Silly Jokes

Following is our collection of Silly funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Silly jokes

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"

Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."

Husband: (trying to be playful) "Next time take the car, silly."

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

Are you a VIRGIN?

Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Joe was amazed!

"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"

How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*

Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"

Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".

"I'm leaving you!..."

I've had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I'm leaving you!

But honey, what about our child?

What child?!

Oh, so you're not pregnant?

A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke

Dog: Tell me a joke

Man: Don't be silly, you're a dog

Dog: Oh, go on

Man: You're a dog, you won't understand

Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese

Man: OK. Knock Knock

Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….

Will you get mad?

Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?*

Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?*

Wife: *No, silly. Of course not*

Husband: *I slept with your sister*

My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.

That's just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.

My mum didn't think I'd give our daughter a silly name...

... but I called her Bluff.

A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.

The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said You know you wanna . Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Use contraceptives kids.

I asked my wife for the newspaper

I said to my wife, "Get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."

The spider didn't see that coming.

A young girl accepts a dare, and wins a dollar

she tells her mom about it, saying how the boys dared her to climb a post.

"Silly girl, that's so they could look up your skirt."

So the next day, the girl comes back and says "They tried to make me climb that post again, but I outsmarted them this time!"

"Really? What did you do?"

"I told them 'I'm not going to be fooled into reposting!"

You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

My mom was watching TV when an Ad for an Alzheimer's medication cam on...

She says to me "Grab a pencil and paper and write down this medication in case i get Alzheimer's so you know what med to give me." I said "Mom don't be silly. You have already written it down five times"

Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."

"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."

Newspaper and IPAD

I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. "Don't be silly", she replied. "Borrow my iPad." .... That spider didn't knew what f***ing hit it.

What borders on silly?

MΓ©xico & Canada

I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper

"Don`t be silly", she replied, "you can borrow my ipad".

That fly never knew what hit it.

My wife told me I only hear what I want to hear

I replied don't be silly, of course I'll take a blow job

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

I never remember silly things

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.

One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.

Really? ,

one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?

Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.

Yes that's it, he exclaimed.

Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?

I Went To The Patent Office.

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

What's the difference between a straw and a Dutch comedian?

One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander.
I'll see myself out.

My girlfriend broke up with me for gaming too much...

What a silly thing to Fallout 4.

Goodbye Mother.

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:

"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."

"Oh, that's ok," he said.

"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.

Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.

"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.

"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"

"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."

I asked my husband for the newspaper. "Don't be silly," he said. "Use my iPad."

That spider never knew what hit it.

When my wife told me she was going to give me some mental oral sex, I thought it was going to be silly.....

....but she actually blew my mind!

A young man shopping in a supermarket

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $137.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

A woman driving through the desert runs over a Jack rabbit...

Distraught, she pulls over and begins to sob. Another driver pulls up, gets out of their vehicle, and asks what is wrong.

"Oh! I've killed that poor rabbit!" The woman exclaims.

"Don't worry about something so silly, I can fix this!" The other driver exclaims, then walls over and opens her trunk. She pulls out an aerosol spray can, walks over, and sprays the dead rabbit from head to toe.

After a moment, the rabbit twitches, gets up, hops a few feet, stops, then waves its paw at them. Over and over, as the recently forlorn woman watches in amazement, the rabbit hips a few feet further away, stops, waves, etc, etc.

"That's incredible!" The first woman says, "let me see that can!"

The second woman hands her the can. The label reads:

Aqua net adds new life and a permanent wave to damaged hair.

My wife always asks me: if she dies, will I remarry? And I say don't be silly honey...

I never make the same mistake twice.

I asked a blonde, "How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

She answered, "Two. But they can't fit inside a light bulb to screw in it, silly."

A man gets pulled over with 5 penguins in his car.

