Single Woman Jokes
93 single woman jokes and hilarious single woman puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about single woman that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Single Woman Short Jokes
Short single woman jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The single woman humour may include short single girl jokes also.
- A woman is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The male cashier says: "You must be single." He got fired.
- A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?" "It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.
- What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
- (NAME) spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him.
Share These Single Woman Jokes With Friends
Single Woman One Liners
Which single woman one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with single woman? I can suggest the ones about single man and single people.
- What do single male zombies look for in a woman? Brains.
- What do you get when you date a 28-year-old single woman? Two Kids
- My Ideal Woman is a Single Mother ...once I've finished with her.
- Q.) What would a size 60" waist be in woman sizes? A.) SINGLE
- It's hard to find a good woman . * Smart
* s**...
* Single
* Sane
Pick three - White woman has a baby with a black guy.... And she becomes a single mom.
Single Woman Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about single woman you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean single ladies jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make single woman pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play t**...." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
One woman to another at a singles bar: “I’m not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, 'Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?'”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
“I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.”
The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.”
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.”
She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”
Never question a drunk!
A 37 year old woman at the super market says: NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK . . . . I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found "Mr. Right." I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.....
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...
The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.
He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"
Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"
Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're f**...' ugly!"
Some marriage jokes (closer to facts)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Pleasing Women
Three women go on vacation to an extravagant resort.
Upon arrival, the manager tells them, "we actually just opened a new building for single women, such as yourself! It has four stories, and you get to choose one of which you will stay in. Each floor has different types of men, and there will be signs at the entrance to each story, telling you what types you will find."
Figuring that it would be a fun adventure, they agree to these terms.
The women get to the first floor of the building. The sign reads "The Men on This Floor are Short, Pale, and Ugly".
Not seeing a reason why they would want to stay there, they proceed to the next floor, where they see a sign that reads "All Men on This Floor Are Average In Every Sense".
They begin to see a trend, and proceed to the next floor, wondering if their luck will improve.
The sign on the third floor reads "All Men on This Floor Are Tall, Dark, and Stunningly Handsome".
The women begin to get excited. They realize that this would be a wonderful floor to stay on, but curiosity gets the best of them, so they press on to the fourth and final floor.
Upon arrival to the last floor, they find a sign that reads
"There are no men on this floor. This floor was built with the sole purpose of proving that there is no way to please a woman."
Always there for you.
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Financial planning
Roy was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.
You just can't please them
So three women were walking through town, when suddenly they spotted a building named, "Free Single Men". Desperate for love, the three women go inside. In the lobby, there stood a man who said (while pointing at an elevator across the room), "This building has 5 more floors. Each one with a different kind of man. Enjoy". The women proceed to enter the elevator. When they got to the first floor, a sign read, "This floor contains short, fat men". The women then went to the second floor. There a sign read, "This floor contains short, skinny men". The women then went to the 3rd floor, where the sign read, "This floor has tall, fat men". Then they went to the 4th floor, where the sign read, "This floor contains tall, skinny men". But when they got to the 5th floor, it was empty. The only thing there was a sign that read, "There are no men on this floor. This floor was created to prove the fact that there is no way to please a woman.
Three women on vacation come across a tall
building...
Three women are on vacation and they come across a tall building with a sign that says "Women Only." The women ask the doorman about it. The doorman says, "This building is full of single men waiting to get married to the first woman who walks through the door. Each floor's men is better than the last. But be careful, because once you leave a floor, you can't go back."
The women all decide to go into the building.
On the first floor, there's a sign that says "All the men on this floor are ugly and poor." The women laugh and move on. The door closes and locks behind them.
On the second floor, the sign says, "All the men on this floor are ugly and rich." The women agree that it's an improvement, but move on. The door closes and locks behind them.
On the third floor, the sign says "All the men on this floor are handsome and poor." The woman like that, but move on to the next. The door closes and locks behind them.
On the third floor, the sign says, "All the men on this floor are handsome and rich." The woman get really excited, and race up to the next floor. The door closes and locks behind them.
