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Shut Jokes

134 shut jokes and hilarious shut puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shut that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article will explore the different uses of "shut" and its variations in common phrases and jokes. From the classic "shut your mouth" to the comical "shut up, kid," these light-hearted expressions show how language can often be used for comedy. Additionally, we'll explore the relationship between "shut" forms and words such as "taper" and "shutdown." Get ready for a humorous look at the world of "shut" jokes!

Funniest Shut Short Jokes

Short shut jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shut humour may include short shoo jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what... She couldn't do either!
  2. How do you get an antivaxxer to shut up? I've been here for over fourteen years, it's been all downhill for the last ten.
    =
  3. An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar... I only know because they won't shut up about it.
  4. My Dad has the heart of a lion and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice
  5. I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut
  6. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
  7. "Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet! - Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
  8. Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day And it's even better if the uber has heated seats
  9. My sister told me women are better at multitasking than men. I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what, she couldn't do either
  10. BLONDE luck A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."

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Shut One Liners

Which shut one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shut? I can suggest the ones about hush and silence.

  1. Telltale Games will shut down... *Fans will remember that*
  2. "Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma" "Shut up, and keep digging"
  3. what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel? Beat it, we're closed
  4. I asked Siri "What do women want?" My phone has not shut up for the past three days.
  5. But daaaad, I don't wanna go see grandma... "Son, shut up and keep digging,!"
  6. Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma! Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
  7. How do you get a guitar player to shut up? Put sheet music in front of him
  8. I had to shut down my human centipede program I couldn't make ends meet.
  9. I think my cat's a communist... He won't shut up about Mao
  10. I told my cat all about Chairman Mao this morning Now she won't shut up about him!
  11. What's worse than male chauvinists? Women who don't shut up.
  12. Why do Republicans make good DJs? Because they know how to shut the House down.
  13. "Daddy, I don't want to see grandma!" "Shut up and keep digging!"
  14. What did one fish say to the other? Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
  15. Yoda: Dark it is, the other side Luke: Shut up and eat your toast.

Shut The Door Jokes

Here is a list of funny shut the door jokes and even better shut the door puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first? A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.
  • Doctor Visit After my Prostate Exam, the doctor left. When the nurse came in as she shut the door, she whispered three words no man wants to hear:
    Who was that?"
  • I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself: 'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'
  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
  • Ever hear about that guy who sued the door factory? It was an open and shut case.
  • Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
    Then the Nurse came in.
    As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:
    "Who was that?
  • What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Shut the door im dressing
  • Your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door. Who do you let in? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in
  • What did the mayo say when you opened the refrigerator? 'Shut the door! I'm dressing!'
  • I was being chased by a criminal but thankfully I had some strawberry spread I was able to jam the door shut

Shut Up Jokes

Here is a list of funny shut up jokes and even better shut up puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up. The parrot was cool though.
  • My wife told me That women are better in multitasking than men.
    I told her to shut up and make me a breakfast.
    Obviously she didn't manage.
  • Two whales walk into a bar. "AAAAOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOAAAAAA, AOUUUUUUAAAA OOOOO," says the first whale.
    The second whale replies, "Shut up, Steve, you're drunk."
  • Two Dragons walk into a bar One dragon says, "It's hot in here".
    "Shut your mouth", says the other dragon.
  • This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is... a Mexican stand off.
  • When I was a kid a zookeeper caught me smoking a camel. I told him I'd kill a giraffe too if he didn't keep his mouth shut.
  • My wife bought a new suitcase for work She asked if I wanted to know why she bought that specific one
    I reply with a "no"
    She asks why, and I say, "Because it's a pretty open and shut case"
  • An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fit enthusiast walk into a bar. And everyone knows because he won't shut up about it.
  • Just tried to kill a roach with axe body spray... ...now his name is Brett and he won't shut up about cross-fit.
  • When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic. Maybe they just want each other to shut up.
Shut joke, When you see a deaf couple <a href="/hands-jokes.html" title="Hands jokes">holding hands</a>, maybe

