Sip Jokes

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.
So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.
His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.
"Yuck! It tastes awful, worse than awful!" she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go!" cries the husband. "And you think I am out enjoying myself every night!"

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

 She wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. Her husband texted back: I'm on the toilet, please advise.

i tried using an ai to generate a joke with the prompt "two guys walk into a bar"

Two guys walk into a bar.
It's just one, and he's forty.
"what will it be, sir?"
"A water," the guy says.
He takes a sip.
He grimaces and makes a face.
"That's really watery."
"Yes," says the bartender.

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, I am on the toilet. Please advise.

A lady at a tea shop

A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"
The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"

A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's lights and orders him to pull over to the side. When the cop reaches his car, the student asks:
"What am I being stopped for?"
The cop answers:
"Drinking and deriving."

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop.
How do you manage that over these stairs?
Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.
Today is Abdul's farewell party.

A boy was born without a body

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he'**... by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"

TIL: A fly will drink so much v**... it can hardly stand, but a bee will only take a little sip.

Just enough to get buzzed.

A student visits his teacher man early in the morning

And sits on in a chair. The teacher man looks up and offers the pupil a cup of coffee.
"Sure, I'll take a mug of joe," says the student.
The teacher pours a cup, and gives it to the kid. The student takes a sip, and nearly gags.
"The is terrible! Seriously! What is this, mud??"
"Well," the professor replies, "it was ground just this morning."

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him.
"Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."
The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."

A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and asks the bartender for a drink. As he takes a sip he hears a voice say, "Hey there, you're looking rather handsome today!"
He looks around but can't find the person who made the comment. So he turns to the bartender and asks, "Who said that?"
The bartender said, "The peanuts. They're complimentary."

Coffee filled to the brim

Boss : Muthu, how do you get it right? For 30 years you have been bringing me coffee filled to the brim every morning without spilling it?
Muthu: Before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.

When the computers c**... at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.

A World War II Pun

A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our Führer does not want us to have juice in our house."

A customer orders a coffee

The waiter brings the coffee and sets it on the table.
The customer takes a sip, and promptly spits it out, spraying everywhere.
"This tastes like dirt!!!" He shouts at the waiter.
"Yes", the waiter says. "It's fresh ground".

An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar

They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"

I used to have a dog that was only a head.

Very happy dog. One day I was drinking a beer and he wanted a sip. Who am I to deny him?
He had a sip and a body grew on his head! So I gave him a drink. A leg formed! Another drink, another leg, then another, and another. A final drink and he had a tail!
By now he was really drunk and I'm sure he had to pee, so I let him outside.
He staggered outside and into the road, where he was hit and killed.
I learned something that day.
It's better to quit while you're ahead.

Two guys walk into a bar,

One of them asks the bartender for a drink. He takes a sip and jumps out of the window and starts flying. He then comes back in and said to his friend, "You have to try this drink, it makes you fly."
So his friend takes a sip, runs over and jumps out the window, and falls right onto the concrete.
Then the bartender says,"Your a real a**... when your drunk Superman."

A man walks into a cafe and orders a coffee

The waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!  
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, But, sir, it's fresh ground!

Ground coffee

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, But, sir, it's fresh ground!

Doc and Marty mcfly find a mysterious bottle of purple liquor.

Marty opens it and takes a whiff. "Smells kinda like wine, Doc"
Doc grabs the bottle, exclaiming "I don't think it's wine, Marty". Doc takes a sip and spits it into Marty's face. "Grape Scotch!?"

A blonde and a brunette are taking a break

The brunette pulls out a thermos and starts to sip coffee while eating her lunch. The blonde asks what's up with the funny looking flask. "It's a thermos flask, it keeps hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold!" the blonde is enthused, and decides right away to get one herself.
The next day the blonde walks in the breakroom with a brand new thermos and shows it to the brunette. "Oh," the brunette remarks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two coffee and an ice cream!"

My grandfather used to tell me this joke

Three British kids are arguing about whose father is superior.

one says "my dad drinksba full cup hot tea in a sip"

then the other says "well my dad drinks it straight out of the p**..."

upon hearing nothing from the third kid they ask "Peter how does your dad drinks tea"

Peter struggling to find something more great says
"well my dad drinks a cup of milk takes a teapack in his mouth and jumps right into the fire"

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.

The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!  
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, But, sir, it's fresh ground!

I gave this lady a sip of my lemonade last night and she fell in love with me.

I schwepped her off her feet. :)

A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...

...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.
"Holy water from the shrine of the v**... Mary" replied the man.
The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"
"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"

I thought my new ADHD meds would help my drinking and it works.

Instead of a half dozen glasses of bourbon with only a sip or two drunk from them, I actually finish them all.

A Gorilla walks into a pub

And asks the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman pulls him a pint, and says, "That'll be £6.50 please".
The gorilla takes a sip of his pint, and the barman says to him "You know, we don't get that many gorillas in here..."
The gorilla gulps down his beer, and informs the batman, "Well I'm not surprised at those prices..."

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a single sip of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.
The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.
Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

There once was a floating head...

Being very sad that he had no body, he floated into a bar. Upon receiving his alcohol, he began to drink. Slowly, after every sip, a body started to appear from neck down. Excitedly, he ordered more and more drinks and drank them, until he finally had a whole body. After leaving some money on the counter he stumbled out into the street and got hit by a bus. The moral of the story? Stop while you're ahead.

A Russian comes into a bar...