The fourth floor is completely empty except for a sign that says, "There are no men on this floor. This floor is just here to show that women are never satisfied."
Loyal wife
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Wives seem to love this one
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A middle aged woman walks into a grocery store…
She has been single for the past 5 years and is extremely lonely. She proceeds to collect a few things here and there from throughout the store. Lip balm, a gallon of milk, a few rolls of paper towels, chicken p**... pies, and laundry detergent.
When she finishes finding all of her items she proceeded to the checkout counter. Immediately after she got in line a man came up behind her and began to wait as well. He had a 12 pack with him and was obviously drunk. He was staring at her groceries then up at her, swaying back and forth trying to keep balance.
You must be single? he asked her.
Normally she would ignore a stranger talking to her, especially one this drunk, but she was for some reason slightly intrigued. She noticed he kept looking at her groceries and up at her. Maybe he thought she was single based off what she was purchasing. Maybe he could point out something that would help her find someone to love.
Yes, I am single , she said. But can you tell me something? How can you tell I'm single? she said as she looked down at the few things in her basket.
cause….. he struggled to stand up and looked her in the eye. cause you're ugly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interview with the 3x Widow (Clean Joke)
A journalist for a local newspaper was an interviewing an old woman who had been married three times before and was about to embark on her fourth marriage at the ripe old age of 90.
**Interviewer**: "Please give me a quick run down of the men you married in the past",
**Old Lady**: "We'll my first husband was the CEO of a bank. He died from a heart attack from stress. God bless him.
My second husband was so much different. He was a circus performer. He could s**... swords, walk a tight rope, and tame lions. Unfortunately, one of the lions wasn't fed one day, and I was single once again.
My third husband was the minister for my past two husbands funerals. I'm happy to say that he passed away peacefully surrounded by his friends and family.
And my soon to be fourth husband is the mortician who buried all three of my former husbands. He has always been there for me and is a kind man. I love him dearly.
**Interviewer**: Wow, that's a quite variety of men. So how would you summarize your love life?
**Old Lady**: Well, I guess you could say, I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
A woman shopping at her local mart where....................
................................she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"
Financial Planning like a pro
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. His sickly father told Dan he was going to inherit the business and a fortune but his father's one wish was to see Dan get married and settled before he passed on.
One evening, Dan went to a financial planning seminar, It was given by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was bright and personable to boot. Dan fell in love at first sight. He told her, "I may look pretty ordinary, but my father will probably die soon and I will inherit the family business and a large fortune. Impressed, the woman asked Dan for his business card, and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Stand by your man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Psychic
Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the psychic delivered the bad news...
'There is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.'
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, 'Will I get away with it?'
Five old ladies in a car . . .
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police and Old Women
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles per hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
**(I dont make this joke. One of my best friend made this)**
The heir to a fortune...
wasn't having any luck with women who would be interested in *him* so he decided to let his money work for him. He sees a beautiful girl he likes and tells her: "I'm the next in line to a fortune of billions. As soon as my single father kicks the bucket, I'll be able to make your dreams come true. Will you marry me?" The girl looks at him, thinks for a second and says: "No. But thanks for the offer."
A week later the son comes home after a day of frivolity and sees that same woman at his house sitting in a lounge chair in their mansion watching television. She turns to him and says: "Oh hi there! I'm your new step-mother!"
A woman sees an old couple sharing a meal at McDonald...
A woman walks into McDonald and orders her meal. As she sits down with her food, she sees an old couple in a corner booth sharing a single happy meal. The old woman ate while the old man watched hungrily.
"They must be really poor", she thought and decided to do a good dead and bought another meal and brought over to the old couple. When she brought the meal over and explained, the old man thanked her but declined.
"Thank you, my dear, but we have plenty of money. We are sharing because when we were married over 50 years ago we vowed to share everything. Even a simple meal"
The woman who bought the meal was embarrassed and apologized, but she had one more question before she left them alone.
