Sighed Jokes
92 sighed jokes and hilarious sighed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sighed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Sighed Short Jokes
Short sighed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sighed humour may include short sighs jokes also.
- I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...
- "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you" - What do you call a wolf that is woke? Awarewolf
(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma) - I asked my wife, Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Without hesitation, she sighed and said, The rooster did. The rooster always comes first.
- 99 little bugs in the code... 99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.
- After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black... ...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief
- 2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches. The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"
The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches. - A son tells his father: I have an imaginary girlfriend. The father sighs and says: You know, you could do better.
Son: Thanks Dad!
Father: I was talking to your girlfriend. - I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, You don't have much experience removing bras, do you? Me: What gave me away?
Her: The scissors, mostly. - A man takes his shoe off in church... Man 1: *takes off shoe and starts peering inside of it*
Man 2: "What the problem?"
Man 1: *Sighs* " I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole "
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Sighed One Liners
Which sighed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sighed? I can suggest the ones about gasped and shrugged.
- Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight Sigh.....
- What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
- Bono and The Edge walk into a bar The bartender sighs ugh, not you two again…
- What do you call a melancholy Android? A sigh borg.
- What did tornado say to it's annoying twin? Sigh, clone.
- Sigh, nobody will upvote a cake joke on my birthday I feel so desserted.
- Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan? *sigh* I used to love tractors
- What do you call a depressed robot? A sigh borg.
- What do you call a disappointed cat? *sigh*amise
- What happens when an entire Borg cube is exasperated? They let out a collective sigh.
- Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road? To get to the other sigh.
- Man, it's gonna take FOREVER to decompress this file Sigh. *unzips*
- What kind of nuts go on your feet? *Sigh*...
Cashews. - What do you call an exasperated Rastafarian? Sigh-mon
- Sadly my wife has lost 20% of her sight... Sigh...
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Sighed Jokes
What funny jokes about sighed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean screamed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sighed pranks.
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
Larry was not a good gift giver.
Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.
New neighbor.
Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so s**...," said one to the other.
"I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
Two old guys were chatting in the park.
"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said o**....
"What happened?" asked the other guy.
"We met," sighed the first.
A couple of friends are catching up after years apart.
"So I hear you've recently had a baby boy!" Gushes Edna.
"We did!" Responds Amy.
"Have you decided on a name yet?"
"Funny story: with our first, Denise, my husband's brother wanted to name her. The name stuck, so when he asked again, we figured he'd pick another good one."
"That's adorable! What'd he pick!"
Amy sighed. "Denephew."
A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.
St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.
The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.
St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."
The chicken and the egg were lying in bed after having s**......
The chicken sighed happily, fluffed the pillows, and lit up a cigarette. The egg frowned and then rolled over in bed. "Well I guess that answers *that* question." he muttered.
Mr. Smith is Dead
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
Yet *another* pirate joke
A young boy dressed as a pirate for Halloween and was happily trick-or-treating when he came upon this one house. He rang the bell and an older woman opened the door.
"Oh my," she said. "What a fearsome pirate. But tell me, please, where are your buccaneers?"
The little boy sighed and said, "Under my buccin' hat, lady. Where are your buccin' eyes?"
Sophie walks into the church wearing a very low cut blouse.
The parish priest went up to her " you must not enter the house of God unless properly dressed"
" Oh, but I have a divine right"
"You also have a divine left" sighed the clergyman,"but I still have to insist that you should cover up"
My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
A ghost is talking to a therapist about his problems
"Why don't you tell me what's troubling you?" The therapist said to the ghost.
The ghost sighed. "I don't know doc, I mean, I used to be somebody..."
A rich man and a horse
There was a rich man that was driving past a farm, He looked over and saw a beautiful stallion standing in the field. The rich man thought, Wow I gotta have him so he pulled into the farm's entrance. He found the owner and said, "I want that horse out yonder in that field, how much do you want for him?" Well, the farmer said, "He don't look to good." Nonsense said the rich man "I'll pay you $1000 for him." But he don't look to good said the farmer. The rich man sighed and said $2000 dollars is my final offer. The farmer sold the beautiful horse to the rich man. Then one week later the rich man came back angry as ever and said, "Darn you you sold me a blind horse!" Then the farmer smiled and said "I told you, he didn't look too good!"
