Sick Wife Jokes

92 sick wife jokes and hilarious sick wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sick wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Short Sick Wife Jokes
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Funniest Sick Wife Short Jokes

Short sick wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sick wife humour may include short sick husband jokes also.

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it. I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home." I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it. I know she means well.
I'm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion. She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
Wife: Okay. Here's what's got to change. I'm sick of you saying I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers! Husband: I never knew you sold flowers!
Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?" Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
My wife left me According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.
The wife told me she's sick of me pushing her around and talking behind her back. I said "Well you are in a wheelchair"
My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit
My doctor has advised me to start running. I'm not sick or anything. I've just been sleeping with his wife.

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Sick Wife One Liners

Which sick wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sick wife? I can suggest the ones about nasty wife and crazy wife.

I just got my wife a get better card. She isn't sick but I think she could get better.
My wife said she was sick of me singing Backstreet Boys. I said, "Tell me why..."
I bought my wife a "Get Better Soon" card. She's not sick, I just want her to get better.
I'm sick of my wife treating me like a piece of meat She's a vegetarian.

Uproarious Sick Wife Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about sick wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean angry wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sick wife pranks.

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about s**...." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his s**... life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!"

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.

After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.
"Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival:
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
Finally, have s**... and o**... s**... with him every day."
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
"What did the doctor say?" he asked.
"I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."

A man smokes a pack a day for 30 years

His wife, sick of it: do you realize that if you had saved all this cigaret money you could have bought a ferrari by now ?
The man answers: well where's your ferrari ?

Boudreaux Joke

Boudreaux's wife don't come home one night.Boudreaux is sick with worry. Three days later Thibodaux comes to Boudreaux' door and tells him "I gots you some good news and some bad news" Boudreaux says" I'm a man,give me the bad news first". Thibodaux says " We just found your wife Clotilde dead, floating face down in Bayou Lafourche". Boudreaux said" p**... -YAH !! What could be the good news??" Thibodaux said" The good news is that we picked 2 hampers of c**... off her,and we're going to run her again tonight."

Financial planning

Roy was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

A Man Calls in Sick to Work

A man calls in sick to work. He says "Boss, I'm really not feeling well today, I'm going to have to take today off." His boss says, "Hey, just do what I do whenever I'm not feeling well. I get my wife to have s**... with me, and I always feel a million times better!" The guy says, "All right, I'll give it a try," and hangs up.
About an hour later he calls his boss again, "Hey boss, you were right! I feel lots better! By the way, you've got a NICE house!"

A man takes his sick wife to a doctor..

The doctor after making initial observations, says - 'Sir, your wife doesn't look so good'. To which the man replies, 'Yea, but she gives great head'.

Raising The Dead!

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

why did the wife of the fish and chips fetishist file for divorce?

she was sick of being a battered woman

Calling in sick from work

A man is calling in sick from work and says to his boss, sorry boss, I can't come into work I'm feeling sick. His boss replies, I'm sorry to hear that. Whenever I feel sick I have s**... with my wife and usually feel better. You should try it. The man agrees and calls him back later that day. He says you were right. I do feel better and your house is really nice.

The Three Paddies Meet a Wizard

p**... Englishman, p**... Scotsman and p**... Irishman are walking in the woods when they stumble across an old s**... wizard down on his luck. "Wishes for a tenner!" shouts the wizard. "I'll give you anything you like, but I'm sick and tired of making knobs bigger, so don't ask!"
Without wasting a second, p**... Englishman hands the wizard a ten pound note. "I want my wife to be ten times more adventurous in bed."
The s**... wizard nods. "Uxor non inhibitoris! An easy one! It is done!"
p**... Scotsman counts out nine pound coins and two 50 pence pieces. "My wife and I are happy enough, but I'm terrified of becoming a grandfather before I'm 50. I'd be obliged if you could fix it so my teenage daughters can't get pregnant before they're 25."
The s**... wizard nods. "Filiae non fertilismus! Very wise! It is done!"
The s**... wizard turns to p**... Irishman, who has his hands planted firmly in his pockets and looks ready to move on. "No wish for you?"
"I'll save my tenner," says p**... Irishman, with a grin. "These boys have me covered!"

Family xmas problem solved

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Taking a sick day

An employee walks in to his boss's office and tells him he has an upset stomach and a really bad headache. He then asks his boss what he should do. His boss says, "When I get to feeling really sick like that, I go home, lay down, have s**... with my wife, then sleep the day away. I always awake feeling much better the next day."
The employee shows up the next day bright eyed and bushy tailed, walks in to his boss's office and said "Gee boss, that worked really well! I feel loads better! Nice house by the way..."

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Homesick

Husband talking to his wife: Honey im Homesick
Wife: What do you mean you are home
Husband: I know, Im sick of it.

REALLY SICK!

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband.
He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him -- her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did.
When the wife came out, the husband asked her, so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die? And the wife said, Yes, honey, I'm afraid you're going to die.

tom and his boss

n the morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me s**.... That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Tom calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

Code Word

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit! "Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen. "From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen. "This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen! "The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week! "

The Sea

A husband says to his wife:
" -Honey, you remind me of the sea..."
" -That's really sweet!"
" -No, you just make me sick."

Mother and Father

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and yells, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're both coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

Chinese Sick Day

h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

My wife said she is leaving me because I am sick in the head.

I was so shocked that I lost my e**... and the cat struggled free.

Calling In Sick

Today I called in to work, "Hi, I'm not feeling well today, fatigued, drained, tired, stressed. I'll be staying in bed, so I won't be coming to work today"
The boss says, "You know, I really need you here today, extra work came in today. When I feel overworked, I go to my wife and we have wild s**..., and this always works to release all that stress. So you try that"
a couple of hours later, "Hey boss it's me, I did what you said, and you were right, it's amazing. So I'll be on my way to work
Oh, your house look really nice by the way"

Getting Drunk

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."
His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."
"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"

My wife wanted to role-play..

..she was my boss and I was her employee, so I called in sick.

Why did the husband bring his wife's sick dog to the salon?

He was trying to get her pedicure.

Being sick and tired of all the excess fat, one day I decided to burn it off. And then I started running...

..from the police for setting my wife on fire.

My first dad joke

So, early this morning my wife got up and questioned me after I got up early with our son and fed him.
Her: Did you get our son sick?
Me: Nope, I got him cereal.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

My wife was so sick this morning...

that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

My wife is divorcing me, apparently she is sick of all my flower puns...

I asked her "Where's this stemming from petal?"

Ricky sent SMS to his BOSS: "Me sick, no work"

Boss SMS back:
"When I am sick I kiss my wife try it"
2 hours later Ricky sms 2 boss:
"Me ok, ur wife very sweet"

I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it.

Grounds for divorce.

Chinese man calls in sick

h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, c**..., they're for the f**...."

So my wife said she is sick of all the Star Wars jokes ...

I said, just wait until tomorrow - it's the Revenge of the the Fifth

It's hard being a Doctor in the middle of a divorce

My wife keeps saying she's sick and tired of the way I treat her

PSA: European appliances may be hazardous to your health.

My friend said he gave his wife a Dutch oven and it made her sick.

Lee has a terrible headache

Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."
His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for s**.... I always feel better after."
A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"

Chinese Sick Leave

Wong calls his boss in the morning telling him he was feeling sick and couldn't come to work.
His boss says, "You know what Wong? Sometimes when I feel sick I ask my wife for s**.... I feel better then. You should do the same."
Wong agrees and three hours later he calls his boss again.
"I do what you say and I feel better now. I come to work in a while... By the way, you have very nice house."

As I was leaving for work this morning, I saw that my dear, sweet wife left a card for me on the table. It said, "Get better soon!"

I'm not sick or anything, I'm just bad at s**......

A Chinese man rings his boss....

A Chinese man rings his boss, Me no work today I sick.
Boss says, When I'm sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, Me better, you got nice house.

A husband's new wife really wants...

