Sitting On Lap Jokes
69 sitting on lap jokes and hilarious sitting on lap puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sitting on lap that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Sitting On Lap Short Jokes
Short sitting on lap jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sitting on lap humour may include short sitting on face jokes also.
- A rough, hard drinking baseball umpire was upset because he couldn't get his little boy to sit on his lap and talk to him.
After all, the son never sits on the brutish umpire. - Me: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? The hot lady at the bar: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
- Me: How about you sit on my lap and we talk about the first thing that pops up? My crush: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
- What did strippers and cats have in common? Theyll both sit on your lap if you entice them and dont like when you touch them
- I wonder... I wonder if a stripper has ever given a lap dance to a horse veterinarian to the song "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay."
- So the woman sitting next to me on a plane with an infant in her lap looks over to me and asks, "do you mind if I breast feed?" And I respond, "no thanks I already ate." Too harsh of a dad joke?
- Sean Connery auditioned for the "City Bank" commercials, but didn't get the part. Also, he only ever asked his wife once to "come sit on his lap"
- We're at the mall and noticed none of the kids can sit on Santa's lap. I'm not sure why, there's probably some Claus against it...
- How about you come sit on my lap and we talk about the first thing that pops up? What, you don't like small-talk?
- Here is a pick up line. "Hey girl, come sit on my lap and we could talk about the first thing that pops up."
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Sitting On Lap One Liners
Which sitting on lap one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sitting on lap? I can suggest the ones about sitting smiling and seated.
- I like my women like I like my laptop. Sitting in my lap, turned on, with no viruses.
- Ancient Chinese proverb: Waitress who sit on lepers lap, always keep tip.
- When I was 5, my Uncle Bob asked me to sit on his lap. It was quite touching, really.
- A woman who sits on a judges lap... Get's an honorable discharge.
- I don't believe Santa only comes once a year. With all those kids sitting on his lap.
- A woman who sits on a judges lap gets. . . An honourable discharge.
- Sean Connery only ever asked his wife one time To come sit on his lap...
- Santa Claus goes to the mall to sit on Chuck Norris' lap.
- What are the four cardinal directions? Come in
s**...
Sit on my lap
Tell no one. - How do you exorcise a d**...? Make him run a lap then do 10 push-ups and sit-ups
- My new kitty is like a Russian p**.... She likes to sit on my lap and pee on me.
Sitting On Lap Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about sitting on lap you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sits jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sitting on lap pranks.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no.
We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.”
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied,
“Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”
Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local s**.
.. club for his birthday.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
His wife starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"
Who's yelling?
There was a man who decided to attend a baseball game by himself. As he sat down he realized he wanted a soda and a hot dog. He goes up and purchases it, but as he is about to sit back down, someone yells out
"HEY, STEVE!".
The man turns around quickly and spills his soda all over his lap. He doesn't say anything and gets up in order to go get another. He once again returns to his seat with a fresh soda in hand. Once again a sudden,
"HEY, STEVE!"
Once again the man turns quickly to see who is yelling and there goes the soda. Without any response he is flustered, but convinces himself to go get one more soda. And right as he sits down,
"HEY, STEVE!"
The man quickly turns around and yells,
"MY NAME IS NOT STEVE!"
The world's greatest swordsman
A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."
Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces.
The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."
The old man says, "No. Further up the mountain is a swordsman greater than I."
So the young man climbs up the mountain to another ledge where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.
The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."
Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in three pieces.
The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."
The old man says, "No. At the top of this mountain is the greatest swordsman."
So the young man climbs up to the top of the mountain, where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.
The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."
Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly buzzes away.
"What's going on," the young man yells. "I thought you were supposed to be the greatest swordsman in the world. You couldn't even kill that fly."
"No," the old man says. "That fly is not dead. But that fly will never again father children."
Oh, Dave!
Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local s**... club for his birthday.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"
I used to sit on my uncle's lap and wiggle around and he'd buy me beer...
So one day, my dad got fed up and said... "Son, you're 35, you're old enough to buy your own beer!"
*first post! no longer a lurker
A little girl sits on Santa's lap and asks him for a Barbie and a GI Joe.
"Well little girl, you can certainly have that, but doesn't Barbie usually come with Ken?"
"Oh no, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."
A little girl sits down on Santa's lap and ask for...
She ask for a Barbie doll and a GI Joe. "Mmm," said Santa, "I thought barbie came with Ken." "No," replies the girl. "Barbie fakes it with Ken, she loves GI joe."
Birthday at the old-age home
So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous b**... blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90th birthday, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Phil looks at her and says "Please don't take this the wrong way, but at my age, I'd rather have the soup."
Santa is visiting the local mall...
And an eight year old girl is sitting on his lap when he asks: "What do you want for christmas little girl?"
"All the girls in my class have hair down there, I want it too! Can you give me some hair santa? I want to be like the rest of the girls"
On which he replies: "How about a beard?"
Why Santa got involved with Christmas
Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:
Santa: Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I'd love to see how you trimmed your (fir) … I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top.
Now, every year he has to keep doing the b**... lie he told.
A guy walks into a w**... in Amsterdam . . .
A guy walks into a w**... in Amsterdam. He sits down and a young girl sits on his lap. He whispers something in her ear. She jumps off his lap and yells, "Oh God no!" and scurries off.
The madam notices this and thinks, "Okay, this guy is a little weird." So she sends one of her more experienced girls over. He whispers in her ear and she jumps up and yells, "ARE YOU CRAZY?" and hightails it.
The madam thinks, "Okay, this guy is a freak." So she sends over her most experienced gal, I mean she's done things that 99.9999999999999% of the world has never even heard of. That gal sits on his lap, he whispers in her ear, and she jumps up and yells something n**... in German, Thai, and Brazilian Portuguese and runs away.
