Signalled Jokes

A blonde and a brunette were in the car when the brunette asked the blonde to tell her if the turn signal is working. The blonde leans out of the car and replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No..."

A man is taking his son to buy his first car...

The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."

Thank goodness for AT&T

Thanks goodness for AT&T. Apparently the NSA called AT&T officials to request that they, too, provide call records of their customers. But halfway through the conversation, the call dropped. The NSA called back six times, but AT&T officials could never get more than two signal bars and the request was never completed.

A guy walks into a bar on the boardwalk..

and sees a t**... bartender. He tries to get the bartenders attention by signaling for a beer but the bartender won't look his way.
Annoyed, the guy walks in the bartenders line of vision and signals again. Even though he made eye contact the bartender ignores him.
Now, furious, the guy demanded an explanation from the bartender.
The bartender simply points at the sign with his bare feet which reads
"no shirt, no shoes, no service"

A masked dude walks into a building

... and asks the woman at the counter to open a cabin at gunpoint. The lady asks "You do know that this is a _sperm_ bank, right?". He signals to open the cabin with the gun. She obeys. "Drink it", he says. She gives him a puzzled look and drinks from the bottle helplessly. The man unmasks himself and the lady is surprised to see that its her husband. He says "See, its not that hard, is it?"

Three Engineers are Sitting at a Bar...

...and discussing what kind of engineer constructed the human body. The first exclaimed that it must be a Mechanical Engineer because of all the joints and moving parts. The second said it had to have been an Electrical Engineer because of all the nerve endings and electrical signals. The third disagreed with both and declared that it had to have been a Nuclear Engineer, because who else would construct a toxic tube so close to a recreational area?

Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals.

Why are turn signals great workers?

When they get tired and burn out, they work twice as hard.

What's the difference between someone who doesn't use their turn signal and h**...?

You know h**... will turn r**....

The German Coast Guard receives a distress signal from an American ship...

The American captain says "Mayday! Mayday! We're sinking! I repeat, we are sinking!"
The German Coast Guard replies "Oh that's nice, what are you sinking about?"

Imagine if trees gave off Wi-Fi signals, we would be planting so many trees and we'd probably save the planet too.

Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath.

Pavlov was drinking in a bar

and chatting with some fellow scientists. The time flew by, and before he knew it the barman loudly rang the bell signalling last orders.
Pavlov clapped a hand to his forehead, 'Oh c**...!' he cried. 'I forgot to feed the dog!'

What do you call it when a signal processing firm quickly remodels their entryway?

A fast foyer transform!

LPT: If you ever find yourself lost in the wild...

...simply misspell the SOS signal and some a**... will show up within minutes to correct you.

For Sale: 5yr old BMW

Turn signals like new!

A mime is performing an act in Paris

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spanish man, and German man are watching the mime perform. The mime notices that they cannot see him very well. He places a box down and signals to the audience if they can see him.

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Sí"

"Ja"

A conversation with god about Trump

John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."

A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar

He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender
"I'll have a pint please"
The bartender looks him up and down and laughs
"You're way too young!"
"How you know my name!"

If you think that your job is useless and does not make any difference in the world,

consider that there are people out there making turn signals for BMW.

How do the ladies get Batman to come?

Ask Lt. Gordon to turn on the bat-signal.
Get your mind out of the gutter.

If you ever feel useless...

Remember there is a someone in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

The end of the world

John: *writes Revelations* Lord, the End is signaled by trumpets?
God: No, Trump/Pence
John: Right. Trumpets.
God: Fine. They'll know.

Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that never use

Like turn signals with a baseball bat.

I watched a terrible documentary on traffic signals.

Who green-lights these things?

My friend said he recreated the Wow! Signal, but it was fake.

It was a Sham Wow!

What did the male digital signal ask a female digital signal?

Do you do ANALog?

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.

A movie about the maximum function in coding and signal transformation applications in road planning:

"Math.Max Fourier Road"

I'm getting mixed signals from my doctor.

First, he told me that I need to stop drinking so much, but he also told me I should get more shots.

What is the most useless job in the world?

