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Single Man Jokes

97 single man jokes and hilarious single man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about single man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Single Man Short Jokes

Short single man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The single man humour may include short single woman jokes also.

  1. A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know that?" "I saw you browsing reddit on your phone" she replied.
  2. Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
    Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.
  3. So, there's a plane... So there's a plane. The plane crashes, and every single person dies. However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible?
    He wasn't single.
  4. "Hey man, the 49th state is pretty cute. Do you know if she's single or not?" "I'm not sure, but Alaska."
  5. When I was a single man, I had an incredible amount of spare time. Since I started listening to full albums I'm always stuck in my room.
  6. Doc,what's really wrong with me? Tell me straight. "Well,there isn't a single thing wrong with you. Everything is perfect."
    "Good" the man replies. "Could you tell my wife that?"
  7. A single man comes home late, looks to see what is in the fridge, and goes to bed A married man comes home late, looks to see what is in the bed, and goes to the fridge.
  8. I've never had a single man confide in me that he's experienced problems with impotence. Maybe it just didn't come up.
  9. What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
  10. I told my single friend John that I'll always be his right-hand-man, Now he thinks I'm gay.

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Single Man One Liners

Which single man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with single man? I can suggest the ones about single boy and single people.

  1. An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way So I moved the mirror
  2. How did the one armed man save the world? Single handedly!
  3. Did you hear about the one-armed man that robbed the bank? He did it single-handedly.
  4. It's not true that a married man will live longer than a single man It just seems longer
  5. What do you call asian man who is single Lone lee
  6. Why is an unmarried man from Malta very desirable? Because he is a single malt.
  7. The man who invented single-ply toilet paper had a real breakthrough.
  8. What's a single Scottish man's favourite kind of cookie? Mo' lasses
  9. Bryan a single asian man looking for love
  10. Hope is a single man's game...
  11. She's single if her man can't beat you up.
  12. What do you call a man doing dishes? Single.
  13. What do you call a single Mexican man? No bae Jose
  14. h**... wasn't a very athletic man. He never even finished a single race.
  15. How do you scare a single man? Start throwing rice near him.
Single Man joke, How do you scare a single man?

Unearthly Funniest Single Man Jokes to Tickle Your Sides

What funny jokes about single man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean married man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make single man pranks.

This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed."
One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?"
The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"

One woman to another at a singles bar: “I’m not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, 'Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?'”

While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes.


"Wow! What a great idea," he thinks to himself and buys three of them.
Two weeks later, however, he goes back to using toilet paper.

(NAME) spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him.

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

My grandad shared this joke the other day

A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"

The zoo

A man was walking around town when he noticed a billboard advertising the new zoo in town. He'd been hearing all about it, and since he had nothing better to do that day, he decided to check it out. Much to the man's surprise, when he got there, the only animal there was a single dog. It was a Shitzu.

2 hearses.

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station


A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.
He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.
The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."
The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this."
He opens his breifcase, and about 200 condoms fall out, he digs deeper and pulls out a bottle of aspitin.
He take a single aspirin, and then re-reads his copy perfectly, his wink having vanished.
The producer is dumbfounded, and he says, "Thanks fantastic, but what's with the condoms?"
The man says, "This is what they give you if you stutter and wink and ask for aspirin at the pharmacy.

Stand by your man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

It's a Saturday evening...

It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"
The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A single man is in the checkout line at a grocery store...

...and the cashier watches as he places each item on the belt: 1 frozen pizza, 5 TV dinners, 1 bar of soap, and 1 six-pack of Budweiser.
As she takes his money, the cashier looks at the man and says "you must be single, right?"
The man is taken aback. "You can tell that from what I'm buying?" he asks.
The cashier replies, "no, you're just b**...-ugly."

There is a single man who is blind and poor

One day an angle says the man;
Tell me your wish and i will make it happen
- i want to see my billionare son

Police are looking for a man who refuses to update his PDF reader.

He is described as 32, single and has no fixed adobe.

The Priest and the Politician

A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.
First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.
And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why does the army want to only recruit married men?

Because they don't want a **single** man lost!

One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

A man walks up to his friend and says, "I'm getting sick of being single."

The friend replies "well there's a lot of sea in the fish.... and that sea is full of men."

*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*

Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"
Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"
Judge: "Guilty"

A man approached Captain Von Trap and said, "No offense, but is that short haired blonde single?"

"Nun taken."

A Gentlemen always seeks for the best

And thus he remains single and clean shaven throughout his life.
Gillette The best a man can get..

A man is looking for a parking space

Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.
"Never mind. I found one."

Florida Retirement Community...

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" exclaimed the woman. "So you're single?!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Women say they want a man who speaks his mind...

But every guy I know with Tourettes is single.

A man walks into a small bank

There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:
"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."
The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"
While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:
"Insecure."

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The year is 2017.

There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my a**... and wriggles it about a bit.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

m**... in the jungle

A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

A father finds a magic lamp...

and when he rubs it, a genie pops out and offers to grant him anything he wants.
The man asks for a unicorn for his daughter.
The genie says unicorns aren't even real, try to be more realistic.
So the man decides to ask the genie to let the Browns win a single game.
The genie sighs and asks the man what color unicorn his daughter would prefer.

Keep your clairvoyant chipper [OC unless I accidentally stole this]

When I was a single man, I dated a series of psychics. For the first date, I brought a dozen long stem roses, and she said it was too much, and was angry. So for the second psychic, I brought nothing, and she too was offended. For the third psychic, I settled for a single rose, and I finally found a happy medium. (But in the end it didn't work out, she said she couldn't see a future together.)