A sick old man is lying on a hospital bed when his doctor walks into the room
"I have some bad news..." he began. "We've run some tests, and we think you may have both Alzheimer's *and* cancer..."
The old man looked downcast and sighed. "Well," he said, "at least I don't have Alzheimer's."
My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table
At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....
Grandma, how old are you?
"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"
The Old Man and his wife
A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.
I took my skateboard around my friend's house.
"Wanna see me kickflip?" I asked.
"No..." he sighed.
He really regrets naming his dog "Flip".
After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...
...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
A car broke down on a Native Reservation...
...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"
"Piston broke", he replied.
"So are we. Get in."
The Depressed Student
Sally noticed that one of her students had been suffering from depression for the last few weeks. She decided to ask him some easy questions in an effort to engage him. Johnny, if I subtract 4 from 12 what do I get?"
Johnny looked at her and sighed, "I don't know. What difference does it make?"
God went to a Frenchman
He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'
'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God
'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?' The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill' God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?' The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal' Answered God
'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?' The Jew asked
'They're free' God answered
'I'll take ten' Said the Jew
My wife Mei said to me, "You just rike Trump."
"Confident? An alpha male?" I said.
She shook her head.
"Real-estate savvy? A canny businessman?"
She looked at the floor and sighed.
"Proud father of - "
"No Steve!" She said, slamming the knife down on the counter. "Both roose e**...!"
My professor called me into his office.
"Your essays are good", he said. "But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use."
"But sir," I started, "a man once said 'It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'"
He sighed. "Who did? Who said that?"
"Dave69 on Pornhub."
Pi and -7 walks into a bar
They both ordered drinks.
" I identify as a fraction!" said Pi
"You cannot be a fraction" said -7
"I can identify as a letter if I want, I can be an equal sign if I
want!!! Don't tell me who to be! You are so negative."
-7 sighed, took a sip of his drink and said "you irrational number"
So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...
she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"
hahahahaha
just kidding...
I don't have a girlfriend
The young woman sitting next to me on the train today was breastfeeding her baby...
An officer came up to us and said, "Please stop doing this here, or we're going to have to ask you to leave."
So I sighed, stopped m**... and pulled my pants back up.
A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken...
and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.
'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.
'Sorry, I can't,' said the farmer.
'10 million dollars, I don't believe you'll turn down the offer'
'I'm truly sorry. I can't.'
The billionaire was stumped and asked, 'Is 10 million not enough?'
The farmer only sighed and reply, 'It's not that I don't want to sell it, that darned chicken is literally too fast for me to catch it.'
New Years Resolutions
Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"
I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more s**...."
"Oh great!" my wife sighed.
"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."
Northernlion's birth
When NL was being born, the doctor grabbed him, but NL was so slippery that the doctor dropped him to the floor. To the doctor's and his mother's surprise, NL did not cry. Instead, he sighed deeply and said:
"Dumb damage"
A man once told me that he was going to think about my sister while having s**... with my mother
I just sighed and said "Go to bed Dad, you're drunk"
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn tried to swim from Norway to America on a dare. Ten miles from the Norwegian coast, the Swede gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. Fifty miles from the Norwegian coast, the Norwegian gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. The Finn had just caught sight of the American coast, when he sighed "I can't make it either..." and promptly swam back to Norway.
Three older women were sitting on a park bench.
One groaned. The one sitting next to her sighed.
The third one looked at both of them and said, "I thought we weren't going to talk about the children."
A woman is standing n**... in front of her bedroom mirror.
"I'm old, saggy and wrinkled," she sighed. Then she turned to her husband who was sitting in bed, reading. "I could really do with you saying something nice, you know."
He looked up. "Your eyesight's perfect."
Two friends were climbing a mountain
When suddenly one of them took a false step and fell from the top, disappearing from the other's sight.
As they were equipped with radio equipment, the other tried to contact him immediately with his, "Well, well, are you okay?"
"I'm fine!"
The friend sighed in relief, and kept asking, "Do you have a fracture?"
"No, none!"
"Then go back up and I'll wait for you here."
"Sure, as soon as I get to the bottooooooom!"
