Sight Jokes
133 sight jokes and hilarious sight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These days, it seems like it's hard to find a time to laugh. Unwind from the day-to-day with some sight jokes! Learn about interesting word play related to vision, eyesight, and the comic clubhouses where sight gags tend to thrive. Get your daily dose of fun for your eyes and soul!
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Funniest Sight Short Jokes
Short sight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sight humour may include short vision jokes also.
- I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...
- No end in sight... I can't see an end.
I have no control.
I don't think there's any escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.
Time for a new keyboard. - My son told me, Dad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns. I said, That's Heinz sight for you.
- No wonder fortnite is so popular among school children Who doesn't love hopping off the bus and shooting everybody in sight?
- Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her… Dishes not the time to panic.
- What's the difference between a short sighted marksman and a constipated owl? One can shoot but can't hit..
- My grandfather once boasted he could hit a man between the buttocks from 200 yards with iron sights That's quite the crack shot
- Why are your eyes covered in ketchup? I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"
So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20. - What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? There have been sightings of UFOs
- A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first? Her eye sight
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Sight One Liners
Which sight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sight? I can suggest the ones about spectacle and hearing.
- Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight Sigh.....
- I joined a dating sight for arsonist's… They sent me a lot of matches.
- The ketchup shortage this year was so predictable. But I guess Heinz sight is 2020
- What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
- I smeared ketchup all over my eyes once... It was kind of a bad idea in Heinz-sight
- I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20.
- How do you catch up with the past? With Heinz sight
- Why is it easy to tell when you use the wrong sauce? Heinz sight is 20 20
- Why was the herd of well-sighted deer so smart? It was full of good eye deers.
- What do a short sighted Gynaecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose..
- Do you believe in love at first sight or do i pass by you again.
- I won a game of hide and seek at the airport. I was hidden in plane sight.
- What type of sights are used on the guns of the Indian Army? Red Dot
- What do call a drawing of a dad joke? a sight gag
- Have you heard the joke about the man who lost his sight? It's really dark.
Plain Sight Jokes
Here is a list of funny plain sight jokes and even better plain sight puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight The Galaxy Note 7
- I've got a conspiracy joke that no one would believe, even though the punchline is in plain sight.
- I made a startling discovery about one of the greatest Renaissance painters. He was actually a silica-based mechanoid hiding in plain sight.
Sand Robot Ticelli.
Regain Sight Jokes
Here is a list of funny regain sight jokes and even better regain sight puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A blind man regains his sight then immediately after, his wife dies and he says, I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone.
- Did you hear about the blind guy who got in a car accident? He regained his sight in ICU.
- How'd the blind carpenter regain his sight? He just picked up a hammer and saw.
Comical Sight Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about sight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sense jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sight pranks.
One from the 1970's . . .
What's uptight, outta sight and in the groove?
A t**....
Lost in africa
Two friends became lost during a safari in Africa. Whilst discussing how to find their way out, they heard a viscous snarl to their left. Upon looking they saw what appeared to be a very hungry leopard. At that sight, one of them bent down and started tightening his shoe laces.
His friend said ''Hey are you crazy!!!! You can't outrun a leopard.''
His friend replied, '' Mate, i don't have to,I just have to outrun you!!!!''
A man is in urgent need for transplant buttocks after an accident.
Doctors report no end in sight.
A man and his boss are playing golf...
one weekend when a f**... procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."
The Polish eye exam.
A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters
~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
I was watching some construction workers today
outside my office building. They were laying down a bunch of grass.
I saw a forklift come in carrying rolls of grass, when all of a sudden a huge bulldozer came out of nowhere and crashed full speed into the forklift. Both the driver of the forklift and the grass went flying...
It was quite the horrific sight indeed...all I could think was, "Poor sod..."
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her s**... life.
Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.
She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"
He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."
Then she says, "And the s**... life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
Oogaly Boogaly
A white man, Chinese man and a black man were in Africa doing research when they were captured by a tribe. First, they were tied to stakes. The chief then walked up to the white man and asked, death or oogaly boogaly. The white man thought, I don't want to die, I'll take oogaly boogaly. So the chief loosened his ropes, took him to the edge of the forest, within sight of the other two and all of the tribesmen r**... him. The chief then asked the Chinese man, death or oogaly boogaly? the Chinese man thought, remembered the screems of the white man, but didn't want to die. So he said, 'oogaly boogaly'. So the chief loosened his ropes, took him to the edge of the forest and all of the tribesmen r**... him. Then the chief walked up to the black man and asked 'death, or oogaly boogaly?' The black man said, naw man, just give me death.' The chief said 'OK, death, by oogaly boogaly!
Black guy and Jewish Genie
A black man is walking along the beach one day, when he finds a bottle. He picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Jewish Genie.
