Single People Jokes
82 single people jokes and hilarious single people puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about single people that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Single People Short Jokes
Short single people jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The single people humour may include short single man jokes also.
- Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece
- How can a room full of married people be empty? Because there's not a single person there.
- How many Sand People does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No one knows. They ride single file to hide their numbers.
- Homeless people are the most persistent activists in society. Not a single day goes by without them asking for change!
- Did you know that the USSR had some of the world's best bakeries? People would stand in line all week just to get a single slice of bread!
- Why did the room packed with married people seem empty? Because there wasn't a single person there.
- My dad used to always say the same thing to us every single time we drove past a cemetery "You know, people are just dying to get in there."
- Why is it that the room filled with married people seemed empty? There wasn't a single person there!
- Did you know that the USSR produced the best bread in the world? Why, people would stand in line for days for just a single piece!
- People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food... ...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.
Share These Single People Jokes With Friends
Single People One Liners
Which single people one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with single people? I can suggest the ones about single woman and being single.
- I entered in a room full of married people There wasn't a single person there.
- I named my dog 6 miles so i can tell people that i walk 6 miles every single day.
- There's a name for people that believe in horoscopes. They are called single women.
- How do single people honor valentine's day? By Celibating!
- If a single germ can infect over 300 people... Imagine what a married one could do.
- Why are test tube manufacturers always single? People just seem to find them vial!
- what fruit would single people be?? Cantaloupe
- What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day
- What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single.
- There's three things I hate... 1\)Women
2\)Men
3\)People that single themselves out. - You don't want to mess with Jim Jones He killed hundreds of people with a single punch!
- People: Are you single? me: no i'm Album
- A single car c**... kills a Mexican family.
15 people died.
Witty Single People Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about single people you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean single ladies jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make single people pranks.
A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51
One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."
A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...
...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had s**... with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."
In line at The Pearly Gates...
are 3 men. The first approaches St. Peter who says,"Tell me, what did you do in life?" The man explains that he was a priest. St. Peter shakes his hand and ushers him to a waiting e**.... The second man steps up. The same question is asked and he explains that he was a doctor. Again he receives a simple hand shake and a single e**.... The third man steps forward and explains that he was a lawyer. Suddenly Peter gets very excited. A band comes rushing out of the gates playing, followed by a crowd of people who place the lawyer on their shoulders, and carry him away chanting his name and cheering. The priest and the doctor are confused and ask St. Peter,"What is the deal here? We had much more noble lives than that man. Why does he get such special treatment?" St. Peter replies,"We get priests and doctors all the time. That is our first lawyer."
Valentine's Day for people who are single.
For people who are sad about being single: it's called Single Awareness Day
For people who are happy about being single: it's called Single Independence Day
For people who just don't care about being single: it's just called Thursday
For people like me: I call it Date With My Right Hand otherwise known as Everyday
A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..
the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."
What do you call it when a group of people in a single vehicle travel through a lengthy underpass?
Carpool tunnel!
Being single in valentines day its not painful
If yo dont have a partner in valentines day, then dont be sad..
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Not every people have Aids On Aids Day grin emoticon
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Being single in valentines day its not painful, BuT
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Not Having Mom In Mothers Day, its Really Painful
I often chastise my conservative grandpa for stereotyping black people..
I mean how rude it is to pick on jobless people raised by single mothers...
Single people think marriage is just a word ...
Once you are married you realize it's a sentence.
People ask me "Why are you single? You're attractive, intelligent, and have an amazing personality".
My response: "I'm overqualified".
Some Chuck Norris Jokes
- Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
- Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.
- When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
- Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it without a single remark.
- Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
- When Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy, Chuck Norris caught the bullets with his own bare hands. JFK's head exploded simply because he was so overawed.
People say to me Jesus was not Jewish
## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!
If there's three people, it's usually a t**.... If there's two people, it's called a twosome. And if a guy is single?
He's usually called handsome.
I'm a little sick and tired of people always saying that at one time or another, every single American president is guilty of something...
I mean, what about Lincoln?! After all, he's in a cent...
I'm really claustrophobic and just walked into a room crammed full with married people...
Luckily there wasn't a single person in it
There are two types of people in the world
Those who can draw a conclusion from a single piece of information
Most people say Jesus isn't Jewish...
But he is. 30, single, living with his parents, working his father's job and his mother saying he's the son of God, of course he's Jewish.
h**... was a hero...
He single handedly ended the Holocaust, and killed one of the most evil people from history!
a plane crashed and every single person died, but how were there still survivors of the plane c**...?
the married people on the plane survived
t**... stamp
Single people discussing their dating life with married friends is like getting a t**... stamp with a misspelling.
Irreversible, permanent and embarrassing.
Boss's Dilemma
At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.
"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on the other hand, Jack is a single father and really needs this job to support his kids."
His boss replies, "I don't know what to tell you, why don't you just go ask them?"
So, when Mary comes into work, the manager goes to talk to her and says,
"Listen, Mary, I've got a bit of a dilemma. I've got to lay you or j**...."
