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Singles Day Jokes

114 singles day jokes and hilarious singles day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about singles day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Singles Day Short Jokes

Short singles day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The singles day humour may include short single people jokes also.

  1. Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece
  2. If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.
    First time posting, please be gentle.
  3. Study something you like and you will never have to work a single day Because you won't find work
  4. Homeless people are the most persistent activists in society. Not a single day goes by without them asking for change!
  5. Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
    Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.
  6. One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me.
  7. My brother's still single on star wars day. Apparently he's been looking for love in Alderaan places.
  8. "Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?" "Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again."
  9. Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July. The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.
  10. A paraplegic got prosthetic legs for a single day before they broke. He had a one night stand.

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Singles Day One Liners

Which singles day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with singles day? I can suggest the ones about prime day and valentines day single.

  1. Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.
  2. I named my dog 6 miles so i can tell people that i walk 6 miles every single day.
  3. Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit. baseball.bat
  4. How do single people honor valentine's day? By Celibating!
  5. What do you call a single tear on your face the day of your wedding? Eye dew.
  6. What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!
  7. If Valentine's Day is for lovers.. then Palm Sunday is for the single.
  8. If couples celebrate Valentine's Day, what do single men celebrate? Palm Sunday.
  9. I have spent every single minute of this day on reddit It's 12:10 am
  10. What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day
  11. I lost 30 pounds in a single day! All it cost me was an arm and a leg.
  12. How do you know if someone is single on Valentine's Day? Don't worry they'll tell you
  13. So today is Valentine's Day..... But if you are single it is taco Tuesday
  14. What did the 5 dollar bill day to the 1 dollar bill? Atleast I'm not single
  15. What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single.

Singles Day Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about singles day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean womens day jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make singles day pranks.

A lady puts an ad in the paper that reads: "Recently single and looking for a man that will not run away, not hit me and treat me right in the bedroom."
One day her door bell rings and there is a man with no arms and no legs at the door.
He says: "I am here to answer your ad in the paper. I have no arms so I will not hit you and no legs so I cannot run away."
She says: "What about the good in bed part?"
He says: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.

In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

Cloyd went to a Charleston dentist complaining his gums had shriveled up and his teeth were falling out.
After examining him, the dentist said, "Your mouth is really bad. Do you brush?"
"Ah sure do!" replied Cloyd. "Everee single day!"
"What do you brush with?" asked the dentist.
"Preparation H," said the r**....

My favorite part of Fall is walking through a hundred spider webs a day and screaming every single time.

After record breaking single day sales at Chic-Fil-a amid the same s**... controversy

today CEO of Jack in the Box Ted Fuller said he "hates Jews and Mexicans."

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."

My grandad shared this joke the other day

A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"

The zoo

A man was walking around town when he noticed a billboard advertising the new zoo in town. He'd been hearing all about it, and since he had nothing better to do that day, he decided to check it out. Much to the man's surprise, when he got there, the only animal there was a single dog. It was a Shitzu.

2 hearses.

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

Valentine's Day for people who are single.

For people who are sad about being single: it's called Single Awareness Day
For people who are happy about being single: it's called Single Independence Day
For people who just don't care about being single: it's just called Thursday
For people like me: I call it Date With My Right Hand otherwise known as Everyday

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"

Stand by your man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you m**...! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

A doctor had s**......

A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."

There is a single man who is blind and poor

One day an angle says the man;
Tell me your wish and i will make it happen
- i want to see my billionare son

Pregnant Lady on the Train

A young boy ride's the train every morning to and from school. One day as we was getting off the train he saw how much of a rush this one pregnant women was in, so he stepped aside and said "after you ma'am," as he stepped aside and let her step off the train. From that day on they began to sit next to each other every single day, twice a day. They told each other about their days, their families, their problems, and their goals. They eventually got so close that the young boy was invited to the hospital just after the birth of her first child. at this moment she turned to the young boy and said, with a smile, "I'm going to name him after you"
Excited but a little bit confused the boy responded:
"I really appreciated that, but he's your child, I think you should name him first"

Single? Give your s**... partner a Valentine's Day treat by having a manicure.

The Priest and the Politician

A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.
First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.
And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.

Being single in valentines day its not painful

If yo dont have a partner in valentines day, then dont be sad..
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Not every people have Aids On Aids Day grin emoticon
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Being single in valentines day its not painful, BuT
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Not Having Mom In Mothers Day, its Really Painful

Now Its the Father Problem

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

If I ever ran a tobacco company...

... I'd name my cigarettes "heretics". So anyone could burn his own heretic every single day.

Husband in coma

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."

My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful

My 11-year-old grandson spent 
a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, Someday, you're going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom's basement playing video games all day!
His reply: I can only dream.

My married friend told me, a single guy, to not worry about not getting any action on Valentine's Day

Because married guys aren't getting anything either.