Shut Your Mouth Jokes

Here is a list of funny shut your mouth jokes and even better shut your mouth puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • 2 dragons walk into a bar The first one says "it's hot in here."
    The second one says "shut your mouth"
  • A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever. I can't tell you how happy I am.
  • Everybody in the village agreed that I did an excellent job of sewing their mouths shut. After I left, they were humming my praises.
  • Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns By keeping his mouth shut.
  • My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop. The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.
  • Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast... It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.
  • Japanese Camera
    There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
  • Boring women A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've never liked boring women," he confides to the bartender. "Which is why I keep my mouth shut."
  • What did one fish say to another ? Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
    (could apply to to humans)
  • I decided to pay for my wife's overbite correction surgery. Maybe now she can finally shut her mouth.
Shut joke, I decided to pay for my wife's overbite correction surgery.

Hilarious Fun Shut Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about shut you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stopped jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shut pranks.

Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.

A man has three daughters...

One of them goes up to him one day and says, "Daddy, why was I named Rose?" The dad replies, "Because when you were born, a rose petal fell onto your head.
A second daughter asks him, "Daddy, why was I named Daisy?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were born, a daisy petal fell onto your head."
His last daughter says, "Guuuuaaaahuuugghhhhhppoakkk!" And the dad says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

practicing with the violin

A little boy goes to his weekly violin lesson, but when he opens the violin case he blurts out a curse, and slams the case shut again.
"What's wrong?" asks the teacher.
"It seems my father is going to rob the bank with my violin"

The muslim

**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**
Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half n**... women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.
Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down
Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet

families

so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mail man and said i know the whole truth the mail man said " then come and give your real father a big hug.

At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.

Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.

A guy and his wife are in bed late at night...

... when they hear a knock on the door. The guy goes to the door and answers it and there's a man standing there who says, Hey, guy, can you give me a push?
The guy who answered the door says, no, get lost , and slams the door shut.
He goes back to his bed and his wife asks him what that was all about. He tells her there was this guy at the door wanting a push, and he said no.
She says, Go out there and give him a push. He's probably having car trouble. If you were in need of a push, wouldn't you want someone to get up and help you out?
Reluctantly, he gets out of bed, throws on some shoes and pants and goes out the door. He goes all the way out to the street but doesn't see the man. Out loud, he says, Hey buddy, you still need a push?
The other man says, Yeah .
So the first guy says, Well, where are ya?
The second man says, I'm over here…on the swing.

A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"

Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."
Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!

A little girl asks her father how she got her name

"well honey a rose petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you rose."
his younger daughter runs up to him "and how did i get my name daddy?"
"well honey a lily petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you lily."
his son comes runnign up to him and yells "huuuuuuuuuuur flugerr dhuuuur"
"shut up cinder block"

A cow is talking to her three calves

The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."
The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."
The third calf says "Hargendflarfrebargen"
"Shut it, Cinderblock!"

Why do men f**... more than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

Stewardess

Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.

3 little girls walk up to their father

The first little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you rose."
The second little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you Lily."
The third little girl says, "hurdddurflbbbbb dur."
and the dad says, "shut up Cinderblock."

I have new strategy for getting my wife to have s**... with me...

When we are in bed I just talk and talk until she has s**... with me just to shut me up. I call it filibusting a nut.

A girl asks her father...

A girl asks her father, "Why was I called violet?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a violet landed on your head."
Another girl asks her father, "Why was I called Rose?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head."
Another girl asks her dad, "Heyasdeasuadwxosj" And the dad replies, "Shut up fridge."

A mother has two daughters and a son.

A mother has two daughters and a son. One day her first daughter comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I named Rose?", to which she replies: "That's because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head".
Her second daughter later comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I called Petal?", to which she answers: "That's because when you were a baby a petal landed on your head".
Finally, her son approaches her and says: "BLUH NAH BUH BUH BLUH", and the mother says: "Shut up, Fridge".

A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

A car broke down on a Native Reservation...

...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"
"Piston broke", he replied.
"So are we. Get in."

Prostate Exam

After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had –
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....
She said...."Who was that guy?"

