Silent Night Jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.
He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.
The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side.
I just thought I'd check out the same way."

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."
The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."
They were silent for a moment.
Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

A drunk looks at his watch...

A man, who has fattened the coffers of the local pub this night, looks at his watch and says, "Well, it's about time I go home, and spend some quality time with the wife."
He gets out of his chair, and can't even take two steps without falling on his face. "Don't worry!" he yells, "I can just *crawl* home!" Everyone in the bar has a good laugh at his optimism, and the man crawls out of the bar.
Once outside, he realizes he needs to sober up. Takes a few deep breaths, uses a lamp post to pull himself up... and proceeds to fall flat on his face again. "I don't live *that* far..." the drunk reasons to himself. So he crawls home... it takes him nearly an hour to get there. He's finally at his front door, and he's trying to open it all silent-like, but his wife opens the door and has that scowl of *you-f**...-up*.
"How much did you have to drink tonight?" she asked, nonplused.
"I--" and before he can even lie, she says, "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping
trip...

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they
retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies
Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.
Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately
a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that
God is all powerful and that we are a small and
insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell
you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!
he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

A woman was walking home all alone...

It was late at night in a sketchy part of town. She notices the figure of a tall dark man about a block behind her, but thinks nothing of it and continues to walk home. A little while later she checks again and the figure is still there, but this time significantly closer to her, she quickens her pace and continues checking over her shoulder, each time the dark figure closes the gap little by little. She decides she can't take it anymore and starts running, the chase is on. In a moment of panic the woman turns down a dead end alleyway, wherein the stalker knew she was trapped. The figure, slowly approaching the dainty, defenseless victim let out a s**... but grimacing "mmmm." The woman tried to scream, but nothing came from her t**..., she was slowly accepting her fate and slumped into a corner, clinging to the wall, pleading and weeping silently to herself. The would be r**... then threw open its trench coat, revealing tight fitting clothes over a woman's body, and childishly shrieked "Orange you glad I don't have a banana?"

Two friends are on vacation…

…they're staying in nice hotels and the first guy asks the second,
"How's your stay been going so far?"
To which the second friend replies, "Awesome, 'cause listen to this: there's live s**... shows every night here!"
"Really? Where at?"
"The next room over from mine."
The first friend goes silent for a bit. The second guy finally speaks up and says, "What's wrong?"
To which the first replies, "That's my room."
After another awkward pause, the second friend finally says, "Ohhhh. Y'know, you should REALLY get a partner."

John gets a Christmas parrot

John decided to get his wife a Christmas present. Maybe a puppy. Walking in to the pet store, he searches for the right puppy.
"Excuse me sir, are you looking for a Christmas present?" the clerk asked. "Yes, I think she would like a puppy," John replies.
"Here," motioning towards the back of the store, "we have a very special bird, Chet. He sings Christmas carols. See, light a match and hold it under his left foot." The parrot begins to sing, "Silent night, holy night." Pulling the match away, "And now his right foot." The parrot sings, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh." "Perfect," John exclaims.
Molly was home as she hears John knocking on the door. Letting him in, John proudly smiles, "His name is Chet. I got you a singing parrot!" Raising a eyebrow, Molly stares at him. Placing the parrot on his stand, John lights a match. "Listen to him sing when I hold the match under his left foot." The parrot begins to sing again, "Silent night, holy night." Pulling the match away, "And now his right foot." The parrot sings, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh."
"Well, what do you think?" Jon smiles. Molly stood quietly, "What would happened if you hold the match, well, between his feet?"
Holding the match between his feet, the parrot squawks, "CHET'S NUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE!"

Dying Wish

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."
When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked the man what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.
When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will consort with a lowly sideways-walking crab!"
Devastated, but with no other choice, the fish princess goes to her crab and delivers the news. "My father says we can't be together," she tells him, "he says you're a lowly side-walker, and that I'm forbidden to see you." The crab, crushed by the news, turns and sadly walks away - sidewise, of course.
That night there was a gala ball at the fish palace. All the nobility of the undersea kingdom was there in attendance including, of course, the fish king and princess. Then, at the very height of festivities, the doors to the ballroom suddenly burst open... and there was the crab.
The entire room burst into excited whispers, all the attendees having heard the rumor of the princess' affair with a side-walking commoner. To their surprise, however, before their very eyes, the crab took one step forward... then another step forward... and another... walking forward down the red carpet toward the king on his throne.
As the crab approached the king the room went silent in anticipation. The crab looked the king square in the eye... opened his mouth... and slurred "I am soooooo super drunk right now."

A priest is on a bus (kinda long)...

...and spots a very beautiful nun sitting a couple of rows ahead. He was about to approach her when he remembered that nuns took vows of celibacy. Disheartened, he sat down. The bus driver, noticing this, asked the priest, "What's wrong?" The priest explained his situation to the driver. The driver was silent for a bit, then he said, "I have an idea that can resolve your predicament. I know for a fact that every night, the nun visits the graveyard to pay respect to the dead. What you have to do is dress up like Jesus Christ and she will do anything you command." The priest, doubtful, asked, "Are you sure this will work?" The bus driver responded, "Positively, you just have to try." So the next day, as darkness fell, the priest put on his costume and went to the graveyard. Sure enough, the nun was there. He approached her, and the nun, shocked and amazed by the sight of the Lord, stood silently in awe. The priest then told her to bend over and proceeded to have her way with her. When he was done he removed his costume and exclaimed, "Surprise, it's me, the priest!" The nun, without further ado, removed her veil and said, "Surprise, it's me, the bus driver!"

What does it tell you, Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute. Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.
Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

Holmes and Watson on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.
What does that tell you? Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. He rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Cornishman on an overseas flight.

After a few drinks, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Cornishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "and how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once me ansum," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

A plane is flying over the Atlantic

When suddenly the speaker comes on, it's the pilot, "A minor delay has occurred, we will be one hour late due to an engine faling, please do not panic this is a minor problem". The passengers are a litte worried but people carry on as normal. An hour later the speaker comes on again, "The flight will be delayed by two hours as our second engine has failed, do not worry this is a minor problem.". People are starting to get nervous now and talk among theirselves. Another hour later the speaker comes on yet again, " Ladies and gentlemen i'm afraid to announce we have lost our third engine and have only one remaining, this will delay us by five hours". The plane is dead silent with worry, when suddenly an Irish man at the back of the plane speaks up, "Well let's hope we don't lose another or we'll be up here all night!"

A lady and her butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

Christmas in July

A guy wants to get a really unique gift for his new wife for their fist Christmas together so he walks into a pet store with a sign advetising an amazing singing parrot. He goes to the counter to explain his situation and inquires about the bird. The shop keeper explains the bird would be perfect and takes the man over to show him what the bird can do.
The shop keeper explains that the bird's name is Chet and that he works on cues then produces a book of matches from his pocket. Lighting one he holds it below the parrots right foot and immediately Chet begins to sing "Silent Night" so beuatiful it rivals Perry Como. The keeper then moves the match to the left foot and Chet begans singing "White Christmas" even more beautifully than the first song.
The man exclaims "Thats amazing, does he know any other songs?"
Oh yes, replies the shop keeper as he moves the match to between the birds legs..."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire"

Every night at the pub...

...the Irishman followed the same ritual. He ordered five shots of whiskey, then held each glass up in a silent toast, and drank them down in turn.
After seeing this for weeks on end, the bartender's curiosity got the best of him, and he said to the Irishman, "I notice you always order five shots. Is there a story behind that?"
"Aye, lad. I have four brothers, and we used to go out drinking every night. They've since moved away, so, as a tribute, I always order a shot for each of them and one for myself."
One night the Irishman came in and ordered four shots of whiskey. "I'm afraid to ask..." said the bartender. "Did something happen to one of your brothers?"
"Nay, lad, my brothers are fine. It's me. My doctor said I have to quit drinking."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

Sorry if re-post, a friend sent it to me over a text, and I thought it was worthy enough to go on here!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. After dinner, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged Watson.
"Watson, look up at the sky. tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see billions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Getting Lost in the Woods...

So a young reporter went to a village deep in the woods of Estonia, where she approached the mayor, asking for an interesting story for her newspaper.
The mayor smiled, and said "Last month, this s**... young lady from the village got lost. So I gathered all the men together, and we search through the night and found her, then we took turns nailing her!"
The reporter, stunned, says "I can't use that story...is there anything else that happened, maybe less dirty?"
The mayor leaned back and said..."Well in all the excitement, the girls Mother- she's old but ok looking, went missing. So I got about half of the men from the village... and we found her, then took turns nailing her."
The reporter threw up her hands in frustration. "Mr. Mayor, I can't use those stories...how about you...has anything interesting happened to you lately?"
The mayor grew silent and then said, after a sigh he said: "I got lost last week...but we won't talk about that!"

