silence Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious silence puns

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."



"Yes son?"



"Did you ever get shot in the army?"



He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;



"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn't want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don't worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

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Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

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Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

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Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

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I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.

after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

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Two Police officers.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.

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Pakistan president calls to Obama in the morning

And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"

After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"

A dramatic silence prevails

After a while Obama hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting "shit I forgot about the time difference".

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A boy asks his dad about his past.

"Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

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Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

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I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

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A state trooper just pulled me over...

He walked up to my car and opened his ticket book.

I said, "you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Louisiana State Trooper Ball aren't you?"

He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence.

Then he closed his book, walked back to his car, and drove away.

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Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."

There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"

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Two openings 4 me

I Received a call from a recruitment consultancy.
She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!"

I replied : Yes. I know.

There was a long silence and then she said.....

Asshole!

Then I said, I prefer the other one

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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Can't escape Dad jokes when you're a Dad...

Son (in crowded store): "Hey Dad, do you know where Mom went?"

Me: (knowing Mom can hear around the corner) "Just ask some people where the most beautiful woman in the store is..."

Mom: (snort-laughs from around the corner)

Me: "...and see if she has seen your Mom."

Mom: (silence)

Mom: "Can't lie...that was a good one."

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Police calls man at work

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says,
I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!

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The real reason men enjoy blowjobs?

5 minutes of silence.

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A woman gets pulled over by a state trooper...

As the Officer walks up to her window and flips open his little book the lady says: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper ball, aren't you?" The Officer looks at her with a puzzled look on his face and says: "but ma'am, state troopers don't have balls." There was a silence, the officer tipped his hat, turned around, got back in his car, and drove away.

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Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

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Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

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I called my wife and said that I'll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.

I think she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

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A Man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner..

The man and woman both decide not to tell their children what kind of meat it is, but to let them guess instead.

After a moment of silence, the dad gives them a hint, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl begins screaming to her brother, "DON'T EAT IT, It's an asshole!!!"

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Louisiana State Trooper

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Louisiana state trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Louisiana State Trooper's Ball". He replied, "Louisiana state troopers don't have balls". There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can find a solution in silence.

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I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come..

I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.

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A couple got into an argument...

A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.

As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:

"Relatives of yours?"

The man replied:

"In-laws."

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The leaders of 3 European countries hold a contest to see which one of them has the biggest penis.

The king of Spain lowers his trousers and the audience gasps, then cries "Viva Espana!" The king of France does the same, and his is even bigger. The audience shouts, "Vive La France!" The king of England disrobes, and after a moment of stunned silence, the audience yells, "God save the Queen!"

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100 camels

A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you for your woman."

After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."

The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"

The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get back home.

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A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.

"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.

"What!? You've got to be..."

She pauses for a moment.

"...Kid-in-me."

----

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

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My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,

"Bless you, Comrade!"

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Received a call from a recruiting consultant

She said " Sir, I have two openings for you"
I replied "Yes, I know"

There was a long silence and then she shouted "Asshole!"
I said i prefer the other one.

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A man and a woman walk into an elevator.

After a little while of standing in silence, he turns to her and says "excuse me, can I smell your pussy?"

She flushes crimson red and huffs "YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT!"

"Oh," he says, "must be your feet then."

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I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence...

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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What are the most funny Silence jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Silence? Well, here are the best Silence dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Silence pick up lines to share with friends.

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