Sighs Jokes
144 sighs jokes and hilarious sighs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sighs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Sighs Short Jokes
Short sighs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sighs humour may include short sighed jokes also.
- I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...
- "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you" - What do you call a wolf that is woke? Awarewolf
(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma) - I asked my wife, Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Without hesitation, she sighed and said, The rooster did. The rooster always comes first.
- 99 little bugs in the code... 99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.
- After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black... ...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief
- 2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches. The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"
The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches. - A son tells his father: I have an imaginary girlfriend. The father sighs and says: You know, you could do better.
Son: Thanks Dad!
Father: I was talking to your girlfriend. - I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, You don't have much experience removing bras, do you? Me: What gave me away?
Her: The scissors, mostly. - A man takes his shoe off in church... Man 1: *takes off shoe and starts peering inside of it*
Man 2: "What the problem?"
Man 1: *Sighs* " I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole "
Share These Sighs Jokes With Friends
Sighs One Liners
Which sighs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sighs? I can suggest the ones about gasps and screams.
- Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight Sigh.....
- What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
- Bono and The Edge walk into a bar The bartender sighs ugh, not you two again…
- What do you call a melancholy Android? A sigh borg.
- What did tornado say to it's annoying twin? Sigh, clone.
- Sigh, nobody will upvote a cake joke on my birthday I feel so desserted.
- Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan? *sigh* I used to love tractors
- What do you call a depressed robot? A sigh borg.
- What do you call a disappointed cat? *sigh*amise
- What happens when an entire Borg cube is exasperated? They let out a collective sigh.
- Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road? To get to the other sigh.
- Man, it's gonna take FOREVER to decompress this file Sigh. *unzips*
- What kind of nuts go on your feet? *Sigh*...
Cashews. - What do you call an exasperated Rastafarian? Sigh-mon
- Sadly my wife has lost 20% of her sight... Sigh...
Howlingly Hilarious Sighs Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about sighs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shrugs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sighs pranks.
Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...
Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"
An atom walks into a bar...
and orders a drink. The barman makes the drink and hands it over. The atom just sits there and sighs. "Why so down?" the barman asks. "Iv'e lost an electron." the atom answers. "Are you sure?" the barman asks. "I'm positive."
Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
A man gets a call from his doctor.
The doctor tells him that his test results are in and he needs to see him right away.
The next day, the man shows up. He walks into the doctor's office. "Hey. What's the news?"
The doctor sighs and stands up. "Well...the test results are in. I'm afraid you have cancer and onomatopoeia."
The man frowns. "What's onomatopoeia?"
"Exactly what it sounds like."
A blonde is walking
She notices a banana peel a few steps away.
She sighs "oh no, I'm gonna fall again!".
3 idiot brothers are trying out for a job as a police detective...
so the officer gives them a test. They are given a side profile head shot of a robber and they are asked how they will recognize him outside.
The first brother says, 'This guy has only one eye', the officer sighs and says that it only looks that way since its a shot of his profile and fires him on the spot.
The second brother says, 'This guy only has one ear', the officer sighs again and says it only looks that way since its a shot of his profile and fires him on the spot too.
The third brother thinks for a long while, and says 'He is wearing contacts'.
The officer is stunned by this sudden sign of clarity and checks his dossier. True enough, the robber does wear contacts. Impressed, he hires the third brother on the spot.
Curious to know how he figured out the robber wears contacts, the officer asks the third brother. The third brother flush with victory, responds haughtily, 'Why its simple really, if the man only has one ear and one eye, how can he wear glasses?'
Why bachelors are skinner than married men
A bachelor goes into the kitchen, opens the fridge, sighs, goes to bed.
A married man goes into the bedroom, lifts the blanket, sighs, goes to the fridge.
Three old-timers sitting on a bench...
The first sighs heavily, and says, "Looks like rain."
After an hour, the second says, "Hmmm, not sure."
After another hour the third gets up painfully and says, "If you two are going to argue, then I'm off."
An altar boy enters the box to confess...
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's holiday and five excellent Leads.'
