Side Jokes

What are some Side jokes?

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.

In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.

I happily dad joked my fiancΓ©

While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.

To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"

My son asked me what a dilemma was?

"Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other...

Who you going to turn your back on?"

Why did the Jedi kill his master?

To get to the other side.

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."

To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

A man on one side of the river shouts out to a man on the other side of the river, Hey! How do I get to the other side of the river?!

The other man yells back, You are on the other side of the river!

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

A Horse Walks into a Bar...

He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"

The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend...

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

Why did the console gamer cross the road

To render the other side

Two nuns went on a bike ride...

...and one says to the other, as they turn down a side street
"I've never come this way before!"
And the other replies
"yes! It's the cobblestones!"

There's an old man on his deathbed...

... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.

In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."

Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"

The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"

I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

So I was dating this girl with a lazy eye...

It would have worked out, but then I realized she was seeing someone on the side.

On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal.

At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...

but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side.

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please."

"But you're only 13"

"Yes, but we're all going to sit on one side."

A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadian



If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

A man sees a blonde across the river.

Man: How do I get to the other side?

Blonde: You are on the other side.

A Scotsman moves to London

How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.

Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.

Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A man walks into a bar ...

He goes straight to the bar and asks the barmaid for a beer which she begins to pour, while he's waiting he notices their small food menu to the side:

Cheese Sandwich Β£5

Ham Sandwich Β£5

Handjob Β£5

In disbelief he looks up at the barmaid who is absolutely gorgeous and asks "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?", "Yep" she replies with a smile. He checks his wallet for the Β£5 and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

A: To get to the same side!

My girl is so smart!

My girlfriend is so smart. I called her from my friends phone and she said "what's up honey?". She already knew I was on the other side of the line ;)

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?

The other man responds, You are on the other side of the river.

A man finds a penguin on the road...

A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do.
- Take it to the zoo replies the officer.

One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side.

What are you doing with that penguin ? I told you to bring him to the zoo.

I did exactly that. He loved it and now we are going to the movies .

Jesus and the 12 apostles walk into a restaurant

and Jesus says to the waiter:

-- Table for 26 please.

-- But there's only 13 of you?

-- Yeah, but we wanna sit all on one side.

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?

"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.

The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .

"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.

I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.

"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".

credits to u/Mr-Everest

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"

What did Jesus say right before the last supper?

Everybody get on this side of the table if you want to be in the picture.

Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other...

They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.

I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids?

To get to the other side.

It's crazy how everyone sleeps differently.

I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.

A man walks into a barbershop...

...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top."

The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that."

The man replies, "Why not? It's what you did last time."

I'm undecided about abortion

on one side it's killing babies and I'm all for that, but it gives women a choice. Do we really want that?

Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

Why did the chicken get an ouija board?

To contact those who had crossed over to the other side.

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

Two blondes are on either sides of a river.

The 1st blonde yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side?!".

The 2nd blonde thinks for a moment and then yells back, "You're already on the other side!"

What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?

Your nuts hang out the side.

A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

Ever wonder why when geese fly in a "V" one side is longer than the other?

Its because one side has more geese.

On the bright side...

We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.

Why did the double agent cross the road?

Because he never really was on your side.

2 potatoes standing on the side of the road. How can you tell which one is the hooker?

The one wearing the sack that reads IDAHO

A son asks his father, Dad, what's a dilemma?

Well, Son, imagine you were lying in bed, naked, and, to one side, is a beautiful, young, nude woman, and, to the other side, is a very muscular, gay man; who ya gonna turn your back on?

Since Eve was created from Adam's ribs...

That technically makes her Adam's side chick.

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river...

The brunette yells across, "Help me get to the other side of the river!"

The blonde yells back, "You *are* on the other side of the river!"

A blonde stands on the bank of a river

There is no bridge in sight. She sees another blonde across the river and shouts:

How do I get to the other side of the river?!

The other blonde shouts back:

Why? You already are on the other side!

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

This actually just happened...

*Wife: I wanna get into coding.

*Me: Oh, that sounds fun. You might even earn some
money on the side while you're at home. What language
did you wana code in ?

*Wife: English. Duh!

I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

Roses are red, Violets are blue

I have Alzheimer's


To get to the other side

An young Irish boy

A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

I was fed up with life and tried hanging myself from the side of a cliff, but I failed.

Now I'm just a cliffhanger and the suspense is killing me.

Another blonde joke

Boyfriend is driving down the street with his (blonde) girlfriend in the passenger seat. The boyfriend becomes concerned the turn signals are not working, so he asks his girlfriend to poke her head out the passenger side window to see if the right turn signal is functioning. She replies, "it's working, it's not working, it's working.."

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.

St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley

In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."

Police: How'd you kill 30 people?

Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the parade.

A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?

He says, Put it between your legs.

She says, What about the smell?

He says, Hold its nose.

A husband calls a men's help line.

Host: "Hello caller, how can I help you."

Hus: "I think my wife is cheating on me, so last night I hid behind my boat and waited for her to come home. Soon a strange car pulled up. As she got out of the passenger side she was buttoning her blouse."

Host: "I see... so what's your question?"

Hus: "When I was behind the boat, I noticed a crack in the outboard bracket...can that be welded?"

How to make Side jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Side to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Side? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Side pick up lines to share with friends.

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