My grandfather came back from the war...

...with a single arm.
To this day, we still have no idea whose it is

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

Green Day released a new politically fuelled single today called "Wake Me Up When November Ends"

T___T

I wish i was ugly for just one single day..

Because being ugly everyday just s**...!

What song do singles listen to on both Halloween and Valentine's day?

"Beat It" by Michael Jackson

Palm Sunday

A day that single men thank their palms for all the good work they did this past year...

Did you know that every single female inmate that was executed on death row was menstruating on the day of her execution?

You ask why? Because you have to end every sentence with a period.

I've been having my morning p**... at 7:15am every single day for the past 10 or so years

Pity I always wake up at 7:30!

I go to Church at least once a day, sometimes three or more times in a single day.

I am an SVU Investigator. I go where the calls are.

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet

In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a crowd...

The Pope turns to Trump and says, "Did you know that with a single wave of my hand, I can make this entire crowd go wild? Their joy will not be a momentary passing emotion either, but will live on in their hearts each time they tell someone of this day."
Trump replies, "What?! With one wave of your SAD hand? I doubt it."
So the Pope slapped him.

m**... in the jungle

A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

My grandma started walking 2 miles every single day when she turned 60.

She's 70 now and doesn't have a clue where she is.

If guys in relationships celebrate Valentines's Day, what do single guys celebrate?

Palm Sunday.

Did you know that the USSR produced the best bread in the world?

Why, people would stand in line for days for just a single piece!

So there was a m**... the other day...

A man by the name of Juan Gonzalez was killed, and there was almost no evidence left behind.
The local police called in the FBI because they couldn't find a single lead.
The FBI investigator comes to the crime scene and has the case solved almost immediately.
He was killed with a golf gun, he said.
Everyone looked around confused, because no one had ever heard of a golf gun.
He said, isn't it obvious? There's a hole in Juan!

Staying at the beach this week, and can't help but wonder how so many parts of the ocean can appear so dirty...

...when there's more or less tide in it every single day.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Chickpeas don't get reposted every single friggin day you unfunny b**....

I don't know if you knew this. But if you store your u**... in the fridge for 21 days...

There's a 100% chance you're single.

My n**... Days Are Over

My n**... days are over, my pilot light is out.
What used to be my s**... appeal, is now my waterspout.
Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job, to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.
For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang its little head, and watch me tie my shoes!

A man is depressed because everybody forgot his birthday...

A coworker notices and decides to cheer him up. She breaks into his home and smashes every single lamp/light in his home. The next day she sees him and asks, "How are you?" And he replies, "Well I'm absolutely de-lighted!"

A guy says to his friend, "Did you know that today is S.A.D., Single Awareness Day?"

His friend says, "Yeah, but I thought you had a girlfriend."
First guy says, "I do. I'm just making sure you were aware that you are single."

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn't carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. I was so excited, she told us later, that I bought two!

A little girl asks her mum

A little girl asks her mum "mummy, how was I born" Her mother smiled and replied "once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful tiny seed. Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed germinated and grew tall with many leaves until it became a lovely healthy plant. Then we dried it and smoked it and got so high we forgot to use a c**..."

I don't like the new guy my neighbor has

He's awful if you ask me. Looks alone. Kinda short and barely any hair. Then he's lying in bed all day, and if he's not sleeping he's screaming at her. Also hitting the bottle quite heavily and probably didn't work a single day in his whole life.
I really can't figure out what people see in babies.

I set Blur's Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week...

Except for Wednesdays, when I'm rudely awakened by the dustman.

Dr. Mike had s**... with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Mike."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
What's wrong with you Mike, you're a veterinarian.

A guy at work takes out his lunchbag and looks inside

He sighs and says "a tuna sandwich again? I'm getting tired of this."
The next day during the lunch break he takes out his lunch bag, opens it, looks inside and again he sighs, saying "every single day for lunch, a tuna sandwich. I really can't take it anymore."
His friend says to him "if you're so unhappy with the same tuna sandwich every day, why don't you just ask your wife to make something else for you?"
The guy replies "I'm the one who makes the lunch."

Can any redditor change a lightbulb on Valentine's Day?

Yes, since it needs only a single one to do it.

carnival is offering a single day trip guaranteed to leave all your worries behind.

It's called a Ted Cruz
Full credit to my dad who just texted me this.

The secret to a good marriage

It was grandparents day at school.
"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.
"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now. So I asked him , what was his secret. He looked at me, thought a bit and began. son there only one single thing to a good marriage...."
The whole class seemed to hold their breath. Everything seemed to stand still.
" And when I find out what that is, I will get married again".

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day...

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

I wish I was single for just one day of my life

Cuz being single my whole life is exhausting

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'
He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'