Sick Jokes

169 sick jokes and hilarious sick puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sick that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Sick Short Jokes

Short sick jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sick humour may include short nasty jokes also.

  1. My grandfather warned people that the titanic would sink No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
  2. I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude. Always walkin around like they rent the place.
  3. I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
  4. Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
  5. My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it. I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
  6. I'm sick of you guys posting dumb wordplay in here for awards and upvotes. Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
  7. My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened. He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
  8. Where do horses go when they get sick? To the horse-pital.

    Just kidding, they get shot.
  9. My sense of humor is a lot like COVID Tasteless, not good for large groups, and anyone who gets it is pretty sick.
  10. I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

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Sick One Liners

Which sick one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sick? I can suggest the ones about tired and feeling ill.

  1. How come ants don't get sick? ...because they have lil' anty-bodies
    *runs away*
  2. Why don't ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies
  3. I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
  4. Why did the man get sick after eating a loaf of bread? He overdoughsed.
  5. I hate anti-maskers, they make me sick.
  6. I don't like anti-vaxxers They make me sick!
  7. What do you do with sick chemists? If you can't helium or curium, you barium.
  8. I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
  9. Well my parents are finally sick of all my electronics puns. Now I'm grounded.
  10. I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society! Tik-Tok has got to go!
  11. Where do sick boats go? the dock!!
  12. "I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.
  13. Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays? Me: It's my weekend immune system.
  14. A dark sense of humor is like a hospital. Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.
  15. I just got my wife a get better card. She isn't sick but I think she could get better.

Being Sick Jokes

Here is a list of funny being sick jokes and even better being sick puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world
  • My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective... ...and that "we should split up"
    "Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"
  • Are you sweating while putting petrol in your car? Feeling sick when paying for it? You've got the carownervirus.
  • My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home." I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
  • Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god... we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.
  • My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."
    Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."
  • My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it. I know she means well.
  • At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
  • I'm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion. She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
  • I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.

Calling In Sick Jokes

Here is a list of funny calling in sick jokes and even better calling in sick puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert? He was forced to resort to excessive violins.
  • What do you call a sick cup of coffe? A coughy mug
  • A man calls in sick... "It's my eyes," he says.
    "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks.
    "I just can't see myself coming to work today."
  • My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it. They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!
  • I'm calling in sick today because I have an eye problem I don't see myself coming into work today
  • I called my boss this morning and told him i was sick. "Just how sick are you?" he said.
    "well im in bed with my little sister, is that sick enough"
  • I called in sick to work today...

    I said: "I have an eye infection, I can't see myself coming in."
  • I called my boss this morning... Me: Sorry, I'm not going to make it in today, I'm sick.
    Boss: How sick are you?
    Me: Well, I'm in bed with my mother.
  • I'm so sick of people calling me a weeb If I had a death note they'd be sorry...
  • I had to call in sick today with eye problems. I just couldn't see coming in to work.
Sick joke, I had to call in sick today with eye problems.

Sick People Jokes

Here is a list of funny sick people jokes and even better sick people puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
  • I'm no racist, except when it comes to people who like the 21st letter of the alphabet U-people make me sick
  • It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again... I'll be ill
  • Most people think I'm sick and twisted... But I'm not! I have the heart of a little girl.
    In a jar.
    On my desk.
  • If people make you sick, You're probably not cooking them long enough.
  • I hate people who don't cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze. They make me sick.
  • The whole "Pavlov's Dog Experiment" is such a load of bunk I'm sick of people bringing it up... this point just *hearing* the name "Pavlov" makes me mad.
  • I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed. If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.
  • I'm so sick of people making fun of the United States Don't they know we're the third best country in North America?
  • I am American and sick of people saying Americans are the stupidest people in the world. I don't get it.

Feeling Sick Jokes

Here is a list of funny feeling sick jokes and even better feeling sick puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days? Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.
  • Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying? You have got the carownervirus
  • I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
  • THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK! A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".
  • Sweating when filling up? Feel sick when you see prices? You might be suffering from Car Owner Virus
  • What does a sick billionaire say? "I feel like a million bucks"
  • There's a new machine at my gym. I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick...
    It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!
  • I don't have a great relationship with my doctor. In fact, I feel sick every time I see her.
  • I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector The constant beeping gave me a headache and made me feel sick.
  • Looking at my face is like reading in the car It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick
Sick joke, Looking at my face is like reading in the car

Ridiculous Sick Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about sick you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sore jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sick pranks.

p**... the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...

... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."
The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, p**..., your fish looks fine."
p**... then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

What's the difference between i**... and unlawful?

Unlawful is the act of breaking the law. i**... is a sick bird.

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

I phoned in sick today

"Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."

A lawyer was in his BMW...

...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.
Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.
Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.
Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?

A man opens the door for his moother-in-law

And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"
The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."
"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

A little girl and her mother are at Church...

...when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
"Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'"

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession

She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer".
I said "But baby, I can change".
She said "There you go again!"

I'm sick to death of c**... dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

Chinese Sick Day

h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's s**.... I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

My wife left me

According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

The wife told me she's sick of me pushing her around and talking behind her back.

I said "Well you are in a wheelchair"

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

I want to adopt two kids...

... with cancer, both named Jordan.
I've always wanted a sick pair of Jordans.

I got sick at the airport

My doctor said it was terminal

Chinese man calls in sick

h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Remember when radical extremists were just kids pulling sick stunts off on their skateboards?


My sister is moaning and screaming in her bedroom because she is sick.

I'm happy that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us n**... to shoot again.

When i was 17, my sister caught me m**......

She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.
A few days later, I caught her m**.... She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

I'm sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I'm sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

There's a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It's really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

My friend is pretty sick and tired of PC culture

I tried to console him but he didn't want his hand held

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

The Trophy Wife

This guy is so sick of his hot trophy wife always asking for money.

So the next time she comes and asks him for some money he says "I'm not giving you any more money until you make some money for yourself."

So the next day he comes home from work and his wife says "I did it. I made money. I made $230.50!"

He says "Wow. How did you do that?"

She says "Easy: Prostitution."

So now he looks kind of perplexed he says "Who paid 50 cents?"

She says "Everybody!"

c**... expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

I hate when bacteria gets into me without me knowing

It makes me sick!

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."
"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."
The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."
The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.
But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!"

The bubonic plague, the flu, and h**... walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?".

Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

I am sick of this pandemic and the 2 meter distancing.

I can't wait until its over so I can go back to my usual 15 meter distancing.

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?

j**... can.

Sick joke, Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?

jokes about sick