"I understand sharing everything, but why are you watching her eat? why not split the meal and eat together?" she asked
The old man flashed his gums to the younger woman and told her:
"Because it's her turn for the teeth"
40 years old and still single.
The son of a Billionaire was tired of his bad luck at finding a woman to marry. His father was sickly and he realized that soon he could be inheriting a fortune.
So that evening he thought of a way he could use his dad's fortune and bad health to his advantage.
He saw a beautiful woman and approached her. He told her about his father's fortune and that he will soon be inheriting it. He asked her if she would like to marry him. She told him she would get back to him in a few days.
Three days later, he received the phone call from her, all excited as she said "I'm going to be your step-mother!"
Halloween. Three boys knock on the door of an old lady.
They are in single file and stand there silently. She says to the first boy "Well? It is Halloween right? When you come to the door what do you say??". The boys start to chuckle as Spiderman mumbled "trick or treat?". He takes his candy in silence as the woman asks "now what do you say?". The boys laugh a little harder as the boy mutters a thank you. When the vampire approaches silently she becomes irritated. "You clearly heard me earlier...you were laughing. What do you say?" The boys laugh louder and he gets his treat. "Now what do you say?" nearly falling over with laughter the boy thanks her. The woman becomes agitated and asks them why they think that politeness is a joke to them. The third boy was dressed as a fox.
EDIT content and some caps original from mobile.
A joke from my great uncle
A nun is walking through the city and hails a taxi cab. The nun gets in a cab, and after a few minutes the cabbie says "It's been a while since I've passionately kissed a woman, would you be willing to kiss me, sister?" The nun asks "Are you single and catholic? If you are there shouldn't be a problem." The man says he is, and they intensely kiss for the next 10 minutes. Afterwards the cabbie starts to feel guilty and says "sister, I must confess I'm married and a Muslim." The nun says, "oh that's alright, my name is Troy and I'm going to a costume party."
Speeding Drivers
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
You must be single.
A woman was walking to the checkout at the supermarket when she passed a drunk man leaning against a newspaper rack. Obviously being someone she didn't want to engage in conversation, she walks past him and starts unloading the contents of her cart onto the conveyor belt.
1 head of lettuce
A bag of flour
4 oranges
A loaf of bread
A pack of toilet paper
A flat of water
And two pounds of ground beef.
The woman is about to check out when she notices the drunk man has been watching her the entire time, he yells out with such conviction:
"You must be single!"
The woman was indeed single and knew she shouldn't engage this drunk man, but she looked at what she had bought and nothing jumped out at her that should broadcast her relationship status. She responds:
"You're right! I am single. But how on earth could you tell?"
Slurring his words, the man replies:
"Cuz' yer ugly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there l**... his eyebrows...'
The lonely woman
A woman lived alone for 30 years without a single date and had become very lonely. Out of desperation she put an ad in the newspaper asking for a man. The ad read as follows:
"I need a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is great in bed."
She submitted the ad and waited. A few days later her doorbell rang. She answered it and at her door was a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
She asked, "Can I help you?" The man replied, "I've come to answer your ad! As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't leave you!"
"Okay," said the woman, "Well how are you in bed?"
The man replied, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
A prince is cursed...
A prince is cursed one day by a witch so that he can only speak a single word a year. However, any word he does not say in a year can be rolled over and used in a following year. The prince is discouraged, but decides to go about his life anyway.
A few weeks later, the prince meets a beautiful young woman, and he waits an entire year to say "hello". He begins writing her letters, explaining his situation, and they begin to fall in love. Three years later, the prince uses his saved words to tell her, in his own voice, "I love you".
Soon, the prince decides he wants to marry her. But to make it special, he saves up his words for twelve years, so he can ask her himself. He takes her to the most romantic part of the royal gardens at sunset, gets down on one knee, and says "my darling, I love you more than anything. Will you marry me?" The beautiful young woman turns to him and says:
"Pardon?"
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
s**..., so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me,
and is good in bed.
