Sittin Jokes
79 sittin jokes and hilarious sittin puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sittin that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Sittin Short Jokes
Short sittin jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sittin humour may include short porch jokes also.
- Some cannibals are sittin around, eating a clown... ...someone says, Does this taste funny?
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Cheeky Sittin Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about sittin you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sittin pranks.
So I was sitting in divorce court...
and I realized: its a shame a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of rabid wolves.
Yay Jack Handy.
I was sitting at my desk, trying to think of a double entendre...
...but it got really hard.
So I was sitting in traffic the other day...
got run over.
When your sitting in a Chevy and you feel something heavy
Anybody know any silly diarrhea rhymes?
I was sitting in the library...
I was sitting in the library when a black guy came up to me, asking "Where are the colored printers?" I said "Dude... it's 2014, you can use whichever printer you want"
I was sitting in a bar...
When a guy yells out, "Linda why didn't you give your mom any grandkids?" She yelled back, "Because I swallowed them all!"
I was sitting in a doctor's office getting an examination
The doctor was reading through my chart and said, "You should stop m**...."
"Why?"
"Because I'm trying to give you an examination."
I was sitting next to a woman on a flight and asked her...
>Does the airline company charge you for flying next to good looking men?
She responded with
>Yes, but this time I decided not to pay
I'm sitting in a jail cell
and it's killing me that I was arrested for something so s**.... On a dare, I robbed a kitchen supply store. Sure, the expensive knives would have been great, and who doesn't want a food processor?
But all in all, it just wasn't work the whisk.
Sitting around the outdoor campfire I chuckle to myself
My friend asks, what's so funny?
I reply, "I can't tell you out here, it's an inside joke."
Sitting Indian Style
When I was in third grade the teacher told us to sit Indian Style. So I drank a 30 case of beer and laid in a gutter.
He was just sitting there, cleaning his teeth
At work today all of a sudden this bell started going off and everyone was panicking because we thought something bad was gonna happen. Well, o**... who had been working there for a while was just sitting around cleaning his teeth, so i asked him what's up and he says, "oh don't worry about that it's a floss alarm".
I was sitting on the subway next to a fat guy and it got me thinking...
So I turned to him and asked "How can you let yourself get so fat? Isn't it hard to put that much weight on?"
"Nah, piece of cake."
How do you know if you're sitting in a gay bar?
If someone comes up behind you and offers to push your stool in
I was sitting next to this really hot thai g**... the bus and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an e**..., don't get an e**..."...
But she did
Sitting at the bar.
Sitting at the bar having a drink with a friend, I discreetly point to two old drunks sitting across from us and said "that's us in about 15 years." To which he replied...
"That's a mirror d**...."
I was sitting at a park one day just watching the children play...
I was sitting at a park one day just watching the children play.
A mother came up to me and said, "So, which one is yours?"
I looked over the playground and said, "You know, I haven't decided yet."
While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."
Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.
Was sitting at a bar drinking a margarita when...
a waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled back "I know the whole alphabet!" And we just laughed and laughed and laughed.....well except for o**....
Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone...
... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?
I was sitting in church when a guy walked in and said hi to me.
He then walked up into the tower of the church and hit his face against the large bell a few times.
#b**... b**... b**...
He then walked back down the stairs and said "See you later mate" and walked out. As he left a few fellow church goers said to me, "Do you know that guy?"
I replied, "I don't think so, but his face rings a bell"
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when...
...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."
I was sitting in calculus class, and the teacher asked us how we can ideally take the derivative of a logarithm...
I said," I like my logarithms like my women, all natural".
I'm sitting in a bar having a drink ...
... and I see man fall down. I go over and pick him up. "Bartender, do you know where this man lives? I'll give him a lift home." He tells me where he lives. I grab the guy, pull him down to the car, put him in the car, he falls into the backseat. I get to the address, pull the man out, he falls down three more times, I pick him up each time. I knock on the door, his wife answers. I say "I brought your husband home." She says "Where's his wheelchair?"
Sitting in a Bar.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?
One of them snarled at me, It's Wales, dumbo!
So I corrected myself, Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?
That's about as far as I remember.
Where will everyone be sitting at Carrie Fisher's f**...
Pew Pew Pew
I was sitting in traffic today
and I got run over.
I was sitting in a diner waiting order, when I hear,
"Does anyone know cpr?"
I said, "I know the entire alphabet!"
We all laughed and laughed...except o**....
I was sitting there with my dad when he said "Son..
"Your brother and sister always needed something to be good, but you... You were always good for nothin'"
I was sitting in the Chinese restaurant, thinking about how duckling means little duck...
So I canceled my order of dumplings.
I was sitting in my room just thinking about my life, when I started wondering how things got to be so dark.
Then I realized I forgot to pay the electric bill.
Sitting in a bar having a drink with a friend..
I casually pointed at two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "thats us in ten years"
He said "thats a mirror you d**..."
I was sitting in a restaurant. A girl came to me and asked me if I was single...
I smiled and happily answered "yes I am!
So she took the chair that was in front of me and went back to her table with it..."
I was sitting in a restaurant when...
A beautiful girl approached me and asked if I was single.
"Yes", I replied and she happily took the chair.
