JokoJokes

Sit Jokes

144 sit jokes and hilarious sit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you ready to get a laugh? Check out our collection of the funniest sit jokes around - from "here I sit" jokes to wall sit gags, sit down comedy, sittin’ jokes, armchair jests and more, we’ve got them all! Laugh out loud at our jokes and be sure to have a seat when you’re done!

Funniest Sit Short Jokes

Short sit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sit humour may include short sat jokes also.

  1. Boy: What's a palindrome?
    Teacher: racecar
    {10 years later}
    Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome
    Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]
  2. My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what... She couldn't do either!
  3. A group of Karens are sitting at a restaurant together. A waiter approaches and asks, Is anything OK?
  4. Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus: A table for 26, please.
    Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.
    Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.
  5. My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?
    Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.
  6. These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says " I can't stand my mother in law". The other says " so , just eat the potatoes".
  7. I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.
  8. Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
    He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
    I said, "Your parents."
  9. I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7. The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him No, but I would have done that in my prime.
  10. I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat. I hate cops.

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Sit One Liners

Which sit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sit? I can suggest the ones about wall sit and stood.

  1. Yo mama so ugly When she sits on her phone, it unlocks.
  2. Two asexuals are sitting in a tree S-I-T-T-I-N-G
  3. If I had a crystal ball... I'd sit down *really* carefully...
  4. What do you call five white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.
  5. I don't get the purpose of an air filter It just sits there and collects dust.
  6. Why are european cars the lightest? because there's no Americans sitting in them.
  7. What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity
  8. Had to quit my job at the watch factory. The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces.
  9. I left some burgers sitting in my fridge since the horse-meat scandal. AND THEY'RE OFF!!
  10. What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
  11. How do you cover 18 holes with one hole? Have your mom sit down on a golf course.
  12. A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar. He sits down and drinks coffee.
  13. What did Mr. T say when he saw a fat woman sitting at the bar? "I pity the stool."
  14. Two fish sitting in a tank One said to the other I have no idea how to drive this thing
  15. If Hillary becomes president She'll be sitting at the desk Monica sat under

Sit On My Face Jokes

Here is a list of funny sit on my face jokes and even better sit on my face puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night... That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.
  • Why did Walt Disney fire Snow White? 'Cause she kept sitting on Pinocchios' face singing 'tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies'.
    *Joke's from my Dad and his friend*
  • Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face... whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.
  • One thing that Sean Connery asked his wife only once and never again. To sit on his face.
  • My father always told me, he liked his women like he liked his sunglasses. Sitting on his face.
  • What are the two main problems about being an egg? You only get laid once and the only woman to sit on your face is your mother.
  • I like my women like I like my glasses Sitting on my face
  • Why is it no fun being an egg? You only get laid once, you only get smashed once and the only bird who sits on your face is your mother.
  • Did you hear about the woman banned from Disney World? She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Lie to me, Pinocchio! Lie to me!"
  • I feel bad for eggs. They only get laid once, they only get smashed once and the only chick who ever sits on their face is their mother.

Wall Sit Jokes

Here is a list of funny wall sit jokes and even better wall sit puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Facebook is like jail You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know
  • Girls at dances who are sitting by the wall waiting for a partner are called wallflowers... So does that make men doing the same 'wallnuts'?
  • Found On A Bathroom Wall Here I sit
    taking a dump,
    Giving birth
    to another Trump
  • Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty sit on the wall?
    A: Because he wanted a photograph with Pink Floyd!
    Q: And why did Humpty Dumpty have a big fall?
    A: Because Pink Floyd did not turn up!
  • What's the difference between a jail and Facebook? Basically none.
    You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.
  • How did Humpty Dumpty get ripped? Wall-sits.
  • Written on the Bathroom Wall... *Here I sit
    Broken-hearted
    Tried to rhyme
    Couldn't even get the meter right.*
  • A child asks her dad... "Dad, what should I do if I get cold?"
    "You sit next to a wall."- the dad answers
    "Why is that?"- the daughter is confused
    "Because it's 90 degrees there."
  • What's brown and sits on a wall? Humpty Dump
  • Elvis Presley, Tupac Shakur, and Kim Kong Un go into a bar. Elvis order a Peach Brandy, Tupac ordered a Hennessy. They just placed Kim Jong Un sitting up against a wall because he's really dead.