And she responds, "You better j**..., I've got a headache."
Most people will have a hard time naming even a single female boxer off the top of their head.
I myself only know of Chris Brown.
Now I'm a tolerant guy, but...
..I hate people who make definitive decisions about other people, based only on a single personality trait. Furthermore, I can not stand hypocrites.
You walk across a bridge and see a boat filled with people but there isn't a single person on board. How is this possible?
All the people on the boat are married
Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.
The first man wishes to be invisible, p**...! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.
The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, p**...! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.
The third man sees this and figures out that the other men were selfish and that's what got them killed so he wishes for world peace, p**...! and 7.3 billion people drop down dead.
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But we all know the tragedy that occurred..
The Mexican people loved mayonnaise so much and this loss was so devastating that they declared a national day of mourning, which happens every year on the day the shipment was supposed to arrive.
This day, of course, is May 5th, or more commonly known as **Sinko de Mayo**
Once Apon a time, the Chief samurai of the land was sick, and needed to chose his successor
Only three people singled up. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish samurai.
The Japanese Samurai went first. He opened a box with a fly in it. With one swipe of his blade, the fly fell done, cut in two.
The Chinese Samurai went next. He opened another box with a fly in it. With two swipes of his blade, the fly fell down, cut in four.
Lastly, the Jewish samurai went. He opened the last box with a fly in it. He swiped once, but the fly still flew.
What was that? The fly is still alive
Of course! The purpose of circumcision is not to kill...
There's two things I hate in this world:
1)Human beings
2)People that single themselves out
If people all stood on the equator in a single file line that wrapped around the world...
...most of them would drown.
A bus with 24 people was crossing the San Francisco bridge; when they reached the other side, not a single person was left. What happened to the people ?
They were all married.
A man was in line with his young son at the pharmacy...
when the little guy spotted the case of condoms off to the side.
"What are those, Daddy?" he asked.
"Ah, those are the condoms, son," said the father. "Remember when we talked about how babies are made? People use those during s**... to avoid getting the woman pregnant."
"Why are they in different size packages?"
"Well, the single ones are for the weekend for high school guys. See? One for Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. And those packs of three are for college guys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"What about the big box, Daddy?"
"Ah, those are packs of 12 for married men like me, son. See? One for January, one for February..."
How can a room of married people be empty?
Because there isn't a single person in the room!
Yo momma is so s**......
... she single-handedly became a threat to literally millions of people by deciding not to vaccinate you or your siblings.
I don't know why people think throwing singles at children is the new viral trend...
Hollywood's been doing it for decades.
There's a single line of footprints in the desert
There's a single line of footprints in the desert. A man asks Jesus why there is only one set of footprints. Jesus replies "because sand people walk in single file to conceal their numbers"
I'm really glad I didn't turn out to be a biter, y'know?
Some people, when they're kids, tend to bite others while playing, which isn't good. What's worse is that some never grow out of it, like my mom, apparently. Every so often, I'd hear her and dad playing from across the house, and, every single time, he'd have to tell her to bite the pillows.
A guy was high and was rash driving when he suddenly ran over a group of people walking on the footpath
He was later detained by the police and summoned to the court.
The judge asked him: Why did you run over the group when clearly there was a single person walking on footpath which was on other side of the road? Clearly there would have been less casualties!
The guy answers: I was gonna do the same but that guy saw me coming and immediately ran towards the crowd
I met a girl a recently
Her: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: No, she died a few years ago, so I'm single now.
Her: Well, may be I can take her place
Me: I don't know, the people at the graveyard will not agree to that.
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.
I don't like the new guy my neighbor has
He's awful if you ask me. Looks alone. Kinda short and barely any hair. Then he's lying in bed all day, and if he's not sleeping he's screaming at her. Also hitting the bottle quite heavily and probably didn't work a single day in his whole life.
I really can't figure out what people see in babies.
Two single people met up on handicap singles night after having no luck in years...
The man had a wooden peg leg, and the woman has a wooden eye. After finally getting up the courage, the woman asks the man if he would like to dance.
Would I? Would I? he yells excitedly.
In complete disgust, she yells back, Peg Leg! Peg Leg!
British people like to make fun of Americans for not using the metric system.
But I've never heard of a single British person walking into a pub and ordering a half liter…
Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish
Of course he was Jewish 30 years old single
living with his parents,
working in his father's business,
his mother thought he was gods gift
Give it up oh course he was Jewish
- Robin Williams obm
How many people can you kill with a single bottle of water?
According to airport security, quite a lot.
Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll;
are you trying to quit?
Holiday scams
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and hands over a few singles to pay for it. The bartender picks up the $1 bills and carefully scutinizes them, holding them up to the light. "What are you doing?" the guy asks. "There's a new scam going around this holiday season," the bartender replies. "People are passing around counterfeit $1 bills, so be careful. "So, what you're telling me is I should keep an eye out for hot singles in my area," the guy says.