The line workers responsible for making BMW turn signals

Hurricane Irma

Right now Irma is signaling for a left turn.
But it's Florida so, you know, you can't really be sure whats going to happen.

If i use the church's wifi

Am i receiving God's signal?

I have told my blone girlfriend to get outside the car and check if the turn signal works

She: working, not working, working, not working, working...

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless or without purpose, just remember...

That someone out there is installing turn signals on a BMW.

Another blonde joke

Boyfriend is driving down the street with his (blonde) girlfriend in the passenger seat. The boyfriend becomes concerned the turn signals are not working, so he asks his girlfriend to poke her head out the passenger side window to see if the right turn signal is functioning. She replies, "it's working, it's not working, it's working.."

A lawyer was travelling in an almost empty train.

A lady approaches him and says "Put everything you have in this bag or I'll shout that you are molesting me." The lawyer signals that he is deaf and mute and asks her to write what she just said on a paper. She does so. He smiles and keeps the paper in his bag and says "Now do whatever you want!"

Childen are playing on a kindergarten playground with their tablets...

...and the teacher is sleeping on a bench. A lady walks by and wakes the teacher up: "Aren't you afraid that the children will run away and get lost?" asks the lady. "I'm not afraid at all," says the teacher, "the WiFi signal covers the playground only."

Why did the man moonwalk across the street when the signal changed?

He was dyslexic.

If you see me in a restaurant and I am having a salad

I have been kidnapped and I am signaling you.

I always feel 100% confidence in the walk signal at an intersection

Because when the White Guy is on your side, you're gonna be ok

I just failed driving exam

The instructor said I failed at signals. I don't get it. I keep giving middle finger to the drivers honking at me.

A man needs WiFi at the local pub.

A man goes into a local pub and has poor cell signal.
He asks for the WiFi password.
The bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
The man says fine and orders a Coke, which costs him $3. He then asks again, what's the WiFi password?
The bartender answers: You need to buy a drink first, all lowercase no spaces.

Why did h**... fail his drivers ed?

He used his turn signals on the two left turns but failed at the 3rd r**...

Ya know what's rarer than bigfoot?

A BMW driver that uses their turn signal

My driving instructor said that it was important to understand how to use universally understood hand signals.

Funny, his whole tune changed when I started flipping people off.

Why did the German cross the road?

Because the electronic traffic signal indicated that it was the appropriate time to do so.

I saw the rarest beast on the way home from work yesterday.

An audi driver actually used his signal while changing lanes.

What do you call a turn signal in Florida ?

No one knows , they don't exist

If you ever feel like your life is without purpose

Just know there's a guy at the BMW factory who installs turn signals

I met a girl named Clarity

She gave me mixed signals

A golfer tells his buddy, Check out this Impossible-to Lose golf ball I have...

If you hit it in the water it floats and then activates a small propeller that moves it over to the edge so you can retrieve it. If you hit it in high grass it emits a smoke signal. If you hit it into a bush, it chirps. It's literally impossible to lose!
His buddy says Wow! That's awesome. How much does it cost?
The golfer says I don't know. I just found it on the course.

Who's the Best Traffic Signal Superhero?

Green Arrow

What do condoms and turn signals have in common?

If people used them, there would be less accidents

BMW drivers always use their signals

The light they give off just can't be seen by the poor.

What did Batman get for Valentine's day?

Mixed signals.

An American ship is sending out a distress signal, "HELP, we are sinking!"

German ship radios back in "What are you sinking about?"

In Wuhan, a bat signal isn't a request for a superhero to respond,

it simply means dinner is ready.

Audi's are more expensive than they have to be.

The German luxury car maker could sell much cheaper cars if they stopped shipping them with all those extra accessories that the owners never use anyways, like rear view mirrors, turn signals, side-view mirrors...

My girlfriend just called me up and told me that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

John gets bitten by a wasp.

And that too on his pee pee.
He and his wife go to the doctor immediately. Doctor takes one look at it and asks the nurse to give him some medication to help him.
The wife quietly signals the doctor to come outside the room and says - can you please only give something for the pain, and leave the swelling alone?

I saw a video of a man burning a Washington r**... Jersey.

You can tell it was authentic because of the smoke signals.