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a
man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms.
And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve
and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.
The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.
Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have s**... with him.
Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back on and the woman hands him a single dollar. Confused he asks "what's the dollar for?".
The woman says "well I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for christmas and he said 'screw him, give him a dollar'".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is putting her grocery items on the conveyor belt...
A woman is putting her items on the conveyor belt and the clerk sees, a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. The clerk looks at all of the items and says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman, shocked, says "Yes! How do you know this?" The clerk replies with
"It's because you're ugly"
You must be single...
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is traveling in an airplane..
All of a sudden the airplanes engine stalls. "The plane is going down. I repeat, the plane is going down!" The Pilot announces,
The woman starts to panic. "No! No! I can't die like this! I've been single for 15 years! I need a man to make me feel like a woman one last time!"
A very handsome man from the front of the plane stands up. "I can help you with that." He starts slowly walking toward her.
She is shocked at how s**... he is, and starts to tingle and sweat. He keeps walking toward her, slowly taking off his shirt one button at a time.
She rips her shirt off and pulls her skirt down. Exposing her bra and p**.... "Oh yes." She says.
He approaches her, unbuttons his last button, and takes off his shirt, revealing a washboard set of abs. He tosses her the shirt and says, "Iron this, woman."
Now Its the Father Problem
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
"32 years old"
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Husband in coma
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Financial Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three shelves of stuffed animals
A man and a woman meet at a singles' bar, and they quickly hit it off and decide to go back to her place. They immediately head for the bedroom.
Once in the bedroom, the man notices something peculiar: on the wall are three shelves full of stuffed animals: huge ones on the top shelf, regular-size ones on the middle shelf, and small ones on the bottom shelf. He doesn't have time to pay attention to them, of course.
After they have s**..., the man says to the woman, "So, how was it?"
The woman thinks for a while and responds, "Eh, take one from the bottom shelf."
Woman seeks man
A woman, tired of being single puts out an ad seeking a man who won't beat her, won't run out on her and is a fantastic lover. One day, she hears the door bell ring and to her surprise, at the door is a man with no arms or legs.
"May I help you?" She asks.
"I'm here about your notice." The man replies.
"But you have no arms!" The woman exclaims.
"Well then you know I'll never beat you."
"But you have no legs!"
"Well then you know I'll never run out on you."
"Ok, but the notice said I wanted an amazing lover."
"Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
A single woman walks into a bar.
She goes straight up to the bartender and says, "I was told there would be a joke; that it would be hilarious; and that you would deliver the punchline."
The bartender looks up and says, "well aren't you miss informed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a supermarket.
She buys a bar of soap, a roll of toilet paper, a single size dinner, and a single size ice cream. The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly."
Florida Retirement Community...
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" exclaimed the woman. "So you're single?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes on a vacation by herself to a beach resort in Kenya.
She takes up sailing with this very handsome young instructor and sparks are soon flying between the two. The inevitable happened and the sailing instructor spent every single night in the woman's hotel room making passionate love to her.
On her last day the woman says to the instructor: "It's really strange, we've been together all that time and I forgot to ask your name."
"Snow", says the instructor.
The woman starts laughing.
"What's so funny?", says the instructor.
"Wait 'til I tell all my friends that I got nine inches of snow every day while I was in Kenya!"
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.
He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"
Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.
Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.
"Oh, that's easy." Replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is doing some grocery shopping...
She's going to the checkout line and the cashier says:
"Coke... mayo... some corn flakes... a bottle of wine... some chips. Let me guess, you're single right?"
The lady goes "Well... yeah, how do you know?"
The cashier answers, "Because you're ugly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four months into her postulancy to become a nun a young woman went to Sister Maria crying.
"Sister, I must leave this convent but before I go I want to confess my sins."
"Okay," said Sister Maria.
"During my time here I've slept with multiple men!"
"Shame," said Sister Maria.
"Sometimes multiple men at one time."
"Shame," Said Sister Maria.
