The Best 89 Single Jokes

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..

the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

How can a room full of couples be empty?

There isn't a single person left!

Bwahahahahaha

Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Went on a date with a single mom...

It was going well until I told her I didn't care about her kid; I just wanted to play with the box it came in.

On average, a single male has sex 89 times a year.

Tomorrow is going to be really awesome for me!

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

The man at the circus.

A man is going to the circus to look for work. The man finds the manager in his caravan and asks him if he could get a job at the circus.

Oh, so you're looking to join the circus then? Tell me, what can you do?

I can mimic a bird, the man says proudly.

Hah, scoffs the manager, every single person at this circus can mimic a bird, even the slow stable boy, that's not anything we'd want here at this circus.

Oh well, says the man and flew out the window.

A kangaroo walks into a bar

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change.

Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place."

The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."

Hitler wasn't a very athletic man.

He never even finished a single race.

Ever since I've downloaded Adblock, all the single girls in my area seem to have lost interest...

My sex life and gaming life are pretty similar.

I play a lot of single player.

Once you go black...

..you become a single mother.

^^^sorry

Had a fight with an erection today...

I beat it single handedly.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

A woman is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The male cashier says: "You must be single."

He got fired.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle.

When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.

Impressive.

Of Course the Moon Landings Were Staged

I've never heard of a single staged rocket going to the moon.

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

"Siri, why am I single?"

Siri: opens front face camera

I was throwing darts at wife's photo on dart board

and not even a single one hitting the target.
Wife entered, saw and asked, Honey! What are you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
And that's when the fight started…

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

I got in touch with my inner self once...

Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

My wife is talking about wanting to have children.

I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom.

An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way

So I moved the mirror

I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman

Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?

Why are married women heavier than single women?

When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge.

- Doctor, I want to live very old

- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?

A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"

A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

I know every single digit of pi!

I just don't have them in the right order.

I asked Siri why I'm single

She opened the front camera

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

The US just dropped a new single today

It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan

There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD"

First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.

A man is looking for a parking space

Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.

"Never mind. I found one."

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?"

I Happily I replied," Yes...."

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

If you're single and you know it

Use your hands

Parking a single car doesn't require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

I'm single by choice

Just not my choice.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Study something you like and you will never have to work a single day

Because you won't find work

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."

The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

My sex life is like a video game

Single Player.

I am proud to be single by choice

Not my choice, but still...

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

I like my single malt how I like my girls.

15 years old and mixed up with coke.

(Just a joke, I would never condone mixing single malt and coke)

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece

My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me?

Single.

A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."

I'm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

An indian lady visited a bar for the first time

She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.

The guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"

The guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"

Then the bartender looked at the lady & said: And you..?

The lady replied: "Parmjeet kaur, Married.

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999? He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

Because... he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, ...only 90's kids remember the 90's

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.

'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.

The man: 'not a single penny'

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."

So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?

The man replies, No, I haven't.

The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.

The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.

How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there's not a single person there.

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation..

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

A frustrated student handed in his exam.

"I've been writing for two hours, yet i haven't answered a single question!" he complained.

"Well done, that's a straight A." replied the Politics Teacher.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?

What dear? She asked gently.

I think you bring me bad luck.

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...

I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.

If your crush is single...

It is 1v20

If she is taken...

It is 1v1

Work smarter not harder

"Pre-" means before and "Post-" means after, so to use both together in a single word would be...

preposterous

​

cheers all :)

Feminists are the reason I am single

If it wasn't for them, some girl out there would've been forced to settle for me by now.

A professor said that

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Wife joke….

"That's it, I'm getting a divorce. Every single night my wife goes out going from pub to pub all across the town. She literally goes to every single one some nights. I can't take it anymore".


"What is she doing?"


"She's looking for me!"

How did the one armed man save the world?

Single handedly!

So in the end all the dinosaurs were wiped out by a single asteroid.

Silly them for all standing in the same place.

My father bought me up single handedly....

It's not easy being the son of a pirate.

I do not want to hear any more jokes about cows….

I've herd them all so don't udder a single word.

Today, I asked my phone Siri, why am I still single?

and it activated the front camera.

I entered in a room full of married people

There wasn't a single person there.

My wife got angry when I switched our king sized bed for a double

I thought it would bring us closer together...

And she even slapped me when I suggested we go single