sign Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious sign puns

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

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Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

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Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says No Tres passing

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CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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A guy walks into a pub...

...And sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - Β£10 each, Swallows for Β£30, Β£50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

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I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose Β£200.

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CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help
you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

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Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

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Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

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I saw a sign that said "watch for children".

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

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A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

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Why did the Mexicans ignore the "No Trespassing" sign?

It was just the two of them.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? he asks.
Yes, she purrs. I am.
Well, wash your frickin' hands, says the man. I want a cheese sandwich!

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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

You take the pizza delivery sign off

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I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

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A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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I saw a sign that said "Falling rocks"

I tried. It doesn't.

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What happens when a cyclist meets a stop sign?

Not a fucking thing, usually.

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Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

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What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

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I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

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A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'

'yup'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'

'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'

'yup'

'Wow, can't turn that down.'

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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign... [NSFW]

It reads: Toasted Sandwiches- $2, Handjobs- $5.

He approaches the bar and sees a stunning large breasted, tight waisted blonde goddess serving.

He asks her, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She leans towards him, resting her breasts on the bar and says, "Why, yes I am." With a wink.

To which he replies: "Well go and wash your fucking hands before you make my sandwich!"

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Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

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Old Soviet Joke

Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

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My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay

He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.

I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.

3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Still no sign of getting any pussy though.

Maybe this strategy isn't for me...

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What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.

I'll be here all week.

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My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically.

He was mauled by a giant crab.

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What are the most funny Sign jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Sign? Well, here are the best Sign dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Sign pick up lines to share with friends.

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