The cop tells the man "sir you can't drive around with penguins in your car."
The man says "I wasn't aware, what should I do with them"
"Bring them to the zoo"

The next day the man gets pulled over again and the same cop approaches the car and says "sir I thought I told you to bring those penguins to the zoo"
The man says "I did, and we had such a great time today I'm bringing them to the beach"
(I know this is a silly joke, it was told to me by a friend of my grandfathers.)

[request] Silly clean jokes for a six-year-old boy I work with

There's this boy I work with at a hospital, and he's *so* adorable and nice. Unfortunately, he's really sick right now – I want to cheer him up with some silly clean popsicle-stick-style jokes, which he enjoys greatly. Any ideas?

When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing

How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists

Silly Drunks.

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice on the line.

"Nevermind," he said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

I was telling my wife about how diabetes runs in my family.

She told me, "Don't be silly, nobody runs in your family."

I met this little boy today who told me he is starting at a new school tomorrow and was afraid that the other kids would bully him.

I told him, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize. Why would anyone pick on you?"

What's the difference between a funny Dutch man and a tube?

one is a hollow cylinder while the other is a silly hollander.

Racist joke. If you're going to get offended just don't read it.

A young black kid observed that there seemed to be some advantages in being white, so he went off and painted himself white all over. He went and showed his mother who roused on him, and told him to go and show his father. This he did, and his father not only roared at him for being so silly, but cuffed him over the ears and sent him on his way. The boy went on and sat on his favorite log pondering his position and feeling very glum. His mate came along and asked him what was wrong. "I've only been a white kid for half and hour," he replied, "and I hate those
black bastards already!"

What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

I have two kids, five and seven

Silly names I know.

The lost son

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him
and said:
"I hope I haven't made you feel
uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that's ok," he said.
"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady
proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back,
and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his
groceries.
"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things
"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her"

Grandpa was sitting on the porch...

...when he saw little Timmy jamming the earthworm back to its hole.
Grandpa: Silly Timmy, you cant put that worm back inside son.
Timmy: Bet you $50 i can grandpa.
Grandpa: Sure, its a deal!

So little Timmy gets hairspray from the house and sprayed it all over the worm, the worm stiffened like a stick and Timmy was able to put it back inside its hole. Grandpa, looking amazed, gives Timmy the $50, grabs the hairspray and went inside the house.

15 minutes later Grandpa came back with another $50 and gave it to Timmy

Timmy: Grandpa, you already gave me $50.

Grandpa: Oh, this one is from your grandma.

They say inside every fat person is a skinny person trying to get out.

But that's silly. Surely the skinny people aren't still alive after they eat them.

I can't decide what to buy for my farm?

Farmer Giles: I can't decide whether to buy a cow or a bicycle for my farm?

Farmer Miles: You'd look pretty silly riding a cow.

Farmer Giles: I'd look even sillier milking a bicycle!

Cheeky

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

A man is texting his wife...

"Alright, see you soon!" the man says to his wife.

She responds "Isn't there something you forgot to tell me?"

The man then replies "Oh yes! I forgot to tell you. I dont love you very much."

She then replies "Wait, what do you mean!?

the wife thinks to herself, "he must have made a typo, he probably meant to say "do," instead of "dont."

She replies, "Honey, did you make a typo in that sentence?"

The man then quickly responds "Silly me, I forgot the apostrophe!"

A man goes along to the Patent Office...

A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's silly! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor, "you're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Cow!

Cow who?

A cow says moo, silly.

(my 5 year old daughter made me submit this... )

I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes.

I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.

.

.

.

.

I'll see myself out.

A man and a women are in Hawaii on their honeymoon

They start arguing over the pronunciation of "Hawaii".

The man says it is pronounced "Hawaii" while the woman firmly believes it is pronounced "Havaii".

The woman is sick of this silly argument interfering with their vacation so she asks a local how it is pronounced and he says "Havaii".

The woman was elated to hear that she was correct and thanks the local for his help.

He responds, "You're Velcome".

