Sign Jokes

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?

The man replies, No, I haven't.

The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.

The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says No Tres passing

My deaf girlfriend just told me, We need to talk.

That is not a good sign.

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose £200.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.

But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.

And you have the nerve to call me colored!"

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

I saw a sign that said "watch for children".

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

Why did the Mexicans ignore the "No Trespassing" sign?

It was just the two of them.

How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

You take the pizza delivery sign off

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

I saw a sign that said "Falling rocks"

I tried. It doesn't.

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn't remember what that character was called so I sign to her, What's that character's name?

Edward, says her hands.

Old Soviet Joke

Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.

I'll be here all week.

My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically.

He was mauled by a giant crab.

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

Two blondes are going to Disney Land

At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"

They went home crying.

I signed up for binary 101

but it turns out it's a level 5 course

How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.

When it was finished the owner inspected the work.

He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it

If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's?

Historically insignificant.

Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.

An old man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only one guy in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."

Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland

... and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...

But I can only walk so fast.

How can you tell a strip club is not open?

The sign says, "Sorry, we're clothed"

I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."

I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.

She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.

What are the unspoken rules of sign language?

All of them

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage.

The sign said "Bread in captivity".

I tried to sign up to a website yesterday. I put in the password 'beefstew'

But it said the password wasn't stroganoff.

Some blondes are in a car on their way to Disneyland.

When they see a sign at an intersection.

"Disneyland left" ←

so they went back home.

What did one Mexican robber say to the other when they got to the "No Trespassing" sign?

"It's ok because there is only two of us."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.

I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.

A blond is driving to DisneyLand...

She sees a sign saying "DisneyLand left" so she turns around and drives home.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit…

Why are you doing that? asked the keeper.
The sign says it's okay, replied the visitor.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'

I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent...

...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"

Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job.

One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"

What's the difference between a high and drunk driver?

The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.

I got fired form the zoo.

Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.

what's the difference between a subtraction sign and a feminist

a subtraction sign actually makes a difference

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

I dreamt that I had to write my own epitaph...

... That's a grave sign.

(I made up this joke and I nope no-one else has done it before me.)

I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door

It said "Beat it, we're closed."

A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**

A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*

The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.

*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President

Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

Sign language is pretty handy.

There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD"

First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.

A man parks his car. As he is getting out a traffic warden walks up and says, "I'm sorry sir, you can't park your car here." .....

...."Yes I can" says the man. "The sign there says, 'Fine for Parking'!"

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. They agreed, and to their surprise, just days later a passing officer saw a row of cars moving very slowly past the farmer's place. The policeman approached the farm, and saw a new, hand-painted sign stating: "Nudist Colony".

A doctor walks into a bank

A doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit. When he goes to sign the check, he realizes he's scribbling with a thermometer.

"Oh, that's great," he says. "Some asshole's got my pen!"

I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...

.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

A police officer pulls a guy over.....

and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?

Tried to sign up to a website the other day...

I put my password as "beef stew"

It said password not stroganoff.

I came up with this one by myself

Are you the one who signed up for the pee drinking club because if so urine

My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.

She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.