The Best 84 Sick Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Sick jokes. There are some sick poorly jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these sick afflicted puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Sick Jokes and Puns

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

jokes about sick

I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.


A man opens the door for his moother-in-law

And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"

The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."

"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

Sick joke, There were 2 blondes...

Where do sick boats go?

........to the dock!!

HAHHAHHAHAHHA

"I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time."

Said the Malaysian shark.

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

You can explore sick unwell reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean sick ailing dad jokes. There are also sick puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

I recently got sick at the airport,

my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

Sick joke, My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."

Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."


My wife left me

According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world

Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies

Sick joke, Why don't ants get sick?

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

Remember when radical extremists were just kids pulling sick stunts off on their skateboards?

Gnarly.


How come ants don't get sick?

...because they have lil' anty-bodies

*runs away*

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

What do you do with sick chemists?

If you can't helium or curium, you barium.


When i was 17, my sister caught me masturbating...

She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

A few days later, I caught her masturbating. She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

I'm sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

Where do horses go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.



Just kidding, they get shot.

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I'm sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

My friend is pretty sick and tired of PC culture

I tried to console him but he didn't want his hand held

I'm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

I hate anti-maskers,

they make me sick.

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.

But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.

And you have the nerve to call me colored!"

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?".

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

Well my parents are finally sick of all my electronics puns.

Now I'm grounded.

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays?

Me: It's my weekend immune system.

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?

Jerry can.

A woman is walking in a park when she sees two men working.

One man digs a hole, the other fills it back in. The two men go to another spot, the first man digs another hole, and the second man fills it back in. They then go to another spot. Again, the first man digs a hole and the second man fills it back in. They keep doing this for a while until finally the woman walks up to them and asks, "Why do you guys keep digging holes and then filling them back in?"

One of the men responds, "Well, there's usually a third guy who puts in the tree, but he's sick today.

Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.

A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.

"My beautiful BMW! The god-damned door was torn right off!"

The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the crash."

The man looks down at the bloody stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Wong came and gave me bitter herbs, and I got even worse. On death's door I called for Dr. Chang." "And what did Dr. Chang do?", his friend asks in wonder. The man replies happily, "Dr. Chang did the best of all, he didn't come, so I got well!"

Dear Charlie, We've been neighbors for 6 tumultuous years.

When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces.

When I was sick, you blasted Metallica.

And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed.

I could go on, but I'm not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

Cordially, Harry

I'm no racist, except when it comes to people who like the 21st letter of the alphabet

U-people make me sick

My sense of humor is a lot like COVID

Tasteless, not good for large groups, and anyone who gets it is pretty sick.

I'm sick of you guys posting dumb wordplay in here for awards and upvotes.

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

I used to hang out with a guy who crossbred insects...

But I got sick of his crazy ant ticks.

Why did the man get sick after eating a loaf of bread?

He overdoughsed.

My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.

I know she means well.

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful means against the law, while the other is a sick bird

Are you sweating while putting petrol in your car? Feeling sick when paying for it?

You've got the carownervirus.

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get sick?

Jerry Can

Ebola, covid, and monkeypox walk into a bar.

The bartender says, What is this, some kinda sick joke?

I'm getting sick of all these reboots of old classics

Cold War (2022) is not as good as the original.

I'm sick and tired of these 18 yr old with attitude.

Everywhere I go they strut around acting like they rent the place.

I'm sick of all these bri'ish jokes...

I'm British and i love T.

Why are Math teachers never sick and English teachers always pregnant?

Because you can always count on a math teacher and English teachers do not allow contractions.

Syngman Rhee was a South Korean politician who served as the first president of South Korea from 1948 to 1960.

Apologies if you're sick of Rhee posts.

The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The healer replies,

"I don't think so, Mercury is in Uranus."

The man replies,
"Oh I don't believe in that astrology stuff".

The healer replies,
"Me neither, I just broke my thermometer".

Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...

... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.

"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied the elevator boy.

"Is it the motion going down?" pursued the lady.

"No, ma'am."

"The going up?"

"No, ma'am."

"Is it the stopping that does it?"

"No, ma'am."

"Then what is it?"

"Answering questions, ma'am."



Source: 1913 newspaper

Dumb, Yet Stupid

Godzilla: I don't feel so well...
Mothra: What did you eat?
Godzilla: Netflix.
Mothra: Why did that make you sick?
Godzilla: Dunno. I feel like I've eaten Stranger Things...

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the sick suffering puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working sick diseased piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes