Sighs Jokes
144 sighs jokes and hilarious sighs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sighs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Sighs Short Jokes
Short sighs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sighs humour may include short gasps jokes also.
- I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...
- "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you" - I asked my wife, Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Without hesitation, she sighed and said, The rooster did. The rooster always comes first.
- After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black... ...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief
- I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, You don't have much experience removing bras, do you? Me: What gave me away?
Her: The scissors, mostly. - A man takes his shoe off in church... Man 1: *takes off shoe and starts peering inside of it*
Man 2: "What the problem?"
Man 1: *Sighs* " I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole " - With only one finger Guy: i can make girls screaming with only one finger
Girl: (sigh) yea yea sure
Guy: (put his finger in the eye of the girl)
Girl: AAAAARGN! - An Alabaman is finding his ancestry on a website, but can't get to their site... Getting frustrated, he calls his wife over.
Sighing, she says, "It starts with an A, not an I, bro." - Back to the Drawing Board (after the Apocalypse)
God: *sigh* "Ok. This time I'm going to make them all the same color. - A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend, "Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"
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Sighs One Liners
Which sighs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sighs? I can suggest the ones about shrugs and smirks.
- What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
- Bono and The Edge walk into a bar The bartender sighs ugh, not you two again…
- What do you call a melancholy Android? A sigh borg.
- What did tornado say to it's annoying twin? Sigh, clone.
- Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan? *sigh* I used to love tractors
- What do you call a disappointed cat? *sigh*amise
- What happens when an entire Borg cube is exasperated? They let out a collective sigh.
- Man, it's gonna take FOREVER to decompress this file Sigh. *unzips*
- What kind of nuts go on your feet? *Sigh*...
Cashews. - What do you call an exasperated Rastafarian? Sigh-mon
- How Do You Sound Tired In French Le Sigh
Ok guys I'm sorry. Hahahahha - Linguistics Student: "What's a glottal fricative?" "*Heavy sigh*"
- How do you sigh in Spanish? Jjjjjjjjjjj
- Why did Eeyore cross the road? To get to the other... *sigh*
- What do you call a sad Toyota? A Sigh-on.
Howlingly Hilarious Sighs Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about sighs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean growls jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sighs pranks.
"Daddy! How was I born?" Junior asks his dad,
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!
Snowboarders will Understand
Four snowboarders - a German, a Swiss, an Australian, and a Canadian - are taking a chairlift up a mountain. The German boarder pulls out a bottle of beer from his jacket, drinks it, and tosses the empty over the side.
"Ah," he sighs. "We have so much beer in Germany!"
Next the Swiss boarder pulls out a bar of chocolate from his jacket, eats it, and drops the wrapper over the side. "Mmm," he sighs, "we have so much chocolate in Switzerland!"
So the Australian boarder pulls out a jar of Vegemite from his jacket and starts chowing down with a spoon. The others are revolted, and before he finishes the Canadian boarder grabs him by his belt and tosses him over the side.
"Much better," he sighs, "we have so many of these in Canada!"
An Irishman visits his doctor after a long illness.
An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I'm afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
The guy is shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He walks back into the waiting room where his son is waiting for him and says, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let go to the pub and have a few pints."
After four or five pints, they are feeling a little less somber. There are some laughs and more beers.
Eventually the two are approached by some of the guy's old friends who ask them what they are celebrating. So the guy tells his friends, "I've got only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
His friends give are quite shocked about this and so they stay to have a couple of beers with him and his son.
After his friends leave, the guys' son leans over to his dad and whispers in confusion „Dad, I though you said that you had cancer? Why you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Well , the guy says, "I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Blonde Breakfast Dilemma
A man watches as his blonde girlfriend comes downstairs to make breakfast.
At first she attempts to lift the stove, struggles, and sighs.
Next she tries lifting the microwave, again to no avail. Finally she lifts the toaster and smiles, makes toast and eats her breakfast.
This goes on for a couple of days before her boyfriend finally asks what in the world is going on.
The blonde replies, "My new medication doesn't allow me to operate heavy machinery and the toaster is the only thing I can lift."
