Single Man Jokes

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'

My grandad shared this joke the other day

A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"

The zoo

A man was walking around town when he noticed a billboard advertising the new zoo in town. He'd been hearing all about it, and since he had nothing better to do that day, he decided to check it out. Much to the man's surprise, when he got there, the only animal there was a single dog. It was a Shitzu.

Single Ladies.

A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."

A traditional Indian woman walks into a bar for the first time...

She sits down between two men.
She hears the first man says to the bartender "Johnny Walker, single."
Then second man says to the bartender "Jack Daniels, single."
The bartender turns to the Indian woman... She says "Pushpaben Patel, Married."

It's a Saturday evening...

It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"
The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

Waiting in line

A woman is checking out at the grocery store. She buys a dozen eggs, two boxes of pasta, waffles, a bag of onions, lunch meat, oatmeal, sparkling water and throws on a pack of gum at the register.
The man behind her says "you must be single"
"Why yes I am! Did you figure this out by noticing all the stuff I bought?"
"Nope, it's because you are ugly!"

The man at the circus.

A man is going to the circus to look for work. The man finds the manager in his caravan and asks him if he could get a job at the circus.
Oh, so you're looking to join the circus then? Tell me, what can you do?
I can mimic a bird, the man says proudly.
Hah, scoffs the manager, every single person at this circus can mimic a bird, even the slow stable boy, that's not anything we'd want here at this circus.
Oh well, says the man and flew out the window.

Drunk a grocery store

Drunk guy standing in line at a grocery store looks at the woman in front of him then down at her items at the register.
He says "You must be single"
The woman kinda annoyed but amazed says " OK I'll bite, how did you know that?"
Drunk man looks at her and slurs " Cause you're ugly"

A woman sits alone at the bar

A man is waiting for his drink and asks the lady "you must be single right?".
"What, a woman can't have a drink alone at the bar without being single?!"

"No, you're just really ugly"

One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*

Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"
Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"
Judge: "Guilty"

A man approached Captain Von Trap and said, "No offense, but is that short haired blonde single?"

"Nun taken."

A man is looking for a parking space

Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.
"Never mind. I found one."

Women say they want a man who speaks his mind...

But every guy I know with Tourettes is single.

A man walks into a small bank

There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:
"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."
The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"
While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:
"Insecure."

A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs.

A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs.
The female cashier says: "You must be single."
The man replied: " Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

The year is 2017.

There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my a**... and wriggles it about a bit.

m**... in the jungle

A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

A father finds a magic lamp...

and when he rubs it, a genie pops out and offers to grant him anything he wants.
The man asks for a unicorn for his daughter.
The genie says unicorns aren't even real, try to be more realistic.
So the man decides to ask the genie to let the Browns win a single game.
The genie sighs and asks the man what color unicorn his daughter would prefer.

A man walks into a bar. "Quick, bartender, give me a shot of whiskey before it starts."

The bartender pours a shot of whiskey and gives it to the man. The man swallows it in a single gulp, and says "quick, give me another before it starts". The bartender pours another shot, quite perplexed. After the man finished the second drink, he again asked for another. The bartender looks at him and says "when will you be paying for these?"
The man sighs and says "it started"

Keep your clairvoyant chipper [OC unless I accidentally stole this]

When I was a single man, I dated a series of psychics. For the first date, I brought a dozen long stem roses, and she said it was too much, and was angry. So for the second psychic, I brought nothing, and she too was offended. For the third psychic, I settled for a single rose, and I finally found a happy medium. (But in the end it didn't work out, she said she couldn't see a future together.)

Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.

The first man wishes to be invisible, p**...! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.
The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, p**...! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.
The third man sees this and figures out that the other men were selfish and that's what got them killed so he wishes for world peace, p**...! and 7.3 billion people drop down dead.

As a fat, single, 40 year old man, I've been to alot of s**... clubs.

Too bad I haven't made much money.

A woman is in line at the grocery store when a very drunk man behind her looks the items in her cart and slurs "you mus' be single...!"

She was set to ignore him when she notices her shopping. There's nothing in her cart that would indicate her relationship status...
Curiosity gets the better of her and she answers him
"I am actually, but, how did you know?"
The drunk straightens up slightly and says "cos you're f**...' ugly...!"

Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."

Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
Cashier: Are you single?
Man: Yes I am, how did you know? Was it because of the miniature groceries?
Cashier: No, it's because you are ugly.

According to a recent study, being married is the fourth best thing that could happen to a man.

The first three, in order: being single, being a widower, being dead.

I've never had a single man confide in me that he's experienced problems with impotence.

Maybe it just didn't come up.

A man is depressed because everybody forgot his birthday...

A coworker notices and decides to cheer him up. She breaks into his home and smashes every single lamp/light in his home. The next day she sees him and asks, "How are you?" And he replies, "Well I'm absolutely de-lighted!"