Talk like a pirate joke
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel attached to him by the front of his pants. He sits down, and the bartender, curious, asks him 'Why do you have a steering wheel attached to you? Isn't it uncomfortable?' The pirate sighs, troubled, and answers 'Yaaarrr, it's drivin' me nuts!'
A doctor walks into the patient's room after surgery and says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news."
"Okay," sighs the patient, "...better give me the bad news first."
The doc replies, "The bad news is I had to amputate both of your legs."
"My God!" replies the patient, "What's the good news?!!"
"The guy across the hall wants to buy your shoes."
A musician dies and goes to heaven
there he sees an old guy with long white hair and a beard swinging his arms and gesticulating like crazy.
"Who's that?" he asks.
"Oh, him" Saint Peter sighs "That's God. He's turned crazy. Megalomanical! He thinks he's Herbert von Karajan!"
WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID s**...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
So a man is at an airport.
He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."
What's the difference between...
Requires the receivers input so I will just tell the full joke. It's given me quite a bit of laughs and sighs so I thought I would share it!
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a bathtub full of glue?
"I dont know!"
Well you can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna!
"What about the bathtub of glue?"
I thought you might get stuck on that one!
A police officer knocks on a man's door.
The officer asks, "Is this the Sorkin residence?" The man nods.
"May I see a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf.
The officer sighs, "It looks like she was hit by a train."
" I know, but she's such a nice lady and an excellent cook!"
An auto mechanic is playing poker and gets dealt a bad hand. He sighs and says
manifold :(
Here's one my grampa told me when I was a small boy.
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A man walks into a bar...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made of plastic cling wrap..
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made of plastic cling wrap. The man says to the shrink, "Sir, I need you to evaluate me." The psychiatrist looks up from his clipboard, sighs, and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Leo's First Oscar
Leonardo DiCaprio in the delivery room.
Leo: "What is it doc?!"
Doctor: "It's a bo-"
Leo: "NO! NO! LIKE WE REHEARSED!"
*Doctor sighs, handing the baby boy to Leo*
Doctor: "And the "Oscar" goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of Father in Conception.
Two muffins are sitting in a hot oven.
Two muffins are sitting in a hot over. The first muffin sighs and says, "gosh, it's so hot in here."
"The second muffin exclaims, "Ahh, a talking muffin!"
The Priest and the Altar Boy
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
A man is at the doctor for a routine checkup
After examining the man for a few minutes the doctor sighs and says
"Look, there's no easy way to say this but you need to stop m**...."
"What? Why, doc?"
"Because I'm trying to do an examination on you for gods sake"
One fine day, down at the local diner.
A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:
**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**
His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He wants bacon and eggs."
An old man goes back to bed ...
And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"
Walking Down The Street
One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog l**... its own t**.... One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?
A cannibal comes home from work...
after a long day and his wife asks him how his day was.
The cannibal sighs and replies "I'm just fed up with people!"
A DJ releases a genie from a bottle...
and then he starts to leave.
"Wait, what about the three wishes?" asks the genie.
The DJ sighs and asks:
"Alright, what songs do you want me to play?"
A centurion and his cohort walk into a bar...
The bartender sighs and says, "Lemme guess. You either want one martinus or you'll hold up two fingers in a V and ask for five."
The centurion stabbed him because the bartender was a Gaul.
p**... and m**... see a sign
Walking down the road in Ireland, p**... and m**... see a sign see a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted".
p**... sighs and says, "It's a shame Ryan wasn't with us, we could have gone for that job!".
A 65 year old man driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the senior. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A blonde and her husband
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor's dog starts barking and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!'
She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?'
The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor's dog barking all night.'
"Dad, I'm a lesbian"
"That's okay", says her dad "We still have your sister."
"Sorry dad", says his second daughter "I'm lesbian, too"
Their father sighs: "So nobody here digs men?"
"I still do!" calls his son.
Husband takes his wife to a disco.
Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"
An optimist and a pessimist are discussing life
The optimist says, "this is the best of all possible worlds!"
The pessimist sighs and responds, "you're right."
I got a letter in the mail today
*sighs*
Now to wait for the rest of the word...
A man walks into a bar after the summer solstice and orders a quadruple v**...
The bartender asks, "Is everything alright?"
The man sighs and says, "It's been a long day."
