Sick Jokes

Following is our collection of sickness humor and bedridden one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Sick puns for adults, dirty flu jokes or clean boss gags for kids.

There is an abundance of illness jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 76 funniest jokes on sick. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sicko witze you can hear about sick.

The Best jokes about Sick

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.


Where do horses go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.



Just kidding, they get shot.

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world

Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'


My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

How come ants don't get sick?

...because they have lil' anty-bodies

*runs away*

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.

But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.

And you have the nerve to call me colored!"


Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."


Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

I'm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies

The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?".

Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

I recently got sick at the airport,

my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

A man opens the door for his moother-in-law

And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"

The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."

"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

When i was 17, my sister caught me masturbating...

She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

A few days later, I caught her masturbating. She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

I hate anti-maskers,

they make me sick.

My friend is pretty sick and tired of PC culture

I tried to console him but he didn't want his hand held

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I'm sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

What do you do with sick chemists?

If you can't helium or curium, you barium.

I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

Remember when radical extremists were just kids pulling sick stunts off on their skateboards?

Gnarly.

Where do sick boats go?

........to the dock!!

HAHHAHHAHAHHA

"I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time."

Said the Malaysian shark.

I'm sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

Marriage Counseling

Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

My wife left me

According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

I took my Wife to a marriage counsellor

She said she was sick of my Star Wars jokes.
I told the counsellor
Divorce is strong with this one.

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

Most people think I'm sick and twisted...

But I'm not! I have the heart of a little girl.

In a jar.

On my desk.

My sister is moaning and screaming in her bedroom because she is sick.

I'm happy that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.

Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"

"Toilet paper" his friend replies.

"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."

He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"

"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"

A lawyer was in his BMW...

...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.

Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.

Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.

Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK!

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".

There's a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It's really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

A little girl and her mother are at Church...

...when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.

When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
"Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'"

I just got my wife a get better card.

She isn't sick but I think she could get better.

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

Paddy the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...

... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."

The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, Paddy, your fish looks fine."

Paddy then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"

I hate when bacteria gets into me without me knowing

It makes me sick!

The wife told me she's sick of me pushing her around and talking behind her back.

I said "Well you are in a wheelchair"

What does a sick billionaire say?

"I feel like a million bucks"

There's a new machine at my gym.

I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick...

It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!

The Trophy Wife

This guy is so sick of his hot trophy wife always asking for money.



So the next time she comes and asks him for some money he says "I'm not giving you any more money until you make some money for yourself."



So the next day he comes home from work and his wife says "I did it. I made money. I made $230.50!"



He says "Wow. How did you do that?"



She says "Easy: Prostitution."



So now he looks kind of perplexed he says "Who paid 50 cents?"



She says "Everybody!"

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession

She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer".

I said "But baby, I can change".

She said "There you go again!"

I got sick at the airport

My doctor said it was terminal

What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

Unlawful is the act of breaking the law. Illegal is a sick bird.

I want to adopt two kids...

... with cancer, both named Jordan.

I've always wanted a sick pair of Jordans.

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.


Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"


The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

I phoned in sick today

"Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."

My wife makes my pancakes too thin.

Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.

My little sister's sick burn

She's 7, which makes this so much better.

Her: Hey /u/Teeplaysgames, wanna know why Mom named Noah (our brother) Noah?

Me: Sure, why?

Her: Because the first time she saw him, she yelled "NOO! AHHHH!" and the doctor just wrote that down.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes