty on me head!"

Two men sit collecting donations on either side of the walkway leading up to the church...

One wore a giant cross on his chest, the other wore a giant star of David on his chest.
Every day people would look at the guy with the star of David, smile and give an extra donation to the guy with the cross. Every now and then, someone would toss a few cents to the guys with the star of David.
After a few months several of the congregants approached the man with the star of David and asked him - we don't mean to be rude or anything but perhaps you'd do better at the synagogue down the road.
The guy looked across towards his fellow begged and yelled - Moishe, they're telling us how to run our business!

The pregnant woman sitting across from me on the train laughed.

I asked her
"What's so funny?"
She smiled and replied.
"My baby just told me something."
I was shocked!
"Really? What did he say!"
She grins.
"Oh you wont get it, it's an inside joke."

I was sitting in a restaurant. A girl came to me and asked me if I was single...

I smiled and happily answered "yes I am!
So she took the chair that was in front of me and went back to her table with it..."

A teenager and his friend are sitting together, playing a game

The teenager asked his friend, "why do people type 'f' whenever something tragic happens on the internet?" His friend says, "people sometimes press 'f' to show respect." The teenager says, "well then, f you." His friend smiles and says, "f you too, man."

"Daddy, where did I come from?"

Seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about s**... attraction, affection, love, and reproduction.
Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks.
"Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

A biker walks into a bar...

...and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

A widow places an ad in the paper

"Lover Wanted: must not run around behind my back, must not beat me, and most importantly, must be good in bed!"
A few days later, her doorbell rings. Excited, she rushes to the door and yanks it open, only to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
"Who are you?" She asks, disappointment setting in.
"I'm here about your ad in the paper. I'd like to be your lover."
"But you have no legs!"
"So I can't run around behind your back."
"But you have no arms!"
"So I can't beat you."
Annoyed, she asks "But how could you possibly be good in bed?"
Smiling, the man says "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

When asked for her occupation, A woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher,

The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times.

Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.
Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?" 

A man goes to meet a fortune teller

As he sits down she starts: "So I see, you're a father of two kids..."
"Ha, that's a bad guess", the man replies, "I'm father of three."
The fortune teller smiles: "yes, that's what YOU believe."

Joseph Stalin is walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl

Joseph Stalin was walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl sitting in the doorway of a house. He smiled at her and said "Little girl, do you know who I am?"
The little girl gives him a blank stare.
"You really don't know? I'm the one who gave you everything you have!"
The little girl's face lights up, and she runs into the house shouting "Mum! Mum! Uncle Ivan is home from America!"

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other in bar.

They were having a casual conversation when she suddenly leaned over and asked him, "You smell amazing, what do you have on?"
The man smiled an impish grin and replied, "I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it!"

Jesus' Wife

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, `Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers asked, "Why?"
The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch."

I was walking down the street one day...

...and I saw a pretty homeless lady sitting on the ground. I walked up to her and asked if I could take her home. She smiled and said "Yes."
The look on her face quickly changed though, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

I saw a lonely young man sitting at the bar

He was softly singing to himself *21 today, 21 today*.
Feeling sorry for the lad I bought him a beer.
With a smile and a nod of the head he sings *22 today, 22 today*!

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he's needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks you ain't from around here are you?
No sir, He says, I'm from Minnesota
What the h**... do you do in Minnesota the bartender asks.
Im a taxidermist! The man replies.
What the h**... is that!? The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously I umm, mount dead animals
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar it's ok fellas, he's one of us!

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.
"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."
The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

My psychic is a wise woman. She believes that all things happen for a reason. I asked her to show me.

She said,
"In the year 3055, a time traveler will be vomiting uncontrollably in a dark room. At some point before his episode, unbeknownst to him, his time machine will have malfunctioned... This he'll only realize once it's too late."
All of a sudden, a man in a space-suit walked in. He grabbed a brown paper bag off of her desk and walked away. My psychic looked at me, smiled, and said, "that lunch has been sitting on my desk for 365 days. He thinks the year is 2019; he's late."

A guy walks into a r**... bar.

