Shuts Jokes

37 shuts jokes and hilarious shuts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shuts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Shuts Short Jokes

Short shuts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shuts humour may include short shutting jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what... She couldn't do either!
  2. How do you get an antivaxxer to shut up? I've been here for over fourteen years, it's been all downhill for the last ten.
  3. An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar... I only know because they won't shut up about it.
  4. My Dad has the heart of a lion and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice
  5. I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut
  6. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
  7. "Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet! - Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
  8. Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day And it's even better if the uber has heated seats
  9. My sister told me women are better at multitasking than men. I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what, she couldn't do either
  10. BLONDE luck A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."

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Shuts One Liners

Which shuts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shuts? I can suggest the ones about shut the door and camera shutter.

  1. Telltale Games will shut down... *Fans will remember that*
  2. "Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma" "Shut up, and keep digging"
  3. what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel? Beat it, we're closed
  4. I asked Siri "What do women want?" My phone has not shut up for the past three days.
  5. But daaaad, I don't wanna go see grandma... "Son, shut up and keep digging,!"
  6. Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma! Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
  7. How do you get a guitar player to shut up? Put sheet music in front of him
  8. I had to shut down my human centipede program I couldn't make ends meet.
  9. I think my cat's a communist... He won't shut up about Mao
  10. I told my cat all about Chairman Mao this morning Now she won't shut up about him!
  11. What's worse than male chauvinists? Women who don't shut up.
  12. Why do Republicans make good DJs? Because they know how to shut the House down.
  13. "Daddy, I don't want to see grandma!" "Shut up and keep digging!"
  14. What did one fish say to the other? Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
  15. Yoda: Dark it is, the other side Luke: Shut up and eat your toast.

Shuts joke, Yoda: Dark it is, the other side

Cheeky Shuts Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity

What funny jokes about shuts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shucks jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shuts pranks.

There's a giant hole in town and everybody is falling in it and going to the hospital

The mayor holds a meeting and asks everyone to propose a solution.
Someone stand up and says: "We should put a cop next to the hole and whenever someone falls he'll call an ambulance."
Another person offers to put an ambulance next to the hole.
Someone else offers to build a hospital next to the hole.
At this point everybody starts arguing so the mayor shuts everybody up and says: "You are all s**.... We should close up the hole and dig another one next to the hospital."

So there were 4 people on a private jet

Oprah Winfrey, Donald trump, Barack obama, and this little girl.
In the middle of there flight, the engine shuts down and and there going to c**....
So Oprah Winfrey says the world needs me and grabs a parachute and jumps off.
Then Donald trump grabs a parachute and jumps off without saying anything.
Then there's only one parachute left.
Barack Obama says to the girl, little girl, you are the future to our country, you take the last parachute.
Then the little girl says actually there's two left.
Barack Obama says how ?
Then the little girl says because trump just took my school backpack.

A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job. He asks them, What is 2 + 2?
The mathematician answers, Exactly 4.
The accountant replies, Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.
The economist walks over to the door, shuts and locks it, closes the blinds on the window, and leans over and softly asks, What do you want it to be?

A blonde and brunette walk into an elevator

They exchange pleasantries and the door closes, the next floor a man gets in with terrible dandruff.
Both women look at each other but don't say anything.
When the man gets off and the door shuts they share a laugh.
The brunette says wow he could definitely use some head and shoulders!
The blonde gives her a look and replies How do you give shoulders?

Wild Life

A bear, a lion and a bat meet up. The bear says, "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear." The lion says, "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."
"Big deal!'' says the bat. "All I have to do is cough, and the entire planet shuts down."

A crossfiter and a vegan walk in to a bar. Who shuts up first?

The bar.

The Bikers

A biker with a racing bike brags before chopper bikers and dares them to race. Despite he's obviously faster, the oldest of the chopper bikers agrees. The racing biker wants to bet $1000, but the chopper owner has no money so they agree to race for the honor of the victory.
They get ready for the uneven race. A countdown is proclaimed and the racing biker speeds away. The old biker shuts off his bike and returns to his beer.

My girlfriend's a c**... computer

... she always shuts down when I need her but never shuts up when I don't.

If the Navy ever gets a ship with an EMP...

...they should name it the USS Ellen Pao 'cause it shuts down everything.

Which part of your body shuts down last when you die?

The eyes, cause they di-late.

I couldn't be happier with my wife.

As soon as I show any hint of excitement or passion she immediately shuts me down.

You know who never looses their work when their computer shuts off abruptly?

Jesus. Jesus saves.

A knight asks a squire for the time

The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time

I'm gonna pick up Anthem today and see what shuts down first.

My PS4 or BioWare?

Two pieces of Black Tarmac are chatting in the pub.

One says to the other "I'm the hardest piece of tarmac in here I could take anyone on".
Just as he's saying this a Red piece of tarmac enters the pub.
The Black piece shuts up and hides under the table.
The other black piece of tarmac says "what's up with you" and he replies "I might be hard, but he's a cycle path"

The doorbell rings...

A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And shuts the door.

What is the difference between Donald Trump and Chris Christie?

When things go south,Trump burns bridges, Christie just shuts them down.

Today is a good day for the south...

They think if the federal government shuts down for 15 hours, they're allowed to secede

Billions of prayers around the world are being answered tonight: World Peace!

As the United States government shuts down

Shuts joke, Billions of prayers around the world are being answered tonight: World Peace!