A College Blonde

A blonde girl came home from college one day and told her mother that a boy had paid her a dollar to climb up a ladder and get his ball from off the roof.

"You silly girl," her mother said, "he just wanted you to climb the ladder so he could look up your skirt and see your undies."

The next day the same little girl came home from college and told her mother that the same boy gave her a dollar again to climb a ladder and get his ball off the roof. Just before her mother could admonish her for being silly, the little girl said, "No mum, this time I tricked him. I wasn't wearing any undies!

How do we know Iran doesn't have weapons of mass destruction?

You can't destroy mass, silly.

and the kid got kicked out of class...

Student: Teacher, can I get in trouble for something I didnt do?
Teacher: of course not, John. That would be silly.
Student: Okay good, because I didn't do my homework!

A gorgeous blonde is stranded on an island...

Two cannibals, father and son, find her.
The son says to the father: Wow dad! She is beautiful! Are we going to eat her?
To which the father replies: No son. Don't be silly, we're keeping her. We're eating your mother.

Silly Grandad

Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its called intercourse and thats how you make babys." ten minutes later John returns "Freds mum said its called bunkbeds, and she needs a word with you"

Suicidal Blonde

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.


"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.


"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.


"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"


"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6000 for these, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'"


"So, then?" asked the doctor.


"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'"


"So, then?"


"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise,' so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

A silly old man came to my work and told me this joke and it stuck with me.

Out in the middle of the country was a general store.

A man was riding in one day and saw a dog sitting next to the door.

He walks by the dog and goes into the store to get what he needs.

After buying his items he asked the owner of the store if his dog bites strangers.

Which he replied with, "Of coarse not, he's as sweet as granny's iced tea!"

So, as the man leaves he goes to pet the dog and the dog chomps on his

hand. The man yowls in pain and goes back into the store to yell at the

owner.

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR DOG DIDN'T BITE?!?" he yells.

"He doesn't." the man says, "But, that sir is not my dog"

Hats off to those people brave enough to wear those silly New Years hats at work.

No... I meant take your hats off. You look stupid.

LifeProTip: If your child wants to help name your pet...

..let them pick the middle name. That way if they pick something silly, you can still refer to your pet by the normal name. For example, my 4 year old's rabbit is now named

Peter "floppy-eared-princess" Smith

Similarly, my 15 year old's gecko is named

Freddy "Fuck-you-this-isn't-a-phase" Smith

A man is captured by pirates...

The pirates tell the man that they will throw him over the ship into the ocean but tell him he can have one last meal before he goes

He tells them he wants nothing but root beer, although confused, the pirates grant him his one last request

The man drinks the root beer until he feels fit to burst, and he tells the pirates he's ready to be thrown over

They toss him into the water and to their surprise, he doesn't sink!!

The man then yells to the pirates
"Silly pirates, don't you know. Root beer floats!!"

He then laughs as he floats away to safety

I was packing my luggage with German sausage, when my wife told me, "Don't overfill it. Last time it exploded in the airport and you caused a scene".

"Dont be silly", I said, "you're always thinking of the wurst case scenario".

Don't be silly, I'm not objectifying women.

I'm not sexually attracted to objects.

Stolen from the broken shower thread: hillbilly joke

Two hillbillies got married. On their wedding night, the hillbilly groom admitted that he was a virgin and didn't really know what to do.

The hillbilly bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.

My, look at the composure on their faces, says the Englishman. With such calm and reserved looks, surely they must be English!

Nonsense! says the Frenchman. No English person was ever that beautiful! Surely, they must be French!

The Russian laughs. Silly capitalists, arguing over stupid nonsense like this! Answer is obvious! Adam and Eve have no food, no clothes, and no shelter, and yet they are told they are living in paradise! Clearly, they are living in Soviet Russia!

Some people say Canadian province names are silly.

Personally, I'll have Nunavut.

Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"

"And who will you be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes