Similar Jokes

What are some Similar jokes?

CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.

Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield?

She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.

Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"

Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?

Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today

Their names aren't even that similar

What's the similarity between dark humor and food?

Some people don't get it.

Two men on a train both have black eyes.

Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"

Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful busty girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"

Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

How are a grenade and a wife similar?

If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone

Jesus and floppy discs are very similar

They both died to become the image of saving

What's the similarity between Nike and the KKK?

They both make black men run faster.

My sex life and gaming life are pretty similar.

I play a lot of single player.

What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?

Americans don't get them.

What's the similarity between semicolons and pregnancies?

Both mean you won't be seeing a period for a little while.

What's the similarity between 6th Sense and Titanic?

Icy dead people.

The only similarity between Bernie Sanders's speeches and Hillary's speeches is

......both inspire you to vote against Hillary.

Racism and Nickelback are very similar

It's fun to joke about them, but you never wanna see them live.

My girlfriend and i are quite similar

They're both imaginary

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they'll have the time as well as the inclination.

How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar?

Total internal reflection.

What's the similarity between a joke and a small, cute, furry mammal?

They both die when dissected

Why are stoners and prime numbers so similar?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they become

Some people think vasectomies and castration are similar procedures

but there's a vas deferens between the two.

What's the similarity between a dead Hitler and a cat?

They both have nein lives.

What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison?

They both turn "o" into "O".

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They're both flying information.

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel. So you may have heard of Achilles' heel, or the Achilles' tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.

What's the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

They both fear the wurst

What's the similarity between Hitler and an asthma patient?

Neither of them can finish a race.

What is the similarity between a tornado in Alabama, and a divorce in Alabama?

No matter how you look at it, somebody is losing a trailer.

You might think a man's anatomy is quite similar to a woman's....

But there's a vas deferens.

A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.

"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"

"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."

The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.

"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."

The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.

"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."

The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.

"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

Why is dark humour, and food so similar?

Because not everyone gets it.

How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar

They both only come when your sleeping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.

Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"

Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree?

If it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.

What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker?

They both take away the coffin.

A statistician, a mathematician, and a biologist are standing outside a house.

They watch two people walk in. A couple hours later, they watch three people walk out.

The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: "Oh, we must have miscounted."

The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, "Ah, they must have reproduced!"

Meanwhile, the mathematician arrived at the solution almost immediately: "If one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!"

Skyrim guards and Pornhub share a similar rule

No Loli Gagging

How are a woman and a tornado similar?

They start off sucking and blowing but then in the end you lose your house.

Why is bungee jumping, and a prostitute similar?

You pay money for some quick fun and if he rubber breaks, you're dead!

What's a similarity between obese people, and my relationships with women?

They don't work out.

A father is getting his daughter ready for bed...

during her bedtime prayer she said, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandpa." The father found that to be a little weird, but the following day the little girl's grandfather passed away.
The next night at bedtime her prayer was was similar, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the following day, the little girl's grandma passed away.
The following night at bedtime the daughter gave the most terrifying prayer yet, "bless Mommy, bless my brother, goodbye Daddy." That night the father did not get one bit of sleep, and the following day he made every effort possible to be as careful as he could. Thankfully he made it through the day just fine. Arriving home he told his wife what a terrible day he had to which she interrupted him with, "Oh, you think you've had a horrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"

What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?

They both like to crack open a cold one

How are a grenade and a girlfriend similar?

If they're good ones, they'll both blow really well.

Two Dogs Are In The Vet

Two dogs are in the vet office, waiting to be seen. The first dog turns to the one to his left and asks, "what are you in for?"

The other dog looks at him sadly and says, "our neighbors got a really smoking hot poodle, so I jumped the fence and did her right then and there. I'm here to get neutered."

The first dog sighs and says, "yeah, I'm here for a similar situation. My owner has a really hot girlfriend. She had just gotten out of the shower, and I just couldn't help myself. I plowed her good."

"So you're getting neutered too?"

"Nah, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

I'm going to open a restaraunt called pantera bread

It will be similar to panera bread, but the food we serve will be much heavier

How is a hand grenade and your wife similar?

Take off the ring, and you lose your house and car.

A dog walks into the vet's office

A dog walks into the vet's office and he meets another dog. This other dog looks petrified. The first dog says, "Hey pal, what's the matter?"

The second dog says, "I can't stop humping things. I hump the sofa. I hump the pillows. I can't help myself. The final straw came when I humped a guest's leg. I'm here to get neutered."

The first dog says, "I have a similar problem. The other night my master's wife was wearing a short robe and when she bent over to take her slippers off, I mounted her and started humping her."

The second dog frowns and says, "I guess you're here to get neutered too."

The first dog winks and says, "Nah, just getting my nails clipped."

What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle

(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

What's similar between a racehorse and a leaky faucet?

They're both off and running.

What is the similarity between tornadoes and divorces in Kentucky?

... either way, someone is losing a trailer.

What's the similarity between a marriage and a tornado?

At the start there's lots of sucking and blowing but in the end you lose your house.