A large car with chauffeur
A boyfriend is watching TV when his girlfriend walks into the room
Gf: "I want to go to the mall to go shopping, wanna bring me?"
Boyfriend sighs
Bf: "How would you like it if you went in a large car with a chauffeur?"
Gf: "That sounds great!"
Bf: "Well, the bus leaves in 5 minutes."
Polish joke
A nurse is checking up on the patients in a mental asylum. She asks the first patient, "What is 2+2?"
"3,942,304" He answers, disappointing the nurse.
"What is 2+2?" She asks the next patient.
"Thursday." He answers confidently
She sighs and moves on to the next person.
"What is 2+2?"
"4"
"Wow!" she exclaims. "How'd you find that out?"
"I divided 3,942,304 by Thursday."
A man and his son were at a bar. The man is standing near the dartboard.
When one dart almost hits him, the man says, "look son I'm Dart Evader!"
The son sighs, "stop it dad."
The man says, "look, I'm not your dad. *I am your father.*"
A lemming enters a bar...
The bartender looks at him, sighs, gets out all of his glasses, and starts pouring.
The chicken and the egg
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together after having s**.... The chicken lays back on a pillow and sighs, saying, "well I guess that answers that age old question."
A man runs over to his neighbor's house early one morning...
He bangs on the door and soon his neighbor answers. The man looks slightly embarrased and starts explaining quickly.
"Hey, last night, I brought a h**... home, but I just realized that I don't have enough cash to pay her. Can you help me out?"
The neighbor lifts his eyebrow and the sighs in irritation.
"Fine," he says. "This one time...you can borrow my shovel."
Icarus arrives at the airport.
Ahead of him, a husband and wife shepherd their two children, a boy and girl, toward their gate.
"Dad, can I have a taco before the flight?" The boy asks.
The father sighs, relenting. "All right."
Three hours later, Icarus lands. His father waits outside, ready to greet him.
"Good to see you!" He exclaims, then pauses, looking at Icarus's suit. "Geez, you got v**... all over you. What happened?"
Icarus shrugs. "I flew too close to the son."
One Sunday, with one hand motion, God caused the Earth to begin to revolve around the Sun. "What should we call it when it goes all the way around?" asks Adam.
"A year," God replied.
Now, he made another hand motion, and the Earth began to rotate on a tilted axis.
"What should we call it when it rotates all the way around?" Adam asks.
God sighs and takes a seat on the grass below. "Let's call it a day."
An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.
The optimist declares, This is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist sighs and says, You're right.
A father finds a magic lamp...
and when he rubs it, a genie pops out and offers to grant him anything he wants.
The man asks for a unicorn for his daughter.
The genie says unicorns aren't even real, try to be more realistic.
So the man decides to ask the genie to let the Browns win a single game.
The genie sighs and asks the man what color unicorn his daughter would prefer.
A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle.....
...so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together. After a while she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend. He asks her what is wrong and she tells him about the trouble she is having with the puzzle. He tells her to look at the picture on the front and tell him what it looks like. The blonde says, Okay, well, the background is blue and there is a tiger on it.
After a long pause her boyfriend sighs and says, Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box.
A man walks into a bar. "Quick, bartender, give me a shot of whiskey before it starts."
The bartender pours a shot of whiskey and gives it to the man. The man swallows it in a single gulp, and says "quick, give me another before it starts". The bartender pours another shot, quite perplexed. After the man finished the second drink, he again asked for another. The bartender looks at him and says "when will you be paying for these?"
The man sighs and says "it started"
A2, Brute?
(At the Roman Theatre)
Brutus: Wait, which one's my seat again?
Julius (sighs) : A2, Brute.
Wait, which one's my seat again?
(At the Roman Theatre)
Brutus: Wait, which one's my seat again?
Julius (sighs) : A2, Brute.
\#IdesOfMarch
2 Math books are on a shelf
2 math books are on a shelf.
The first book sighs and says to the other book; "I really don't like my life"
"What do you mean?" says the other book,
"I have so many problems", it replies.
A very plane joke
Pilot: We are going to die.
Passengers: *starts freaking out*
Pilot: haha don't worry we will all die one day.
