Sigh Jokes
97 sigh jokes and hilarious sigh puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sigh that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Sigh Short Jokes
Short sigh jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sigh humour may include short groan jokes also.
- I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...
- "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you" - What do you call a wolf that is woke? Awarewolf
(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma) - I asked my wife, Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Without hesitation, she sighed and said, The rooster did. The rooster always comes first.
- 99 little bugs in the code... 99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.
- After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black... ...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief
- 2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches. The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"
The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches. - A son tells his father: I have an imaginary girlfriend. The father sighs and says: You know, you could do better.
Son: Thanks Dad!
Father: I was talking to your girlfriend. - I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, You don't have much experience removing bras, do you? Me: What gave me away?
Her: The scissors, mostly. - A man takes his shoe off in church... Man 1: *takes off shoe and starts peering inside of it*
Man 2: "What the problem?"
Man 1: *Sighs* " I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole "
Share These Sigh Jokes With Friends
Sigh One Liners
Which sigh one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sigh? I can suggest the ones about sniff and singe.
- Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight Sigh.....
- What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
- Bono and The Edge walk into a bar The bartender sighs ugh, not you two again…
- What do you call a melancholy Android? A sigh borg.
- What did tornado say to it's annoying twin? Sigh, clone.
- Sigh, nobody will upvote a cake joke on my birthday I feel so desserted.
- Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan? *sigh* I used to love tractors
- What do you call a depressed robot? A sigh borg.
- What do you call a disappointed cat? *sigh*amise
- What happens when an entire Borg cube is exasperated? They let out a collective sigh.
- Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road? To get to the other sigh.
- Man, it's gonna take FOREVER to decompress this file Sigh. *unzips*
- What kind of nuts go on your feet? *Sigh*...
Cashews. - What do you call an exasperated Rastafarian? Sigh-mon
- Sadly my wife has lost 20% of her sight... Sigh...
Gather Around for Heartwarming Sigh Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about sigh you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shrugs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sigh pranks.
[salem witch trials]
**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?
**woman:** It's misdirection!
**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?
**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...
My kids favorite knock knock joke
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting C..**MOO!!**
.
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Interrupting Chicken.
*sigh* Interrupting Ch **BOCK BOCK BOCK!!!!**
.
Knock Knock
*sigh* Whose there?
Interrupting Fish.
*ponders* Interrupting F.. *SLAP! SLAP!* OW!!!
Jewish mothers
How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?
*Exasperated sigh* No it's fine, I'll just sit here in the dark!
The Amazing City of Paris
During a trip to France, my sister sat next to me on the aircraft. Looking outside the window, I couldn't help but sigh at the amazing beauty of Paris.
Me: "Ah... How I'd love to be born in Paris."
Her: "I wouldn't."
Confused, I asked her: "Why not?"
Her: "Because I don't speak French."
two men are driving down the country road when....
...one man sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. he pulls the truck over, gets out, walks up to the sheep and pulls down his pants and has s**... with the sheep. After he is done he walks back and tells his buddy "hey man its your turn". his buddy walks over to the sheep, gives a deep sigh, and sticks his head in the fence.
A husband come home, drunk
*Knock knock*
"Honey can you open the door, I don't have my keys"
"No you can go away, you always come home drunk !"
"Please, I have flowers for the most beautiful woman !"
"Sigh" *She open the door*
"Where are the flowers ?" *she ask*
"Where is the most beautiful woman??"
My dad used to tell the ultimate dad joke passed on by his Native American father from Arizona.
"You boys know how all these cacti got their name?"
*sigh* "No dad how did they decide on a name?"
"Well, when the first Native American tried the water from them, he exclaimed 'Yucca!'"
(Yucca is the name of an abundant species of cacti found in Arizona)
(I cringed when I heard this and I loved my grandfather very much so I understand any negative reaction)
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
logician joke (hard to get)
3 logicians walk into a bar. The blonde bartender smiles and says with a mock sigh,
'Hmmm.. Logicians again. I think you're all cute, but you're not ALL going to try to pick me up, are you?'