"I vill grant you 3 vishes"
Without hesitating, the man says "I wanna be White, Tight, and out of sight!"
*p**...*
He turns into a t**... ....
What's the moral of the story?
You never get anything from a Jew, without a string attached.
One dark night, my youngest son was looking at a plane move across a clear sky...
... 'Whew', he said after it had dissapeared from sight. 'I'm never going to be a pilot.'
'Why?', I asked.
'Can you imagine how hard it would be to steer around all those stars?'
the papal visit
the pope visited Glasgow during his visit he went to the Royal infirmary. He went to the ward where seriously ill patients were cared for. The first patient could not walk, the pope blessed him and he got up and walked, the second patient could not see after the blessing his sight was restored, the third patient shrunk back in horror. He shouted get back don't touch me I'm on motability.
Where do you hide an airport?
IN PLANE SIGHT!
A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank...
The brunette is the getaway driver. She told the plan to the blonde, told her to be back in less than 5 minutes, and dropped her off at the front door of the bank.
10 minutes goes by.... No sight of the blonde...
20 minutes goes by... No sight of the blonde...
Finally, after a half hour the blonde comes running out of the bank, dragging the safe by a long rope. As soon as the blonde gets into the car, the brunette sees the guard running as fast as he can towards them, with his pants at his ankles...
After a few moments of silence, the brunette realizes what happened and screamed to the blonde, " You IDIOT! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!!"
A pirate goes to the doctor
A doctor walks into his exam room and is greeted with a strange sight: a pirate captain with a ships steering wheel protruding from his waistline. The doctor says "Well, I'm not sure what you came in here for, but I think we should start by addressing the steering wheel down your pants."
The pirate nods fervently, and says "Yarr, it's been drivin' me nuts!"
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf
There is an old joke about an engineer, a priest, and a doctor enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.
The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.
And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?"
Three blondes are in an elevator
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."
When you really have to pee and there's no bathroom in sight...
u**... trouble.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".
Two men are fishing from a bridge...
When one man notices a f**... procession. He quietly sets down his fishing rod, takes of his hat and bows his head. When the procession is out of sight he picks up his pole and continues fishing. The other man turns to him and says, "wow. I never knew you had a feely side in you" to which the first man replies, "it's the least I could've done, afterall, we have been married for forty years."
I went to a w**... emporium today...
I never sausage a sight!
I'm Starting a Fundraiser to Help Restore Sight to Seniors with Degenerative Eye Problems.
Please Upvote for visibility.
Batman walks into a bar with a pig...
It was a hot summers day and the barman thinks it's a strange sight, not to just see Batman, but to see him with a pig that has jet black hair, black eye shadow and studded bracelets.
The barman says "Is there anything I can get you Batman?"
He replies "Just-ice for goth-ham"
The five senses are touch, smell, sight, hearing, and.....
It's on the tip of my tongue...
Why do so many guys spit in urinals?
Just seems weird that there are that many dudes who salivate at the sight of a wiener.
What do you call a r**... v**......
A 7 year old that can run faster than her brothers.
-Edit
Sorry I can't link to the sight I found this on like 7 months ago I don't remember which one it was and can't find it.
A man and his son were at the grocery store today...
They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!
A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters:
G U O Y L V B J I T D A Z C K
Doctor: Can you read the letters?
Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!
A blind man walks into a bar with his sight dog..
He then takes the dog and starts spinning it around by the tail. The bartender asks "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" The blind man replies "Just looking around."
Why Did The Blind Student Get an F On His Paper?
He didn't sight sources.
A man is charged with first-degree m**... and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.
Did you commit the crime?
No sir, I did not.
I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?
Yes sir, and it's a darn sight less than the penalty for m**....
One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, n**..., watering the garden.
When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife n**....
Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing o**... s**....
The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing o**... s**... on you last night."
"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"
My wife told me she can only have s**... with me in the dark because she can't stand the sight of me.
Since then I haven't been paying our electric bill.
Army Post
A friend of mine recently back from his time in the army told me about one night, at his military base when he woke up about 2am, went outside - and he saw doughnuts, eclairs, cakes of all sizes scattered over the yard - but not another person in sight. Then he realised...
They had desserted their post.
Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit, talking, when they realize they are flying over a huge crater.
"Wow, what a beautiful sight," says the first pilot.
"It is, isn't it?" the other pilot replies.
Then a flight attended joins them.
"Sir, what are we flying over?" she asks the first pilot.
"It's a crater. A meteor crashed into the earth and left that giant hole."
"Wow," replies the flight attendant. "And what's that building right next to it?"
"That's the visitors center," the second pilot says.
"Phew," she says. "They really got lucky, didn't they?"
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn tried to swim from Norway to America on a dare. Ten miles from the Norwegian coast, the Swede gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. Fifty miles from the Norwegian coast, the Norwegian gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. The Finn had just caught sight of the American coast, when he sighed "I can't make it either..." and promptly swam back to Norway.