A Sherlock Holmes Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner , they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute. Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.
Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

A tale about a cowboy's horse

After a long night of drinking beers in the local bar a cowboy decides to head home. He exits the bar and searches for his horse, only to find out that his horse is not there anymore. Infuriated he went back in the bar and screams out loud:'Who stole my horse?'
The bar remaining dead silent, leaving the man to no other option then screaming: 'If no one tells me where my horse is, the same will happen as in 1989, and I do not like to let that happen again...'
With everyone in the bar now terrified, no one dared to speak up or tell the angry cowboy anything. The cowboy repeats himself one more time: 'I do not want to let the same thing happen as in 1989, remember that y'all.'
At that moment, one brave man dares to speak up and ask the mad cowboy what happened back in 1989. 'Then, then I went back home by foot.'

An American, a Canadian and a Macedonian...

An American and a Canadian were seated next to a Macedonian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the American bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Canadian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me how she could never love another man."
When the Macedonian remained silent, the Canadian smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the American arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson Go Camping...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her...

and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished & was still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then she switched on the light...
No madam, said the gardener…

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

A doctor, a priest and an economist were out golfing.

The group in front of them was playing really slowly and they were getting impatient. It soon got to the point where they had to go to the manager to ask the group in front of them to be kicked off the course. The manager told them the players in the group in front of them were all firemen who had been blinded while saving the clubhouse from a fire.
The priest was incredibly remorseful and as a man of faith, he said he should not have cursed out the players ahead of him.
The doctor said that he had taken the hippocratic oath and was supposed to help people like the blinded fireman and vowed to help them in whatever way possible.
The economist, who had been silent for this whole time, suddenly speaks up and asks, "Wouldn't it be more efficient for them to golf at night?"

A Rich Woman And Her Butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

Ask Jeeves

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my bra and p**...." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

True dedicating

A USAF Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the A1C who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young A1C responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.

A Pastor, a Doctor, and an Engineer...

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.
The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.
The group is silent for a moment.
The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Sherlock and Watson Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Sherlock and Watson take a vacation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

The Trap

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.

A German baby was adopted by a wealthy couple

He grew into a happy, healthy boy, except for one thing: he never spoke.
After five years of silence, little Wolfgang's parents began to worry that he might have a disability. They took him to all the best pediatricians and speech therapists, but none could provide a solution.
One night after dinner, Wolfgang was served his dessert. Suddenly he cried out, "Mother! This strudel is a bit tepid!"
"Wolfgang!" his mother exclaimed, "You can speak! All these years, you've been silent. Why haven't you spoken to me before now?"
"Well," Wolfgang said, "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

A man is sent to prison..

And on his first night there a man yells "13!" & everyone erupts with laughter. Moments later another man shouts "17!" & again everyone laughs. This happens several more times so the man decides to ask his cell mate what's going on.
"We've been in here so long that we decided to give numbers to jokes. When someone says a number we all know what joke it's assigned to". The man decides to try it & yells "24!" & nobody laughs. He tries again "31!" & again it's silent.
He looks at his cell mate and asks why nobody is laughing.
"Hey man, some guys can tell a joke..some can't".
(I'm sorry..)

The husband jokes about his wife being fat

While the couple is dining, the husband says "Oh my god woman, aren't you eating too much? Look at you with that dress. You look just like our washing machine!". The wife is visibly upset, but stay silent for the rest of the day.
That night, already on the bed, the husband is feeling bad about what he said and try to make amends. "Okay dear, I'm sorry, let's put this nonsense behind us. How about we put this s**... washing machine to work, huh?" The wife looks at him and answers "Oh 'dear', I don't think that's necessary. That little piece of rag that you have there you can wash with your own hands in ten seconds."

3 guys come back late from a night of drinking...

They met for brunch for the next day.
Guy 1: I drank way to much, first thing I did when I got home I blew Chunks...
Guy 2: That's nothing, I wrapped my car around a tree on my way home.
Guy 3: I beat all of you, I was arguing with my wife and knocked a candle over! It destroyed the whole house.
It went silent for a minute.
Guy 1: I don't think you guys understand. Chunks is my dog.

Drinking tea is bad for you.

Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.
I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.
You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.
I was peaceful, silent, and heading to bead as she shouted at me... All Night Long. Even into the next morning!
Please, ladies.... If you can't handle your tea, then just don't drink it!

Two guys sitting next to each other in a loud, crowded bar...

Over all the noise, o**... turns to the other guy and says, "I had s**... with your mother last night". The other guy just shakes his head and turns away.
About 2 drinks later, the first guy says a little louder, "I BANGED your mother last night!!" A few people around them stopped what they were doing to see how the other guy was going to respond, but he just turns away clearly embarrassed.
3 shots later, the first guy yells as loud as he possibly can, "I DESTROYED YOUR MOM IN BED LAST NIGHT!!!" This time the entire bar heard and the room fell silent in shock...
The other guy turns to him and says, "Dad, go home.. you're drunk!"