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.

The first man wishes to be invisible, p**...! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.
The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, p**...! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.
The third man sees this and figures out that the other men were selfish and that's what got them killed so he wishes for world peace, p**...! and 7.3 billion people drop down dead.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

As a fat, single, 40 year old man, I've been to alot of s**... clubs.

Too bad I haven't made much money.

Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."

According to a recent study, being married is the fourth best thing that could happen to a man.

The first three, in order: being single, being a widower, being dead.

A man is depressed because everybody forgot his birthday...

A coworker notices and decides to cheer him up. She breaks into his home and smashes every single lamp/light in his home. The next day she sees him and asks, "How are you?" And he replies, "Well I'm absolutely de-lighted!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I told her one man's trash is another man's treasure

And she just stormed out , I'm never dating single mom's again

You ever go on a date and look at the bill and just think...

Man, if I was single this would be half off...

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What do a married man and a single man have in common?

Each of them thinks the other one bangs all the time:D

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I had more s**... when I was single than I do as a married man

Every Birthday, I used to treat myself with a h**....

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

*WATCH OUT EVERYONE SAVAGE MEN ON THE STREETS!*

Old single fat man.
He wears red, he watches kids sleeping gives them toys and has a list of every kid!
Please parents watch out!

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'

Man walked down the street...

Man walked down the street when he saw his friends wife leaving bar in tears. He entered the bar, and there was his friend drinking beer. He asked him: "Why did your wife left the bar in tears?" His friend replied: "When we go shopping, she enters every single store, then we return to the first one, and buy something there. So I entered every single bar, looked at the price, returned to the first one and ordered a beer."

Uber driver came to return woman's lost purse

Woman : Thanks but..it is so weird because I remember it containing only a single 100$ note, but now there are ten 10$ notes inside it. How's that possible?
Man: Yeah because everytime I had gone to return someone's wallet or purse, they said they don't have any change to reward me.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.

As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."
The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"
"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."

A widow sees a man sunbathing at the poolside of her country club

She approaches him: "Excuse me. I don't think I've seen you here before. Are you new?"
"As a matter of fact, I am." he says. "I was in prison for 30 years."
"For what?" she asks
"I murdered my wife." he responds.
"Oh!" She exclaims. "So you're single!"

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?
The man replies, No, I haven't.
The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.
The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.
The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A man gets pulled over for swerving

Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"
*"I have no clue". The man replied.*
"Have you been drinking, sir?"
*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*
"Then what is that in your cup holder?"
"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"
"I thought you said you didn't drink any alcohol tonight?"
"*No, officer. I said I haven't had any "alcoholic drinks". All of my friends are alcoholics and not a single one of them drinks that s**...."*
OC

The secret to a good marriage

It was grandparents day at school.
"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.
"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now. So I asked him , what was his secret. He looked at me, thought a bit and began. son there only one single thing to a good marriage...."
The whole class seemed to hold their breath. Everything seemed to stand still.
" And when I find out what that is, I will get married again".

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The executioner decapitated the man in a single s**..., and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

A man was eating cookies at the park.

While eating his last cookie out of the bunch, he was approached by an old lady. She was putting her hands out, gesturing if she could have his last cookie. The man broke the cookie in two and gave the old lady half of the cookie.
With a single bite, a bright light flashed and the old lady turned out to be a fairy in disguise "For your selflessness, I shall grant you a single wish."
"I wish for a red sportscar!"
With a flick of a wand, half of a sportscar fell in front of the man.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

It was h**... Choo's first time in America, and he was excited to visit an American bar .

He quickly locates one and finds a seat by the counter, where two other men are already seated.
The surly bartender tilts his head at the first man, who says Jack Daniels, single.
The bartender nods and looks towards the second man, who says, Johnny Walker, single.
The bartender then turns to h**... Choo...
h**... Choo, married!

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company's money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won't tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn't going to be of any use to them, so they kill him.

At the gates of heaven, god asks the Italian why he didn't just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had.

The Italian responds, How could I? Those rascals had t**... my hands!

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98 year old wife for their health secrets:

The old man said: I'll tell you my secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
So I've been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!
Everyone applauded and asked again:
But how come your wife is very healthy as well?
The old man answered: That is another secret. For 75 years every single day She has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 Kilometers!

Missfortune

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man" he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Man walked by old man sitting on bench openly weeping, so the man said, what's wrong? The old man responds..

I'm married to a beautiful 25-year old woman who quit her modeling career to spend time with me. Every single night she makes love to me like no other woman ever has in my life, she follows it up with dinner afterwards cooks me up a delicious gourmet meal then we fall asleep holding eachother in bed.
So the man, dumbfounded responded, so what's the problem? 😐
The old man responds, I forgot where I live.

A bloke walks into a bar

And there are two Nuns playing darts. He offers to do the scoring. The first Nun hits a treble twenty with her first and second darts and double twenty with her third. The man shouts out "One hundred and sixty." The second Nun goes to throw and hits a treble twenty, a single twenty and the third dart hits the wire and rebounds straight into the Nuns eye, killing her instantly! The bloke shouts out One Nun dead and eighty."

a man goes on a trip to a country he has never been on

The he goes to the supermarket and sees something he has never seen before: Matches.
So he buys a pack and sends them to his best friend with written instructions on how to use them.
When he is back home he talks to the friend and asks him about the matches.
The friend tells him: "I don't know man. I followed the instructions, but they did not work".
Then he says: "that's weird, I personally tested every single one of them".

Single Man joke, a man goes on a trip to a country he has never been on

jokes about single man