What's the similarity between iPhone 7 and my girlfriend?

They both let me stick it in only one place.

What is the similarity between tight rope walking and an old lady giving you head?

You don't want to look down.

3 men go to a hotel late at night

Only one room is left and there is only one large bed to sleep on, the men decide to go and share it.

The morning after...

Man on the left: Guys, I had an awesome dream last night. I hooked up with this smoking hot blonde and got a handjob!

Man on the right: whoa, what a coincidence... I had a similar dream but with a red head!

Man in the middle: That doesn't even touch the dream that I had! I was a professional skier!

What's the similarity between a bad postman and an eviction notice

There's nothing worse than the day they come in the mail

How are teenage boys and the enzyme helicase similar?

They both want to unzip your genes

What are the similarities between the Twin Towers and Genders?

There used to only be two, now it's a really touchy subject

Some years ago...

...a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?" The Spaniard replied; "No."

How are women and tsunamis similar?

At first things are wet and intense, then you lose your house.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with the money from the collection plate.

The priest says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God; whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.

The minister explains that he has a very similar method: He draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle he gives to God, whereas whatever lands inside the circle he keeps.

I, too, have a system, the rabbi says. I throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!

A Politician's Tells

Especially given recent events, it's important to be able to understand how to read a politician. Every politician has similar tells, you see...
When a politician rubs their nose, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their chin, they're telling the truth.
When a politician strokes their beard, they're telling the truth.
When a politician loosens their tie, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their ear, they're telling the truth.
But when a politician opens their mouth, that's when you know they're lying.

On second thoughts, Jared Fogle and Subway are pretty similar.

I mean, both stick 38 year old meat into 10 year old buns.

Similarity between a feminist and a gun?

They are both loud when triggered.

How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

Dork Ruined Joke Then Deleted It Because He Couldn't Stand The Downvotes: Reposted Right

An American gentleman arranged a liaison with a Japanese lady. As they were indulging in sexual intercourse, she repeatedly shouted a Japanese word which he did not understand but took to mean "Wonderful" or something similar which increased his ardor, his efforts with the lady, and his enjoyment, as well as her apparent enjoyment because she kept shouting that word.

The next day, he played golf with some Japanese business associates and hit a hole in one. In elation, he shouted out the same word his poule de nuit had been shouting the night before. One of the Japanese gentlemen present, perplexed, asked, "What do you mean "'wrong hole'"?

What's the similarity between sodomy and broccoli?

Even with butter, children will still not like them

What is the similarity between women and square roots?

If they are under 16 you should just do them in your head.

How is driving a Ford truck similar to visiting Thailand?

Either way, you're likely to blow a tranny

How is a pedophile similar to a tortoise?

They both want to get there before the hare.

A teacher enters a class room for the first time.

he notices that two of the guys sitting together looks similar to each other.The teacher curiously asks them

Teacher :Are you guys twins?

Guys:No sir, we are neighbors.

Cans of paint

A man knocks on his neighbor's door:

"Hi. I noticed you painted your bedroom last month and since we have a similar house, I thought I'd ask you how many cans of paint you bought."

"Sure thing! We bought seven cans"

"Awesome, thanks!"

A few days later, the man knocks on his neighbor's door again, looking a bit ticked.

"Hello again, what's up?"

"Well, the other day, you told me you bought seven cans of paint for your bedroom, right?"


"Well, the whole room is painted and we have three cans left".

"Oh, you too?"

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are discussing how they use the money in their collection plates...

The minister says: "I draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle I keep for myself and whatever lands outside I give to the Lord."

The priest says: "I have a similar process but when I draw my circle and throw my money I keep whatever lands outside the circle and give what lands inside to the Lord."

The rabbi says: " I throw the money in the air and whatever God wants, he takes!"

The similarities between alcohol and girls...

... Both have the quality of giving pleasure at night and headache in the morning.

How are bad dubstep and constipation similar?

Both leave you waiting for the drop.

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero, Bophades?

See, Bophades had a story very similar to that of Achilles. Like Achilles, he was bathed in the River Styx as a child. The Styx, like Achilles gave Bophades near invulnerability. However, unlike Achilles, who was vulnerable in the heel, Bophades was vulnerable in the groin. You know how you've heard of "Achilles' heel"? Well now you've got to see "Bophades' nuts".

Chewing and eating are very similar things.

But getting chewed out and getting eaten out are very different.

What is similar between dark humour and a child with terminal cancer?

It never gets old.

How are Michael Jackson and Starfish Tuna similar?

They both come in little cans.

There was one similarity between Lincoln and Kennedy's assassination that everyone overlooked...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe

Computers and taxis are surprisingly similar.

They both crash when the drivers stop working.

What's the similarity between Kodak and condoms?

They are both there to catch those special moments.

What is the similarity between acetone and Hitler?

They both remove polish

What's the similarities between princess Diana and Pink Floyd?

Their last big hit was the wall

How is a congressman and a dog similar?

When you ask them to speak they will, but it doesn't mean anything.

Why are condoms and bungee-jumping similar?

You're screwed if the rubber breaks.

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