An atom walks into a bar...
and orders a drink. The barman makes the drink and hands it over. The atom just sits there and sighs. "Why so down?" the barman asks. "Iv'e lost an electron." the atom answers. "Are you sure?" the barman asks. "I'm positive."
Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
A man gets a call from his doctor.
The doctor tells him that his test results are in and he needs to see him right away.
The next day, the man shows up. He walks into the doctor's office. "Hey. What's the news?"
The doctor sighs and stands up. "Well...the test results are in. I'm afraid you have cancer and onomatopoeia."
The man frowns. "What's onomatopoeia?"
"Exactly what it sounds like."
A man is driving late at night...
...and in front of him he sees another man waving batons in his hands and yelling. Confused, the man gets out of his car and walks over to the baton-waver. He asks, "Is there any construction going on?" The baton-waver replies, "I'm afraid you can't have your car here!" The man, confused yet again, looks behind him and sees a clear path behind his car. "But there's nothing there," he yells, "why can't I drive here?"
The baton-waver sighs and tells him: "Would you rather have the plane land on the street?"
Why bachelors are skinner than married men
A bachelor goes into the kitchen, opens the fridge, sighs, goes to bed.
A married man goes into the bedroom, lifts the blanket, sighs, goes to the fridge.
Three old-timers sitting on a bench...
The first sighs heavily, and says, "Looks like rain."
After an hour, the second says, "Hmmm, not sure."
After another hour the third gets up painfully and says, "If you two are going to argue, then I'm off."
A couple has a baby...
After the delivery, the doctor takes the baby away to check on its health. Shortly thereafter, the doctor comes back in the room and informs the couple that he has some good news, and some bad news, and ask which they would like to hear first.
The couple talks it over for a second tells the doctor they want the bad news first, to get it out of the way.
The doctor looks down at his shoes, sighs and says, "Well, I don't really know how to say this. But you baby, its a ginger."
The couple, obviously relieve, reply "That isn't bad at all! Whats the good news?"
"Its dead"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God comes and talks to Noah while he is building the Ark...
He says :"Noah, Hear my will. I have decided what I wish to fill the first storey of the ark with"
"Of course my lord, what is it you wish?"
"I wish for you to fill it with carp!"
Noah is confused, he says "But my lord, carp can swi-
"**DON'T QUESTION MY WILL NOAH**"
"Well okay, what do you wish for the second storey?"
"I have given this some thought...and I wish it to be filled with carp!"
"But my lord..the first sto-"
"**DON'T QUESTION MY WILL NOAH!**"
Noah sighs "I know this is probably pointless asking, but what do you wish for the third storey?"
"Well Noah, that shall also be filled with carp"
Noah begins to get frustrated, he says "I do not mean to question you lord, but we could do so much with this space!. I have to ask, why are you filling it all with carp?!"
God Looks to him and says "Well Noah, I've always wanted to be the owner of a three storey Carpark"
An Italian Boy's Confession:
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
An altar boy enters the box to confess...
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's holiday and five excellent Leads.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Mothers Are Sitting Together At An Outdoor Café In Baghdad...
**Mother 1**: [*pulls out picture from purse*] "This is my son Abdullah. He would have been 25 now, but, alas... he became a martyr."
**Mother 2**: "Ah, yes I remember when he lost his first tooth..."
[*sighs*]
**Mother 1**: [*pulls out another picture*] "This is my son Hussein. He would have been 22 now, but, alas... he became a martyr."
**Mother 2**: "Ah, yes. I remember when he took his first steps..."
[*deep sigh*]
**Mother 1**: [*pulls out yet another picture*] "This is my son Muhammed. He would have been 18 now, but, alas... he became a martyr."
**Mother 2**: "Ah, yes. I remember when he was born..."
[*deepest sigh*]
"You know, they blow up so fast!"
A musician dies and goes to heaven
there he sees an old guy with long white hair and a beard swinging his arms and gesticulating like crazy.
"Who's that?" he asks.
"Oh, him" Saint Peter sighs "That's God. He's turned crazy. Megalomanical! He thinks he's Herbert von Karajan!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID s**...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
So a man is at an airport.
He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."
The beard (no, not that, an actual beard)
A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would hate me."
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again.
"Oh really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
What's the difference between...