The first logician says: 'I don't know - maybe?' and looks at the other two.
The second logician says, 'I don't know - maybe?' and looks at the third one.
The third logician says, 'Well, looks like we are!' and orders four beers."
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a p**..., and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. o**... opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."
I breathed a sigh of relief when I typed the letter "y"...
...when I had to type "analytics" into the search bar during a presentation at work.
Two friends are walking down an alley when a mugger ask for their money.
The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says "here's that money I owe you."
Theres Mama Bird, a Baby Bird, and a Brother Bird
One day baby bird comes up to mama bird and asks, "mama, how come my beak is different than brother bird?" Mama bird, caught off gaurd for a second, lets out a sigh and says, "baby bird. Ive been waiting for the right time to tell you this, but I guess this is as good a time any. Baby Bird the truth is...you're adapted."
A blind person, and girl drop into a well
Girl says: It's so dark in here, don't you agree?
Blind guy: Sigh*
Girl: Oh so you're deaf too.
One day David Duke was walking home from the supermarket...
He saw a black man running down the street with a TV and immediately became nervous.
"Wait, is that mine? I can never tell the difference between those d**... things", he said to himself.
He quickly rushed home,
and breathed a sigh of relief.
His was still there; polishing his shoes.
What did the annoyed husband tell his wife after she saw elk falling from the sky?
*Sigh* That's not elk... That's just reindeer.
Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.
Me: Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.
Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry, what was that?
Me, leaning in: I said there's a large rat in your restroom.
Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry dear, I didn't quite get that.
People In the Store: *Look at me like I'm an idiot*
Me: *sigh* There's a *VENTI* rat in your restroom!
Three men meet in a Soviet gulag.
They ask each other the reason for incarceration.
"I spoke in favour of Fyodor Antonovich.", says the first.
Surprised the second remarks, " I spoke against Fyodor Antonovich."
With a sigh the third one says,"I am Fyodor Antonovich."
A group of men have broken into my house and I'm pretty sure they're looking through my wallet.
I just heard a few of them sigh and laugh.
Wheel of Fortune
Me: I'd like to buy a vowel
Pat: Aren't you a millennial?
Me: *sigh* I'd like to rent a vowel
My friend who bought an old house says sometimes he hears a melancholy voice at night.
Particularly one that whispers, "Sigh, I guess these new tenants will have to do."
I told him to ignore the noises. That it's just natural. It's just the old house - settling.
Back to the Drawing Board
(after the Apocalypse)
God: *sigh* "Ok. This time I'm going to make them all the same color.
Kid asks is paw why do these condoms come in 3 packs?
Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?
Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!
Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?
Father: Sigh.... Those are for married men. One for January.... One for February..... One for...
My Daughter told me this adorkable meta joke today (she's 5).
Her: Daddy, knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Her: Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, Who's left?
Me: (sigh) Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, who's left, who?
Her: Repeat.
My ex just sent me n**... in a compressed folder
Sigh... *unzips*
A nun in sunday school asks a girl what she wants to be when she grows up
"A p**...!" she says.
The nun is appalled.
"young lady, WHAT did you say?!"
the girl replies "A p**...".
the nun lets out a sigh of relief
"oh thank goodness, I thought you said 'protestant"!
8 year old boy came home excitedly, telling his dad that a school play is gonna be held next month
Dad: that's great! What role did you get?
Son: I'll be the husband!
Dad: (*sigh*) tell your teacher tomorrow to give you a different role with more lines.
I had to run three miles today *sigh*
Guess that lady must have really wanted the purse.....
Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.
She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body t**..., it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off the sofa.
Hello everyone, and welcome to the first meeting of the simon says club!
Please have a seat!
\-sigh\- looks like we have some work to do
I got sent a 50gb .zip file from my friend. I don't know what's it's for but
sigh *unzips*
A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
my sight was getting bad so I went to get glasses ...