Two Labradors were sitting in a Bar , drinking beer
The first Labrador whispers to the other " I went to bed with your mother , last night "
The second Labrador ignored it and carried on drinking beer.
The first Labrador shouts this time " did you hear me ? I went to bed with your mom , last night ? "
The other Labrador shook his head, sighed loudly and said " Go home Dad , you're drunk "
Old Man Crying
An elderly man of 78 years was sitting on a bench crying
A man walking by stopped to ask what was wrong.
"Well, I just married the most beautiful woman ever, Nice, young, and curvy in all the right places!" Said the old man.
"Then why cry?" asked the passer by
The old man sighed, "I forgot where I live"
Adam and Eve had been brainstorming with God for what felt like an eternity.
"Two dozen hours?" asked Adam.
"One seventh of a week?" suggested Eve.
God shook his head and sighed. "Let's just call it a day."
Annual medical check
A man went in for his annual medical checkup and the doctor said "dont eat anything fatty"
The man sighed and said "does that include burgers and fries?"
"No, fatty, I mean dont eat anything!" Replied the doctor
I looked her square in the eyes and said, "s**... isn't real, right? It's just u**..., right?"
"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.
The Librarian
What time does the library open? the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
9 am, came the reply. And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?
Not until 9 am? the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry.
No, not until 9 am, said the librarian. Why do you want to get in before 9 am?
Who said I wanted to get in? the man sighed sadly. I want to get o
My wife's high school reunion
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
2man Team
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
The waitress brought me the wrong order at Texas Road House, and I told her it was a Miss Steak.
She shook her head, sighed, and told me, "Steak jokes are a rare medium well done."
"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"
said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.
"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."
"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."
Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"
(True story, for what it's worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.
Like the Spanish Armada? I asked.
Yeah, he said and I shook my head in disbelief.
Well, I sighed. At least he isn't called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.
Every time he told a joke, someone would immediately shout out the punchline....
Dad sighed, "I guess I need to go out and buy a loom."
The kids replied, "Why is that?"
Dad responded, "Because I need to make some new material!"
Two lions spoke at a f**......
First lion sighed and said: "I'm really sorry about the loss of your kids, bro..."
Second lion nodded and bowed his head: "Yes, may they rest in peace. Sometimes I blame myself, but they were so delicious!!"
Young Bill
Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.
One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion h**... one of his mares.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.
He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that stallion is doing."
Mabel whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your mare!"
I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, What do you do? I responded, I race cars. Screeching with excitement, she shot back, Do you win many races!? I sighed...
No, the cars are much faster.
Heavy carry-on
A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
Do you always carry such heavy luggage? she sighed.
No more, the man said. Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!
A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.
One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.
'You OK?' asked Bill, another of the gang.
'Not really,' sighed Pete. 'This morning my wife told me that she's rationing our s**... life – she's cutting me back to just once a week. I can't believe it.'
Bill put a consoling arm around Pete's shoulder. 'You think you've got it bad – she's cut some guys off altogether!'
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
John told his wife, "I've got a problem."
She stopped him right there. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in this together John. We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem." John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning." But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John'', tell me. What's wrong?" John answered, "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"
A soul is sent to h**....
"Get me the manager! I demand to know why I am in h**...!" the soul shouted.
The fallen angel sighed. "We rebelled against God."
"That's no reason to punish me!"
"You do not understand. You were not sent here to be punished by us. You were sent here as punishment to us."
My son asked me where does p**... come from
I sighed and explained it to him in great detail. He then looked at me perplexed and said "well what about Tigger?"
Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.
They're explaining how him smoking w**... led to his condition worsening.
But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?
Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?
A water lily.
Timmy wants a watch
Timmy notices Tommy has a new watch when he sees him in the playground. Where'd you get the watch? Asked Timmy. Tommy replied, I walked in on my parents having s**.... When my dad saw me, he threw me his watch and told me to get out.
Timmy thought this was a great idea. So, that night when his parents were going at it, Timmy made his move and walked in on them mid-s**.... Timmy's dad sees him and yells what do you want!?! I wanna watch says Timmy. His dad sighed and said, Alright, go stand in the corner.
An old man talking to a new friend, said, "you know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years"
The other guy responded, "oh? What happened after 40 years?"
The first man sighed, "we met".
Before going to a party, my dad gave me some advice.