A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"
He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A blonde stands on the bank of a river
There is no bridge in sight. She sees another blonde across the river and shouts:
How do I get to the other side of the river?!
The other blonde shouts back:
Why? You already are on the other side!
A man's wife is looking at herself in the mirror
She says to her husband "I'm old, fat and ugly. Can't you give me a compliment?"
To this the husband replies "well, at least your sight is working"
Six months ago, my wife asked me to get in shape.
Since then, I have been eating everything in sight. Today I am proud to say that I am a circle!
To celebrate New Year's, my brother and I went to the Canary Islands. Beautiful part of the world, but strangely enough there wasn't a single canary in sight!
...so next year we're going to the v**... Islands
Two friends were climbing a mountain
When suddenly one of them took a false step and fell from the top, disappearing from the other's sight.
As they were equipped with radio equipment, the other tried to contact him immediately with his, "Well, well, are you okay?"
"I'm fine!"
The friend sighed in relief, and kept asking, "Do you have a fracture?"
"No, none!"
"Then go back up and I'll wait for you here."
"Sure, as soon as I get to the bottooooooom!"
My friend Ray just passed away :(
He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back.
Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision
My dad lost his right eye
Its been hard on the old man
He was already losing his sight to begin with
Now he says he's going to cherish whats left
An English man, German, french and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
A question of chromosomes, don't ask him Y
A prince out for a ride in his carriage caught sight of a man who looked very much like him. He called the man over and asked him curiously,
Tell me, was your mother ever in the service at the palace?
Holding himself very straight, the commoner replied,
No, your majesty. But my father was.
A Hippie was walking along the beach line when he kicked a bottle.
A Hippie was walking along the beach line when he kicked a bottle. Suddenly a genie burst forth and yelled,
"YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY 1000 YEAR PRISON, WHAT DO YOU DESIRE? I WILL GIVE YOU THREE WISHES!"
The Hippie looks at the genie and says, "Cool man. I want too be Uptight, Out of sight, and in the groove."
So the genie turns him into a t**....
An uncircumcised friend of mine had to have plastic surgery on his eyelids after a severe burn to his face and the doctor used his f**... for the graft...
The doctor was able to save his sight but now he is a little cockeyed.
My mate and I went to stonehenge.
"Of all the places we've been, this is my favourite to date," he said.
I said, "But there isn't a woman in sight."
You know you're getting old when...
You don't panic at the sight of a cop car behind you in traffic.
A boxer loses his sight in a freak accident.
Not being able to compete again, all he can do now is training with his loyal training partner and hitting the bag. Since he can't see, he is required to remember and move only a certain amount of steps (both forward and backwards) to keep the distance. Suddenly his partner stops the session and the boxer asks why they stopped. His partner says: we stopped because you messed up the punch line.
my sight was getting bad so I went to get glasses ...
I could not afford a pair so I bought a monocle instead -
at least now I have 1920 vision.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight.
Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
Did you hear about the house the l**... built?
It was all tongue and groove, and not a stud in sight.
The clairvoyant and her boyfriend got engaged after only two dates.
It was love at second sight, they said.
So I live next to a prison...
One morning I awoke to the sight of a little person breaking out of said prison, hastily climbing down the fence to freedom.
Sipping my coffee I thought to myself "*Well that's a little condescending".*
The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.
A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."
A wife decides to surprise her husband at work.
She walks into his office to find him sitting at his desk, on the phone, with his extremely attractive secretary perched on his lap.
Upon catching sight of his wife the husband says into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with only one chair."
I used to can beans for a living,
In Heinz sight it wasn't a bad job.
A hippy finds a magic lamp.
He rubs it and a genie comes out and asks "What is your wish?" The hippy says "Man, I just want to be up tight, out of sight, and in the groove." So the genie turns him into a t**....
Why does Batman's mask hide only half his face?
So that the cops can see he's white and not shoot him on sight.
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight
404 vision not found.
Why couldn't the people with great eye sight warn us about this year
They are the ones with 2020 vision after all
I used to think that putting ketchup on my glasses was a great way to clean them.
But in Heinz sight, I don't think that was such a good idea.
A pervert in a trenchcoat flashes three little old ladies sitting on a park bench.
Upon the sight, two of them had a s**....
The other one couldn't reach it.
I used to rub ketchup in my eye
Now i've got Heinz sight
Been having trouble with my eyes recently, so I went to the doctors yesterday. Unfortunately, he told me I lost 20% of my sight...
Sigh...
In a supermarket lvan lost sight of his wife.
In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"
"Why should I?"
"It's always the same -- as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere.
According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat
So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.
Mount Rushmore was quite a sight before it was carved.
It is said that it was unpresidented.
Man blind from birth hears about a new surgery to restore his sight
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an e**...."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
