Sign On Beer Jokes

Following is our collection of signal humor and bartended one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Sign On Beer puns for adults, dirty guiness jokes or clean signs gags for kids.

There is an abundance of drink jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 15 funniest jokes on sign on beer. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any symbols witze you can hear about sign on beer.

The Best jokes about Sign On Beer

Nelson Mandela...

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the man by his shirt and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

I took the family to an amusement park and they all got thirsty at once.

Fortunately we were close to a big soda shop, a circular building with lines of varying lengths standing at most of the windows.

"Excuse me," I asked a park employee, "Which window do we go to?"

"Each window is for a different drink, so just go straight to the one for what you want. If you're in a hurry, though, you might pick something less popular, that no one's waiting for."

Over the crowd I could see the drink signs above each window: Coke, Sprite, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, Hawaiian Punch, Mountain Dew, Guinness... "How long is the Guinness line?" I asked.

He laughed, "That one wraps around the back of the building and trails off into the parking lot outside. I think they're going for a world record or something."

I didn't have time for this guy's jokes, so I asked, "Is there a punch line?"

"Nope."

True Story

The Husband Store:

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Two guys walking their dogs see a bar across the street...

"Man a beer would be delicious right about now" says one. His friend says, "But there's a sign in the window - 'NO DOGS ALLOWED'." First guy says, "No problem - watch this", puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks in to the bar. Second guy watches him go in and be seated by the bartender who brings him a frosty pint. He thinks "good idea!" and does the same - until the bartender sees him and says "HEY! The sign says NO DOGS ALLOWED." Guy says, "But this is my seeing-eye-dog!" Bartender says "Who ever heard of a chihuahua as a seeing-eye-dog?!?" Guy says, "WHOA!! They gave me a Chihuahua??"xs

A Sad Story

So there was this man in one corner of a bar. He was alone. He looked sad, and on his table was littered with glasses, cans of empty beer, and bottles of half dranked wine; tattle-tale signs of a problematic man, drinking heavily to forget his grief. Every now and then he would give out a very heavy sigh.

Seeing as this man needed someone to talk to, I then approached the man. We talked about his work, his kids, and other stuff; you know typical guy to guy chit-chat.

We had more drinks, the guy started to become more drunk.

He started crying and talked about his problems;the dickheads in his work and how everyone hates him in the work place.Turns out he was big time. CEO of a well known oil company.

What I could not forget, was the conversation before he passed out from being too drunk.

"My wife made a millionaire out of me, " he said while sobbing like a baby.

I said, " But dude, isnt that like, a good thing? What were you before?"

"A multi-millionaire," then he passed out.


A guy has 10 bucks in his pocket and walks into a bar.

As soon as he get in, he sees a sign on the wall:

- Beer $5.00

- Handjob $10.00

He calls the hottest waitress in the room and asks: "Who are the one who gives the handjobs?"

The waitress respond: "That would be me."

"Ok... Go wash your hands and bring me two beers."

Signs...

The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

- Your job interferes with your drinking.

- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

- Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!

- You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem.

- You can normally focus better with one eye closed.

- The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar.

- You fall off the floor sometimes.

- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

- Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you.

- At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name.

- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

- The whole bar greets you when you come in.

- You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass.

- That damned pink elephant followed you home again!

A guy walks into a bar.

While walking in, he notices a glass of beer on the roof. Not paying much attention to it, he goes up to the bartender and says:

"So I read on the sign post outside that the first drink is free."

To which the bartender replies: "Yeah, first one's on the house."

So I walked by a restaurant in Maine!

It had a sign up " Happy hour special:
Lobster tail and beer!"

I said to myself. Jesus, my three favorite things!

Some people worry drinking in the shower is a sign of alcoholism

I just worry about keeping the water out of my beer

$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 Handjobs

A man leaves work one Friday and passes a bar with a sign outside that reads "$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 Handjobs

He walks in and sits at the bar. A beautiful woman in her mid 20's comes over and asks what he would like. The man orders a beer. She asks if he'd like anything else. The man replies yes, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?" The woman says "yes" the man says "Then go wash your hands I want a PB&J


A guy walks into a bar on the boardwalk..

and sees a topless bartender. He tries to get the bartenders attention by signaling for a beer but the bartender won't look his way.

Annoyed, the guy walks in the bartenders line of vision and signals again. Even though he made eye contact the bartender ignores him.

Now, furious, the guy demanded an explanation from the bartender.
The bartender simply points at the sign with his bare feet which reads
"no shirt, no shoes, no service"

A man was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a visitor waiting for him outside the bar.
He had just bought another large beer and he didn"t want anyone to drink it.
So, he wrote a little sign on a piece of paper and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer."
When he returned to his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!"

Signs You're No Longer in College...
You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
Your potted plants stay alive.
You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
You attend parties that the police don't raid.
You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
You refer to college students as "those kids."
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
Naps are no longer weekday options.
Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.
You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

Roman guy walks in a bar and makes a peace sign with his fingers

Bartender gives him 5 beers

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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