Silent Jokes
141 silent jokes and hilarious silent puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about silent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover how and why the art of silent jokes is making a comeback! Learn all about the different ways people are using silence to create humor and why it's becoming popular again. Explore topics such as silent WhatsApp groups, silent letters, the silent treatment, silent discos, silent auctions, silent hill, silent movies, silent marriages, silent retreats, silent nights, being mute, and staying motionless. Get the scoop on why the pterodactyl was called the dinosaur of silence.
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Funniest Silent Short Jokes
Short silent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The silent humour may include short quiet jokes also.
- An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
- Queue sounds like q followed by 4 silent letters, but… They're just waiting their turn.
- My wife was wondering why she was so itchy I asked why she pronounced it with a silent "B"
- "Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked. She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
- Just told my friend his gf is a cheater I sent him a text saying the y in your girlfriend is silent
- My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.
- My wife gave me the silent treatment for a week... It ended when I told her "We've been getting along really well lately".
- From my 8yo daughter. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.
- Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.
Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent. - My wife was complaining the other night. She said "I'm all itchy."
I told her "The B isn't silent."
Maybe she'll let me back in the house next week.
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Silent One Liners
Which silent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with silent? I can suggest the ones about silence and invisible.
- I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent... It goes without saying
- Coffee is the silent victim in our house... It gets mugged every day.
- I invented silent tennis... It's like regular tennis but without the racket.
- My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr'.
- What does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the bathroom? Nothing, the pee is silent
- Why did the Hobbit put his phone on silent? Because he was bored of the rings!
- My girlfriend likes it when I am silent. She thinks I am listening.
- i keep walking in on my Pterodactyl in the bathroom. Because his P is silent.
- Kale. I prefer mine with a silent "K"
- In the word "scent", is the S or the C silent? Not even *sc*ience can explain that...
- Some say the "e" in the word "subtle" is silent But I just pronounce it subtly.
- Donald Trump is 74 The 7 is silent.
- Why's the letter 'x' often silent? It's just a little cross.
- I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East It's titled A Kuwait Place
- I find it disappointing that the word "stealth" doesn't have a silent letter in it.
Silent Night Jokes
Here is a list of funny silent night jokes and even better silent night puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment? An Incommunicado
A joke I made up last night. Quarantine's really getting to me - We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve. We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night'.
- What is a mother's favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.
- The "Silent Night" song is a lie It's not silent, and it probably wasn't sung at night.
- Christmas in the Library What is the librarians favorite Christmas song?
Silent Night - What do you say we make this a Not-so-Silent Night?
- Whats the German version of silent night? Kristall nacht
Silent Treatment Jokes
Here is a list of funny silent treatment jokes and even better silent treatment puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A woman once gave her husband the silent treatment It lasted for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, Hey, we're getting along pretty great lately!
- My SO is giving me the silent treatment, so I tightened all the lids of our jars. Now she'll have to talk to me.
- My wife has been giving me the silent treatment for an entire week now We've never gotten along better.
- I was rude to my doctor today... ...so he gave me the silent treatment.
- I've perfected an AI as a substitute to a girlfriend. Every time I try to turn it on I get the silent treatment and there are no output to tell me what's wrong.
- An avocado-wife is giving her husband the silent treatment Husband: "I said you were the good kind of fat!"
- I think my Girlfriend is mad at me, she's giving me the silent treatment
- it's possible the left speaker is mad at me he's giving me the silent treatment
- I don't think I could date a deaf person... I couldn't take the silent treatment!
Silent Letters Jokes
Here is a list of funny silent letters jokes and even better silent letters puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Be wary about dating a female that pronounces the letter H silent Especially when she tells you that all she wants is happiness.
- The letter K walks into a bar... Bartender: We don't allow any noisy patrons in here.
K: No problem, I'm mostly silent anyway. - The word Queue Why are the letters "ueue" in Queue silent?
Q had its turn, the others are just waiting in line. - I never knew rap had 4 letters... They should have kept the silent c on the front.
- I slammed my hand on my keyboard as hard as possible. A bunch or letters showed up but not a single sound was made.
I guess I'm just the strong silent type. - I've never really understood silent letters... The T in Margot,
The U in biscuit,
The P in the Bath. - What is the only word in the English language with six silent letters? Londonderry
- Derry is the only word in the dictionary with 6 silent letters infront of it .
