Shut Jokes
132 shut jokes and hilarious shut puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shut that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article will explore the different uses of "shut" and its variations in common phrases and jokes. From the classic "shut your mouth" to the comical "shut up, kid," these light-hearted expressions show how language can often be used for comedy. Additionally, we'll explore the relationship between "shut" forms and words such as "taper" and "shutdown." Get ready for a humorous look at the world of "shut" jokes!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Shut Short Jokes
Short shut jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shut humour may include short shoo jokes also.
- How do you get an antivaxxer to shut up? I've been here for over fourteen years, it's been all downhill for the last ten.
= - My Dad has the heart of a lion and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice
- I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
- I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up. The parrot was cool though.
- Two Dragons walk into a bar One dragon says, "It's hot in here".
"Shut your mouth", says the other dragon. - This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is... a Mexican stand off.
- My wife bought a new suitcase for work She asked if I wanted to know why she bought that specific one
I reply with a "no"
She asks why, and I say, "Because it's a pretty open and shut case" - Just tried to kill a roach with axe body spray... ...now his name is Brett and he won't shut up about cross-fit.
- Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something. So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".
Share These Shut Jokes With Friends
Shut One Liners
Which shut one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shut? I can suggest the ones about hush and silence.
- Telltale Games will shut down... *Fans will remember that*
- "Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma" "Shut up, and keep digging"
- I asked Siri "What do women want?" My phone has not shut up for the past three days.
- How do you get a guitar player to shut up? Put sheet music in front of him
- I had to shut down my human centipede program I couldn't make ends meet.
- I told my cat all about Chairman Mao this morning Now she won't shut up about him!
- Why do Republicans make good DJs? Because they know how to shut the House down.
- What did one fish say to the other? Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
- My audio editor keeps shutting down unexpectedly while I'm working. The Audacity.
- What does it mean when a lion roars? Shut up. The movie is about to start.
- Did you hear about Schrodinger's missing luggage? It was an open and shut case.
- If you meet a vegan who's into CrossFit… What won't they shut up about first?
- I heard 4chan is shutting down... How un-4chan-ate :(
- I did surgery on a detective today... ...it was an open and shut case.
- A crossfiter and a vegan walk in to a bar. Who shuts up first? The bar.
Shut The Door Jokes
Here is a list of funny shut the door jokes and even better shut the door puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself: 'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'
- Ever hear about that guy who sued the door factory? It was an open and shut case.
- Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
Then the Nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:
"Who was that? - I was being chased by a criminal but thankfully I had some strawberry spread I was able to jam the door shut
- The doorbell rings... A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And shuts the door. - After the old mine shut down they sealed it up with a behind a big door They hung a sign on it that read "out of ore door"
- How do people not understand how doors work? They seem pretty open-and-shut to me
- If your woman is screaming outside the front door and dog is barking outside the back door who do you let in? The dog. At least it with shut up when it gets in
- After 15 years, I finally lost it😎 It was a bit scary at first, but we used the door to help. We slammed it shut and it came out.
My first tooth! - Did you hear that Ball Corporation got into the housing industry? Trouble is, their doors won't stay shut. Must be because they're ajar.
Shut Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny shut up jokes and even better shut up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- No wonder we're shutting down. Trump did say he was going to run the government like one of his businesses.
- How do you make your wife scream after s**...? Wipe your d**... on the curtain.
- Roy Moore opened a clothing store in Birmingham, but it was quickly shut down. Parents were pretty upset when they realized "Teen girls clothes always half off" was the entry policy, not a sale.
- Dentist: "This is going to hurt a bit. Ready?" Me, shutting my eyes, dreading this moment: "Yes, ready."
Dentist: "That will be $700 please." - I'm getting paid a lot to shut down zoom calls... Now I'm making ends meet by making meets end!
- The German bakery near me had to shut down when the owner was arrested for theft We should have known, the cakes were all Stollen.
- 2 whales 2 whales walk into a bar.
First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk - I was so ugly as a baby when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.
- Everybody in the village agreed that I did an excellent job of sewing their mouths shut. After I left, they were humming my praises.
- Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns By keeping his mouth shut.
Shut Your Mouth Jokes
Here is a list of funny shut your mouth jokes and even better shut your mouth puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop. The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.
- Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast... It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.
- I decided to pay for my wife's overbite correction surgery. Maybe now she can finally shut her mouth.
- The shutter speed of the iPhone 6's camera is so high... ...it can take a pic of a woman with her mouth shut
- Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut
- My dog begged me to buy him a muzzle, so I did. Just to keep his mouth shut.
- "My wife did something great with her mouth yesterday, you won't believe it!" "She shut it!"
- I got in trouble to day for bringing a gun to school If only my students had kept their mouths shut.
- A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
- You'll learn a lot by keeping your mouth shut and your eyes open. And also by keeping your eyes shut and your mouth open.
Hilarious Fun Shut Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about shut you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean close jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shut pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man has three daughters...
One of them goes up to him one day and says, "Daddy, why was I named Rose?" The dad replies, "Because when you were born, a rose petal fell onto your head.
A second daughter asks him, "Daddy, why was I named Daisy?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were born, a daisy petal fell onto your head."
His last daughter says, "Guuuuaaaahuuugghhhhhppoakkk!" And the dad says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
practicing with the violin
A little boy goes to his weekly violin lesson, but when he opens the violin case he blurts out a curse, and slams the case shut again.
"What's wrong?" asks the teacher.
"It seems my father is going to rob the bank with my violin"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The muslim
**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**
Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half n**... women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.
Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down
Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a father with three daughters...
The first daughter came up to him and said, "Dad, why is my name daisy?"
He replies, "because when you were born a daisy fell on your head."
The second daughter comes up to him and asks the same, "Dad, why is my name lily?"
"When you were born, a lily pad fell on your head."
The third daughter walks up to him and says, "MAUUUNGUNNFFFAUUUUUUU!"
"Shut up Brick!"
families
so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mail man and said i know the whole truth the mail man said " then come and give your real father a big hug.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
A guy and his wife are in bed late at night...
... when they hear a knock on the door. The guy goes to the door and answers it and there's a man standing there who says, Hey, guy, can you give me a push?
The guy who answered the door says, no, get lost , and slams the door shut.
He goes back to his bed and his wife asks him what that was all about. He tells her there was this guy at the door wanting a push, and he said no.
She says, Go out there and give him a push. He's probably having car trouble. If you were in need of a push, wouldn't you want someone to get up and help you out?
Reluctantly, he gets out of bed, throws on some shoes and pants and goes out the door. He goes all the way out to the street but doesn't see the man. Out loud, he says, Hey buddy, you still need a push?
The other man says, Yeah .
So the first guy says, Well, where are ya?
The second man says, I'm over here…on the swing.
We had a outage at my place this morning...
We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop,
TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"
Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."
Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an African disease that only affects the math geniuses?
Parabola!
^i'll ^shut ^up^now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cow is talking to her three calves
The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."
The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."
The third calf says "Hargendflarfrebargen"
"Shut it, Cinderblock!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The man at the bar ......
A Man says to the guy sitting beside him...
Man: I slept with your mom!
No response from the guy
Man: I slept with your mom!
Still no response
Man: I slept with your mom!
Guy :Shut up Dad you're drunk !
Stewardess
Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 little girls walk up to their father
The first little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you rose."
The second little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you Lily."
The third little girl says, "hurdddurflbbbbb dur."
and the dad says, "shut up Cinderblock."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have new strategy for getting my wife to have s**... with me...
When we are in bed I just talk and talk until she has s**... with me just to shut me up. I call it filibusting a nut.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl asks her father...
A girl asks her father, "Why was I called violet?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a violet landed on your head."
Another girl asks her father, "Why was I called Rose?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head."
Another girl asks her dad, "Heyasdeasuadwxosj" And the dad replies, "Shut up fridge."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother has two daughters and a son.
A mother has two daughters and a son. One day her first daughter comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I named Rose?", to which she replies: "That's because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head".
Her second daughter later comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I called Petal?", to which she answers: "That's because when you were a baby a petal landed on your head".
Finally, her son approaches her and says: "BLUH NAH BUH BUH BLUH", and the mother says: "Shut up, Fridge".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
BLONDE luck
A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo
A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"
A car broke down on a Native Reservation...
...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"
"Piston broke", he replied.
"So are we. Get in."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother has 3 kids
A mother has 3 kids.
The first kid goes up to her mom and says,
"Mommy, why I am I named petal?"
The mom responds, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The second child goes up to her mom and says, "Why am I named Rose?"
The mom says, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head
Finally, the third child comes up and says, "My favorite color is potato."
"SHUT UP BRICK"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A father with three daughters
is sitting down for dinner when the first of his daughters asks, "dad why is my name Daisy?". The father replies, "because when you were born a daisy petal from the sky and landed on your head."
The second daughter asks, "dad why is my name Rose?" The father replies, "Well Rose, when you were a baby a rose petal fell from on high and landed on your head."
The third daughter asks, "bllaaarrarararraraaarg" and the father replies, "shut up, cinder-block"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always get nervous before injections so I shut my eyes.
I usually end up stabbing the chair.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the s**... club.
Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I accidentally walked in on my daughter m**...
I accidentally walked in on my daughter m**... with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe g**..., I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 year old son spits on the floor.
Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you s**... it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!
A group of friends all live on the 200th floor of a building
One day they all come back from a trip and find out that the elevator to their floor has shut down and is under repair, so they're forced to take the long walk up the stairs.
To make the walk up a little more exciting, they decide to each tell a sad, terrifying, or depressing story every 20 floors. When they finally get to the top, the tenth friend gets to tell his story.
"I think I left the keys in the car."
Carl opened a zoo.
Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.
Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.
So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.
Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.
Soviet Breadline
At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."
My co-worker always tells me: "I see dead people"
And I always tell him: "Shut up, Steven, we're morticians."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three kids are in a park with their father
The first child approaches the father and asks,
"Dad, why am I named Dandy?"
Father responds,
"Because a dandelion fell on your head when you were born."
Second kid comes up and asks
"Dad, why am I named Rose?"
Dad responds,
"Because a rose fell on your head when you were born."
Third kid runs up screaming,
"HRJSOAOSBRBRJFIDISOSBBPPPBFFFSSSS"
Dad gets up and shouts at the third one, causing a scene,
"SHUT UP BRICK!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
But daaaad, I don't wanna go see grandma...
"Son, shut up and keep digging,!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Dad, why did you name me Rain?"
Dad: "Because rain was the first thing that fell on you"
Rain: "Oh, I never knew that. Is that why my sister is named Snow as well?"
Dad: "Yes, you are absolutely right"
*a baby cries in the corner*
Dad: Shut up Brick!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to e**... new recruits to the mess hall.
After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!
Eat up!
Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards
It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of s**... misconduct.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?
Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?
Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?
Dad: Shut up Cinderblock
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When the computers c**... at work.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl asked her dad "Why is my name Rose?"
Her dad said "Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell to your forehead"
The girl's sister asked the same. "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
"As a baby, the petal of a lily flower fell on your head."
The youngest daughter then approached.
"AUUGHMMGRNMMM"
"Shut up, Cinderblock." The dad said.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."
*finds old Ouija board*
"I don't know guys, that stuff is dark--"
"What's the worst that could happen?"
"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"
W-E-H-A
"Guys--"
"Shut up"
W-E-H-A-V-E-U
"Guys--"
"Keep going"
W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A child asked his mom, "Mom how did I get my name?"
"Well Rose, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head, so we called you Rose"
Another child came up to her " Mom how did you get my name?"
"Well Daisy, when you were born, a daisy petal fell on you, so that's what we called you.
Child 3: "Mmmm Uuuuuuuuuu Mmmmmmmmm Eeeeeee Mahhhhh Mahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Mom: "Shut up fridge"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mom opened the door and caught me m**....
I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?
Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.
Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?
Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.
Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk
Father: Shut up cinderblock
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife told me
That women are better in multitasking than men.
I told her to shut up and make me a breakfast.
Obviously she didn't manage.
I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college
I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won't shut tf up about it. He's always been like this, even when we were in college together.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde man is convinced his wife is having an affair...
He buys a gun, comes home early from work, and sure enough there is his wife and another man, n**... in bed. Without a word the blonde man pulls out the gun and blows the guy away. Looking his wife in the eyes he puts the gun to his head and starts pulling the trigger. No! No! Honey don't! The wife screams. The blonde man says Shut up! You're next!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk
He started h**... everything he could lay his wings on .
The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.
The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.
After 10 mins, he slowly opened only to find the parrot sweating profusely.
The owner asked 'why are you sweating?'.
The parrot said ' Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?'
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE* Why do women f**... less than men?
Because they don't keep their mouth shut long enough for the gas to build up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple gets pulled over by a cop
Wife: Why are you lying, you were going 70km/h.
Man: What the h**...? Shut up.
Policeman: You don't even have your safety belt on.
Man: I just removed it, because you stopped me.
Wife: You are lying, you didn't have the belt on.
Man: SHUT UP!!!!
Policeman: Does he always talk like this to you?
Wife: No officer, only when he is drunk.
An Amish man and his son are at a mall.
They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off. The man turns to his son and says, "Go get your mother."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever.
I can't tell you how happy I am.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the b**... madman"
Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.
"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the b**... madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.
"Shut up, you. We all know who the b**... madman is here".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you ever feel powerless, remember:
Just one of your p**... hairs can shut down a restaurant!
My husband is best
3 wives are conversing….first says my husband is best: he cooks food and takes care of kids.
Second says my husband is best: he does all the household chores and spoils me with presents every day.
Third one says shut up! I have the best husband-he goes to therapy 6days in a week and all he talks about is me.