Requires the receivers input so I will just tell the full joke. It's given me quite a bit of laughs and sighs so I thought I would share it!
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a bathtub full of glue?
"I dont know!"
Well you can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna!
"What about the bathtub of glue?"
I thought you might get stuck on that one!
Stop sign
A guy is driving, comes up to a four way stop. He slows down, looks down each street quickly and goes through the sign. A few moments later a police officer pulls him over.
The officer approaches the driver, asks "do you know why I pulled you over?".
The driver sighs, "yes, it's because I slowed down instead of stopping at the stop sign... But what's the difference ?".
The officer asks him to step out of the car, the man complies. The officer then takes out his night stick and starts rapidly beating the man over the head!
After a few hits the officer says "Do you want me to stop, or slow down?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Timmy walks up to his dad and asks,
"Dad, whats the difference between Theory and Reality?", The father replies "Well, go ask your mom if she would screw tom cruise for a million dollars". Timmy runs off, finds mother and gets the answer and comes back. "Yup she would". The Father sighs and says "Alright, go ask your older sister if she would bang Justin Beiber for a million dollars". Timmy runs off, finds his sister and gets the answer and returns "Yup she would"
The father sighs and looks at little timmy. "Well, in theory we are millionaires but in reality we live with a bunch of w**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy and his father are walking through a pharmacy when they pass by the c**... aisle.
Seeing the different packages and count, the boy curiously points them out and asks his father what they're for.
"Well son, the three pack is for the highschool couples so they can safely have s**..., once every other day."
He looks to the eight pack. "Those are for the college couples, twice a week."
Finally he looks at the twelve pack. "And those," he sighs, "are for the married couples. Once in January, once in February, once in March..."
A drunk gets his car stolen...
A police officer is walking his beat as a drunk stumbles towards him and engages:
Drunk: "Excuse me officer, somebody stole some my car."
Cop: "Well where was it?"
D (holding up his car key): "It was at the end of this key"
C: "Ah I see, well you should go downtown to the precinct and report it there. They can help you with the proper forms."
The drunk goes to leave as they Cop stops him and says, "Before you go, you should zip up your fly."
The drunk looks down and sighs, "oh no, they got my girl too."
A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...
...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.
Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."
She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been unfaithful."
There's an awkward pause, then with tears in her eyes she asks, "What does that have to do with the eggs?" "Well," he explains "whenever I was unfaithful, I put an egg in the drawer."
"Well three times isn't that bad in 30 years, but what about the money?"
"Oh." the husband says, "Whenever I had a dozen eggs, I sold them."
A Blonde is in a Bar...
...and she's wearing a set of headphones. The bartender walks up to her and says, "Sorry, but we don't allow headphones in this bar." The blonde looks up and tells him, "You don't understand. I really, really need these headphones. The bartender once again tells her, "No, you really need to take them off." The blonde sighs and removes the headphones. Several minutes later the bartender returns only to find the blonde dead. Puzzled by the blonde's death, he puts on the headphones and hears "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pastor uses the church's restroom before morning service begins.
As he's finishing up in the stall, he hears fast breathing and grunting in the stall next to him, and realizes that whoever's in there is m**.... He exits his stall and washes his hands, then he hears the toilet flush and the culprit steps out of his stall. It's Jim, an 11 year old boy.
The pastor sighs and pulls Jim aside after he's finished washing his hands. "Jim," he says, "I don't mean to embarrass you but I think it's my job to tell you that good Christian boys save it for marriage. Do you understand what I mean?"
Jim blushes but nods, "Yes."
A few weeks later the pastor sees Jim walking down the hall and he pulls him aside again. "So, Jim, have you been working on what we talked about last time?"
Jim beams, "Yes, sir! I've saved up almost a quart!"
An auto mechanic is playing poker and gets dealt a bad hand. He sighs and says
manifold :(
Here's one my grampa told me when I was a small boy.
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a little kid is going through his mothers purse and takes out her drivers lincense...
his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him
the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"
she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"
"and what is that?" says his mother
"you're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"which is?' says the mother
"your really tall" he says
"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"because, you got an f in s**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man's Three Wishes
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but noticing the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I gotta ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
So a Slovakian man is looking for a job in a restaurant...