"Married men, single men, young men, old men, one in each hole, one in each hand."
"Shame," Said Sister Maria. "If you shtill want to leave, I'll shee you to the door."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thor came down to Earth from Asgard
Thor goes to a singles bar to have a drink, and sees a beautiful girl he'd like to make love to. He goes over to buy her a drink, and she has a slight speech impediment, but Thor doesn't care because she is so beautiful and s**....
They leave the bar, and go to her apartment, and proceed to have 8 hours of fantastic s**..., every which way possible.
In the morning, he feels just a bit guilty, and decides to confess who he is to the woman.
"I have to tell you something, I'm really Thor"
She turns to him and says "YOU'RE THOR? I AM SO THOR I CAN'T EVEN PEE!"
A young woman goes grocery shopping...
She wanders through the store more or less aimlessly, finally arriving at the checkout, where she places her items on the conveyor belt: Ramen noodles, a two-pack of toilet paper, a bottle of cheap wine, some grapes, a frozen pizza and a chocolate bar.
The cashier looks at her items, looks at her, looks back at her items and says, "Let me guess, you're single".
"Yeah, you're right", the woman admits, "but how did you know that?"
"Well...", she responds, "you're ugly"
Tender Moments!!!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were still by my side. You know what Martha?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a supermarket
She grabs a zucchini and two limes and goes to pay for them. As the cashier is ringing up her items he comments to her;
"I can tell you're single"
The woman giggles and asks coyly
"Oh what gave that away"
The cashier replies
"Because you're fat"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...
The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so s**.... Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."
Bad luck
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:
'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was in line with his young son at the pharmacy...
when the little guy spotted the case of condoms off to the side.
"What are those, Daddy?" he asked.
"Ah, those are the condoms, son," said the father. "Remember when we talked about how babies are made? People use those during s**... to avoid getting the woman pregnant."
"Why are they in different size packages?"
"Well, the single ones are for the weekend for high school guys. See? One for Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. And those packs of three are for college guys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"What about the big box, Daddy?"
"Ah, those are packs of 12 for married men like me, son. See? One for January, one for February..."
There is no ghost
While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
And how long have you worked here? asked the woman.
Three hundred years.
A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.
He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.
One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
A month later, she became his stepmother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes to the store
She buys a cucumber, Greek yogurt, a gallon of milk, 2L Fanta, a loaf of bread, 6 pack of miller lites, can of olives and raisins. She then walks up to the counter places the items in front of the cash register. The cashier looks at the items, looks at her and then back at the items and says "I know you're single". The woman is surprised and laughs "That's crazy! How can you tell just based on my items?!". The cashier replies, "its cause you're ugly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in line at the grocery store
As she starts to load her food onto the conveyor belt, a drunk man gets in line behind her. As she finishes emptying her basket he leans over and says to her, "you must be single."
She's determined to ignore him, but as she waits she finds herself looking down at her groceries: milk, eggs, apples, salad, chicken... nothing that seems out of the ordinary. Finally her curiosity gets the better of her, so she turns to the man and says, "alright, how did you know? These seem like perfectly ordinary groceries to me."
The drunk man smiles knowingly. "Because... you're f**...' ugly"
Uber driver came to return woman's lost purse
Woman : Thanks but..it is so weird because I remember it containing only a single 100$ note, but now there are ten 10$ notes inside it. How's that possible?
Man: Yeah because everytime I had gone to return someone's wallet or purse, they said they don't have any change to reward me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman's faults are many, but we men have only two.
Every single thing we say and everything we do.
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.
Dave wanted two things:
1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my Father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman requested his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his Stepmother.
A woman goes to hospital
Woman: Doctor, how can I lose weight?
Doc: All you have to do is to move your head from left to right and then from right to left
Woman: How often?
Doc: Every single time they offer you food
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?
What dear? She asked gently.
I think you bring me bad luck.
How to find a woman
A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Intelligence is the first thing I look for in a woman," he tells the bartender. "Because if she doesn't have that I just might have a chance."