A husband's new wife really wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon. The husband agrees, even though he tends to get horribly seasick on the water.
So the day before the wedding, he goes to a drugstore. He gets a jumbo pack of condoms, and the largest bottle of dramamine in the store.
At the checkout counter, the cashier looks at his condoms and dramamine and asks, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?

A guy asked his boss for a day off because he was feeling sick.

His boss told him : When I'm feeling sick,I kiss my wife and kids,and my illness goes away.Try it.
Ok - said the employee,
An hour passes and the boss asks him how it went.
The employee replies : It was hard at first because she refused,but then your wife agreed and my illness dissapeared.

My wife said I have a habit of making terrible jokes when I'm sick

I told her it was probably due to an imbalance of the humours.

9/11

A man wokring at the World Trade Center calls out sick on the day of September 11th 2001. He turns on the TV and sees the news. His wife yells to him and comes down to watch it with him. "Thats terrible honey, is your boss working today." "God I hope so" he replies

My wife gave me a get better soon card

I'm not sick, she just thinks I really need to step my game up.

A man brought his sick wife to see a doctor.

The doctor examined the woman and he was quite concerned about her medical condition. He took the husband aside and said to him, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me too", the husband remarked, "but she cooks well and takes care of the children."

My ex-wife used to drink a lot. One night I got sick of seeing her stagger around the backyard.

That's when I decided to shoot her a second time.

My wife was feeling awfully sick when I got home from work

My wife was feeling awfully sick when I got home from work. It was so bad I had to carry her to the kitchen so she could prepare dinner.

My wife is upset that I sent her a get better soon card.

She wasn't sick, I just think she could be better than she is.

I gave my wife one of those "get better soon" cards...

She isn't sick but I just think she can get better

After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house

I texted her, "oh pun the door! "

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm sick of the wife complaining. Last night she said 'You always come home from work in a bad mood. I can't remember the last time you walked through that door with a smile on your face.'" the guy says. "Of course she can't. She wasn't living there then."

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

Bought my wife a "Get Better Soon" card...

She's not sick or anything, I just think she could be better.

The Trophy Wife

This guy is so sick of his hot trophy wife always asking for money.

So the next time she comes and asks him for some money he says "I'm not giving you any more money until you make some money for yourself."

So the next day he comes home from work and his wife says "I did it. I made money. I made $230.50!"

He says "Wow. How did you do that?"

She says "Easy: Prostitution."

So now he looks kind of perplexed he says "Who paid 50 cents?"

She says "Everybody!"

I don't think my wife will ever talk to me again.

Look, I have a great nostalgia for the 90s. I listen to the music all the time. And my favorite band of all time is b**... Ladies.
So, of course, that's what has been on my playlist on repeat. I can't help it, the songs are so catchy! I think though that she's had enough.
"I am so sick of the b**... Ladies! If I hear even one more lyric of theirs, I'm leaving you. Do you know how long you've been playing their songs on repeat?"
I said, "It's been ... one week..."

Cinderella

My wife told me: "I'm sick of you, since I got married i work, cook, I'm doing laundry..."
I respond: "I told you if you marry me you will live like Cinderella!"

I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever

"What are you doing?" I asked
"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."

My wife was so sick today

that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me some breakfast.

A man throws up a cow pat and goes to the doctor

Doctor: "I can't seem to figure out the issue so I'll give you some shots just be on the safe side"
Man: "No! Those things make you sick and allow the government to insert tracking chips!"
Doctor: "Who told you this?"
Man: "My wife"
Doctor: "Tell me, does your wife make all your meals?"
Man: "Yeah, she does"
Doctor: "I've worked out your problem. Someones been feeding you b**..."

My wife is getting sick and tired of me buying her s**... gifts.

"Next one you buy, I'm going to burn it." She screamed.
So, I bought her a candle.

Billy Bob calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Billy Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me s**.... That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later, Billy Bob calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Kids are sick so the wife is worried about their weakened immune system making it easier to catch COVID…

So I asked her what about their weekday immune system?

I came home the other night to find my wife crying on the floor. I said what's wrong? She said I'm homesick . I said what do you mean, you're at home.

She said I know. I'm sick of it.