I told her one man's trash is another man's treasure

And she just stormed out , I'm never dating single mom's again

There's a single line of footprints in the desert

There's a single line of footprints in the desert. A man asks Jesus why there is only one set of footprints. Jesus replies "because sand people walk in single file to conceal their numbers"

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'

Man walked down the street...

Man walked down the street when he saw his friends wife leaving bar in tears. He entered the bar, and there was his friend drinking beer. He asked him: "Why did your wife left the bar in tears?" His friend replied: "When we go shopping, she enters every single store, then we return to the first one, and buy something there. So I entered every single bar, looked at the price, returned to the first one and ordered a beer."

Uber driver came to return woman's lost purse

Woman : Thanks but..it is so weird because I remember it containing only a single 100$ note, but now there are ten 10$ notes inside it. How's that possible?
Man: Yeah because everytime I had gone to return someone's wallet or purse, they said they don't have any change to reward me.

A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.

As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."
The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"
"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."

One of my next-door neighbours is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer's.

Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer's that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I've thought about moving. I've thought about not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it's worth it just to see the smile on his face.

A widow sees a man sunbathing at the poolside of her country club

She approaches him: "Excuse me. I don't think I've seen you here before. Are you new?"
"As a matter of fact, I am." he says. "I was in prison for 30 years."
"For what?" she asks
"I murdered my wife." he responds.
"Oh!" She exclaims. "So you're single!"

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?
The man replies, No, I haven't.
The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.
The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.
The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.

A man gets pulled over for swerving

Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"
*"I have no clue". The man replied.*
"Have you been drinking, sir?"
*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*
"Then what is that in your cup holder?"
"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"
"I thought you said you didn't drink any alcohol tonight?"
"*No, officer. I said I haven't had any "alcoholic drinks". All of my friends are alcoholics and not a single one of them drinks that s**...."*
OC

The secret to a good marriage

It was grandparents day at school.
"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.
"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now. So I asked him , what was his secret. He looked at me, thought a bit and began. son there only one single thing to a good marriage...."
The whole class seemed to hold their breath. Everything seemed to stand still.
" And when I find out what that is, I will get married again".

The executioner decapitated the man in a single s**..., and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

A man was eating cookies at the park.

While eating his last cookie out of the bunch, he was approached by an old lady. She was putting her hands out, gesturing if she could have his last cookie. The man broke the cookie in two and gave the old lady half of the cookie.
With a single bite, a bright light flashed and the old lady turned out to be a fairy in disguise "For your selflessness, I shall grant you a single wish."
"I wish for a red sportscar!"
With a flick of a wand, half of a sportscar fell in front of the man.

Two single people met up on handicap singles night after having no luck in years...

The man had a wooden peg leg, and the woman has a wooden eye. After finally getting up the courage, the woman asks the man if he would like to dance.
Would I? Would I? he yells excitedly.
In complete disgust, she yells back, Peg Leg! Peg Leg!

It was h**... Choo's first time in America, and he was excited to visit an American bar .

He quickly locates one and finds a seat by the counter, where two other men are already seated.
The surly bartender tilts his head at the first man, who says Jack Daniels, single.
The bartender nods and looks towards the second man, who says, Johnny Walker, single.
The bartender then turns to h**... Choo...
h**... Choo, married!

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company's money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won't tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn't going to be of any use to them, so they kill him.

At the gates of heaven, god asks the Italian why he didn't just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had.

The Italian responds, How could I? Those rascals had t**... my hands!

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98 year old wife for their health secrets:

The old man said: I'll tell you my secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
So I've been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!
Everyone applauded and asked again:
But how come your wife is very healthy as well?
The old man answered: That is another secret. For 75 years every single day She has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 Kilometers!

Missfortune

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man" he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.

A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle

one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"Nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

Man walked by old man sitting on bench openly weeping, so the man said, what's wrong? The old man responds..

I'm married to a beautiful 25-year old woman who quit her modeling career to spend time with me. Every single night she makes love to me like no other woman ever has in my life, she follows it up with dinner afterwards cooks me up a delicious gourmet meal then we fall asleep holding eachother in bed.
So the man, dumbfounded responded, so what's the problem? 😐
The old man responds, I forgot where I live.

A bloke walks into a bar

And there are two Nuns playing darts. He offers to do the scoring. The first Nun hits a treble twenty with her first and second darts and double twenty with her third. The man shouts out "One hundred and sixty." The second Nun goes to throw and hits a treble twenty, a single twenty and the third dart hits the wire and rebounds straight into the Nuns eye, killing her instantly! The bloke shouts out One Nun dead and eighty."

a man goes on a trip to a country he has never been on

The he goes to the supermarket and sees something he has never seen before: Matches.
So he buys a pack and sends them to his best friend with written instructions on how to use them.
When he is back home he talks to the friend and asks him about the matches.
The friend tells him: "I don't know man. I followed the instructions, but they did not work".
Then he says: "that's weird, I personally tested every single one of them".