Sins Of Nuns Jokes

A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns

So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had s**... with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"

Nuns

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a c**....
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

3 Nuns go to confession. (Semi-n**...)

The first nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been not been going to church every Sunday"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's and God will forgive you."
The second nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been performing my duties with charity work since I became a nun"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's, and 5 our fathers and God will forgive you."
The third nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been wearing p**..., and I have been having s**... urges"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's, and 5 our fathers, and five cartwheels and God will forgive you."

Four months into her postulancy to become a nun a young woman went to Sister Maria crying.

"Sister, I must leave this convent but before I go I want to confess my sins."
"Okay," said Sister Maria.
"During my time here I've slept with multiple men!"
"Shame," said Sister Maria.
"Sometimes multiple men at one time."
"Shame," Said Sister Maria.
"Married men, single men, young men, old men, one in each hole, one in each hand."
"Shame," Said Sister Maria. "If you shtill want to leave, I'll shee you to the door."

Three nuns go to a priest...

And they say that they each want to commit a sin before they die. They priest tells them to go commit their sins on friday, and he will hear their confessions on saturday. So the nuns go commit their sins and on saturday the first nun goes to confession. The Priest asks "What are your sins?" The nun says that she had s**... relations with a man. The Priest says "Go drink the holy water and your sins will be forgiven." The second nun goes to the priest and he also asks what her sins are. "She says that she participated in a t**.... The Priest again says "Go drink the holy water and your sins will be forgiven." The third nun goes to the priest and he says "What are your sins." The nun replies "I peed in the holy water."

A mother superior called 3 nuns and asked them to do a sin or something wrong...

The nuns were hesitant because they didn't want to, but the superior said it would be a lesson in confession.
Then a little later, one came back and was crying
"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior
"I picked flowers in the garden."
"Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water."
The nun did as told, then another nun came, she was also crying
"Why? What did you do?"
"I stole a candy from a kid"
"Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water."
She also did as told...
Then the last nun came, but she was roaring with laughter
"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior sternly
"I peed in the holy water!"

Arthur and the nun

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple v**... on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the v**... in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"

A priest and a nun are playing golf...

The priest is on the putting green and is an avid golfer. He lines up his shot and swings...and the ball goes far left.
"GOD d**...!" shouted the priest.
The nun, horrified, says "Father, you can't do that, that's offensive". And the priest, looking down, apologizes and asks for her forgiveness.
Once again, he walks up to the ball, lines up his shot, swings, and once again the ball misses the hole. "GOD....d**...!" screamed the priest as he threw his putter on the ground.
"Father!" said the nun, "You are taking the lords name in vain, that is a sin. You are a representative of the church you musn't do that.
And once again the priest says "Sorry. Forgive me".
"Well just try to let it not happen again" said the nun
The priest grabs his putter, lines up his next shot, misses, and screams "GOD d**...!"
The nun cries out "Father! That is enough! You are commiting a sin you are personally offending me, you are taking the lords name in vain. Never do that again"
The priest says "You're right, if I say that again, may the lord strike me dead"
And after a nod of approval from the nun, the priest takes another swing, misses once again, and screams "GOD d**...!"
Just as he says it clouds swell overhead and a powerful bolt of lightening comes down and strikes the nun dead. And the priest heard this big booming voice say....
"OH, GOD d**...!"

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple v**... on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the v**... in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

A hippie in a bus sees a very beautiful lady and he goes to the lady and asks " can I do my way with you? " and the lady replies by saying "sorry i cant so that i am a nun my body and soul belongs to the lord" the hippie then walks away and exits the bus cause they have arrived and his bus stop but gets stopped by the bus driver " you know that nun always goes to the cemetery and prays so you should go there dressed up like jesus and ask her to do your way with her" says the bus driver the hippie says okay and waits till midnight and goes to the cemetery and sees the nun praying then he put his jesus outfit and asks the nun to do her way with her and he shall forgiver her sins and she says yes but do it from behind so i will not lose my virginity and they start to make love and when they were done the hippie rips his outfit of and says surprise its me the hippie! and then the nun rips her dress of and screams surprise its me the bus~driver!