So the madam goes over and demands, "What have you been whispering in my girls' ears?!"
"I was just asking aboot paying in Canadian dollars."
Kids say the darndest things
An old man is sitting in his chair watching the game when his 6yr old grand-daughter sits on his lap, begging him to talk like a frog. "Why do you want me to talk like a frog?", the grand-father asks. "Mom says we can all go to Disneyland when you croak.
Mum when I was on the bus with Dad
Son: 'Mum when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
Two Monks Are Copying Ancient Texts
One of the monks begins to wonder, what if the original texts had entirely different meanings because of other monks' mistakes in their translations over the years? They decide to go find some of the original texts and find out.
One of the monks ventures into the catacombs to find one of the texts. The other monk waits outside the entrance. He waits for about an hour and begins to wonder where the other monk is. He ventures in to find out.
He hears sobbing, and moves towards the sound. He sees the other monk sitting on the ground, crying, with a book opened in his lap. He asks him why he is crying, to which he replies,
"they meant to say *celebrate!*"
Joke Time 2
To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
A madame is managing a w**... . . .
. . . when she sees a new john come in. She sends over her newest girl. The madame sees her sit on his lap and flirt a bit. Then he wispers something in her ear. She looks horrified and yells, "Oh God no!" and runs away.
The madame thinks, O.K., this guy is a little k**.... So she sends over one of her more experienced gals. She sits on his lap, he whispers in her ear, and she shouts "Are you kidding me!" and storms off.
At this point, the madame thinks alright, this guy is a freak. She sends in her skankiest gal who has seen and done every s**... act known to man. She sits on his lap, he whispers in his ear, and she stands up and slaps him in the face and hurries away.
The madame can't stand it anymore. She goes up to the john and demands, "What have you been whispering in my girls' ears?!"
He replies sheepishly, "Sorry, eh? I just wanted to know if I could pay in Canadian dollars."
I didn't realize how creepy Santa was until...
Today, when I was sitting on his lap at the mall.
A hot woman was standing in a bus.
A kid saw her standing, got up and said, "hey lady, you can sit here. I've vacated my place for you."
At this, woman got real livid and slapped the kid.
"These days you can't even be nice to anybody", said the boy and went back to sit on his father's lap.
I hated sitting on Santa's lap when I was young...
... he was just so big and I was claustrophobic.
Child's Wisdom
"A little girl was sitting on her grandfather s lap as he read her a bedtime story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately s**... her own cheek, then his again.Finally she spoke up, Grandpa, did God make you? Yes, sweetheart,
he answered, God made me a long time ago. Oh, she paused, grandpa, did God make me too? Yes, indeed, honey, he said, God made you just a
little while ago. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, God s getting better at it, isn t he? "
I thought for a long time when I was younger that my uncle was a skilled ventriloquist…
Turns out it was just an excuse for me to sit on his lap with his hand shoved up my a**...…
A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.
After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"
"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."
The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"
"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you not long ago."
The girl felt her own face and then her granddad's again, thought for a moment and then said, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Sean Connery caused a public outrage in the 1960s by coming out of his hotel room with f**... covering the front of his suit
He told a girl to sit on his lap.
What's grosser than g**...?
Sitting on your grandpa's lap while he gets hard
What's grosser than that?
Sitting on grandma's lap while she gets hard
I had the best bus driver in elementrary school?
He always used to let me sit on his lap during the bumpy parts.
You know you need to lose weight, and possibly a shave-
When you sit down at the mall to rest your feet, and random children jump into your lap to tell you what they want for Christmas.
A wife decides to surprise her husband at work.
She walks into his office to find him sitting at his desk, on the phone, with his extremely attractive secretary perched on his lap.
Upon catching sight of his wife the husband says into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with only one chair."
It was bedtime at Micheal Jackson's house
Wade didn't want to go to bed so MJ said ok how about I show you a magic trick first, will you go to bed after?
Wade agreed
They had a shower and sat on the edge of the bed in their gowns.
MJ Said ok now for the magic trick, come here and sit on my lap...
Young Wade sits on his lap.
MJ asks Can you feel my finger sliding up your bottom?
Yes! exclaims wade
Look says MJ wiggling his fingers. No Hands
When I reach home, my 1.5 year old son rushes out to the gate..
..to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrrrmmm brrrrmmm sound. His cute antics always me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease ...It's called Parking son's disease.
Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try
Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."
"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."
Johnny then frowned.
"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"
Santa Claus is a d**......
He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she's been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a h**....
A son was describing his day to his mom.
He said "Mom, today I got up from the bus to allow a pretty woman to sit down after dad made me stand up."
His mom replied "Well dear, doing a nice thing is good, so why did dad have to make you get up?"
The son said "Because I was on dad's lap and I wanted to be warm."
(Original joke, please leave a review) Barry was hanging out with his girlfriend in the park.
She wanted to be a bit romantic and decided to sit on his lap. Barry was okay at first but after a while he got quite uncomfortable. Barry, being a _gentle**man**_ would never call his gf "heavy", instead, with a smirk on his face, he says:
"Hey babe, could you get off my lap.. we're in public and you're getting me excited.."
His girlfriend replies:
"Oh really? Is it that small, 'cause I couldn't even feel it?"
To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
A young girl returns home after a bus trip with her dad
When she gets home she rushes to her mother to tell her about the trip.
After speaking of all the sights they saw she finished the story on the bus ride back:
"On the bus, daddy told me to offer my seat to a random lady so I did"
Her mother replied: "Oh wow! You did the right thing honey"
Frowning, the girl said: "But I was sitting in daddy's lap!"