So he goes to the manager of the restaurant and asks if he can get a job there.
The manager says "You see, this is a culturally specific restaurant, so we want people of a certain ethnicity. You were pretty close, but you don't meet our requirements."
The man notices the manager is looking a bit cash-strapped and so he winks and quietly says "Well, how much would it take for me to meet these requirements?"
The manager is cautious but says "Cheques only."
The man sighs and says "Aw, so no Slovakians?"
The Philosophical Defense Mechanism
The leopard crouches to pounce the gazelle.
The gazelle says, Are you sure you want to eat me?
Leopard pauses. Uh, why wouldn't i?
"Well, I mean, is this what you want to be doing with your life? Do you see yourself doing this in five years?"
"What do you mean? if I eat you now, you won't be here in five years." says the leopard.
The gazelle shrugs. Don't you have goals? Aspirations? 'Eating Gazelle' is setting the bar pretty minimally. Don't you want cubs?
"I… gee. Maybe write a screenplay…" The leopard sits down and sighs. "Look, I'm between opportunities right now, I'm in my mom's den. What can I offer a mate?"
"No, I understand, What went wrong?"
"Well I-"
The gazelle runs away.
Creationism v Feminism
In the beginning god made everything and said it was good.
Then he asked Adam, "Is there anything else you could possibly want?"
Adam replied, "I want a companion. Someone that will always be there for me. Someone that will love me, console me when I'm sad, celebrate with me when I'm happy, and stimulate me when I'm bored. I want a true soul mate."
God says "Ok... But that will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam sighs and says "Alright then... What can I get for a rib?"
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made of plastic cling wrap..
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made of plastic cling wrap. The man says to the shrink, "Sir, I need you to evaluate me." The psychiatrist looks up from his clipboard, sighs, and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man wishes to join an exclusive local church's congregation...
...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual s**... activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.
"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouetted by the light nearby, I ... I just couldn't help myself. I had to have her, so I made love to her right then and there."
The pastor replies, "I'm terribly sorry, sir. We can't allow that kind of behavior here. Premarital s**..., even in a loving relationship, is against our doctrine."
The man shrugs, seemingly expecting the rejection. He stands up and begins walking to the door. "Hey, padre? Don't feel bad," he says. "We're not allowed in Wal*Mart any more either."
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Leo's First Oscar
Leonardo DiCaprio in the delivery room.
Leo: "What is it doc?!"
Doctor: "It's a bo-"
Leo: "NO! NO! LIKE WE REHEARSED!"
*Doctor sighs, handing the baby boy to Leo*
Doctor: "And the "Oscar" goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of Father in Conception.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train in Scotland.
Looking out the window, the engineer sees something that catches her eye. Look, she says, it's a black sheep! It seems the sheep in Scotland are black.
The physicist shakes his head. Nonsense, he says. All we know is that there are some black sheep in Scotland.
The mathematician looks at his two friends, sighs, and with all earnestness, observes: All we can say is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, one side of which is black.
The Priest and the Altar Boy
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A child is going through his mother's purse and takes out her driver's license...
his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him
the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"
she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"
"and what is that?" says his mother
"you're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"which is?' says the mother
"you're really tall" he says
"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"because, you got an F in s**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One fine day, down at the local diner.
A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:
**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**
His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He wants bacon and eggs."
An old man goes back to bed ...
And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walking Down The Street
One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog l**... its own t**.... One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man walks into a bar...
...and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball.
"I have to ask, sir," says the bartender. "Without sounding rude, what happened to your head?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Two Dogs Are In The Vet
Two dogs are in the vet office, waiting to be seen. The first dog turns to the one to his left and asks, "what are you in for?"
The other dog looks at him sadly and says, "our neighbors got a really smoking hot poodle, so I jumped the fence and did her right then and there. I'm here to get neutered."
The first dog sighs and says, "yeah, I'm here for a similar situation. My owner has a really hot girlfriend. She had just gotten out of the shower, and I just couldn't help myself. I plowed her good."
"So you're getting neutered too?"
"Nah, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
A cannibal comes home from work...
after a long day and his wife asks him how his day was.
The cannibal sighs and replies "I'm just fed up with people!"