Sitting on a voodoo doll of yourself
Have fun getting back up
I was sitting on the bench at the playground ..a woman sitting next to me said "which one is yours? "
I said "I haven't decided yet "
I was sitting in my house in England, looking at the news
I was sitting in my house in England, Looking at the news.
Hearing about what was being done to people on british soil by Russians infuriated me. I took it upon myself to write a long scathing article about Putin, and how we should stand up to him and not takes these shenanigans any more from him.
I was about to post it online and share it with my Russian friends, but then my nerves got the better of me.
Sitting here constipated thinking...
This too shall pass.
I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl.
I thought to myself "Please don't get an e**..., please don't get an e**...."
But.....she did.
I was sitting in traffic for hours this morning.
Almost got run over twice!
I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl.
I thought to myself, Please don't get an e**..., Please don't get an e**... . But she did.
Sitting at a table
Wife: Writes a number on a piece of paper and slides it across.
Me: Crosses out and writes a new number.
#thermostat negotiations
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking.
It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.
I was sitting with my wife at a high school reunion...
And she spotted a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, do you know him?
Yes, she replied, he is my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking as soon as we split those many years ago. He hasn't been sober since.
My god I said, who could think a man would go on celebrating that long?
So I'm sitting there watching TV with my dad when commercials come on.
T.V.: *"Taco Bell's taco 12-pack says, 'my 11 friends and I are set..."*
Me: "HA! More like I'M set."
Dad: "I know, right? You don't even have 11 friends."
After sitting through the movie 'A Wrinkle in Time'
Guy 1 - This movie s**....
Guy 2 - Yup, the book is better than the movie.
Guy 1 - Which book?
Guy 2 - Any book.
Sitting here, caressing my beer that thinking it cannot know how i feel
but it can
Mr. No-One and Mr. Nobody are sitting in a tree.
Under them, Mr. s**... is sitting on a bench.
Suddenly Mr. No-One spits on Mr. s**...'s head. Mr. s**... is livid and storms off to the Cops to report him.
He bursts through the door and yells:
'No-One spat on my head and Nobody saw it!'
The officer looks at him dumbfounded and asks: 'Are you s**...?'
'Yep, that's me!'
I was sitting on a park bench wondering why frisbees get bigger the closer they get to you
And then it hit me
Sitting having wine with my girlfriend when she suddenly says ' I Love you'
I said is that you talking or the wine..
she said that's me talking... to the wine
I've been sitting, drinking and thinking.
Everything in the universe is made of whisky or not made of whisky.
I'm just sitting here all sad, crushing soda cans by myself
It's soda pressing
Sitting at a bar and a friend leans quite close to me as she get up to go to the washroom. Jees, Bill you smell good. What have you go on?
Actually, I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it!
I am sitting on the toilet with the squirts.
Yes. This is a shitpost.
Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my recent divorce.
At first I thought I thought I was in for a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.
I was sitting at home watching tv,
and I heard a knock on the door. So I went to open the door and saw a snail. I thought, w**...? , picked it up and threw it as far as I could.
3 years later I heard another knock on the door. I opened it and saw a snail again. He shouted WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!
I was sitting opposite to a stunning thai girl in the train
saying to myself "please don't get an e**..., please don't get an e**...!".
Unfortunately, she did.
So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.
So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "h**... yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the h**... do you think I am?"
I said "I thought we had already established what you are, we are just haggling over the price.
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the beer."
I was sitting in traffic the other day
Which is probably why I got run over
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work.
I was thinking, " I don't have time for this s**...!".
I was sitting n**... on the bed and the maid walked in
...finally.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!"
So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's about as far as I remember.
I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…
Scared the s**... outta me.
I was sitting in traffic the other day
Probably why I got run over
I was sitting in a Restaurant on a Table
A waiter came to me and said: Comfortable sir?
Me: No, Come for the food.
:)
I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.
The kid kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me. After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics...
So I said," When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face I'd stay that way."
To that the little s**... replied " Well, you can't say you weren't warned."
I was sitting next to Floridaman at the bar the other night when an Aerosmith song came on.
He swears it's called Loving an alligator , but I don't think that's right.
I was sitting in a recliner n**... eating cheetos minding my own business
And the Walmart manager calls the police
So I'm sitting in a recliner watching TV n**... and eating doritos, just minding my own business, really.
And then out of nowhere Walmart calls the cops.
I'm sitting in an igloo…
Guess I'm breathing underwater!
I was sitting in the courtroom the other day and my phone started to die. Luckily I brought my mobile power bank.
Anyways, I was charged with battery.
I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7.
The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him No, but I would have done that in my prime.
I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.
Her boy kept pulling funny faces at me so I said, "When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way."
The little boy replied, "Well, you can't say she didn't warn you!"
OMG!!! I was sitting in the Nordstrom bathroom stall
And had just sat down when a voice in the next stall over said Hi! How are
You?? . Embarrased, I said I'm fine? . The voice continued So what are you up to?? I said Just sitting here like you! Then the voice says Can I come over?? Thoroughly annoyed and somewhat alarmed at this point I said sorry I'm kind of busy right now! .
Suddenly the voice says loudly Sorry I'm going to have to call you back - there's some idiot next to me answering all my questions.
My new cat is obsessed with sitting on the calendar, so I took that as an inspiration for his name
I'm still doubting between Greg or Ian