I could not afford a pair so I bought a monocle instead -
at least now I have 1920 vision.
Why is Bran unable to walk?
Because he didn't make a kings landing.
sigh! ... I will see myself out.
A man is driving down the road and gets pulled over
When the cop gets to the car, he tells the man, Excuse me, sir. But it seems that your wife fell out of the car a few miles back. The man lets out a sigh, Oh, thank God. I thought I went deaf.
Blonde and a Brunette
were talking, brunette says "sigh, my husband gave me flowers last night, and you know...... its legs up in the air".
Blonde says, " what? don't you have a vase?"
You ever let out a huge sigh of relieve when getting test results back?
Only a phew will understand.
A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...
The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.
They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.
"Sir, do you know this woman?"
"Yes it's my wife"
(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck."
The man replied, "Yeah, I know... but she's a wonderful cook!"
A guy is in a job interview...
And the interviewer says to him "your work history looks good on your resume, but notice there's a four year gap between FedEx and your secretarial job. Can you explain that?" The guy says "oh yeah, thats when I went to Yale."
The interviewer is impressed and says "wow, very cool! You're hired!" The guy breathes a sigh of relief and says "oh good! I really need this yob."
With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.
He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."
Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."
Been having trouble with my eyes recently, so I went to the doctors yesterday. Unfortunately, he told me I lost 20% of my sight...
Sigh...
A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,
"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"
A guy arrives home early...
Father: you're home early...
Son: *sigh* yeah, I got kicked out.
Father: What?! Why?!
Son: the prettiest girl in my math class offered to give me a h**... and I just couldn't say no
Father: I don't think they're going to let you teach there anymore
Two lawyers sit in a restaurant.
They're eating homemade sandwiches.
The server comes along and stops them: "Excuse me, but it is not allowed to bring your own food here"
The lawyers share a glance, sigh and trade the sandwiches.
A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages
You could see they're into Relative Dating.
...
*Sigh*
I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.
Please stay gneiss in the comments.
A guy takes a g**... a date to the county fair...
When they get there, he asks her what she wants to do now. She says "I wanna get weighed." So he takes her to one of those guess your weight booths and she gets a prize. He asks her again what she wants to do. Again, "I wanna get weighed".
This goes on the whole night. Finally the guy gets fed up and takes her home. When she walks in the door, her mom asks "how was your date?"
She replies "*sigh* wousy"
A drummer needed a car, but only had $200
A drummer desperately needed a car, any car, to get to work, but he only had $200. He called his friend who owned a used car lot and explained the situation.
You're in luck, the friend told the drummer. I've got a brand new Jaguar. Runs great. Looks great. For you, only $200. One small problem: it doesn't have any doors.
The drummer let out a mournful sigh and said that's no good – how'm I gonna get in?
A young woman boards a packed bus and goes: "Won't someone give their seat to a pregnant woman?"
As she looks around, a young man jumps up and offers his seat: "Here, sit down!"
With a sigh, she lets herself down on the seat and says "Thank you so much!". The young man: "I'm sorry, but it's not very visible yet. How long have you been pregnant?" She answers: "For about half an hour now. My knees are still all wobbly!"
A robber decides to rob a house.
He comes in silently, doesn't turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber takes out his flashlight, and turns it on to see a parrot. He breathes a sigh of relief, and taunts by saying You're just a parrot. What are you going to do? The parrot responds I may be just a parrot, but Jesus is a Doberman.
A man walks into a bar...
... sits on the bar stool and lets out a deep sigh.
The bartender notices asks "What the problem Joe?"
The replies "My wife is upset. She told me I dont complement her enough. I told her shes a simple woman but apparently she heard that before."
"Hey Joe, I got a thesaurus over there. Maybe you could surprise her."
"All right Bob thanks!"
The next day the man is back at the bar, sits on the bar stool, and lets out a deeper sigh.