"Son," he said, "I want you to stop drinking at midnight. OK?"
"OK." I sighed, closing the front door.
I came back home at 3:15am, opened the front door, and he was waiting for me on the sofa.
"Alright there, daddy!" I shouted.
"*Daddy*?" he frowned. "You're drunk as a skunk, son, aren't you? I told you to stop drinking at midnight!"
"I did," I added, "But I carried on at 12:01."
so there's two guys drinking, right?
And the first guy noticed the second guy was wearing an "I survived cancer, and all I got was this shirt" shirt
And he was like "oh, I didnt know you lived through cancer"
And the second guy said "oh, well I didnt, my brother gave it to me"
And the first guy responded to this, with "oh, well thats kinda weird for you to wear it then. Tell your brother he did a good job at it I guess"
And the second guy sighed, and looked at the first guy, and said "well, dont worry about it, he didn't either."
An English man, a Welsh man and a Pakistani man sat waiting in a maternity ward.
The nurse came into the waiting room holding 3 babies.
sorry gentlemen, there was a little mixup with who's baby is who's.
Sighed the Nurse.
The english man got to his feet and picked up an Asian baby, heading to the exit.
Hold on, that is clearly my child!
The Pakistani man exclaimed.
The English man turned and replied:
There's 2 white babies there and a 50/50 chance I pick a welsh one.
I went to see the doctor.
"I think I'm going to be obese forever," I sighed.
He said, "You shouldn't be so pessimistic."
"I've tried everything!" I told him.
He said, "Yes, that's your problem."
My boss pulled me into his office. He sighed and said, "Look...when it comes to drinking on the job, I haven't got much tolerance."
"That's okay," I replied, "I was a rookie once too."
Chess Champion
The reporter asked the reigning chess grandmaster "What do you do before your games ?"
"Well", said the champ, "I never have s**... on the night before a big match"
"Does that help you concentrate? "
"I'm not sure" he sighed "I don't have s**... any other night either".
My daughter walked up to her mother and asked
"Mommy, why am I named Clover?"
"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."
Then, my other daughter walked up and asked, "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana."
"Because your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."
Finally, my son walked up to her, "Those names make sense, but why am I named Cakeday?"
His mother sighed, "your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."
I got out of my car, exasperated, and phoned my wife. I said, "Unbelievable...I was on my way to the bowling alley with my friends and my tyre went flat."
"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.
"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, How is everything going?
The cat is dead, he replied coldly.
She cried out and said, You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead!
No reply. The wife sighed sadly, Anyways, how's my mom?
She's playing on the roof.
Gord sighed as he sat and looked over his lands.
His son asked, "What's wrong, Father?" to which Gord replied, "Some idiot spelled my name wrong a thousand years ago and now everyone's doing it."
Urinate
The teacher asked the class to use the word urinate in a sentence. No-one put up their hand for a while until, way in the back, little Johhny started waving his hand around.
"OK" sighed the teacher, "What is your sentence Johnny?"
My dad says urinate.
.
.
.
.
.
>!But if you had bigger t**... you'd be a nine!!<
My wife got excited because of a delivery she received
She got a new heavy-gauge wok that she had her eye on for a while. I asked her if she remembered to get the special footwear for it.
She looked puzzled for a moment. Then she sighed and said, "Okay, lay it on me. Tell me your dad joke."
I said, "I don't know what you mean by that, but it is my understanding that they have boots that are made for wokking."
A man tells his friend, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.
She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."
His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
The man sighed. "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
An old man.....
An old man limped into a doctors office and said, "Doctor, my left knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor, slowly eyed him from head to toe, and asked, "Sir, how old are you?"
The old man replied that he was 98.
The doctor, just sighed, and said to the old man, "Sir, just look at you, you're 98 years of age! You're nearly 100 years old, and you're complaining that your left knee hurts! What do you expect?"
The old man looks at him and replies, "Well my right knee's also 98, and that doesn't hurt!"
My wife asked me if I thought she was a narcissist...
I sighed and told her "It's not always about you, you know."
I once told my dad
that I had an imaginary girlfriend.
My dad sighed and said, You know, you could do better.
Thanks, Dad, I said.
My dad shook his head and said, I was talking to your girlfriend.