A DJ releases a genie from a bottle...
and then he starts to leave.
"Wait, what about the three wishes?" asks the genie.
The DJ sighs and asks:
"Alright, what songs do you want me to play?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny has questions for his mother.
The first thing he asks is, "How old are you?" His mother says, "It's impolite to ask a lady how old she is." He then asks, "How much do you weigh?" to which she says, "Johnny, that's impolite too!" He asks, "Why did Dad leave?" His mother sighs, and says, "I don't want to talk about that." Unsatisfied with her answers, Little Johnny ran off. He returns five minutes later holding her license. "Mommy, I figured it out! You're 35, you weigh 189 pounds, and Daddy left because you got an F in s**...!"
A blonde and her husband
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor's dog starts barking and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!'
She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?'
The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor's dog barking all night.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A white nationalist walks into a bar.
He sits sullenly at the bar amidst a sea of minorities and sighs heavily. The bartender comes around and asks what he can get for him.
The white nationalist replies: "Can I get a country where I can live among people from my own ancestry? It is like this nation isn't even mine anymore. We have people coming in from God knows where to do God knows what. I am not a racist, I am just fed up with all of these different people coming in with their own customs. Why don't they stay in their country?"
Before the bartender could reply, a Native American patron spoke up: "Please cancel that whiskey. I will have what he is having!"
I got a letter in the mail today
*sighs*
Now to wait for the rest of the word...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar after the summer solstice and orders a quadruple v**...
The bartender asks, "Is everything alright?"
The man sighs and says, "It's been a long day."
A large car with chauffeur
A boyfriend is watching TV when his girlfriend walks into the room
Gf: "I want to go to the mall to go shopping, wanna bring me?"
Boyfriend sighs
Bf: "How would you like it if you went in a large car with a chauffeur?"
Gf: "That sounds great!"
Bf: "Well, the bus leaves in 5 minutes."
Polish joke
A nurse is checking up on the patients in a mental asylum. She asks the first patient, "What is 2+2?"
"3,942,304" He answers, disappointing the nurse.
"What is 2+2?" She asks the next patient.
"Thursday." He answers confidently
She sighs and moves on to the next person.
"What is 2+2?"
"4"
"Wow!" she exclaims. "How'd you find that out?"
"I divided 3,942,304 by Thursday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to the doctor.
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, ya gotta help me. My a**...'s the size of a garbage can lid!"
The doctor is a little shocked and says, "You've got to be kidding. I'm sure it's not that bad. Tell me what happened."
The guy tells the doctor, "Well, I went on Safari and I ended up getting r**... by an elephant."
The doctor thinks for a second and says, "Well, then it can't be the size of a garbage can lid. I'm no veterinarian, but I know that elephant p**... are actually quite small."
After a short embarrassed pause, the guy guy sighs, "He fingered me first."
A man and his son were at a bar. The man is standing near the dartboard.
When one dart almost hits him, the man says, "look son I'm Dart Evader!"
The son sighs, "stop it dad."
The man says, "look, I'm not your dad. *I am your father.*"
A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption
One of the twin boys is adopted by a family in Spain and is named Juan. The other boy is adopted by a family in Egypt, who name him Jamal.
Years later, her son Juan connects with her and sends him a picture of himself with his family.
Feeling moved and happy that Juan is doing well, she sighs to her husband, "I wish I could see the other one, too."
Her husband looks at her and says, "Well, honey, they're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal!"
A lemming enters a bar...
The bartender looks at him, sighs, gets out all of his glasses, and starts pouring.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man runs over to his neighbor's house early one morning...
He bangs on the door and soon his neighbor answers. The man looks slightly embarrased and starts explaining quickly.
"Hey, last night, I brought a h**... home, but I just realized that I don't have enough cash to pay her. Can you help me out?"
The neighbor lifts his eyebrow and the sighs in irritation.
"Fine," he says. "This one time...you can borrow my shovel."
The Scientist and the Frog
A scientist wanted to test how far a frog could jump, so he trained it to jump on command.
The scientist said "jump" and the frog jumped an amazing 2.6 meters.
The scientist then cut off one of the frog's legs, and said "jump". Unsurprisingly the frog only jumped 2.1 meters.