Sit Down Comedy Jokes

Here is a list of funny sit down comedy jokes and even better sit down comedy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When blondes go to the cinema to watch a comedy, they always sit on the last row. Why? He who laughs last, laughs better
  • Did you hear the one about the paraplegic comedian? He did sit-down comedy.
  • In America they have stand up comedy... In the Balkans we have Sit Down Tragedy.
  • Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once. ** comedy silence **

Here I Sit Jokes

Here is a list of funny here i sit jokes and even better here i sit puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant "Table for twenty-six, please."
    "There's only thirteen of you."
    "Yes, but we all like to sit on the same side."
  • I went to a restaurant. It was full; no place to sit...
    I took out my mobile,
    Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
    Six couples ran away
  • My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
  • I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo.. ... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...
  • Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
  • Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were sitting at a bar talking about where they were from.
    The bartender said, "Hey - you two should write a book!"
  • My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday.. ..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.
  • I can't stand abortions I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.
  • A man with dementia walks into a bar He spots a pretty lady, sits next to her and asks, "So, do I come here often?"
  • I thought this guy on the subway was yawning. Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

Sit Down Jokes

Here is a list of funny sit down jokes and even better sit down puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea. But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here, holding my rod.
  • Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!
  • Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other. Do you know how to drive this thing?
  • There is a good chance you'll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins. Because it's hard to differentiate between them.
  • I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when... ...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."
  • I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push… He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.
  • Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn't the other? He was a little more on.
  • I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far. This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.
  • How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

Playful Sit Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about sit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chair jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sit pranks.

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may sit on my left" said God.
Then God looked at the cat and said" and what do you believe in"?
The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"
Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."
Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

Boss p**...

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no b**... Frenchman!"

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a c**....
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a c**... allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of d**..., and gives you a sense of security while being s**....

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.
Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."

Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

A cop walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub.

He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as im waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales d**...." So I ask again 'are you two whales from Ireland?' And thats about all I can remember."

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
 
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

There's so much n**... on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting on my seat."

Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.

A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive.
One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.
With that, the cowboy lifts up her dress, pulls down her p**..., and licks her bare b**.... She gets so flustered she spits out the olive and he saves her life.
As the cowboy sits down next to his friend he says, "That there hind lick maneuver works every time."

An off duty soldier took a train.

When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'
The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.
When the train reach its third stop, again the soldier stood up, the general said.' You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop.' The soldier reply.
' I want to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago.'

A Proctology exam.

A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.
The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.
Alright Brian, it's your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an e**... the doctor says.
The patient awkwardly looks back and says but my names Dan.
Doctor responds oh I know, my names Brian.

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.
Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"
Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."
Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: sure, why not! So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please."

"But you're only 13"
"Yes, but we're all going to sit on one side."

A boy was having suspicions that he was adopted...

He decided to sit down with his dad in the living room to express his worries.
Clearly anxious, he hesitantly asked "Dad, am I adopted?"
His dad looked quite surprised but promptly replied: "Not yet, we haven't found anyone who'll take you"

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife's hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.
And also that we're outta napkins.

Jesus and the 12 apostles walk into a restaurant

and Jesus says to the waiter:
-- Table for 26 please.
-- But there's only 13 of you?
-- Yeah, but we wanna sit all on one side.

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."
"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."
Johnny then frowned.
"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."

My homosexual friend recently started using Grindr

He is so excited about it, he can hardly sit down.

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.
A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

Chicken for Supper

So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Where does a bumblebee sit?

On her bee-hind!
As told to me by my very excited 3 year granddaughter.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant for the Last Supper.

Jesus: "Table for 26 please"
waiter: "But there are only 13 of you"
Jesus:"Yes but we all want to sit on the same side!"

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
s**... back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a b**...?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"

God is talking with the presidents.

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good, says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"
Trump replies: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

Interesting accents!

3 hefty women walk into a restaurant, and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they're done ordering he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?"
One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!"
The bartender says, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"

How many Republicans does it take to change a light-bulb?

None.
Trump lies, tells them it was changed and they sit in the dark.

how many Irish mammies does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Don't mind me, I'll sit in the dark. You kids go have your fun.

Confucius say: Man who f**... in church...

Confucius say:
Man who f**... in church, sit in his own pew.

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

If you ever get locked out

Sit down and talk to the lock calmly,
Because communication is key.

"You treat me like a dog," said my wife....

"We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.
"Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa."

A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

My sister told me women are better at multitasking than men. I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what, she couldn't do either

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

Three members of the k**... walk into a bar...

They sit at the back in full costume.
The first k**... thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The second k**... thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The third k**... thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"

How do you stop all the protests and riots?

Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.
The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.
The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.

A man is at his doctor ...

... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.
The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an e**... at this moment".
The man says "But I don't have an e**..." "No but I do" the doctor replied.

A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all," the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

A man was eating a hotdog...

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Immediately the little dog began to bark at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all." the woman replied.
The man picked up the dog and tossed him over a wall.

What's the worst part of thanksgiving dinner in Alabama?

Having to sit around a table with all the people you've slept with.

If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam,

it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher.

Two kids are watching 2 dogs making love.

The female kid asks:
> How do the dogs know when they want to have s**...?
> The boy: I don't know... Maybe they smell it.
They sit and watch them a little more. And after a while the female kid asks:
>Do you have a runny nose?

A teenage boy goes up to his father

"Father I am not a v**... anymore"
Father: "Wow that's great! Lets sit down and drink something celebrate about this moment"
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I can't sit"

A husband and wife sit down to dinner

He says "honey, tell me something that's going to make me really happy AND really mad at the same time"
She looks at him and says "your d**... bigger than your brothers"

A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen

\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you know that I am a honest person.
She says:
\- It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Natasha, I am a high-priced p**..., but i want to let you know that i am a v**....

jokes about sit