Single Line Jokes

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if o**... is still alive," o**... himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of the coded message, 370HSSV-0773H.
Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry.
Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.
Within a few seconds, the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."

Just got this in an email: The ITALIAN f**......

The ITALIAN f**......
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked
and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in
the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law.

She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her. She didn’t survive either."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

In line at The Pearly Gates...

are 3 men. The first approaches St. Peter who says,"Tell me, what did you do in life?" The man explains that he was a priest. St. Peter shakes his hand and ushers him to a waiting e**.... The second man steps up. The same question is asked and he explains that he was a doctor. Again he receives a simple hand shake and a single e**.... The third man steps forward and explains that he was a lawyer. Suddenly Peter gets very excited. A band comes rushing out of the gates playing, followed by a crowd of people who place the lawyer on their shoulders, and carry him away chanting his name and cheering. The priest and the doctor are confused and ask St. Peter,"What is the deal here? We had much more noble lives than that man. Why does he get such special treatment?" St. Peter replies,"We get priests and doctors all the time. That is our first lawyer."

Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

2 hearses.

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"

A middle aged woman walks into a grocery store…

She has been single for the past 5 years and is extremely lonely. She proceeds to collect a few things here and there from throughout the store. Lip balm, a gallon of milk, a few rolls of paper towels, chicken p**... pies, and laundry detergent.
When she finishes finding all of her items she proceeded to the checkout counter. Immediately after she got in line a man came up behind her and began to wait as well. He had a 12 pack with him and was obviously drunk. He was staring at her groceries then up at her, swaying back and forth trying to keep balance.
You must be single? he asked her.
Normally she would ignore a stranger talking to her, especially one this drunk, but she was for some reason slightly intrigued. She noticed he kept looking at her groceries and up at her. Maybe he thought she was single based off what she was purchasing. Maybe he could point out something that would help her find someone to love.
Yes, I am single , she said. But can you tell me something? How can you tell I'm single? she said as she looked down at the few things in her basket.
cause….. he struggled to stand up and looked her in the eye. cause you're ugly.

Psychic

Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the psychic delivered the bad news...
'There is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.'
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, 'Will I get away with it?'

The heir to a fortune...

wasn't having any luck with women who would be interested in *him* so he decided to let his money work for him. He sees a beautiful girl he likes and tells her: "I'm the next in line to a fortune of billions. As soon as my single father kicks the bucket, I'll be able to make your dreams come true. Will you marry me?" The girl looks at him, thinks for a second and says: "No. But thanks for the offer."
A week later the son comes home after a day of frivolity and sees that same woman at his house sitting in a lounge chair in their mansion watching television. She turns to him and says: "Oh hi there! I'm your new step-mother!"

the old man

Some older guy was following me around at a small grocery store, always about 10 feet back. He kept looking at me and sighing. I thought he was some old gay pervert, but I was wrong. He got to the store's single checkout line just before I did. There he turned to me and told me something quite heart wrenching. He said he was sorry for staring, but I looked exactly like his son who had died fighting in Iraq ten years before. He asked if it would be too weird if he could give me a hug and say goodbye as some sort of closure. I though it harmless so agreed. He gave me a hug and said, good bye, son. And then he left the store with his groceries. As I had my few items scanned and went to pay, I was outraged at the total. It was much more than my few items warranted. I asked the cashier to explain the situation, and she said that my father said I was covering his groceries too.

The f**... Dog

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

The Military decided to build a new supersonic airplane.

It looked great on paper so a few prototypes were commissioned. They came out looking great except whenever it took flight, the wings would fall off. And no matter how much reinforcement the design team added to the wings, they would tear off at the exact same place every single time.
They decided to hire an expert to sort out this problem. His solution was to drill little holes all along the line where the wings usually broke off. The designers were skeptical but did as was recommended. A test flight proved that this solution worked; the wings wouldn't tear off anymore, under any circumstances. They were thrilled the solution worked, but couldn't understand why or how. The expert explained to them that nothing ever tears along the perforation.

So a guy is watering his lawn...

and he notices two hearses slowly coming down the street. Behind the hearses is a guy walking a dog and behind them is a long row of men walking single file behind him.
The guy curious to know what happened approaches the guy walking the dog. "What happened here?" he asks. The guy replies, "Well this dog here killed my wife and then killed my mother-in-law right after." The guy watering his lawn thinks for a few seconds and say to the guy, "Hey, you mind if I borrow your dog?"
The guy looks at him and then turns around and says, "Get in line."

Wisdom of a drunk

A woman in her mid-thirties went to a local grocery store late at night to buy a few necessities. As she was in line at the register, an extremely intoxicated man got in line behind her holding some liquor.The woman ignored him and the waft of alcohol, but couldn't help notice he was looking her over.
Finally the woman turned and asked what was wrong. The intoxicated man looked at her, at the items she was buying, at her again, then said, "Lady, I bet you're single."
The woman was taken aback. She WAS single, but looking at the apples and milk she was buying, and her modest but clean and fashionable attire, she had no idea what gave the drunk man that idea.
"Why yes, I am single. How did you know?"
"Cuz yer ugly."

Three guys walk into an exotic bar...

Three guys- Sam, Jim, and Mike- walk into an exotic bar and see something strange. Every single person in the bar is standing in four separate lines. The three guys approach the bar and asks the bartender what is going on. "If you want to get served, ya gotta get in a line. What do you boys want?"
"I'll have a beer", Sam said and the bartender pointed to the beer line.
"I'll have some bourbon", Jim said and the bartender pointed to the whiskey line.
"I'm not drinking tonight, so do you have any fruit punch?" asked Mike. The bartender stares blankly then signals over his bouncer.
"Hey Bobby, kick this man out!"
"Woah, woah, what did I do wrong?" cried Mike.
"There is no punchline!"

A guy was watering his lawn

As he was watering his lawn, he noticed a hearse coming down the street followed by another hearse. Behind the second hearse was a man walking a dog, and behind them were like 15 guys walking in a single file line.
The guy watering his lawn walks up to the man with the dog and asks what happened.
"My wife was killed by this dog."
"Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that," replied the guy. "Why is there a second hearse?" he asked.
"Well this dog also killed my mother-in-law shortly after."
The guy thinks for a second and then asks the man if he can borrow the dog.
The man replies, "Get in line."

Two villages in Thailand cannot find a way to settle their differences.

They arrange to meet on the battle field the following day to finish it once and for all.
The next morning, hundreds of villagers from each settlement line up facing each other, ready for war.
They both send a single monk, fully dressed in hooded robes to the middle of the field. They begin to fight, one on one, **to the death**.
Confused, a young villager asks his father why the villages are not facing off in their entirety.
"Ah, my son, when the Catholics come here long ago, they teach us one thing", his father begins, "to win battle, you must fight friar with friar".

A man was in line with his young son at the pharmacy...

when the little guy spotted the case of condoms off to the side.
"What are those, Daddy?" he asked.
"Ah, those are the condoms, son," said the father. "Remember when we talked about how babies are made? People use those during s**... to avoid getting the woman pregnant."
"Why are they in different size packages?"
"Well, the single ones are for the weekend for high school guys. See? One for Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. And those packs of three are for college guys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"What about the big box, Daddy?"
"Ah, those are packs of 12 for married men like me, son. See? One for January, one for February..."