sick Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious sick puns

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

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I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

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Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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The average person has sex 89 times a year

My December is going to be fucking sick

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A family walks into a hotel... NSFW

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

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Where do horses go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.



Just kidding, they get shot.

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My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

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I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

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Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world

Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

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My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

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Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

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My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

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How come ants don't get sick?

...because they have lil' anty-bodies

*runs away*

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A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

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Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

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There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

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Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

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Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

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My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."


Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

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A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel.

He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."

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Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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I'm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

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I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.

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I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

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A family walks into a hotel. The father walks up to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The desk clerk says, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

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Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies

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I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

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My wife just asked me what I want for Father's Day this year...

"A blowjob," I replied.
"Haha," she replied. "But what do you want from your daughter?"
I am sick to death of repeating myself to that woman.

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I recently got sick at the airport,

my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

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I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

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A family goes to a hotel...

The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled..."

The guy at the desk replies "It's just normal porn you sick fuck."

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I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

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I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

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What are the most funny Sick jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Sick? Well, here are the best Sick dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Sick pick up lines to share with friends.

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