Before the bartender could ask, the man exclaims "I guess calling her a basic b**... isnt the same as a simple woman."
A man is walking his pet carrot
As he's walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok? The doctors sighs. I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive the man breathes a sigh of relief. What's the bad news doctor? The doctor looks him in the eyes and says Well I'm sorry but, your carrots gonna be a vegetable for the rest of its life.
I know it's dumb it was just of favorite of my grandfathers a long time ago and I thought I'd share it.
Is your refrigerator running?
A man walks into a bar and is about to order a beer when he's interrupted by the bar phone ringing. The bartender answers. A voice asks, "Is your refrigerator running?" The bartender replies with a sigh. "Yes" The voice replies,"Good. Mine too. I'll see you at the refrigerator races tomorrow."
Superstition
I was trimming my nails when my Grandfather said with a sigh "You should not cut your nails on Thursdays".
I had never adhered to these superstition but out of curiosity I asked, "What happens when I cut my nails on Thursday?"
He explained, "You see the weekend starts tomorrow Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It's difficult to open the beer cans and the Lays packs without the nails."
Moral: Some superstitions do have a scientific basis!
So a doctor walks into the room
So a doctor walks into the room and tells his patient "Alright, so I've got some bad news"
The patient says "Aw geez, I'm not getting anything named after me am I?"
"No, no," the doctor says, "you're not getting anything named after yourself," and the patient breathes a sigh of relief.
And then the doctor says "It's going to be named after me"
What are you looking for in a woman?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh. "I just don't know what I'm looking for in a woman anymore," he laments to the bartender. "I suppose it's time I give up my practice as an OB-GYN."
A chicken and an egg are in bed having a post c**... cigarette.
With a sigh of disappointment the chicken says, Well that answers that age old question.
My son asked why sStar Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3…
I answered in my best yoda impersonation: 'in charge of scheduling, I was'
My son loved it, I heard a sigh from my SO, and when I looked at her, she just shook her head.
I'm just not myself today :(
A guy walks into bar, orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh. "What's wrong, Bob?" the bartender asks. "Oh nothing really," Bob replies. "I guess I'm just not myself today." "Yes," the bartender agreed. "I noticed the improvement immediately."
A zookeeper walks into a restaurant with a bunch of animals...
The waiter exclaims, "This is totally unacceptable!"
The zookeeper responds, "But why?"
The waiter breathes a deep sigh and says, "Well, first of all, we need to address the elephant in the room..."
A man goes for a walk in the park.
On his walk, he sees two men sat on a park bench and looking very down.
"What's wrong?" He asked them.
One of the men look up at the man and let's out a long sigh:
"Take a seat and I'll tell you."
Curious, he sat down next to the two men.
"The paints wet." He said.
a gal walks into a bar
A gal walks into a bar and orders the largest beer they have. "Sometimes I just need to drown my troubles," she tells the bartender with a heavy sigh. "But I can't convince my boyfriend to go swimming."
An archeologist walks into a bar
An archeologist walks into a bar, orders a beer and gives a heavy sigh. "What's wrong?" the bartender asks. "I thought I discovered a fully intact dinosaur skeleton at my dig yesterday," the archeologist laments. "Sadly, upon further excavation today it turns out that it was just a fossil arm."
Sigh..
My wife has a tattoo of a whale on her b**.... It used to be a dolphin.
Dad you told me yesterday that we all came from Adam and Eve,
when I asked you about our ancestral history. "ok, then what" said dad. But mom was telling something different. She said that we all were monkeys and with passage of time and evolution changed us to human beings. Dad had a sigh of relief and replied, I was talking about my family, she was talking about her family.
With only one finger
Guy: i can make girls screaming with only one finger
Girl: (sigh) yea yea sure
Guy: (put his finger in the eye of the girl)
Girl: AAAAARGN!
I have a great joke about depression, wanna hear it?
*sigh* Who am I kidding?
You'll hate it anyways.