Passengers: *sighs in relief*
Pilot: But we'll all probably die when we hit that mountain.
A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.
She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."
The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"
A 12 year old boy comes home from school
He enters the home and his parents are sitting on the sofa together clutching hands.
Sit down son we have something to say says the dad
The boy sits down.
You're adopted the mother says.
The boy sighs and tears up and asks why didn't you say so before? I've always wondered
Good claps the father standing up swiftly. Get your bags packed, your new Parents will be here to pick you up in about an hour.
Two amish women are in a field harvesting potatoes.
One amish woman holds up two potatoes and sighs.
The other amish woman says "What's the matter?"
"These potatoes remind me of my husband's t**...." replied the first woman.
"Oh, that big?" said the second woman.
"No, that dirty."
A student receives a bad grade on his exam
And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.
He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"
The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".
The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'
A man goes to the doctor for an annual checkup
When the doctor walks in he looks at the man's chart and says although it is awkward, I believe you are the right age for a prostate exam.
The man sighs, bends over the table and drops his drawers.
Now just to let you know this may cause an e**..., warns the doctor.
I think I'll be fine, the man replied
I wasn't talking about you.
After twenty years of marriage, a woman looks in the bathroom mirror and sighs.
God, I look old, fat and ugly. She implores her husband; Pay me a compliment, dear.
Her husband replies, Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.
A man runs into a bank...
He runs up to the teller and says "quick! I need you to do a magic trick!"
The teller says "but sir this is a bank."
The man sighs and says, "oh your no fun. Where's Pen?"
A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.
He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"
Well that was quick
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds! Good, replied his wife. Now you know how I always feel.
A priest is conducting an exorcism, yelling, "The power of Christ compels you!"
The d**... sighs and says to him, "Sorry, I'm Jewish."
An old guy walks into a biker bar...
... And sits down next to the leader of the gang.
"Your mom is pretty hot, you know?".
The biker chief sips his beer, sighs...
"Just go home, dad.".
Why did WinRAR go to jail?
Childpants.rar
WinRAR: *sighs*, unzips.
A guy asks a woman, would you sleep with me for $100?
Of course not! replies the lady.
Pity, sighs the guy, I could really use the money.
A jew walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The jew sighs and says, "the neo n**... killed my family and genetically grafted a horse to my face."
Sean Connery is sat in his office reading. Suddenly, loads of books fall on his head. He sighs and says...
I can only blame my shelf.
An apple walks into a bar...
The bartender gives the apple a look of disgust. "We don't serve apples at dis here bar."
The Apple sighs. "Well," it says. "Expect a lot of doctors."
Three guys enter a bar and kill 4 people
Shortly after o**... goes on his phone, the other goes to the bathroom, the third guy sighs and says to himself: I guess they went afk
Whenever I have s**... with my girlfriend, I let out this e**... loud, deep breaths.
But it's ok. She told me sighs don't matter.
A doctor, priest, policeman, dog, Christian, comedian, blind man, Rabbi, firefighter, and Amy Schumer walk into a bar.
The bartender sighs and says, "My life is a joke."
A man asks his professor a question...
A student goes to his English I professor and says Professor, when do we read the Odyssey
The professor sighs and look at the student saying you would know if you checked the Scyllabus
Tarzan comes home after a hard day and asks Jane to mix him a martini
He's hardly sat down before he's finished it and he asks Jane to mix him another, and being a caring, nurturing mate she does so. Again Tarzan makes it disappear and asks (nicely enough, to be fair) for still another one.
At this, Jane arches a delicate eyebrow and says "Three martinis? Before dinner?"
"Jane, you don't understand," sighs Tarzan. "It's a jungle out there!"
A blonde goes to a doctor
She says Doctor, my body hurts wherever I touch it! The Doctor says show me . The blonde proceeds to tap her face, elbow, thigh and knee, wincing in pain after each one. See, it's true! She says. The doctor pauses for a second, sighs and says
You have a broken finger
Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.
One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."
Half of a man hops into a bar.
The bartender asks, "How are you today?"
The half-man replies, "I'm all right, thank you."
"What happened to your other half, may I ask?" ventures the bartender.
The half-man sighs. "Left."