A mother has 3 kids

A mother has 3 kids.
The first kid goes up to her mom and says,
"Mommy, why I am I named petal?"
The mom responds, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The second child goes up to her mom and says, "Why am I named Rose?"
The mom says, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head
Finally, the third child comes up and says, "My favorite color is potato."
"SHUT UP BRICK"

A father with three daughters

is sitting down for dinner when the first of his daughters asks, "dad why is my name Daisy?". The father replies, "because when you were born a daisy petal from the sky and landed on your head."
The second daughter asks, "dad why is my name Rose?" The father replies, "Well Rose, when you were a baby a rose petal fell from on high and landed on your head."
The third daughter asks, "bllaaarrarararraraaarg" and the father replies, "shut up, cinder-block"

Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something.

So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".

Two whales walk into a bar

The first one goes to the barman and says:
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooOoOooOOoOoooooOOOOOOOoOOooooOoOoOOoOooOoOOoOOooooooooOOOOOOOoOOOoOOo"
The second one turns to the first and says, "shut up Frank, you're drunk."

Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the s**... club.

Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.

I accidentally walked in on my daughter m**...

I accidentally walked in on my daughter m**... with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe g**..., I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you s**... it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

A man's daughter walks up and asks

"Daddy, why am I named Rose?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head."
She walks away. His second daughter walks up and says,
"Daddy, why am I named Daisy?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."
She walks away.
Then the father's third daughter walks up and says:
"DDDDDDUUUUUURRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!"
"Shut up, Cinderblock."

Carl opened a zoo.

Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.
Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.
So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.
Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.

Soviet Breadline

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to e**... new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!
Eat up!
Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards

It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of s**... misconduct.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up.

But the bird was cool.

Roy Moore opened a clothing store in Birmingham, but it was quickly shut down.

Parents were pretty upset when they realized "Teen girls clothes always half off" was the entry policy, not a sale.

Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?

Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?
Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?
Dad: Shut up Cinderblock

No wonder we're shutting down.

Trump did say he was going to run the government like one of his businesses.

A girl asked her dad "Why is my name Rose?"

Her dad said "Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell to your forehead"
The girl's sister asked the same. "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
"As a baby, the petal of a lily flower fell on your head."
The youngest daughter then approached.
"AUUGHMMGRNMMM"
"Shut up, Cinderblock." The dad said.

Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

*finds old Ouija board*

"I don't know guys, that stuff is dark--"
"What's the worst that could happen?"
"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"
W-E-H-A
"Guys--"
"Shut up"
W-E-H-A-V-E-U
"Guys--"
"Keep going"
W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y

A child asked his mom, "Mom how did I get my name?"

"Well Rose, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head, so we called you Rose"
Another child came up to her " Mom how did you get my name?"
"Well Daisy, when you were born, a daisy petal fell on you, so that's what we called you.
Child 3: "Mmmm Uuuuuuuuuu Mmmmmmmmm Eeeeeee Mahhhhh Mahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Mom: "Shut up fridge"

My great grandfather got to see the Titanic

He told everyone it would sink, no one believed him. He said it again, they shut him up. For the last time, he warned everyone that it would sink. They have had enough and he got kicked out of the movie theatre.

My mom opened the door and caught me m**....

I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"

To see a peeping tom at my window while I'm changing is frightening....

But it still hurts when they reach in and pull the curtains shut

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?
Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.
Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?
Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.
Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk
Father: Shut up cinderblock

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won't shut tf up about it. He's always been like this, even when we were in college together.

A blonde man is convinced his wife is having an affair...

He buys a gun, comes home early from work, and sure enough there is his wife and another man, n**... in bed. Without a word the blonde man pulls out the gun and blows the guy away. Looking his wife in the eyes he puts the gun to his head and starts pulling the trigger. No! No! Honey don't! The wife screams. The blonde man says Shut up! You're next!

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.

The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."

An Amish man and his son are at a mall.

They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off. The man turns to his son and says, "Go get your mother."

If you ever feel powerless, remember:

Just one of your p**... hairs can shut down a restaurant!

An Engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician enter a bar

Engineer: My good sirs, without engineers people would still be living in huts
Physicist: But alas my good sir, engineering is simply applied physics
Mathematician: But alas my good sir, physics is simply applied mathematics
"hearty laughter"
Philosopher: But alas my good sirs, mathematics is only applied philosophy
Mathematician: shut up and get us our d**... drinks

Shut joke, An Engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician enter a bar

jokes about shut