A guy walks into a r**... bar and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see some flamboyant Yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
"No sir," the guy says, "I'm from North Dakota."
"North Dakota?" the bartender asks. "What the h**... you do in North Dakota?"
"I'm a taxidermist," the guy replies.
"A taxidermist, what the h**... is that?" the bartender asks.
The guy says nervously, "Um, I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay fellas, he's one of us!"

A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.

She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"Yes"
"And do you remember the first time we had s**...?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

They must be small," he says.
"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.
"Well they're old then."
"Fresh today," she answers.
"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.
The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.
"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ..."

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.
How to spot a millionaire, am I right? he winks and smiles at the bartender
No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire
Okay - so he must be extremely charming?
Larry is actually a man of very few words
Then what on earth makes him so incredibly popular with women??
I actually have no idea - every day he comes here, he just sits there quietly, drinking his beer, l**... his eyebrows..

An old man is sitting alone on his birthday in a retirement home when he hears a knock at the door

He opens it to find a beautiful woman, immodestly dressed, smiling at him. She says, "I hear it's your birthday. Your friends here have hired me to give you super s**...."
"I'm sure you're very good at what you do, miss," the man says. "But at my age, I'll take the soup."

John's wife comes home to a dark house and her husband sitting there crying.

"honey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
John turns to his wife and says, "do you remember 20 years ago when your father caught us having s**... in the car?"
John's wife smiles at the memory and replies, "of course, that was my first time."
John looks at his wife and says, "well 20 years ago your father gave me a choice. Either I marry you or spend 20 years in prison."
"That was a long time ago honey, and your not in prison."
John again starts sobbing and says, "I would have gotten out of prison today."

A mother was sitting in the living room when her son came in crying

The mother asked him. "What happened?"
The son said. "Dad was using a hammer and hurt his hand."
The mother smiled and said. "Oh it's okay. There's nothing to cry. In fact you should have just laughed."
The son looked up, tears welling up in his eyes. "Well I laughed...."

An old woman is sitting on her porch when a genie appears

"You get one wish" he is straight to the point. woman thinks about it but she is content with her life. Just that moment her cat strolls by. With a mischievous smile she tells genie she wants her cat turned into handsome man. "Done" genie says and vanishes. And true to his word instead of a cat there is a really good looking man standing on the porch. Woman gives him an appreciative look and he smiles, leans i and whispers in her ear "I bet you wish now you haven't had me neutered."

John was at a party...

John was at a party, sitting alone. There were a lot of people, but his eyes were fixed on a perticular girl. She was absolutely stunning, dancing freely, laughing and chatting with others.
Suddenly, the girl turned her head towards John, and a smile appeared on her lips. As she started to walk towards John, his heart started beating faster.
The girl was now in front of John, and with the sweetest voice ever, she asked, "Do you wanna' dance?"
John was speechless, he couldn't believe his ears. He somehow managed to say, "Y...ya"
"Well then get out of that chair, I need to sit down"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. There is a small menu on the bar, so he picks it up and reads:

"Cheese sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $5"
A gorgeous woman is the bartender, and she comes over to get the guys order. He asks her "are you the one who gives the h**...?" The leggy blonde flips back her curly hair and silkily says with a wink and seductive smile "why yes, I am."
"Well wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

A man was reading a newspaper

when his son suddenly barged into the living room. He was all sweaty and out of breath, but had a big smile on his face. Dad! exclaimed his son, I just lost my virginity! The man put down his newspaper and looked at his son proudly. The young man standing before him reminded him of his youth, when he was a p**... with a handful of girls. The man smiled and said, Sit down, son, and let me tell you a story. The son replied, I can't, Dad, it still hurts to sit.

An Engineering Joke.

Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this moment a Uboat emerges from the depths and drives up to the beach. A hatch opens, and a man in uniform pops out. He looks at the three, raises an arm and shouts: " Heil h**...! We need fuel!"

A local congressman was sitting in his office when the phone rang.

He picked it up, said little, smiled widely, said "Thank you," and hung up the phone.
He picked the phone back up to call his mother. "Mom, it's me,"he said. "I won the election!"
"Honestly?" she said in response to the news.
"Does it really matter how I did it?" he replied.

A chicken and an egg are sitting in bed.

A chicken and an egg are sitting in bed. The chicken frowns and crosses its arms. The smiling egg gets out a pack of cigarettes and lights up a smoke.
Well... that answers that question.

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these sitting smiling jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.