Silent Film Jokes
Here is a list of funny silent film jokes and even better silent film puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was offered a part in a silent film. I'm speechless.
- I watched a silent film version of Stephen Kings "it" the other day. It was Shh-it.
- A silent film star died today. He had no final words.
- what's the worst thing to say to someone who has "a face for radio"? ........you have the voice for a silent film
- Saw a Silent Film Festival today Logged into FB & scrolled through the feed.
- There is a new Jason vs Michael Myers movie coming out... ..I guess it will be a silent film?
Comical & Quirky Silent Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about silent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean idle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make silent pranks.
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her
You have the right to remain silent he says.
She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.
Why, you see, I'm just happy to finally have a right!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Ballerina
This n**..., sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman c**... it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas
and she went to the doctor and she said, "This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of f**... silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?" He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."
So a kid gets on a plane for the first time
and he is really excited about it. He is sitting inside the plane mid-flight when he finds out the plane's a Boeing. So he starts saying "Boeing.. Boeing.. Boeing.."
After a while when he doesn't stop the passengers start getting irritated, and the hostess comes along and tells the boy "Be Silent". So the boy starts "Oeing.. Oeing.. Oeing.. "
A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...
He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."
The doctor says "What is it?"
He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"
The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."
The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"
"A hearing specialist!"
Father buys a beetle farm for Jhonny one evening
Jhonny is so excited he keeps shouting "Beetle.. Beetle.. Beetle.." the entire night and next day. By evening next day the father is really irritated and says "BE SILENT!".
So Jhonny pauses for sometime and starts shouting "eetle.. eetle.. eetle.. "
How come Django's wife never hears Django coming?
The D is silent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind man walks into a bar...
...and after managing to find himself an empty seat at the bar he orders a pint.
Bartender fills the pint and as it is being placed in front of the blind man says, "hey Bartender, wanna hear a dumb blonde girl joke?"
Bar goes silent.
"Hey man," the Bartender says, "you're blind so there is a few things you should know before you tell your joke. You are in a d**... bar, the only one in town actually, and many of us are blonde. I am blonde. Sid the biker chick next to you is blonde and so is her girlfriend. The bouncer is also blonde along with the 2 chicks behind you playing pool. Do you really want to tell that joke?"
"Nah, you're right." says the blind man, "I would have to explain it too many times."
Blondes and Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
* The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
* The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
Four engineers in a car...
Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"
A joke my mommy told me :)
Once there was a woman sitting in the doctor's office, complaining of incessant gas. She says to the doctor.
"I've been having silent farts all day. I had one in the harris teeter, one in church and...um, one right now."
The doctor replied, "I think you need to get your hearing checked."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I tried e**... suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having s**....
She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!
Why can't your hear a pteradactyl go to the toilet?
Because the p is silent.
A blind man walks into a bar
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A man visits his doctor...
and says "Doc, you gotta help me. I have a terrible case of flatulence. Fortunately it's completely silent and there's no smell, but I haven't stopped passing gas for two days ! Can you help me ? "
Doc says "Yes, but first we need to check your hearing and your sinuses."
[ok, I'm walking off, no need to throw stuff.]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
"Silent farts that don't stink..."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A boy loses his cellphone
A boy loses his precious cellphone and asks his dad if he had seen it anywhere. His dad asks the boy
"Why don't you call it?"
"I left it on silent"
"Well you know what they say"
"What?"
"If you like it then you should've put a ring on it"
Comeback Joke
* nerds phone rings in class *
Cool Guy - awww, was that your mommy?
* whole class laughs *
Nerd Guy - nope, it was yours.
* whole class is silent *
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?
Today I was approached by Beyonce
Today I was approached by Beyonce who had just finished setting up at the studio. She said to me, "Excuse me hon. You haven't seen my phone have you? It's pink with a 'Bubblicious' cover on it."
I said, "No, sorry. Have you tried calling it?"
She said, "No. I put it on silent."
I said, "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it."
Bad egg jokes I thought of
1) what do you call it when you see a pretty egg?
- Egg sighting
2) what do you call it when a really annoying egg is quiet?
- Egg silent
3) what do you call it when a really hyper egg holds still?
- Egg static
4) what do you call it when an egg wonders if there is a god?
- Egg nostic
Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom?
Because the 'p' is silent.
A man enters a bar with a revolver
He climb up a table, looked around and yell.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE?!"
The bar went silent for a minute when suddenly a man at the back says.