...and orders a bottle of brandy to begin with.
The barman brings him a bottle of brandy, the Russian takes it but then gives it back to the barman asking to bring him a bottle of v**... instead.
Barman takes away the bottle of brandy and brings back the Russian a bottle of v**....
The Russian takes the bottle of v**..., opens it, swallows down all the v**..., then goes away.
B: Wait, you didn't pay for v**...!
R: What?! I gave you the bottle of good brandy instead of v**...!
B: But you didn't pay for brandy as well!
R: What?! I have not taken even a sip of brandy!

A man sits down at a restaurant...

and orders a coffee. The waiter brings it back to the man who takes a sip and immediately proclaims that the coffee tastes like dirt. The waiter responds, "It's fresh ground."

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee...

The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!  
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, But, sir, it's fresh ground!

A man orders a coffee in a cafe.

When it arrives, he drinks and promptly spits out his first sip.
'Waiter!' he calls,'this coffee tastes like it's a day old.'
'Thank you sir,' is the reply,'it's yesterdays coffee.'
The man gives the coffee back to the waiter and says: 'thank you for your honesty. I'd really like to drink today's coffee.'
Taking the coffee, the waiter says: 'we open at 10AM tomorrow, you're welcome to drop by then!'

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He took a sip of his venti caramel latte before it was cool

I decided to go to a coffee shop today

The barista behind the counter said that I should try a new but expensive brew of coffee. It was $9 but I decided to try it. I took a sip of the beverage, and almost instantly spat it out.
"Wha... This tastes like mud!" I shouted at the barista.
He turned and smiled. "It should. It was fresh ground this morning!"

A rich, dumb Husband and wife are taking their first trip on their new Yacht.

They have sailed far from the shore, and the two are sitting in chairs, looking out towards the water.
"Gee, I just love this new Yakt!" The man says.
"Erm... Honey, the "c" is silent." His wife responds.
The man takes a sip from a tall glass, before responding "you're right, it's very tranquil."

I stopped off to get some coffee on the way in to work today

I took a sip after paying and walking away from the counter, it tasted terrible.
I turned around and told the barista "hey, this coffee tastes like mud".
She replied "well it should, it was just ground this morning".

A couple of old guys sat at the bar...

Ernest pops up with a comment "George, when I was 20 years old and I had a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands!"
They sit in silence a few minutes, punctuated by the occasional sip.
Ernest says "When I was 35, I could bend it with one hand."
A few minutes later, he says "Now I can bend it with one finger!"
Another few sips and he says "George, how much stronger do you think I'm gonna get?"

Do you know what it means when you take a sip of coffee in the morning and your eye hurts?

It means you forgot to take out the spoon, d**....

r**... wisdom

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna  divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

Two Mexican body builders

have devoted their lives to power-lifting and they just found out that certain protein supplements have become i**.... Just as one was about to sip on his protein shake, the other smacks it out of his hand and yells: "No whey, Jose!"

Poor Dragons!. Have you even wondered how they drink tea?

The more they blow, the more hotter each sip gets.

A man is sitting in a bar...

and picks up a cup, taking a sip. All of a sudden, he spits it out, grimacing. The bartender, startled, asked what was wrong.
It's not my cup of tea

A man steps in a diner and orders some coffee...

The waitress brings it over and lies it on the table. The moment the man takes a sip, he spits it out, shouting, "This coffee tastes like boiled dirt!", and the waitress says, "I wouldn't be surprised, it was ground this morning."

A man was in a cafe

He took one sip of the coffee, and grimaced.
Walking to the barista, he asked why it tasted so bad.
The barista shrugged, and told him "well, it was ground this morning!"

A duck walks into a bar and says "Quack"

His psychologist takes a sip of his beer, diagnoses the duck as suffering from delusions, and tells the duck to leave his office.

A man asked for fresh ground coffee

After a while, the waiter brings the coffee
The man takes a sip and spits it out immediately.
Man: This is soil. Why did you put me soil?
Waiter: Well, you asked for fresh ground

My GF sent me a text a few minutes ago:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you!"
I texted back:
"I'm taking a dump.... What should I do?"

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

Public transport isn't as depressing as it seems. I was on a bus yesterday at six in the morning...

And this really nice guy offered me a sip from his can of cider.

How do you get rid of c**...?

You go to the movie theatre and feed them popcorn, when they get up to go get a sip of water you move seats.

A surface topologist sits in a coffee shop thinking deeply about his research...

he takes a sip from his doughnut.

My friend said he doesn't take public public transport because it's depressing. So I told him about this really friendly guy that I see on the bus who always offers me a sip of his beer...

At 6am.

A friend from New Zealand asked me to put a wedge of lime in his cocktail.

He took a sip and said "Thank you, I couldn't have made it bitter myself!"

If, by internet lingo, a long sip is called a "succ"...

Should a short sip now be called a "zucc"?

An 800 pound gorilla walks into a bar...

...the bartender, weary of the gorilla, says "what'll it be?"
The gorilla says, "I'll have a Manhattan."
So the bartender serves him up and says, "That'll be $14," and goes back to wiping glasses.
A minute or two later, after thinking about it, the bartender then says to the gorilla, "You know, I gotta say, its kind of odd...I mean, this is not something you see everyday."
The gorilla takes a sip of his drink and says, "I agree, $14 is a bit much for a Manhatten."

Husband takes his wife to the pub

A nagging wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he takes her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. Same as you I suppose," she replies.
The husband orders a couple of straight whiskies and throws his down in one gulp. His wife watches him, takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.
"Yuck, it's horrible," she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink that stuff!"
"Well there you go," cries the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"