side Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious side puns

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

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Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

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I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

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Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

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An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

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My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

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Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

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My wife said, "Are you ashamed to walk with me?"

I said, "Why are you shouting?"

She said, "Because you're on the other fucking side of the road."

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Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

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Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

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The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

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A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

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I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

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Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.

In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.

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I happily dad joked my fiancΓ©

While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.

To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"

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My son asked me what a dilemma was?

"Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other...

Who you going to turn your back on?"

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Why did the Jedi kill his master?

To get to the other side.

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

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My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

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A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.

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To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

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A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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A man on one side of the river shouts out to a man on the other side of the river, Hey! How do I get to the other side of the river?!

The other man yells back, You are on the other side of the river!

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On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

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I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

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A Horse Walks into a Bar...

He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"

The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

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I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend...

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

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In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

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Talking Clock

After a night at the bar, a guy invites his friend over to see his new apartment. During the tour, his friend sees a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?" "It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," says the guy. He picks up the mallet, and hits the gong. His neighbor screams from the other side of the wall, "Shut the fuck up, Its 3:30 in the goddamn morning!"

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I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

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Why did the console gamer cross the road

To render the other side

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Two nuns went on a bike ride...

...and one says to the other, as they turn down a side street
"I've never come this way before!"
And the other replies
"yes! It's the cobblestones!"

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What are the most funny Side jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Side? Well, here are the best Side dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Side pick up lines to share with friends.

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