"you are gonna need more than 6 shots pal!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus may have been offended
Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent f**..., what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to Japan on business and hires a p**....
He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.
The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
My 8 year old daughter just told me a Joke I had never heard before.
Why can't you hear a Pysduck urinating ?
Because the p is silent.
The word queue does't have 4 silent letters...
They are just waiting their turn.
EDIT
oh haha didN't realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys :D is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are the vegetarians silent during s**...?
Because they are shocked by the pleasure they can get from a piece of meat.
A girl was into bestality. One day her parents walked in on her, they all fell silent.
But someone had to address the elephant in the room!
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
The cellphone goes off in class...
Bully: "Aww, Is your Mommy calling you?"
The class emerges in snickers.
You: "Nope. Yours is."
The class becomes silent.
Three doctors are talking about death
The first, a dentist, says, When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.
Hey, adds the cardiologist, that's not a bad idea, I'd love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…
The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, I think scattering of the ashes is my option.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
An old man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem gas.
"It's non-stop," the man tells his doctor. "I just have this *constant* stream of silent gas pouring out of me. It might shock you to know that it's even been happening since I came into your office."
"OK," replies the doctor. "The first thing I'm going to recommend is a hearing test."
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...
But they were all silent compared to the person who invested in bitcoin
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand
The man yelled at the top of his lungs
"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"
The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied
"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"
A seventh grader asked his English teacher a question in class
"Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H .......in Hour, Honour. .....etc. She replied, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."
During lunch break that day, the teacher gave the student her packed lunch and asked him to heat it in the Cafeteria. He ate all the food and returned her the empty container.
Shocked, she asked: "What happened? The boy replied: "Madam, I thought 'H' was silent.
Did you hear about the musician who played through the silent part of a song?
He was charged with resisting a rest
A mime was arrested after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.
The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.
Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?
Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.
Angry guy : What's so funny?!?
Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !
I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"
"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man works up courage to ask his wife how many s**... partners she had before him
She says "really?" and goes silent. Doesn't say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks - "Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that s**... question?"
Raising her finger she says "Shhh. Be quiet, I'm still counting"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple are at the church when the wife whispers into the husband's ear "I just let out a silent f**.... What do I do?"
He responds:
"Get your ears checked"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. You'll like it here, he tells her. Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a m**....
Do you know who I am? the girl asks her new classmate. I'm the daughter of the principal.
The boy is silent and then asks her, Do you know who I am?
She shakes her head no. Good, says the boy as he walks away.
Two hunters.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says 911, whats your emergency? The hunter replies My friend just passed out and I don't know what to do! I think he might be dead! The emergency responder replies Before you do anything, make sure he is dead. The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says Ok, now what?
I used to be self-conscious that people could hear me when I used the bathroom. Then I became a psychiatrist.
Now my pee is silent.
A man goes to the Doctor
and tells him he's been having terrible gas, but his farts don't smell and they are always silent, so nobody seems to notice.
The Doctor prescribes him a pill and asks tells him to come back in a week.
The man returns a week later and the Doctor asks if there had been any change in his condition.
Yes! The man says. I still have terrible gas, but now my farts smell horrible!!
Great! Says the Doctor. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your hearing!
One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????
My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria.
I ate all the food and returned her the empty container. ....!!!!!!!
My English Teacher : What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food, you are returning me an empty container.
I replied, "sir, I thought 'H' was silent.
There's a new game called "Silent Tennis."
It's like regular Tennis, but without the racquet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of Native Americans are sitting around a campfire
A young brave asks the others, "When will I be given a name?"
"When you distinguish yourself in the tribe," answers Thundering Buffalo.
"Then the elders will recognize you with a name," says Rides By Moonlight.
"It is the proudest moment of a young brave's life," says Silent Wolf.
"Eh, it's overrated," says s**... In Breechcloth.
The Russian president is on a visit to the USA.
So he is taken on a tour of various tech companies to show him their superiority.
"This," says Bob, "is the smartest computer in the world. Ask it any question, and it will answer you correctly."
The Russian president is intrigued. So he decides to trick the computer and asks: "Who will be the superpower 100 years from today?"
The computer goes silent for a minute, then prints out a paper which the Russian president takes.
"So?" asks Bob. "What does it say?"
"I have no idea," replied the Russian president. "It is written in Chinese"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.
Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've f**... at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the h**... you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
A blind man walks into a bar.
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A man walks into a church confessional
He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."
The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."
"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.
"No" replies the priest, "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."