The scientist cuts off another leg, and the frog only jumped 1.3 meters.
Again, another leg gets cut off, and the frog jumps 0.3 meters.
The scientist cuts off the last leg and says "jump". To his surprise, the frog doesn't jump. The scientist repeats himself a few time, but the frog does not jump.
The scientist sighs, and writes the conclusion of his experiment.
*When all 4 legs cut off... frog goes deaf*
A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table..
drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.
The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."
The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Icarus arrives at the airport.
Ahead of him, a husband and wife shepherd their two children, a boy and girl, toward their gate.
"Dad, can I have a taco before the flight?" The boy asks.
The father sighs, relenting. "All right."
Three hours later, Icarus lands. His father waits outside, ready to greet him.
"Good to see you!" He exclaims, then pauses, looking at Icarus's suit. "Geez, you got v**... all over you. What happened?"
Icarus shrugs. "I flew too close to the son."
One Sunday, with one hand motion, God caused the Earth to begin to revolve around the Sun. "What should we call it when it goes all the way around?" asks Adam.
"A year," God replied.
Now, he made another hand motion, and the Earth began to rotate on a tilted axis.
"What should we call it when it rotates all the way around?" Adam asks.
God sighs and takes a seat on the grass below. "Let's call it a day."
An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.
The optimist declares, This is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist sighs and says, You're right.
A father finds a magic lamp...
and when he rubs it, a genie pops out and offers to grant him anything he wants.
The man asks for a unicorn for his daughter.
The genie says unicorns aren't even real, try to be more realistic.
So the man decides to ask the genie to let the Browns win a single game.
The genie sighs and asks the man what color unicorn his daughter would prefer.
A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle.....
...so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together. After a while she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend. He asks her what is wrong and she tells him about the trouble she is having with the puzzle. He tells her to look at the picture on the front and tell him what it looks like. The blonde says, Okay, well, the background is blue and there is a tiger on it.
After a long pause her boyfriend sighs and says, Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box.
Wait, which one's my seat again?
(At the Roman Theatre)
Brutus: Wait, which one's my seat again?
Julius (sighs) : A2, Brute.
\#IdesOfMarch
2 Math books are on a shelf
2 math books are on a shelf.
The first book sighs and says to the other book; "I really don't like my life"
"What do you mean?" says the other book,
"I have so many problems", it replies.
A very plane joke
Pilot: We are going to die.
Passengers: *starts freaking out*
Pilot: haha don't worry we will all die one day.
Passengers: *sighs in relief*
Pilot: But we'll all probably die when we hit that mountain.
A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.
She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."
The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Condoms
A boy and his father are shopping when they pass the c**... aisle. The boy sees three pack sizes of condoms, a pack of three, one of six, and one of twelve. He grabs the three pack.
The father says, Those are for high schoolers. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.
The boy asks, Who are the six packs for?
The father responds, those are for college students. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.
The boy responds, Ooo! What are the twelve packs for then?
The father sighs and says, Those... are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...
A 12 year old boy comes home from school
He enters the home and his parents are sitting on the sofa together clutching hands.
Sit down son we have something to say says the dad
The boy sits down.
You're adopted the mother says.
The boy sighs and tears up and asks why didn't you say so before? I've always wondered
Good claps the father standing up swiftly. Get your bags packed, your new Parents will be here to pick you up in about an hour.
A student receives a bad grade on his exam
And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.
He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"
The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".
The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After twenty years of marriage, a woman looks in the bathroom mirror and sighs.
God, I look old, fat and ugly. She implores her husband; Pay me a compliment, dear.
Her husband replies, Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.
A man runs into a bank...
He runs up to the teller and says "quick! I need you to do a magic trick!"
The teller says "but sir this is a bank."
The man sighs and says, "oh your no fun. Where's Pen?"
A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.
He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest is conducting an exorcism, yelling, "The power of Christ compels you!"
The d**... sighs and says to him, "Sorry, I'm Jewish."
An old guy walks into a biker bar...
... And sits down next to the leader of the gang.
"Your mom is pretty hot, you know?".
The biker chief sips his beer, sighs...
"Just go home, dad.".
