Sit Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

My penis is a gentleman.

It stands up so women have a place to sit down.

My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?

She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.

He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

I went to a restaurant.

It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo..

... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

I called Shotgun long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat.

I hate cops.

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday..

..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

I can't stand abortions

I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.

If I had a crystal ball...

I'd sit down *really* carefully...

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?

Guy #2 - I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?

Guy #1 - I'd sit very fucking still for the next hour!

A hot schoolgirl is dangerously close to flunking class...

...so she tells the teacher : "I'd do anything for a good grade". The teacher whispers into her ear : "Anything ?" She replies : "Yes, anything". With a seductive smile he says : "Well then, sit down and start studying, you lazy fuck!"

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

The toilet on the train was out of order, so I had to sit there and hold it for half an hour.

A woman who was sat opposite, looked at me in disgust and asked "Is that a fucking poo in your hand?"

Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday...

But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

PS:Not sure if this one has been on here before or not, a friend told it to me and I thought it should go here.

How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?

"No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: sure, why not! So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.


A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please."

"But you're only 13"

"Yes, but we're all going to sit on one side."

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

A boy was having suspicions that he was adopted...

He decided to sit down with his dad in the living room to express his worries.

Clearly anxious, he hesitantly asked "Dad, am I adopted?"

His dad looked quite surprised but promptly replied: "Not yet, we haven't found anyone who'll take you"

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, But there's only 13 of you.

Jesus says, Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife's hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

Jesus and the 12 apostles walk into a restaurant

and Jesus says to the waiter:

-- Table for 26 please.

-- But there's only 13 of you?

-- Yeah, but we wanna sit all on one side.

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

A man with a dog walks into a bar.

The dog shits on the floor.

The man didn't realise, so he ordered a drink and went to sit down with his dog.

A second man enters the bar and slips over on the dog shit. He gets up in shock, staggers over to the bar and orders a drink.

A third man enters the bar and also slips on the dog shit.

The second man turns to him, laughs and says Haha I just did that!

Third man smacks him in the face and says YOU DIRTY FUCKER!

My penis is a gentleman ...

It stands up so ladies have a place to sit down.

My homosexual friend recently started using Grindr

He is so excited about it, he can hardly sit down.

Kids are really unappreciative sometimes

I got my little cousin Timmy a 1000 dollar trampoline and that little shit was still unhappy!

All he fucking did was sit in his wheelchair and cry

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

Chicken for Supper

So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."

My penis is so polite.....

.....it stands up to give ladies a place to sit down.

Where does a bumblebee sit?

On her bee-hind!

As told to me by my very excited 3 year granddaughter.

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar

They are about to sit down when the bartender says: It costs $60 to sit on the chair. The priest and the rabbi say That's absurd! What's the reason for this charge? The bartender says Well the goal is to provide patrons with a sense of pride and accompliβ€”

The priest and the rabbi throw themselves at the bartender and beat him to death, because enough of the damn EA jokes already.

A Georgian boy is getting married to a Russian girl

A Georgian boy is getting married to a Russian girl and his dad teaches him how to behave on their first night:
"First, throw her on the bed to know that Georgia is power".
"Then take off your clothes for her to know that georgia is beautiful".
And then grandpa adds:
"Then sit down and masturbate, for her to know that Georgia is independent".

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

Interesting accents!

3 hefty women walk into a restaurant, and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they're done ordering he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?"

One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!"

The bartender says, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"

God is talking with the presidents.

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"

"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."


Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"

Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."

"Good, says God. "You shall sit to my left."


Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"


Trump replies: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Sex positions

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favorite sex positions. One of them says, I think rodeo would have to my favorite . The other one says, I've never heard of that one, what is it? So the first guy says, You sit on your wife's back with your hands on her boobs and say, 'these feel just like your sister's' and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds .

How many Republicans does it take to change a light-bulb?

None.

Trump lies, tells them it was changed and they sit in the dark.

My penis is so polite...

It stands up so girls have a place to sit down.

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

Why does the stool you sit on to milk a cow only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder...

Three old men talk about their problems.

The first one says,
I wake up at 7 a.m every morning with a terrible urge to pee. I go to the bathroom and I stand there for two hours and nothing.

The second one says,
I wake up at 6 a.m every morning with a terrible need to defecate. I sit there reading for four hours, and nothing.

Finally the third one says,
Don't look at me. There's no drama here, my system works like clockwork. I pee at 7 a.m, I shit at 8, and at 9, I wake up.

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"

"You treat me like a dog," said my wife....

"We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.

"Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa."

A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (Ν‘ Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘ Β°)

Three members of the KKK walk into a bar...

They sit at the back in full costume.

The first Klansman thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"

The second Klansman thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"

The third Klansman thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"

How do you cover 18 holes with one hole?

Have your mom sit down on a golf course.

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

A zoophilic, an arsonist, a necrophiliac and a masochist sit in a cell...

The zoophilic declares: "If there was a cat here, right now, I would fuck it".

The necrophiliac replies: "If there was a cat here, right now, I would fuck it, kill it, then fuck it again".

The arsonist gives his point of view: "If there was a cat here, right now, I would set it on fire, fuck it, kill it, then fuck it again"

And the masochist says: "meow".

How do you stop all the protests and riots?

Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby...

Upon arriving, he was asked to sit down as the nurse told him,

Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets five big baby boys.

The Redneck said, I'm not surprised, I have a penis the size of a fucking chimney.

The nurse replied, You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black.

Facebook is like jail

You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"

A man is at his doctor ...

... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.

The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an erection at this moment".

The man says "But I don't have an erection" "No but I do" the doctor replied.

A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all," the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.

A man was eating a hotdog...

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Immediately the little dog began to bark at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all." the woman replied.

The man picked up the dog and tossed him over a wall.

If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam,

it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher.

NSFW 16 year old boy comes back home from a party strutting and with a huge grin on his face.

His dad sees this and comments: "Well, looks like someone had a good time tonight."
The kid replies: "You could say that - I just lost my virginity tonight!"
Dad, bursting with pride at his little man, says: "Well come on over, sit next to your ole' dad and tell me about it."
The kid falls silent for a moment and says: "I... can't sit."

Two kids are watching 2 dogs making love.

The female kid asks:
> How do the dogs know when they want to have sex?


> The boy: I don't know... Maybe they smell it.


They sit and watch them a little more. And after a while the female kid asks:
>Do you have a runny nose?

A teenage boy goes up to his father

"Father I am not a virgin anymore"

Father: "Wow that's great! Lets sit down and drink something celebrate about this moment"

Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I can't sit"

Little Johnny is in English class.

The teacher is teaching and then asks Emily to stand up and state a verb and use it in a sentence.

"Walk!" The teacher says very good, use it in a sentence now.

"I always walk to school in the morning!"

She then asks Adam to stand up and use a word in a sentence.

"Teaching!" The teacher says "great example, now use it in a sentence."

"The teacher is always teaching!" She tells him to sit down and asks Johnny to stand up.

"Urinate!" The teacher uncomfortably asks him to use it in a sentence.

"Urinate, but if you had a bigger butt you'd be a 10."

A husband and wife sit down to dinner

He says "honey, tell me something that's going to make me really happy AND really mad at the same time"
She looks at him and says "your dicks bigger than your brothers"

What are the funniest sit jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Sit? Well, here are the best Sit puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Sit pick up lines to share with friends.

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